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After last nights wonderfull mental and emotional assault I'm trying to recover today. But I just dont feel the same now. I could be the happyest person in the world and all it takes is for him to come on in open his mouth and.....



I dont know if you've ever met someone like this..... they love to argue...... at first you'll say no that color is this color then they'll say its another color....... finally you agree with them then they say something like are you mad...... and tell you its the color you said it was in the first place then proudly proclaming your still wrong and stupid.



that is what it is like dealing with this man. and no amount of self preperation can keep me from getting hurt over his bull shit.



Im still a mess right now..... and its effecting other people around me because im depressed now.



people who I dont want to effect in any way like this.....



I feel worthless again



why do I even try

Almost 35 years of his bullshit.... I dont know if he knows what he does to me.... or maybe im afread for the notion that he indeed knows what he does.



i started smoking because of him



i started drinking because of him



and if im on the edge he'll be the frist one to push me over



My fathers sadistic i dont think he'll be happy till i die before him. its never been so clear as things where tonight.... the number one reason I am the way I am



not this time..... not this time.... please make it stop.... make it stop.... please someone.....

So if you have not noticed I've been on here a bit as of late. I'm just passing time thats all. But seriously have you ever stoped to really read and look at profiles on here?



How much of you people are here rolling playing something hmmm? Its sort of like getting dressed up and going to a club friday night isent it? Or maybe its more like Disney world to you? The mouse does not follow you home after words does he? No its all safe and secure.... you can come play "lets pretend" for a little while.



I think its funny.... if you had the choice to see things from the other side of the looking glass do you think you would be so eger? I'll give you some examples.



Would you really want to be able to peel open the persons mind sitting next to you line an onion.... and go pokeing around in there?



Would you want to be mentally linked to someone in another country whos in hospilte and your feeling everything there feeling?



Would you like to live a life where food does well nothing half the time most suttle flavors you dont even taste them.



Do you think it would really be to any advantage to be able to go out side in the middle of the night wearing very little and spend 3 hours moving tons of snow.... and not feel any cold what so ever?



How about sun light.... would you like to have a endless migrain?



How about just the simple act of crying.... its sort of hard to ball your eyes out if you dont feel jack all for most things.



think about that.... realize yes there are advantages.... but if I was a nice little human with a nice human family.... with nice little human feelings.... and nice little human things that you have to do and responsabilitys....



I wouldent give that up for the world



be happy your 100% human.... and dont rush so fast to tossing it all away.



food for thought



or maybe thats thought for the food?

One day I'm sure long after I'm gone someone will come across this place.... find where over the past few years all these jagged bits of me have been spread out.



Over the years there have been alot of people who have tryed to be there. Tryed to help. I've watched countless people make there promess'es.... and then fucking epic fail all over the place. Todays another one of those days. Another persons let me down.



I'm not good to be near people neather are they good to be near me. I need to be alone some place away from everyone. Like maybe turn a bomb shelter into a home.... only come out when I really have to.



You know its not that people really hurt me.... its the fact that they think I'm that stupid they can lie to me. how many times have people told me everything is going to be ok?



I've become so prefeshional at walking away from people it scares me. This last one got to close. I should NEVER let any one get in that far. WTF was I thinking?!?! All I am to these people is something different.... something to play with.... oh look something new interesting and shiney..... sorry if I was a toy there would be a product recall for pointy parts that you could take your eye out with.



You dont need me any of you.... you just think I'ed be "fun" to play with.... then to your horror you realize.... your not willing to commit to what your asking for. no one is.....



So thats that..... this was the last time I let any one in.... from this point forwards.... no one else gets in! NO ONE!

The green stuff in the little bottle makes it all go away.... 2 glassess of the green stuff in the little bottle puts me under.... the suger cubes desolve.... and I mix them in oh so carefully.... and all inhabition is gone.... I say the things you wanted to say but could not.... I'll do the things you wanted to do but could not.... you murdered your self internally.... and you let me out.... its ok the green stuff in the little bottle will make it all go away.



I'll chase the little green pixie for you.... untill your ready to come back out and play.



SED.

The Last Straw brakes the cammels back. I can't survive like this.... not me.... so I feel its spred through my vains.... that other me inside me.... let them drive for a while.... only one problem with letting her out shes not nice.... but I'm going to give her what she wants now.... going to let her take over for a while.... I'm too tired to do this.... I can't take any more.

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ladySnowStrixx
15:38 Feb 19 2009

you never know you might have more fun by letting her out I always do my other me says things I would only think about saying , and she has a wicked temper.

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Things changed or so I thought. The new living space was making me very happy with its purple walls, and black accents.



But right now I feel like someones taken a base ball bat to my reality.... went made thumpy thumpy..... then finished it off with a shot gun blast.



I thought getting away from online.... trying to drown myself in reality was a good idea. Maybe it was not. Trying to make like work almost with a do or die frenzy. Right now I feel like a pile of Epic Fail.



Docters apointment in the morning. I think before I update my LOA status I'm going to tell him look..... I thought being out side of the work place would help.... I thought doing constructive things would help.... no no it was a momentary distraction.



I quit drinking.... I quit all the bad things....



Things where getting better....



I do not feel better right now let me tell you. Am I perma depressed? I mean for someone whos not working right now am I hurting for money? No.... am I in a nice living space.... hell yes better then most. Do I have friends.... yes I do.

All those things and then a whole lot more are sapose to mean life is good right?



Then why do I feel so hopeless?



Why do I feel so lost?



All of my life I've had answers for everything.... I've always been of help to others but right now I have nothing upstears but a empty head, and a total in-ability to think about anything.... I could be painting or something right now but I dont want to its all I've done for the past week is paint and write shit.



Yeah I know.... no pictures here.... I did not add any writeing here....



Even the mear moment of sitting and singing along to music.... something I used to do so much.... I just cant do it.



I've tryed dieing it never works.... I've tryed trying to live like all you monkeys do.... that never works....



Life = I just cant do it any more

Originally I was going to delete my profile here.... but I was talked out of doing that sorta. Things in my life have been changeing at an alarming rate over the past 3 weeks. Things I never for the like of me saw coming.



If you read these enterys you'll know I have not been happy in what seems like forever.... real happy is hard to find these days.



As I put up on the other online place I've been known to go to.... I am dropping off the map for a while.... I wana see where this new turn in my life takes me.... I do not know where I am going to end up to.



things have totaly changed for me.... everything about life has changed.... I've spent the past 2 days deleteing myself off the net.... but I'm keeping here...... I'll update this.... we'll see where this goes....



for now..... good bye

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Isis101
21:43 Feb 06 2009

Wow...good luck.

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As of the 16th of last month I went on LOA from the mad workies. This is being watched over by a docter, and I report to him again shortly.



The docters a friend of the family there is an "understanding" about confidentiality.



But I think a speritualist friend of mine explaned it best.... I'm not sick I'm just full of negativity. I've quit the bad habbits.... the feelings of all that negativity leaving my body honestly feels like something had leached into my very bones.



Its painfull to drop everything cold turkey thus why I'm on LOA besides the stress. Also not having to go out in the day time is helping it was getting to the point that the migrains where cracking my skull in half from the light sensativity.



I figure another 2 months like this I might start feeling better. hopefully with out sleeping pills I hate those things.



I should feel more like myself soon I hope once I stop coughing up dust and grime.

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sbetee
05:19 Feb 06 2009

Awwww, I hope you feel better soon....

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