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Time for one of my once every few weeks cryptic postings.





So shes left apparently. What did I do to stop her? Nothing.... if anything maybe im another reason for her to get the hell out of where I live, and if I am then I sapose if she does better with her self then I can be happy with that.



In the process I found someone else thoe. Its strange I've been sick again and for the past 2 nights no ones been sleeping here.... and I've actually missed her... hmmm maybe thats a good sign me missing someone.



who knows

that time again when somethings bugging me I write



The other night she lay next time me and I dident know where to put my arms. Me so shy so dident wana do anything wrong. She dident call the day after and i was stunned. You know I care about someone when I sit and take the time to write something about it or for that matter talk to someone. That was today durring lunch..... in my friends own cold words you know sometimes people are fucking idiots and they just dont get it. Yeah maybe your right Krys maybe people are fucking idiots. Right now I feel like I've been shot.... the news where I thought I had a second chance at this and man did I ever fucking want it. Its gone shes moving away. Man I wana scream I so do. She doesnt think much of her self I know she doesnt maybe getting out of here she feels like shes getting away from something but I tryed that so many times and you know what i found out the hard way..... that black cloud over you head it travels with you no matter where you go. To me that one night with my arms around her ment more to me then I guess it ment to her. I'm fucking stupid. Stupid for thinking I could make better.... yeah maybe shes going away maybe she'll be happyer. maybe im selfish for thinking it but all I could think about over the past few years was how was she and what I twat I was for acting the way that I did at the time. I fixed myself I cleaned up and I got better.... I've been such an ice queen as of late nothing could effect me.... NOTHING. Now this? Why the hell does this mean so much to me? Why do i feel like I've just been stabbed in the chest? I hate drama I really do.... but man whats the point of making your self better.... all those nights sitting there going should I email.... should I add her to msn and see if she talks? For a moment there I thought I had her back in my life I havent been that happy is so long. I cant say all of it to her i dont wana ruin anything for her if she wants to go then thats great and I hope she makes better of things. But me? I feel like another dream just got crushed. Yes I've been drinking.... the past 2 nights not knowing what she thought after being over here.... she said she wanted to be there... I said I wanted her there to..... maybe I should have told her way?



Now i cant.... maybe some day she'll find this. maybe she'll put 2 and 2 togeather.... I've never missed any one else this much.... when i think of all the things I wanted to do.... I wanted to on my next cheque ask her out for a real dinner something you know importent spiffy expensive dress up even. get her sitting there and then just tell her exactly where my minds been all these years. I dont know any more now. god give ith god takeith away?



How do you tell someone how special they are in your little cold heart with out sounding like an idiot? I was never good at these things.... I wish I was the thing that did it.... like i wanted to be show her the way I wanted to.... they way she should be treated. Out driveing around in the car she was the only person whos sat next to me who when she said she could do this for ever and never wanted to leave.... I swallowed really hard. How I wish that was true.



some people you wana hold in your arms forever.... the sucky part is.... when its not possable... and your heart breaks into a million little peaces.... and cuts your flesh to ash.... i loved you this long... maybe you'll come back and I'll get another chance. maybe you'll read this and get it.



Your more to me then you thought you where.... and no one else I've tryed to be with since has made me feel the same way. I could look into those eyes forever.... and now im scared I'll never see them again.



fuck me for loveing you.... and I do I just cant tell you... i never could.... not even that night I picked you up while my parents where at that party and we stood up by the car and I held you yeah I remember that. I wanted that back...



and more so much more.... I was going to tell you... now I cant.... cuz I dont wana hurt you again. You dont need this right now.



maybe you never needed this... maybe i should realize that.



Tell me some day okie..... tell me what you really felt.... cuz I wish i knew more then anything.