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I really thought about putting this entry off until tomorrow but here we go. this entry is going to be kinda dark, as of late I find myself worn down and out, bone weary and bone tired, my soul is tired. there is constant fighting and drama at my house, I stay stressed and my anxiety has gotten so bad that I'm having anxiety attacks, add that on top of trying to manage my diabetes and my weight. I thought at this point in my life I'd have a good job, maybe a wife and some kids but my life didn't turn out that way. No woman could love a man like me, I'm unlovable and the only woman I want could never love me, for her I've stayed single for 30 years, forsaken all other women with a few exceptions that turned out to be shit, and most people probably see it as crazy and lunacy but i see it as commitment and loyalty, that's just how my heart is, I can't love another woman without feeling like I'm cheating on her. that's one of my problems, And I have high standards, not like I think I'm better than the person I'm dating but I don't just settle for anything. And I've dated other women even thou my heart craves only one woman. I've dated and been in love with other women but they just up and left me or cheated on me, I was never good enough...So I'm unlovable. and I probably wouldn't be a good father with all my problems, I couldn't bring kids into this world and have them inherit my genes, mental problems or my curse. I've done some dark and nasty Shit in my life, I've done things in my life that I can't talk about for the fear of death, I don't fear their death threats but they'll target my family members and I can't have that. I've been a Drug addict, I've sold and muled drugs, I've pimped out women, I've collected money for drug dealers, I've broken bones and put people in the hospital for money, I've been a alcoholic like my dad and his dad before him. I've been physically, mentally, and emotionally abused by family. I was molested by a male P.E coach at the age of 8 years old, tried to kill myself at the age of 10, I watched my best friend get killed right in front of me at the age of 13 and then a week later lost my first girlfriend in a car wreck, at the age of 14 I was raped by a girl twice my age, I've had to fight my whole life and I'm tired of fighting. at the age of 35 I'm fighting bipolar disorder, Major depression, ADHD, psychosis, anxiety, explosive anger disorder, Diabetes type 2, I have arthritis in both hands and knees and my left elbow, I have sciatica in both hips and my lower back, I have lumbar nerve root disorder in both legs, I have a split personality disorder that I'm constantly fighting, there are days that I have uncontrollable crying spells because of grief over my eldest nephews death. and I know that theres people who have it worse than I do, theres people who'll never make to my age but I've been through the ringer and I'm too tired to continue, with counseling twice a week each month, seeing a shrink every 3 months, I'm tired of tryin to express how I feel, I'm tired of looking for love that I'll never find, I'm just worn out. I'll finish this entry here, I had dreams for my life but nothing ever worked out, at one time I wanted to be police officer, I wanted to serve in the military, I wanted to be a pro wrestler, I wanted to be a chef, I wanted to be a writer and write books but never had the money or opportunity to make it happen. I told my counselor that I give myself 4 months, 4 months till my 36th birthday and if I can't make any changes to my life then I'm killing myself, I only got one shot left and the clock is running out. i hope this entry doesn't get my Journal banned on VR, I'm sorry if this entry goes against any guidelines or if I offend anyone on VR. Thanks VR for letting me express myself in these journal entries, this is my last one because I'm done talking. Peace, Love, and Prosper VR

I'll be writing my big journal entry sometime today, I'm just mewing over what I'm going to write. But after I write my journal entry it will unfortunately be my very last because I'll have nothing left to say. I'll hop on every once and awhile to mess with my profile but my time on Vampire Rave has come to a end and the ever annoying Aiden Savage is going back into his coffin for a eternal slumber. Have a great day VR

It's been a long while since I wrote on here, I'll be writing a big Journal entry soon. hope everyone on VR is having a great day, I'm having a decent day but its hot as hell outside where I live. I'll post more soon enough, have a great day VR.