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Well this is it I tryed what ever happens now..... I sappose I stand at the bow of this sinking ship..... watch the water come up to meet me.



She would not listen..... he wont listen.... no one listens.....



If I was totaly alone with out any of the after effects living in this place, and trying to have any form of a life has given me... maybe I would be happyer. But to be honest all this place has done is drain me of well...... everything.



they've made it impossable for me to stay.... made it impossable for me to live here..... but yet no one lets me go. Its like being in a cage you did not make for your self but you where picked up and placed in and then forgotten about.



Untill dad dies this is where I will be.... in the sub basement of a house on this property.... no longer a being but a thing.... no different then a bird kept in a cage in a climent if he where to get out he would die....



just turn off the lights.... lay down and let the days turn to weeks turn to months turn to years.



turn into a wasted life time where no matter how hard i tryed no one would just let me live or remove the boot from the back of my neck.... thats right keep him down if you let him get up..... he might actually do and become something.



and if you've been reading all these..... all my little scraps i leave on here.... this is how this ends....

She replys.... yes we need to talk.... whats going on.... I'ed rather explain in person.... I'm sort of working at the moment.... oh..... is this importent..... yes very on many levels..... I will see if we can do lunch then.....



Then we start the slow process of me explaining NOT the situation but the emtions involved.... I'll save the actually situation names and such for in person. Besides I think this time I want to be in smacking distance..... one good hard smack across the face might do me some good right now from the right person.



by the end of this conversation i'll have to ask her the hardest question i will ever ask any one.... and depending on that answer and its results will depend on how all this turns out.... I sappose this is a little like putting a gun to your head.... telling someone something there not going to want to hear and waiting to see if they dont go fuck you and pull the trigger them selfs.



but maybe thats what i need a good old trigger pulling.

Sitting here in the dark sub basement trying to think of something i can do to fix my situation... the idea comes to me..... who is at the center of it all here.... who did I help get to where she is to....



So I leave a message a very simple one..... we need to talk asap.... and now I wait



Lets see if the queen of the city will come out and play have tea and crumpets and help me sort all this mess out in a most logical fashion.



shes helped me before sometimes with out me ever knowing it till after the fact lets see what she does this time once she knows all the facts.

Why.... why would someone say those things to someone, and then turn around walking away. Leaveing someone hurt confused.... and alone.



If I was all you ever wanted.... why did you chose to do what you did ? I don't think any one would blame me for being so confused. I fumble with my words trying to find something I could write to make sense of it all. I know we all have reasons but why now right when I needed someone the most.



When I am left alone in states like this its never a good thing. I over think things, and make mountains out of mole hills. Maybe if you where a painfully average person someone that I could stand to lose, and someone I would never miss. Maybe if you where just another soul wandering the land scape I would find it much easyer it look the other way.... or look down at my feet as you walk on by.



Instead I have such a complex array of emtions. Fryed ends of this or thats. Like I had taken a drink of some magic fruit, and hence forth after anything else I could taste would never live up to the same feeling. I think that is where I am now trying to deal with the fact that not only has another person walked in and out of my life in this fasshion but someone who I actually could just be myself around who thought so much of my words, and in turn I thought so much of there's.



It is hard to sit here, and think after all the things we said to each other. The things we said we would do togeather. How honest we where to each other about how we felt about things. No two faced acting, no I cant say this or that we just where we just did and we openly excepted each other for what we where.



You said maybe we aught to be just friends but you knowing what I am going through right now, and even telling me things will be ok. If two people have said so much to each other, and even then just wanted to be friends would they just stop talking? I would think not.



All I know is I am personally going through HELL. You said you would always be there to talk to but you don't seem to want to do that. I also did not think I would end up spending this weekend alone feeling like I do right now I sapose its hard to prepear for trains in life hitting one like this even if you see one coming.... I'm talking about my personal situation here not you exactly.



Hurt.... confused.... worried.... the only thing that has really made me lagit smile, and lagit be happy in a very long time seemingly gone all togeather from my existance. I sapose this is where I move away.... this is where I just forget.... and do what so many people have done to me.



I feel disgusting I feel like the most unworthy pile of garbage in the world right now. Not good enough for any one, any place, and any time. Most of my life I have had other plans.... backups if this happens I do and feel this way. In this case where it all came out of left field I have no such ideas....



I guess for what ever its worth I wanted you to find this some day realize what this was writen for. It was writen for you. Because you where just not another person to me you ment so much more then that, and I guess thats why I'm finding it so hard to just let go.... I know what I've lost here, and it pains me in ways I never knew possable even with everything else that I have experienced in my life. Everything that I was am, and could be I would gladly lay it all down at your feet, and say take this take it all for what it is worth. Just so I could prove my point that "just another" you are where not, and could never be.



