The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Now accepting applications for the House of Nocturnal Emissions. This is open to everyone... vampires, lycans, geeks, freaks, queens, teens, and things in between. There are, however.. VERY STRICT guidelines, laws, and rules you must follow.


1. You will bring your own dice, pencils, pocket protectors, and graph paper.
2. You will regard me as your Lord and Master, and do as I tell you to do, no matter how ridiculous it sounds. My ego shall be inflated at all times.
3. You must purchase your fangs and makeup at Hot Topic. Clothing is optional but prefered.
4. You must own a $7.99 vinyl plastic Dracula cloak from Walmart.
5. All females must be bisexual. All males must be androgynous, yet claim to be straight.
6. Your status level will be determined by an initial roll of the dice. If you roll a 6 or higher, you are vampire. If you roll 4 or 5, you're a lycan. If you roll below a 4, you are food.
7. You must dress in an appropriate manner at all times. i.e. like this guy!




8. You must still reside in your parents' house, preferably your basement, and call it your crypt.
9. You will use a refridgerator box as a coffin while sleeping in potting soil that you stole from the shed.
10. You must claim to be nocturnal, yet hold a day job. Dues are costly.


BEWARE ALL YE WHO ENTER!

*rolls a 7-9-10*

Your lives may be in danger!
Or you may get struck by lightning. Either way... Mwahahahahahha!

XD me likey ... *rolls a 666* Hmmm o_o; ?

That will entitle you to be a psy vamp

Sounds to me like viagra should be your sponsor.

Y Ville Sack UR BrainzZzZz.... Master *kneels & kisses ring* *doors close*

Aleks, your new name shall be Lord SilverMoonBloodyLifeSucker

Rolls 9-9-9
Now do I have to shop at Walmart, and I can't eat with fangs... besides polyester makes me itch... and as long as I don't have to kiss or touch any girls, I'd love to be bi...

Does this cape make me look fat?

You shall be named Lady Juggzillofenourmousglands

Thank you Masssster ... May I polish your magnificent toes with my tongue now ?

Yessssssssss, yessssssss you may.
*peels off socks*

I won't have to bite anyone will I, and you know I just can't stand being bitten, also can't you loan me some dice, I really can be nice during "certain days of the month"...

So is there a place to curl my hair?

As long as you roll a total of 14 you can summon a pee servant to do you bidding.

LMAO
we don't have Hot Topic where I live, neither we have Wall-Market.
I don't like make up that much, so I guess that rules me out of this house...Oh, and becides, I don't take orders anymore...I quit my job at the restaurant a long time ago... *sob*

Do not trifle with the House of Nocturnal Emission. We are pure blood vampires and have been since 10 minutes ago.

;)

Oh happy d... night !!! *does tongue action* *puts fangs back on* :C Sho I'm in ? ooh ooh and can I bring my dark goth like cousin ? she could be your humble pet .

As long as everyone dresses like the aboved pictured icon. Then yes.

LMAO
That fast? Do they do blood transfusions at request? ; )

You know, I don't really like black and red just doesn't go with my complexion... besides I am unable to call anyone master as my mom says I have to be home by 10, so does this get me anything I can use on my resume...

I won't have to wear spank panties will I? I don't like to wear underwear.....

Ah but we need not Viagra , we are stiff as it gets ... of course =P

Of course you're stiff...you're dead! Everybody knows what being dead can do to Viagra...the sails will drop with the increasing Undead walking around :P

No underwear is fine. You have upped in status. Now If you claim to be bisexual and have friends who will suck up to me and make out and let me take pictures. Then you could become and elder.

Of course :P As if that makes a difference ... we're marvellous lovers anyway .

*smack Lord whatever his name is*
Be silent wretch or I shall cast vengence upon thee by summoning A fire based demon from above(aka mom in the upstairs kitchen making cocoa for us)

Rolls dice....777 jack pot!!!! oh I thought this was Vegas...oh already bi ;)....tucks away hot topic card I was just holding it for a friend.

*cries* Yes , my undivine Lord and Master .

