The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

"You weren't not enough.
You were everything...
Then nothing."

Those were among the last words you said to me... It's funny.. I never wanted to be 'everything', but to hear 'nothing'..... words designed to hurt. And they did. Don't get me wrong, I said my share of hurtful things. But I find myself thinking about THOSE particular words...

...I never wanted to be 'everything'. 'Everything' is too high a pedestal to fall from. It is a charged word, like exceptional, extraordinary, beautiful. What happens when the glow fades and you see I'm just me? Because I'm not any of those things, not really. You might think that I am, because we live in a world where cruelty, intolerance and apathy are the norm. I meet you where you're at and accept you for who you are, for no particular reasons beyond that's just who I am. Yet somehow the bare minimum of civility becomes remarkable.

...I never wanted to be everything. We met online and I was delighted with our conversations. I was happy to find a friend that I could be completely candid with. I shared things with a stranger that people who have known me for years have never heard. Perhaps that was my error. But I hate holding things back when I have them in my mind to say. And then you read my mind so easily....and that delighted me too. With that level of connection came darker things. That never bothered me. I find comfort in the dark, and am at home with raw emotion- good or bad. And then you didn't hold back from me, or at least I think you didn't. I told myself I was different from the people who'd let you down before. In my defense, I truly thought I was. Our conversations were still delightful, until they weren't. You got angry...and I got angry...and we fought. I took a step back, not to walk away, but to take a breath. We recovered, we apologized but we never really talked about it. And we were ok....until we weren't.

...I never wanted to be everything... and I knew I wasn't. There were others you talked about, the ones you loved, and I was good with that. They continued to disappoint you, and I despised them for being weak. I despised their weaknesses until it consumed me and made me irritable when you talked about them. I didn't want to be your love, your lover, or even your donor, but I wanted your person or people to be better than THAT. You deserve better than that. But I, of all people, should know better. The heart wants what it wants. But we were ok... until we weren't.
You made an assumption about me, one I corrected, but then you questioned me endlessly about it. You had questions I didn't have answers too. So I took another step back. You thought I was angry but I wasn't. Then you made a comment about not bothering me anymore. I guess that was the straw that broke me, because then I was angry and said unkind things. I got angry... and you got angry... and we fought. I tried to take a step back ...and then I was nothing...

...I never wanted to be everything... but to be nothing? How do I come to terms with that?