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When I die... where will I go? Will I have two angels at my side carrying me home to God? Or will black demon spawns drag me underneath the earth into Hell? But really, the question is if I'll go anywhere... No one knows what lies beyond mortal death and to some that strikes fear into their hearts. Those are the people who try everything and anything in their power to avoid their own death. Then there are people who also don't know what comes after death, but they do not fear it. Of course, your own point of view of death depends on what you believe in, what your religion is.



I intend on writing about myself for once. I'm not going to hide my words and feelings behind a poem or a short story. I'm also going to allow others to read what I am about to write. Everything I write will be 100% truth about myself (that means I'm not going to lie or pretend).



To some it may appear that I'm not Christian, that I don't care if there's a God or not. To many peoples surprise, I am Christian and I love God. I believe strongly that there is a God and he loves every single one of us. The main reason I think there's a God is because I completely believe that there is a Hell and Heaven. Those two places have been drilled into my head ever since I could remember.



A week or so after my dear mother gave birth to me, my Grandmother Sparr took me to church with the rest of the family. From what I recall, this consisted of Grandmother herself, Grandfather, Granny and I think that was all... Of course there are many ladies at the church whom I can remember their faces. From then on till I started school, I spent my Sundays with my grandparents at their church. They dressed me up in cute little dresses, which I loved wearing and always made my even then long hair look pretty. Back then I was their favorite granddaughter, or so it seemed to me. Back then everything was alright, Grandma hadn't fell, Grandpa was still there to give me hugs, Uncle Duck didn't hurt his leg on the boat, Dad's back was alright, Mom didn't worry as much about Grandma Dorthy, heather and Brian were still here, and I wasn't broken...



Every night before I was tucked in bed while I was at my grandparents house, Grandma nd I would kneel beside the bed and pray. I can't remember all of our prayer, but it began like this:



"Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my soul to take."



While everyone at church were singing or praying or listening to the word of God, I usually played in the nursery or like any other young child, I drew or slept. Sometimes I would crawl around under the seats, hiding from people. Most of the time I was the good little girl Grandma raised me to be, but there were incidents where I was taken to the basement bathroom and spanked. But I do have to thank my Grandma, it is mainly becaues of her that I have the manners and politeness that I have today along with the fact of I know how to behave.



My sister, Heather gave me her Bible that she had when she was younger. I still have the Bible and it still has the book cover that looks like a puppy reading the Bible on it. Despite my age, I never destroyed that Bible or tore it up. I must admit however that I think I did draw lines on a couple pages. I couldn't read, but I loved looking at the beautifully done colored pictures. My favorite pictures were these: Jesus sitting on a rock under a tree surrounded by mostly children. And it said,"Jesus took the little children into His loving arms." Another picture was this:Baby Jesus laying in the manger with Mary staring down at him, her face full of love; Joseph and the shepards kneeling/standing by close; sheep and cattle ling on the hay in peace. Lastly here is the other: Adam and Eve in the middle of Eden watching the stars and sun the sky; fish swimming in the water; lions, tigers, giraffes, deer, flamigos, rams, camels, elephants, zebra, wolves, sheep, horses, birds, and many other animals were at peace with one another; high in the sky above all else... God had his hand with the caption,"Male and Femal He created them."



John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoseever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.



I even remember that I used to wonder off at church while everyone was listening to the preacher. Sometimes I would simply play in the nursery with toys and stuffed animals. At times I found ways to get into the snack cabinet and eat some crackers or cookies. The nursary was through a door on the right side in the front of the mainroom. Beside the nursery was the prayer room that held a couch and small table. And beside the prayer room was the preachers office which was packed full of what I thought was junk. In front of his office there were stairs that led to the attic.



When I was little I thought the attic was creepy, but really cool. I loved going up there and playing with this little board that had cloth on it. There was a box below it filled with paper people that looked like people in Jesus days. There was also a chalk board in there. I always wondered what it be like to climb down the fire escape, but it was covered with spider webs and dead insects... No way was I going to find out. In another room there were plastic figures used for Christmas time that I thought was alittle weird. If you opened this one door, it lead to the baptizing tank. I say tank, because it would echo if you jumped. Well, the baptizing tank was settled right behind where the preacher would preach. I used to be real sneaky and open that door (it's their fault, I could reach the locks)then stare at the people down there. I don't think they ever saw me. Then again, that is a young childhood memory that could be false.



As I grew older, I attended my own church on my own. I never made any friends and I was known as the little shy girl. Everyone still thought I was cute and wanted to talk to me when I wasn't doing anything. It was at church that I began singing. My favorite song was "At the Cross" and till this day I still remember the lyrics...



"At the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light,

And the burden of my heart rolled away,

It was there by faith I received my sight,

And now I am happy all the day!"



I must admit though that I used to fall asleep in church, like alot of children. I would go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. I had nothing against Sunday church, except I wanted to sleep in longer. Wednesday... I began to dislike as I grew older. I would arrive later then the other children and was forced to walk into the large room all by myself with everyone staring at me. One time I was so nervous that I hid in the bathroom until it was time to go home. After that, I began taking my books to church and going into the adult church. In there, I'd sit behind everyone else and just read my book until I had to go home. Years later, Wednesday church began interferring with my homework around the fourth grade. It was then that my mother allowed me to stay home from Wednesday church until summer came. School was over and summer arrived... I never went back on Wednesdays... ever.



I was still stuck on Sundays though and I began making excuses so I wouldn't have to go. I had been attending church for about six years and I was beginning to hate church. Not for the religion or anything, I just rather stay home and play. Eventually, I got my way. I rarely go to church anymore and it doesn't bother me. When people try preaching to me, they don't know that I have read the Bible and I DO know things. More then once I knew information in the Bible then they did. I'm not ignorant to my religion, never make the mistake in questioning me.



I'm finished with this part. I hope you enjoyed it.