There is something extremely crucial that I have to write in this entry. So, please, if you would spare me some 5 minutes or so, it would mean a lot to me. Thanks.
Right now, I am facing and overcoming much resistance in my life. I was a Hindu, but, in 2009, I began embracing Vampirism. I was not a member of any association; I merely was drawn into Vampirism as a "way of life", as they say. For the first time in my life, I actually cleared my 2nd year of a degree programme I was pursuing. Then, in my 3rd year of a 3-year-course, my grades jumped up quite a bit... more than I ever thought I could achieve. I actually obtained a degree... even through the crazy life I was dealt with, back then.
About 2 years after I had graduated, I started embracing Luciferianism. I even joined a website dedicated to the "practice" of Luciferianism, in its myriad variety of perceptions.
I started taking these two system of beliefs very seriously. I was now on the left-hand path of a way of life that I had never thought I would be on. Now, I am not the religious type. Not even when I have my faiths set on this two alternative paths.
Things got really crazy after that. I see no material benefit, but, there was this certain sense of fulfillment deep within my being. I felt Clarity. Peace. Spiritual contentment.
Now, being a "born" Hindu, I felt that it was really the right time for me to move a little away from it, although, I will never be able to openly say that I have 'renounced" that faith, but, I just felt some spiritual contentment, while being on the Vampirism and a pinch of luciferianism, in its most mainstream interpretation. I felt the Rebellion interpretation as the dark flame in my life. No magic, nothing paranormal, nothing phenomenal. I felt whole.
If you were to ask me, what type of being I was - spiritually, of course - I would term myself as a "luciferic vampire". Seriously, though, I never sought to be a full-fledged practitioner of anything at all. I, merely, was - was, is, will be.
Lately, things have started picking up. I stayed true to my beliefs all along. There was a seed of doubt, but, if you truly understood the left-hand path, you'd realise that none of these systems actually require you to be a "staunch" practitioner. There is and will always be an element of heresy and in extreme situations, even blasphemous.
I am still struggling in my life. Like, I said, no material benefits, for me, as a living and breathing creature of the dark, but, deep within, I can proudly say that I am at peace. At peace with myself, my family, my habitat, my life.
When all these alternative paths preach about "validation", it makes me think deep. Just what do they mean by that? Do I have to see material benefits or do I have to go through a period of... well, loosely said, "a test of faith".
Now, in all honesty, I HATE that term. I never liked using it or hearing it, or even suggesting it to someone.
But... just what do they mean by validation. I think my life is validation enough. In a truly disastrous situation, I am still able to smile, and say,"things will be better."
Call me frutier than a fruitcake all you want, but, like I said, there is definitely a sense of calmness deep within.
It was only then that I realised that the left-hand path I was on can never be religion in their purest form. They are an archtype. A symbol. An idea. A thought. A word. Just exactly what symbol I am talking about here is unknowable, even to myself.
I am not preaching here. This is a website dedicated to children of the dark and everything and anything to do with that. That is what I am doing... just sharing and hoping that some one out there, in cyberspace, knows what I am talking about. If I cannot talk openly here, then where else can I go?
Well, to cut a long story short, I feel that there was a sort of a "rush" and "resistance" that I am going through. Frankly, it doesn't affect me all that much, because I know that, deep down, all is not lost. As long as there is life, there is hope. And I hope. I may enter a very dark place most of the time, but, I will always hope, as long as there is life. A feeling. A breath. A light. A heartbeat. And as long as there is hope, nothing can really push me back down.
In my life, as a practitioner of vampirism and (very, very light) luciferianism, I have validation in my life. And I can say that this is enough to last me an entire lifetime. Validation doesn't always have to be a positive experience, but, just be prepared for the downside of it all. The whole, "I have tried everything in the book, and nothing is working," sort of moment. It is just a technical term... you know, the nitty-gritty that make most beings frown in disapproval.
That is all I wanted to say... It's been hell of a roller coaster ride for me, this life. This is all the excitement I can handle!
If you understand this entry, do drop this entry a comment and share your side of the story. :)