Oooooh master *bows*

Can I be food? That would be such an honour. I want to let you drink my bloood!

Master has stepped out for the moment (to go play his guitar) so the Lady shall be taking over proceedings.

The MASTER must be out fishing.
BAITING his 'hook'.

Indeed he is.

So now you can all bow to me.

Upon bended knees ?

*bows to the Lady* *kisses her silver ring with little bats on it* *heart chills at her intensely gothy apparel*

Hey it seems I'm a life sucker .
May I suck your life , ms K ? Yer the only food on the menu , it seems .

*pats Aleks's head* Yes we need more food in here.. time to recruit!

I ordered my set of fangs, and my cape from walmart.com! I'm so happy! Maybe tomorrow i can get in the House! *faints at the thought*
oh, but, Mistress, I have a problem with the bowing...My back..i have back problems...Do I really have to bow?...Can't I just...Role the dice and let my character do it for me?

Tears Of Arakiel I am quite sure the Master would allow you to just lay on your back for a while each night. Might even get a 'raise' in status.

As long as I'm food, I'm happy. Just don't ruin my makeup, Aleks, it took me several hours to get that blood on my face look real!!!

Well okay. You can opt-out on the bowing, my back's pretty messed up too. Just roll an 8 and all will be forgiven!

Yes, Master will even help crack your back for you! He could put you in all sorts of positions... to fix it of course. It would definitely raise your status level.. and his.. ;)

many thanks, many thanks , oh Great Unholy Mistress!...*crowls down to role dices. ..Panic!!!*
I got a 9.....*Breaks down in tears*
oh me! oh, me!!! What will my desteny be!

Oh , are bloody orgies mandatory ? Mom would kill me if she found out ...

Of course they're mandatory! So are the after-orgy showers so our parents don't find out!

And you can re-roll that.. otherwise you'll be serving the Master on your back.

oh, bummer. My mom told me I had to be home by 10...I'll be back tomorrow, or I'll be grounded 'till Easter!
Fair well, brothers and sisters *bows to the Mistress, and screams, can't move, and leaves the house Igor style...with the new vampiric transformation: a hunchback*

i rolled 14... we are using 20sided dice right *concerned look crosses features* i don't want to fail the master...

hold on mom needs me to clean the living... *holds tongue* would it be a dying room since we aren't living?

okay. i'm back. is it time to grovel at the master's feet yet?

The master is still out, so you can grovel to the Lady in his place.

A 10 sided die! 10 sided dice you morons! WE ONLY EVER USE 10 SIDED DICE! *starts throwing dice at the initiates*

*cringes while trying to humble himself before the Lady*

forgive me dark mistress of the night
i'm not worthy to bask in your shadow.
allow me to right that i will not use a 20 sided dice 100 times upon the wall using my own blood and the blood of thousands of lemmings

*starts to bite the heads off of lemmings and begins writing*

Just go buy the red koolaide and all will be forgivin, my child!

*the master comes in (rolls a 6) and is in a bad mood!*

For your insolence and failure to read the pamphlet "The House of Nocturnal Emission and You: A Beginner's Guide to Being A Pureblood" a new dress code will be instated at all times!



You will dress not like Bruce, but like the Vamp with the bunny ears! Mwahahaha!

*stops writing as the blood flows freely from my wrists. pauses from writing "i will never use a 20 sided dice again" for the 99th time*
mom is not going to like this

i shall return with the red koolaid for the Lady.

*humbles self before the lady and quickly runs out the door*

And for one week you will have to carry that red handkercheif as well!

Yes , Master :'((

You forgot to mention that material is available for online purchase. 'Master'

i have returned with the red koolaid

*falls prostrate on the ground before the master*

master what is thy bidding?

*begins licking the ground around the master's feet*

Fool ! That is MY territory !!!

*rolls a 6,5,7*

"Where's the snackbar??"

*winks,hushes* We'll talk on that subject later, Princess DarkFaerie.

Your new name shall be Princess DarkFaerie of the Deja Vu.

