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This time of the year always gets me. Thus my ranting as of late I remember people places things..... I stop counting the what seems like many life times. Tonight I dreamed of the 2 sister I was friends with long long ago. Only to search to find of yeah obituarys.... everyone's dead from back then all of them.



That's the thing about this you fools don't get you sit there saying your vampires saying your undead or something else. But what you fail to see is if you where one of the spiritually afflicted like my self you.... why would you tell any one? Or for that matter why would you even come to a place like this?



I know why I did I was alone and writing here, and the place that existed before vampire rave that is if you know the sites history. Before that it was BBS'es before Netscape and all this internet of porn and crap. Before that it was bits of paper I would leave places hopeing someday one might find one.



That's all that's left to me is this romantic idea that some where out there.... there is one more like me who is not like me or the others a chronic avoident. That's another thing. I know im alone even on this place because we avoid each other.



That makes the rest of you really addicted to role playing. Well no not all if you there are a few people on here who lagit have demons following them around.... who see ghosts.... but still to my knowlaged over the years on VR I still remain the only true spiritual enitiy that would come close to what you movie and tv watching gold fish may deem as something else not people. That's what Lynn called us Not People.



Because we pass you in the street sometimes we give you the jeebies and you don't know why.... we never really age much.... it's a pain in the ass we always have to move around.... and in the days of cameras every where, social insurance numbers, and plastic money.... it's getting harder. There are ways not very nice ones. It there are ways around everything.



After all I'm still here



And when I stop writing here it will be simply because I too have given up..... or I was black bagged and taken to that military base up north and cut to peaces or maybe kept in a cell till they figure out wtf to do with me.



Me personally I realize to the right cause I could be one hell of a weapon. I mean I know what I can do.... always seeing the train coming..... seeing what's on the other side of walls.... seeing places I have no physical way to get to.... I don't die to easy.... cold does not effect me much I mean -45 and I don't do up a jacket or wear a hat.... never got frost bite.... hell I bet there are things about me I don't even know.



Why write this?



Some one inspired me



Thank you kindly



But for the record not everyone on here wears plastic vampire capes not everyone on here is a roll player some of us monsters do reside here in plane site after all if you where not human completely is this not exactly the one place you would hide out?



The one place no one would expect or for that part ever take you seriously ^.^



Good night

You can buy them everything, and they'll tell you how horrible you are. You can do it for all the right reason, and still beyond it's not good enough.



I'm never good enough



There is always something

And if there is not you go and search to find something

Why do people do this hold others for emotional ransom the " if you love me you'll do this" I can't help but feel used by most people most of the time.



It's ok when I'm empty you'll call me useless, and go find someone else to leech off of. I'll always be just that person you knew once. You won't keep a photo maybe you'll stop thinking of me then.



Maybe that's why I gave up on music and art because people loved what I did but I was so used to being used.... it all just felt wrong kinda why even know when I see things or things whisper to me to tell people messages I feel bad even telling someone there loved one wants them to know there ok. Why because people get awesome things every day, and yet complain they have bad luck.



Please before I'm

Gone send me someone who is not selfish

Who actuallly see'es how great this world is

I just don't want to go out drowning in people

Who are so negative they see nothing worth being thankful for and there so self entitled they think this life owes them everything with out really having to work for it



You don't know shit



Just saying



You don't know sweet fuck all

I'm packing my bags in the middle of the night again. I'm on a plane in the morning again....



I get to go home



define home



What is home



It's that place where we keep things



I wanted to say good bye



Because when I travel I don't talk



Because I love to travel that much I get so involved in the looking out the windows. Eating the little travel snacks, and the trying to be human even though I don't look it.



I always get those in easy looks. I still remember the Pro Golfers on a flight into the US that where laughing about me making cruel comments until that is I went to use the wash room. I stood up from my seat, and as I walked passed them I watched them all turn pale, and all I did was look at them.



Those eye's that back in school freaked them out so much. "did you see that the head does not move but the eyes do" I habit I have of my head staying locked in the direction I'm going but my eyes follow you. Those eyes that change colour, and have the strange pits in them that used to make kids want to puke on closer inspection.



Those arms overly long, and thin. Those long fingers that people would tell me I have piano hands. The tall height that kids used to tease me for cutting a shadow that no one wanted to see in a dark ally way.



I wear layers these days, and an over sized hoodie. So you can't really tell exactly the state of the body under it. The mirrored shades hiding those gross eye's so no one has to deal with them. The ear buds that staple the music to my ears so I don't have the listen to you. The gloves that hide my overly odd hands. Everything hiding the scars, and the trichotillomania only visible via the misshaped eye brows. The out of place noise that was smashed off a rock repeatedly as a child. The nails I have to keep trimming so they don't reach there 2 inch normal length.