This is where I sign off I guess. I figure if you ever wanted or do want me as any thing you'll come find me. I'm not, could not, and will not be mad at you. We all have our reasons for the things we do. Some of them more pure then others. I hope some day I find another person like you but I doubt that considering how long it took me to find this one. I'm never far away if you need me or want me for something.



I'm just going to end this like this, and leave it to you if someday ever you wish to keep me as you said you would, and in what ever capacity you would see fit to involve me in your existance. I thank you for your friendship, caring, and love at the time for it was the most REAL feeling thing I had felt in a long time.



Sinserist best wishes love, and sad faced good byes

Well it finally happend.... I gave up on everything.... she moved out and left.... my own father told me everything my mom said to me growing up that ive based myself my morals and beleafs on was all a lie because she never wanted to tell me the truth.



Everyone around me turning there backs to me no matter what they've said to me over the years.... I failed my last exam etempt....



this house and all its contents will be sold I'm leaveing.... where I'll go I have no idea.... but its time i left... there is no room left for me here.... there is nothing left for me here.



before there is nothing left of me mentally and emotionaly its time to move on....



time to move on

She finally left.... left the pets and the coffee maker and took everything else and herself and left. This was my first morning waking up to a house with out her in it.



let me tell you something it feels really strange.... Almost as strange as the very friends who sugested yes go ahead let her move out, and who where telling me to move the hell on now fall quite....



You can come over now shes gone....... no reply.... quite as the grave.... could it be my asumtions about the human race are about to be totaly proven true? Have I just been left alone like this in the subbasement of an estate with a crazy old blind man.... 2 cats.... a farret.... and a skinny pig? O.o



maybe this is how its sapose to end

I am not letting it show on the out side but for the frist time in FOREVER I can honestly say I am happy. I had a really great time last night hanging out with friends.



She went her way I went my way and it was awsome! I totaly agree now her moving the fuck out of my house is an awsome idea.... I'm making friends of people who HATE her friends.... and these people are awsome!



So even if I dont pass the exam at least one thing will change and that is the amount of stress from one part of my life and this makes me extreamly happy!



I love you yes I do the fact that after all thats happend to me people in this city still find time for me or for the fact that my god they actually want me around amazes me.



Maybe thats all I needed was to get the fuck out of this mess I'm feeling LOADS better already.... friends again tonight ^.^ and oddly enough im not drinking.... its actual SOBER fun.... who knew ^.^

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1SilentNoise1
02:32 Oct 26 2011

Note - same person 5 days later.... lets just say I'm still trying to take the knife out of my back but I just can't reach it!

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So this is what its like when things end.... a slow winding down of things.... final preperations before change occures.



I've been in this house for so long.... I wonder what it will be like to live some place else once its gone....



I wonder who I will finally feel once she is gone.....



So many questions.... I'll be finally FREE of all this.... but what does it mean to be FREE if you have no place to go.... if your dreams are all gone.... make new dreams I sappose.



no mericals here



nothing to stop this



this time its real



time to move on



and hopefully for once leave everything behind me

I came home, and walked in to hear my father on the phone in the main part of the house.... I creeped in to see what the conversation was about seeing as how I trust him about as far as I could toss him.



He was talking to someone about me.... about how he does not have the heart to tell me I will always fail.... that I will never make anything of myself....



I am so angry.... so angry with him, and everything around me right now.... its nice to know the people I've slaved over trying to help them have such high opinions of me :'(

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CharmedxOne
18:28 Oct 26 2011

Just remember you never have to live up to anyone's expectations except your own. If there's anything I've learned from such disappointments it's this: Love your family, but don't expect anything from them.

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Then... I fell a sleep wishing there was someone in my life who understood what it was like to live here.... and who would think the same of these people. I wished I did not feel so alone any more.... and then I was not.



Very much by accident I do not feel so much alone any more. I met someone who like me THINKS the same thing of the locals as I do.... both of us hermiting away, and not having much time for this etention seeking maggots.



I have never felt so happy in so many years finally someone else who see's what I do and who is not BLIND to all the drama etention seeking idiots. Just the knowladge that I am not in this any more by myself.... and the next time SHE takes off and goes out..... she kept saying I needed to find my own friends now I have one.... I'll go hang out with my new friend and talk for hours.... and listen for hours.... just spend my time with someone who is actually worth it for once. Its been so long since I can really say that.



While the rest of life is going to shit this might be exactly what I need to pull me through this.... and I am so appreciative of this person. I just hope they do not become annoyed with me because I really need them right now.... I need good things not bad.... I am sick of drowning in all this negativity!



I almost feel as if I can give a sigh of releaf I just hope they realize what this means for me.

So this is how this chapter ends not by my hands.... but by a load of guys who are sick of his diddleing ways.... he hit on way to many guys girl friends.... I wash my hands of this.... I want nothing to do with this.... but



Karma is a bitch is it not?



You open'ed your mouth one to many times.... you touched things that where not yours one to many times....



