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Its hot sticky and gross out side. Nothing I try to do seems to hold my etention for long. I'm fidgety.... and generally bored.



Time for another, walk, drive, coffee, bed, and movies till I pass out.



Murrr since the motor bike situation is nill.... I'm settleing for a little black used car instead.



I should be excited about this.... but this weather makes me feel so icky.



BLAH TO THE ICKY!

You can go out there. You can walk walk walk, and never see another liveing soul. At times the music from my phone the only company I have.... save the nightly phone call from the only close person I have to me.



The stars in the sky seem further away then they used to. The leaves blowing in the summer breez sound like the ocean. The clouds some night playing there endless peekaboo with the moon.



Even in my sad state I find peace. Sometimes I wonder if there is someone else out there like me looking up at the same night sky... walking some place else alone wondering if there is someone else out there doing the same there they are.



I wonder how far away they are.... and if we ran into each other.... would they run the other way screaming.

There is nothing worse then realize that you've completely and totaly failed.



Thats where I am this evening. I look at my debt load.... I looked at my life.... I sit back, and take a long cold hard look at it all.



I failed



I've always known what would happen before it did.... at times I tryed to warn others of things... at times I've tryed to tell friends, and family that serton things would come to pass if this or that was or was not done.



No one listend.



My own adopted fathers always told me that I was wrong about well..... everything. Anytime I tryed to do what he told me to do Vs what I KNEW should of done its always led to nothing but total disaster.



I guess I'm done fighting now.



I just don't have it in me any more.



I'm sick of fighting for every scrap I can get.... the reality is I'm going to be 32 in October, and I have nothing to show for it.



Nothings ever worked out.



I cleaned my self up.... I tryed collages.... I tryed jobs... I tryed creating my own opertunitys and at every corner I was used.... denied.... and told no.



I'm just so sick of it all.



Just so damn sick of it.



I'm done ice skateing up hill... I'm sick of feeling that boot on the back of my head keeping me down. But lifes proven that the more the fight the more I get pushed down harder.



I don't want to retell here my life story. All I can say is that some wars people just cant win.



This is my white flag



my will is gone



gone

I finally canceled my RFO account this morning... I really had not been playing it much any more the grind really got too depressing. Oh well I made it as far as level 38 out of 50. I'll miss my friends there but honestly im too poor to aford it now.



Oh well fun while it lasted I sapose... and I'll miss the people I met there.



Just another casualty in my life thats slowly going down the tubs the rest of the way.

Thursday night I actually went out and did something! GASP yes I know amazeing is it not? I went to the local traditional story tellers meet. Two glass'es of really nice red wine later I had a most wonderfull time in a old navey officers loft pub surounded by all this WWI memrobelia, and hearing perfectly charming storys, poems, and resitations from verying parts of the world. After this I went for a walk had a coffee, and a bagel... just relaxed... and window shopped.



A very stark contast to my useuall not very out in public places self.



I had a good time, and plan to go back to the next meet on the 30th. Also there is another event up coming in the local wine vaults haveing a todo about traditional Fay foke tales about the wee foke.



More over I think the point here is that not all forms of entertainment come on XBOX 360s and that in todays modern world I think the idea or just sitting around, and hearing tall tales and folk lore is lost to alot of people the best example most could come of this would be those Lord Of The Rings movies.... probley and sadley most likely the closest most will ever come to hearing any form of pasted down litrature.



THE SPOKEN WORD IS NOT DEAD!!!!

I need a serious life injection. My bodys been feeling like its stuffed with saw dust as of late....



" humms the if I only had a brain song from the Wizard Of Oz "



Finally after getting the wrong version of the CD from Amazon.... Metropolis gave me my Apoptygma Berzerk fix! The proper 4 song 1 video version of the new Love To Blame single came today, and was ported over the the phone asap.



Speeking of that.... I dont really understand why Motorola made the new Eraz phone only able to hold 100 songs when in memory it could hold more in the flash ram! I mean dear lord if I was into 2 min long hard core punk songs, and I could only put 100 on this thing that wouldent be half the listening time! :P lol then again 100 songs is enough to go out for a walk with now isent it?



My new friend on MSN seems to have a problem with the fact that I dont speek unless spoken to. I dont unless your ONE of the lucky few just message you going Hay its me how are you! I always feel like im intrudeing on peoples lives you know.... I always feel sorta rude messageing people to start any form of communication.... its just who I am.... or part of who I turned into.



My best friend went and passed out early tonight it would seem.... I'ed call but once again I feel like I'ed be bugging someone.



sighs



I have NO communication skills what so ever!



I'm just a bi product of my existance... if one gets told to shut up and F OFF enough eventually one figures no one wants to or should even listen to you.



Such is my existance.... I bug people so I dont bug them.... people bug me so I stay away from them.... it make sense when you think about it.



cheers.

So you go to a online store... you pay for an item.... item is shipped almost 7 and a half weeks later they inform you it was returned to them and now they want you to pay for them to ship it again.... hmmm



This leaves me sorta rotted... and yes I know I'm always pissed off at something.

The sun continues is yearly assault on us beings that wish NOT to be caught in its well.... hotness.



Its been makeing feedings unplesent warm food just makes me wana puke, and I do too at that.



The package I payed for over 7 weeks ago I have given up for lost. Neather the post office nore the company that clamed they shipped it know of the packages where abouts.



Nothing else is really new.... nothing going on... just a whole pile of nothing.

You know I dont get people that say I don't try or that I've never tryed. I just finished a rant to someone who seemed to think I've failed at life due to LACK there of..... of doing anything with it.



Sweet holy fuck!



How many jobs am I after haveing?

I tryed 3 collages!

How many friends?

How many relationships?



No fuck you!



and telling me to TRY HARDER, and then giveing me the brush off??? WTF....... yeah know it makes me so angry!!!! How the hell do people expect any one to be able to do anything if everyone just has this "SO SUFFER" or "OH WELL WHO CARES" attatude!



Maybe thats my difference between me and everyone else. I do give a fuck, and nothing is trivial!



Its so fucked when you think about it.... everyone tells me YOU should be doing this or that...... then when you try they do everything they can to convince you.... you cant!



I hate human beings

and there your sapose to care but only as we say you should, about only what we think you should.... and only in how we can deal with you wich is by an large in my case.....



NEVER!



I'm sick of being treated like some UNFIT monsters.... for fuck sakes I'm not a child here any more people...... and dont give me that "you sure dont act like it" mind fuck job bullshit..... when all most of you seem to do is argue and fuck with people just so you can feel better in your sorry pathetic lives.



FUck this Fuck that fuck you fuck it all.....



I was a billion times sick of it all before today.... and right now.... I'm 10 times more so.



FUCK OFF.

Today has been odd.... yesterday was odd but both in verying degrees.



Yesterday I was ignored by everyone on the planet except 2 people.... its like I dident exist at all O.o



Today I see to be fumbleing and droping anything I put my hands on.



I've also been stomic sick today too....



Everything feels so dream like, and not real.... and in some degree I don't like it. :(

Canada day was well.... I wanted BBQ and dident get that.... I wanted fire works... I got that but got eaten alive by bugs....



Wait thats the same as last year, and the year before that and so on....



I've made a new friend! Shes really cool... its not often you find someone closer to your age who likes the same things I do.



The weathers been really gross all hot and sticky... Me no like :(



Still no sign of that figure in the mail.... grrrr



Life goes on