*rolls a 4-2-0*

Smokey Time!

it seems you shall just have to try harder to please the master then Aleks *smiles quietly to self and resumes licking the ground*

New law added.

Any time anyone rolls a 4-2-0 in any order, you have earned everyone their next ritual. Unless we're out of weed.

LOL, WTD Let's do "smokey time" & then hit the "snackbar!" hehehe...

The virgins and blood dolls are.. upstairs in the fridge. Don't touch the pasta... I mean entrails, are His.

HEY I'M A VIRGIN !!! W00T !!!

Did anyone bring Mt Dew?


*hits up the smokey and then heads up to raid the fridge while mom's watching tv*

of course i brought mountain dew!!! wouldn't be a party with out it
*cringes for having been so blunt*

it's in the fridge next to the 16yrs aged blonde virgin

Okay then who brought the pizza?

*partakes of the smokey before hittng up the fridge as well*

Yeah those virgins appear to consist of strawberry milk in the little cartons.

But I drew faces on the milk cartons!

oven pizza
*tunes oven dial to 450 degrees and places pizza in the oven. sets timer for 13miinutes (occuring in real life)*

is there anything else i can get the Lord and Lady of the house? *resumes grovelling position despite back pain*

ehhehehe....I have a arrived to slay all purebloods in the house...Notice the Funyuns necklace made with real synthetic garlic powder!!! hahahahah!!!!! I am immortal and all that....but um...can I use your phone, the streetlights just came on and I have to call my dad...

Hmmm.. go out and find us live food! I could use a nice young warm virgin in my lap!

*approaches renshai*

i must defend the Lord and Lady

*begins slap boxing renshai*

i'll attempt to... oohh i'll just get my xgf as far as i know she'll still a virgin

*hisses and bares fangs at Ren, then curses as one falls out and crawls around on the floor looking for it*

Oh okay yeah the phone's in the kitchen.. but it better not be long distance!

*site on the Lady's lap* Hewwo ...

Children everyone knows rock scissors paper are how you fight.

Rolls to get up out of corner 1-2-1 damn... guess I get to sit here and WHINE**********

*returns looking very angery*
just as i thought.... she was cheating on me. the slut, sorry she's not a virgin still... apparently she didn't think i could handle her.
i brought back her corpse though *smiles and drags ex's body into the room

Wait wait wait...My ears....*cough cough cough*...dammit...need my super duper magic user level 30 inhaled potion of indestructablility (flovent)...LOL...*PUFFF*...ok, bring it on you evil undead vermin!!!!! My dad said I could stay till 9 but i have school in the morning and clarinet lessons after...

*pets her new lapdog*

Mmm.. dead xgf is tasty.

That looks more like a dolly then an ex. But, hey if an inflate a date works for you all the better.

6-8-9
*grabs spear ou of corner*
looks like i have to impale myself for lack of knwledge of proper fighting.

MWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Good.. good... *rubbings hands together*

thank you m"lady i thought my xgf would satisfy you... and i have recieved revenge. time to check on the pizza!

okay pizza is done and to decoate the top i shall take this spear and drive it through my midsection
*climbs a ladder and holds spear up jumps down on the pointy end and slides down the entire length of the shaft*

your weak mind powers cannot phase me evil spawn of satan (checks cue card*....I have the eternal artifact of the blood of Christ!!! *holds up cross from my he-man masters of the universe costume*....

Just where are you shoving that shaft??

*using proper fighting techniques initiates in rock paper scissors with ren*

Oh no , Master ... he bears the bloody cross of the nazarene ... Hurry , let us escape through the window and take refuge in that castle like tree house ...

it's in my midsection... it's currently impaling my lung

The shaft , right ? I mean ... the spear shaft ...

1-2-3 SCISSORS!!!!!! hehehhee...die bloodsucker!!! DIE!!!! again....*rolls dice*...dammit....a 4 again...