What they don't see.... the cooper scaring under the skin from the "bleeding" that occurred for no reason the doctors could explain. All the stretch marks showing the fact the skins shifted a lot. Every wear those bluer then blue vains popping out from under the pale skin. The bruises in places I can't explain how they get there.



There is no pretty here under all those layers.... love becomes an emotional thing never physical. When people physically touch me I recoil. I've been known to say don't touch me.



But yet I sit, and watch them all the little people traveling to scurrying around acting so self important. There not though there all funny little grains of sand. There lives so short.



Moments like this I miss the one I said I would sit under a tree with. I told her one day we would just so we could say we did it. So strange looking we would have been two creatures so alien to the rest of you sitting under a tree. Wearing our layers even on bright sunny days.



I miss you more then I miss any one. Your deaths head looks. Me looking always into those eyes when we talked. I miss you more then any one else but I never told you. I tried to find you recently but your gone. When I finally run out of Chi, and the lights go out that will be the regret I'll take with me that during THIS life time I never got to sit under that tree with you.



I'm alone



I realize that



alone

Where do I start. Ice candles on the door step, it was snowing, and I was standing there with baggage fresh from a plane ride about to meet someone I thought I had a lot in common with. Someone who I thought had just been mistreated. There are always two sides to a story I realized the other side way too late.



I should have taken the hint when you hated my friends at the time how you never wanted to go out side. How we would have our little fights, and you just lay in bed. All you wanted to do you said was go home. Being so miserable where you where we moved. You telling me that's what you needed that once back on home terf all the things you would do.



Only to get there, and move from one hell to another. Watching you repeat the same thing. Stay in bed hate everything, and then you started questioning me. Then you made me feel like I was not good enough. Always one more thing with you. We move again you saying you will feel better. You will go out side have a job we will do things.



Then nothing more arguing while I spent what I had trying to get the happy back. In the end some $145,000 you only ever went to one job interview. Everything was terrible to you more I got blamed.



Then I tried to run to an old friend. You saw it took it the wrong way, and you never let that go. Still you have not. Still hateing everything still everything my fault.



Then the baby came, and the cats.... still the fucks cursed at things, and curesed at me.



We move again but that changes nothing everything's still my fault I keep doing it I keep feeding the toxic environment hopeing something changes. You still don't get it. I get a great job but my boss is abusive I tell you but you still don't get it all this time me paying for everything. All the food the home the cars the xboxes the tv the EVERYTHING.



Guess what your still not happy. You swear at your child, you swear at the cats, you swear at the new puppy. You go on rants about how everyone else sucks. You tell me I can have friends but when I try you mock my efforts, and hate on my friends. You then tell me if we brake up you want half of everything.... actually it was a threat or was that a promise.



4 years of that I indured



Yet I did not love you?



I'm what's wrong with the relationship.... I always wanted someone else. No no I just wanted someone who did not take me for granted did not bait me into situations to beat me down only to make them selfs feel like they where not at fault.



Look up what a Toxic person is..... read it read it all I hope you find this but then again you would just blame me any how but you where like this long before I came along. I was just another nice person you emotionally beat into living for you.... but it was never with you. You do not live with people like you.... you suffer with people like you.



Because no matter what any one does your always the victim and it's damn well everyone else's fault because we are all unfit garbage to you like your oh so much better.



Your not



Your worse then the people you put down



Way worse

I wanted to write it down one last time get it out of my system, and then finish deleting things.



When I made up my mind to leave home that it was time to start over it was because it was not working. Living some place where all your doing is wasting away waiting for someone to notice you. Go have that coffee. Talk to you for just 5 minutes. Or even just acknowledge your existence. Or how painful it is you never noticed or maybe you did, and your just cruel. Either way I left moved met someone else did all the things your suppose to do but yet you still haunt me. I can't have peace no matter what I do your still there in my mind back there in the backed up data.



Months go by your washed from my mind I'm ok then you come back into my loaded space my operating day to day part of my mind. My god I want you out I want you gone. I don't want to think back have memory's. I don't want the pain any more. No matter how I felt I was just another person to you. That's all I am to everyone it seems just another thing to pick up, and put down.... punch kick then grow board.



When the money's all gone.... when the plastic is removed, when I'm naked on the floor with nothing left to offer any one sucked dry by the romance of trying to be human for you.



What am I to you?



Just as I always have been just another.... thing

COMMENTS

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NoNameNikita
22:09 Dec 03 2016

What you are not to some, you are to another.

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