The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Another year is about to close its door. There are many ways to look at it. To me I try to think its a promess that new times lay ahead.



2005 was the darkest year of my life on this planet. It could be said that everything that could have gone wrong did. In an awfull chain of events that in the end has left scars on me that run so deep yet that no one can see. I do beleave that I have seen humanity at its worest.



Out of the darkness comes ferm beleafs. I fermly beleave that drugs are no escape for anyone that if a human being has to go that low maybe there better of working at makeing there life actually better Vs hideing in something else avoiding all the responsabilty they should, and do have to there own lives. I've been clean since last easter, and I've really become an advocate to the idea that what with the long term damage people do to them selves maybe your better off shooting your dealer instead of slowly killing your self.



Drinking - a demon myself have I wrestled with in my more down times. Down times that I admit where caused more by the disease in my own mind that causes such deep depression, and paranoia. I've had a few drinks durring the christmass time I've had but not near as much as most of the locals here would deem there idea of "getting loaded".



Friends - There's something in my general mistrust now of human beings I have so few of. My willingness to meet new people is totaly shatterd. But yet I will hold dear the friends I have found in this place, and as well in MXO. I know at time it does not seem as if you've helped but really you have.



Thank you's to those who in our conversations here you have saved me at times from thinking too much, and have made me a better person because of it.



I'ed like to thank most of all my significant other. Durring at time that I thought none to much of me you with your insistance that I am such a great person.... the phone calls.... Chritsmass cards.... pictures, and insistance that I am worth your time have done more for me then any words any profeshional could have used.



Over all I'ed say thank you VR for giveing me a second home. A place where my writeings where excepted. Where the conversations have always been of better qwality then I've been prevey to over the past years. I think we should all thank those responsable for VR continued existance. It might not be as BIG as VF, and those other places but its not qwanity its qwality something this place, and its member have very much of.



Happy New Years All!

The nights of Christmass flow out across the holiday sceen like red berrys lost to the floor. Tails of woe, death, the lack of presence of both the adopted parents familys, the absense of friends, and my own spurts of physical not wellness - compounded by the cursed desease rearing its ugly head have turned this holiday from a spectical or joy to something much more gray.



Where the lights twinkel what jolly things they used to eluminate have taken on almost fake plastic goulish perportions.



The eating from the carcass of that poor dead bird, and the gutting it to its bones seems more like the occupation of some cannibal nation or some serial killer disposeing of a victom.



I've been avoiding some of the meals in favor of bagel's with creamy cheesyness, and sandwiches of the same veritey.



I feel like maybe losely quoteing "this is our winter of our discontent" or some such. Everything just seems to have slowed way down. The days drop past in an agony all there own.



There is dispite the best efforts an absence of cheer here to the point where I almost feel like I'm drowning in a pond trapped under a layer of ice.... as if these moments could become frozen like this for ever stuck in this dreary state of remission.



Thus is the state of this

Black Christmass

I had not been sleeping well.... thus this morning up till now I still have no sleep. But this time its for another reason.



I checked the forums for the MMORPG I've been playing only to see a post about someone who I considered a friend, but really only knew for a very short period of time. Sometime over the past 2 days she took her own life. A few letters, and posts where brought to the communitys etention.... she really was not happy, and had bi-poler.



I don't know what else to write about this its kinda...... I feel like I've been shot in the head or something.



I guess I'm in a state of mourning.... I really dont know what else to say I'm kinda speechless.



(sighs)

She stiches me up, and glues me back togeather. She makes me feel wanted, and not so alone. Problems exist but really.... its mostly due to distance.



Long distance relationships via the internet are at best risky. What with all the media hoopla over the so called evils of web-blogs, and all the psychos one CAN meet online. You cant really blame any one for going "what if".... I mean really whos to say that the person your talking to really is WHO they say they are.



I've made the joke in the past that everyone online is actually a fat truck driver from Idaho. Because you never really can tell.



I'ed like to think here in the Vampire Rave community where we all seem to be older, and more mature that we are all honest to each other about who we are.



I've made some great friends here.... I've even met one person from here in person. Despite my friends school scedual at University I have actually managed to not only get myself out of the house but have 2 coffee brakes with her. Not much but I dont trust many people, and its nice to have one friend I can talk to in person.



Thanks Ash I think of you like a little sister its kinda cool :)



lol its funny maybe I should refure people to her when asking of my charicter yeay one person who knows me, and not just from on here.



After thinking a bit I really dont blame Izzys parents for thinking the worest.... why? Because thats what the media has taught us to think. I mean we are flooded with warnings day by day about the evils of the internet.