I would hope this will theach him a lesson.... but some how I doubt it some people are just so blind and don't see what they do is wrong.



Me I have better things to worrie about right now.... and I'm all out of synpathy

So a good friend of mine desided in a drunken state that he would tackel the whole relationship problem for me online on facebook....



The end result being....



People jump on the bandwagen.... one side agree's count faguless needed to be told thta other people have been seeing what has been going on, and do not agree to it.



On the other hand we have the HOW DEAR YOU tell someone who they can and can not be friends with comments.... once again no one knowing the back story....



more lies covering up and bullshit



Once agian I wonder.... if this relationship is so fucking awfull and my friends who see how this is effecting me are finally getting upset and there being told to fuck off.... but its OKIE for her friends to threaten me.... and threaten her.... and OMFG



ENOUGH!



I just wish she would leave.... I wish I could have a relationship NOT involveing OTHER guys and there friends.... and random morons.... I'ed love to be able to go out with someone be able to go do things togeather with out other people butting in.... you know a nice normal grown up relationship with out all this high school like drama from people well over the age of 20 who should know better then to act the way alot of the people around me do.



I'm so sick of feeling like this :'(

I feel like I am drowning.... life is slowly sucking the life out of me. Nothing is going right at all.... maybe it is time to just give up.... just admit I am not ment to be in this world.



No matter how much over the time that has been my life to this point I have tryed to just BE what one would call normal nothing has ever worked out.... I work my ass off more then most people I know, and it gets me no where....



I feel like a tired warn out machine that is on its last legs.... shit just keeps happening to me, and I just do not get it.... I feel like I am cursed.



I can go studie something be able to recite the text word for word.... to to write an exam and total FAIL being given marks that just do not make sense given the effort I put in....



I just don't know any more I feel so fucking lost.

How is today.... wet.... cold.... dark..... I love it!



After 2 months of torture I write my final certification exam today.... and I have the day to my self to go over things.... take a nap.... get a coffee and make my way to the offices to write the account estate planing exam.



It's a govement regulated exam.... I got 55% on my first try and all you need is a 60%



I know I got this ^.^

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1SilentNoise1
15:13 Oct 13 2011

I got 44% O.o or so the voice on the phone told me still not conformation letter or email on that mark :/

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Oooooookie so her best friend and her significant other are having hard times.... both of them saying the other is being a twat nugget....



He - quite kinda slow.... not the type of guy I would ever see yelling at any one.... always saying how much he loves her but wishes she would listen to him



She - quite sorta - sometimes loud - self confidence issues -



to look at them both they seem looks wise to be the prefect couple. But apparently that is not so. Apparently he loses it at her telling her how worthless she is and that if she leaves him she will never find someone else as good as him? Yet from one I can see she does not think much of him eather.... and neather one of them seems to respect the others space at all.... or at least from what I can see.... and yes they live togeather and have been for over a year.



My girls take on it is..... its an abusive relationship and she needs to move out and get over it end of story.... me I would like to get both sides of it. When there out with us doing something they seem best kind.....



But my over all issue with this is NOW she is looking at our relationship calling it abuseive now too? O.o Put the brakes on this for a sec.... seriously? She's the one with for all out side apparences from other peoples point of view has been dateing and well has 2 guys you could call boy friends.... she does all the FUN stuff with him while the other boy ( me ) lets her sleep in my home eat my food, and drives her to work. I'm not invited to go out when she goes to "have fun" shes not interested in anything I do at all HE likes all the same things and she gets excited over his stuff.... I get told I'm not good enough alot.... whos being abused here?



too make things more complax Count Fagula is friends with BOTH these girls.... both girls seem to have the opinions that THERE the ones who are right here.... I wonder if she goes off to go do things with Count Trys To Hard as well? That could explain how her signigicant others been feeling..... and this morning I over herd my girl say they both would have been better off if they had just hung out with HIM ( Count Faggy ) and had never gotten into these relationships O.o



so me and the other guy are the problems.... and Count Idiot Oh My God Pay Etention To Me I'm Awsome does NOTHING wrong????



(face palm) I'm I the only one who can connect the dots here? (SIGHS) I am so SICK of this Goth-Drama !

Reason.... my life is ruled by reason....



What is your reason for those actions



What is the reason for why you think this way



I think we all know WHY we do things that we do even if sometimes people will not admit it to them selfs. Thinking about these things takes up some amount of my time.... I look over KEY events in my life and often asking myself WHY what was the REASON for this or that.



Resently and X and possably the biggest NEGATIVE contributer to how I see myself and the world contacted me.... to appologize for doing the things she did to me. I never really excepted the appology because no offence to her she would have to actually DO something to make me feel those words ment well.... ANYTHING... words are sadly as I have come to know them as..... JUST WORDS.... you want to impress me actually DO something.



or for that matter.... I wonder what her REASON for contacting me again now?



hmmm....