The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

**Congratulations! You're dead!**

Yes, really. You've finally kicked the bucket, shuffled off this mortal coil, or simply forgotten to renew your subscription to life.

Now comes the fun part.

**Write your own obituary!**

How did you meet your untimely (or ridiculously overdue) end? What will people remember you for? What scandalous secrets will finally come out? And who gets your collection of questionable possessions?

Be dramatic. Be sarcastic. Be outrageously funny. Be completely ridiculous.

You can die heroically, embarrassingly, mysteriously, or in a freak accident involving a rubber duck and a toaster.

**The only rules:**

- Write your own obituary, not someone else's.
- Keep it fictional. The more absurd, the better!
- Dark humour is welcome. Personal attacks are not.
- Have fun with it!

After all, you're dead. What are they going to do? Kill you again?

**Rest in pieces!** 💀

# OBITUARY: WITCHYKITTEN (1971–2026)
*Gone, but still causing trouble.*

It is with great sadness, considerable confusion, and a suspicious lack of cooperation from her cats that we announce the untimely demise of Witchykitten, aged 55.

The deceased was discovered at home, surrounded by chocolate wrappers, unfinished creative projects, and two cats who appeared entirely unconcerned by the situation.

**THE TRAGIC INCIDENT**

According to investigators, Witchykitten was peacefully enjoying her morning hot chocolate when she received yet another unsolicited dick pic.

Witnesses report that she rolled her eyes so violently that she lost her balance, tripped over a cat, became entangled in her own broomstick, and fell headfirst into a laundry basket.

Unfortunately, the basket was positioned directly beneath a shelf containing her extensive collection of heavy books.

The resulting avalanche proved fatal.

The official cause of death has been recorded as **"Death by Dick Pic – with complications."**

The sender has since been charged with possession of a deadly weapon. Unfortunately, the evidence was too small to be admitted in court.

**A LIFE WELL LIVED (MORE OR LESS)**

Friends describe Witchykitten as a loving, creative, sarcastic woman with a generous heart, a wicked imagination, and absolutely no patience for bullshit.

She leaves behind two cats, several fictional men, an impressive collection of dark clothing, and approximately 437 unfinished ideas that someone else will now have to deal with.

**HER FINAL WISHES**

1. No boring funeral speeches.
2. No flowers. Bring chocolate.
3. Anyone saying "She's in a better place" will be haunted.
4. Her cats inherit everything.
5. Any attractive, dark-haired gentlemen attending the funeral are requested to carry the coffin. Shirtless, if weather permits.

A memorial service will be held at midnight, followed by a small gathering featuring inappropriate jokes, loud music, and refreshments.

Attendees are kindly asked not to wear white.

**In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to the Society for the Prevention of Stupid People.**

Her gravestone will read:

**HERE LIES WITCHYKITTEN**

*She finally ran out of fucks to give.*

**P.S.** The deceased has already filed a complaint regarding the quality of her coffin and is demanding to speak to the manager. 🪦

OBITUARY: MYSTICSTORM

MysticStorm has passed on, after a brief but heroic struggle with the last slice of pizza. He was last seen answering an A to Z thread at 3 a.m., refusing to admit he had already used that letter.

He is survived by an overflowing candy bowl, a cat who never respected him, and roughly forty unfinished horror movie watchlists.

In lieu of flowers, please post in the Sandbox. He would have wanted the last word.

Rofl, yeah those cats. *puts some flowers next to your post*