The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I've been having a lot of trouble recently... I don't know where to turn so I turn here, to this journal... I know a few select people will read this and understand... I don't know if it is me or if it is everyone else but my problems keep escalating... I wish that it would just stop... Right now I have this song playing over and over and it reminds me of the one that I love... Though I know that they loved me in the past, I don't know if they love me now... I guess that maybe I am just a blind fool who only sees what she wants to see... I know that I screwed up but I don't know how to fix the problem... They have given me few signs of how they feel now and all the signs point in different directions... One minute I feel like I'm not wanted and the next minute they kiss me.... I don't want to let go... I love 'em so much but I don't want to be hurt and I am hurting right now... My world is falling apart... No... Not falling, It is being torn apart... I guess that I may be part of a sick little game but it isn't a game to me... This is real... I don't think that I can take this kind of pain anymore... I know that the one that this is about is here on this site but I doubt that they will ever read it... I've given signs that I still care and that I want things to be okay but so far I haven't gotten anywhere and I'm torn... No... Not torn... Broken.... I am still a child and what I am going through scares me... Hence my name... I have no one to turn to right now and those that I know would be there for me can't be here physically... I need something but what I want I can't have... Do I move on even thought I don't want to...? I am lost and confused...



As if my life couldn't get any worse... I'm crying as I write this, not that anyone would know that by the way that I say things... My words hide my emotions... That's why, when it is offered, I decline voice chat... i don't want my voice to betray what I want people to think... Many would leave if they saw what was behind all the different masks that I wear... Most people can't accept me for who I truly am... I have come to realize that... That is why I wear all these masks... I allow them to live in their perfect little worlds and think that everything is okay... I complain when they expect me to... Even if I really don't want to...



I'm off topic again... What this whole entry was to be about was a friend... I lost a friend on May 7th... While I was off having a good time with friends that I see everyday, I lost a friend that I only see a couple of times a year... This is for her... I know that she wasn't always of sound mind but we loved her none the less... She was 27... She was too young... It wasn't her time... I don't know God's purpose for me right now but I guess that he is going to put me through hell on Earth... I would like to bid Jackie a final farewell here where everyone can see it... Her funeral is tomorrow, May 10th... I will see her one more time before I say goodbye... I just wish to thank Jackie for entering my life and effecting me the way that she did... Thank you Jackie and goodbye...