I dont know I was raised differently. I've grown up with BBS'es, and the internet. I've had opps on IRC channels. I've been a part of one of the bigger gameing clans in the US. I've spent time on loads of online communitys. Maybe I'm just more open minded about life then some people.... and you can tell when someones acting shadey thats what "block" and "delete" are for after all.



I dont know.... I'm just me. I'm just a big dork who likes sci fi, video games, music.... I love the gothic industrial subculture.... I like cute fluffy anime. I have a stuffed Gir from Invader Zim.... ammm.... I'm just a really big dork....what else can I say.



I'ed like to think I was raised right. I dont do drugs, and I dont drink excessively. I respect peoples desissions but yet I stay away from scocial situations involveing drugs, and partys N' such. I'm to artsy for that sceen. Too dorky.... and the most part a loner.



Meh I'm just venting.... blah

I was haveing an emoish night as is. Sitting in the coldness thinking to much. Maybe I get my hopes up? Maybe I havent realized fully yet that in my life there is no room for right.... I am always wrong.... wrong for everything, and everyone.



Its like a strange feeling of dajavoo.... watching shit come apart like a fryed rope.



I also made the mistake of going back to my old web blog place tonight to see if there was any writeing there.... I checked to see if any of the people I used to know had posted anything. Its sick but there all much happyer now that Im not around any more. it furthers my way of thinking that I AM THE PROBLEM. As nice, and sweet as I am it just seemes like everyone from my old life is better now that Im not in it any more.



Then again what am I in now? Night becomes night becomes night.... I see little of the day light. Not for any hocus pocus about the sun.... its because after all thats happend in my life im scared of people. The comments.... the abuse.... the bullshit.... Maybe I am a classic case of the dog that was kicked to much so now I hide under the stars.



How know....

So I'm not eating.... and sleeping is becomeing hard as well. Hmmm tonight I find myself in the mood for Depeche Mode. Besides listening to some of there CD's I've also got the tribute CD spining.... I dont useually quote other peoples works.... but this songs haunting me



Shake The Disease - by Depeche Mode



-

I’m not going down on my knees,

Begging you to adore me

Can’t you see it’s misery

And torture for me

When I’m misunderstood

Try as hard as you can, I’ve tried as hard as I could

To make you see

How important it is for me



Here is a plea

From my heart to you

Nobody knows me

As well as you do

You know how hard it is for me

To shake the disease

That takes hold of my tongue

In situations like these



Understand me



Some people have to be

Permanently together

Lovers devoted to

Each other forever

Now I’ve got things to do

And I’ve said before that I know you have too

When I’m not there

In spirit I’ll be there



Here is a plea

From my heart to you

Nobody knows me

As well as you do

You know how hard it is for me

To shake the disease

That takes hold of my tongue

In situations like these



Understand me

-

(sighs) I've been haveing major sleeping problems. My sleeping paterens have become totaly eratic.... nothing.... not counting sheep... relaxing music.... steemed milk.... nothing seems to work in getting me to go to sleep.



FUck you sheep.... your not helping :'(

Its really coming down out side. I went out for 2 hour walk in it to get a coffee, and a bagel. When I went to go out there was a package left in the door.... Rammstein's Rosenrot - limited Edition version. I'm a sucker for limited release versions of CD's and import double CD versions.

Hopefully more stuff comes in the mail today once the snow stops. One of the bains of Christmass shopping online... "will my stuff show up in time"....



Meh back to enjoying Christmass music, and the snow :)

We'll that season is upon us once again. I spent most of yesterday cleaning the half of the house that is NOT mine.... due to the fact that I cat really decoreate down here the cat would destroy the stuff.



I finished the last touch to the tree this morning.... the upstears liveing room gets used as like a common room here so that is where the tree is too.



This morning I feel all cold and rubbery..... my neck feels like a rubber band thats been pulled to tight.



I just got up in time to catch Izzy before she left for work.... then curled up at the comp with some Type O Negative playing....



I am hungry.... but yet I cant think of anything that I actually want to eat. I could have anything I want but.... just cant think of anything I want right now.



Hrmmm....

I am so tired right now.... its been a long long day. Spent all morning up, and awake on MSN talking to the bestest Izzy in the world. Then it was off to the mall ( gross icky mall full of people ) to see Aeon Flux.... and I really REALLY like the movie alot.... too bad the online reviews seem to be giveing it no better then a 3 out of 10. Then I putterd around all after noon. After foodies I went for a drive in the pissing rain.... geesh only a few weeks to Christmass, and its raining buckets.... I can see this is going to be a green Christmass.



I had more to say..... I'll add more later to tired to type.... gonna go nappy.