And as a side note...OMFG that is the most hilarious pic EVER!!!! That's not the real skeletor at all...I killed him like 437 years ago...DUH

yeah the shaft is in my lung... hanging over the pizza... pizza is made with blood right *pauses and looks at the ground* its tomato sauce isnt' it... damn i knew that pizza was in to much supply for it to have blood on EVERY pizza

*rolls a ten

looks like i overpower you ren. take that you impudent mortal
*coughs up blood and collapses on the ground and begins twitching*

So the shaft is in your lung.. that sounds kinda kinky! Does it hurt much?

Blood pizza.. bring me some of that!

That is SO the real Skeletor! I met him at Horrorfind! He even laughed like Skeletor!

*stops twitching*
it doesn't hurt much once you get used to it... but at first it really stings, just don't pour any lemon juice or salt on it please.

*goes to get the salt and lemon juice*

Burn baby burn.

YOULL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!! NEVER!!!!!!!! Just please don't hit me int he face, I'm a bleeder...

*begins twitching with unfathomable pain*

AHHHHHHHHHHHH... AHHHHHHHHHHHH.... AHHHHHHHH (long story short it goes on forr a LOOOONNNNGGG time)

*starts beating on Ren with a plastic sword* I WILL DEFEND MY HOUSE TILL THE END! Or till mom tells me to go to bed..

Ahhh the screams of the children..

*whimpers*
please stop the pain *a small drop of lemon juice slides down the shaft*
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAHHHHHH ok i'm good. but seriously this hurts like hell

OUCH!!!!! Plastic hurts sometimes ya know!!!! dammit.....its almost time for Cosby....I have to go...*pouts*....can i have another jello pudding pop??? pLEASE

Alright alright, but next time you have to bring chips!

*Hands over another pudding pop and goes back to torturing Novarius with lemon juice*


Mmm.. lemony fresh!

eeek.

AHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*passes out from the pain*

Well since the boys seem a bit lonely
:sets down the boxes and the air pumps:
enjoy boys.

Hahahaha.. I think everybody's lonely here until the virgins arrive.

*throws water on Novarius to wake him bakc up*

Why virgins? They are so boring. You have to train them to get on their knees and worship at your alter.

*begins laughing hysterically*

LOL... funny song.
*stands up and goes over to get an IBC root beer w/ spear still impaling lung*

i wonder if i can open this bottle using the spear shaft
*slams bottle onto spear shaft shattering the bottle glass finds its way into the now 4" gapping hole in chest*
AHHHHHHH damn that hurts AHHHHHH why did i do it, WHY?

Oh come on, everyone knows that real virgins are just sluts wearing white..

Nov you're making such a mess on my floor, my mom's SO gonna kill us!

Oh and hear I thought they might have something to do with Rocky Horror newbies.

wow this is funny as hell my sides hurt from laughing so much great thread lucios you didnt tell me you were so creative have you thought of making this a comic ?just a thought :) have fun

Hey I resent that ...
I only wear BLACK cos I'm a vampire =P

okay... i'll get the paper towels... sorrryyyy
*begins grovelling at the Lady's feet and then heads off to find the paper towels while trying to hold in as much blood as he can*

That reminds me, Luc told me another rule but I had yet to post it.

Every Friday and Saturday nights, the entire House must watch Rocky Horror Picture Show at least twice, and learn ALL the audience participation.

On DVD of coarse since most wouldnt be able to go out after dark to go see it in the theatre.

Yes Lucios is creative.. Funny, sexy, an asshole, and now creative yet to boot!

Rolls to go to the bathroom 4-2-1 AHHHHHHHH Does that mean I can go?! Gah, can't remember are we playing high or low....

Yes, DVD and a widescreen tv. I want to see Dr Frank's corsetted body life sized.

Well...Lets see, I can get the 7.99$ cape from my nephew's halloween costume. I have plenty of red kool-aid in my kitchen drawer. i rolled a 7 on my 10 sided die , so I,m not food. I have a plastic set of fangs. I'm all set......But wait, The plastic fangs won't fit over my real ones. Can we compromize?

Damnit Janet! *throws rice*

O.o Am I in trouble? Did I have to roll to do that???

This thread has been automatically closed for length.

Yes, you must break off your real ones. I can do this for you if you wish.