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BrokenChild



Limbus Patrum (Coven)

Vampire Rave member for 17 years.

Status:  Interloper (47.39)
Rank:  Member
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Affiliation:  Limbus Patrum (Coven)
Account Type:  Regular
Gender:  Female
Birthdate:  Hidden
Age:  Hidden
Location: 

Hiding behind the shards of my broken life




Journal


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Quote:

If I had one wish it would be to have no reason to make one.


2/18/10 Um... It has been so long, once again, since I have been here. So much has changed. I've changed. I hope to do some reformatting here, but that is unlikely at this time.


I am sorry that I have not had the time to be here recently. I would like to thank everyone that has stood by my side for this past few years. I am no longer as proud and arrogant as I once was. I realize that this is neither the time nor the place for that. I am glad that I have slowly found a balance in my life and know that pride and ego are not as important to me as they once were. Forgive me if I do not make sense. I am rather confused right now and am probably not in the right state of mind to be writing this. I do not know when my next visit will be here. I hope that it will be soon, but I do not know. I'm sure that some of you have no idea what I am talking about, but knowledge comes with time, wisdom with age. Until then, we will see what happens.



Why do humans continue to exist in this world? That is something that I have never figured out. With all the pain and agony, how do people manage to go on? I know that there are good times, too, and someone is always worse off than you are, but that doesn't make it any easier. I have given up my (gift as some call it) writing. I am tired of other people claiming things that I have written as their own. I know that it isn't copyrighted or anything, but the people who take it are my friends. So, no more real, true, in depth writing for me. All of that shall remain locked up inside. I've hit a low spot in my life and all the people close to me, physically at least, can't or won't help me. Not that I would really let them without knowing their true intentions. It's sad that you think you know someone for so long and then they go and do things to hurt you, whether intentional or not. What makes it worse, is that you tell them that it hurts and they keep on doing it. I know that this is just complaining, but everyone has that right no matter how good or bad his or her life is. It makes me wonder why I keep going on. The only reason that I can think of is that there are four people who would truly care: My parents and my two closest friends. I guess I keep going for them. But even that is hard to remember at times. Besides, they will someday leave me, so why should I sit around and wait for that pain? Why can't I be selfish and leave first? I suppose because that is the safe way out. Save yourself, right? Well, I guess that I won't be doing that any time soon. I'll just have to wait until the storm has passed to see what waits for me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Tonight, we start the fire. Tonight, we break away"
- Three Days Grace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
suicidesuicidesuicide




Why do I smile? I smile because it hides what is inside me. I wear many masks because I don't want people to see how broken I am and I don't want people to judge me by the broken soul that they see. I am a different person around different people because it gives me a chance to escape my pain. When I am alone, I want to express the same broken cries that I always feel. I want to feel accepted more than anything even though I know that that isn't likely. Few seem to truly understand me, though many say that they know what I am going through. I don't believe that.

I once said this to someone in a conversation and I found that there is more about myself that I didn't know.

"I don't think that you can help me in the way that I need to be helped… I don’t want to dump my problems on you… You may say that I am not, but that doesn’t change the way that I feel… My opinions aren’t easily changed… I try to trust before I learn to care… I’ve been hurt, kid… I know what pain is… I’m not saying that you don’t know… Don’t take that the wrong way… I will talk to you in my own time… I just need to ease into it… I don’t know if I want to know anything… Once I start to get to know you, I will start to understand… And that causes problems… If I know, I care… If I care, I feel… If I feel, I get hurt… If I get hurt, I want to die… You understand… I truly care for four people… My best friend, my twin little sisters, and my lover… I would die if I ever lost them… That is why I don’t want to know you… I would die if you ever left… Do you understand now…?"



Who are we? We were once three of a kind, kindred spirits. But life has caused many changes. We are only two now. We, who were once three, have become divided.

Who were we when we were three? We were those who you do not see often: Together, yet separate. Divided, yet one. We were a group that few ever see as they really are. The first appeared happy-go-lucky, but appearances were deceiving. The second was depressed, but beautiful. The last hid behind masks that few ever saw behind. As time has worn on in the same manner as it had, these three may have been lost forever.

But now, things are different. The first is truly happy and it is no longer a mask. The second is slowly climbing from the depression and retains the beauty. The third, while still shrouded in darkness is beginning to heal and learning to lower the masks.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We know who we are and we're not going to change that."
- Chester, Linkin Park
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Name: Sam
SN:BrokenChild, aka Broken
Birthday: May 26
Who am I? Very few know who I am and even fewer know a lot about me. My friends at school knew some, my lovers knew more. That is the way that it works. I don’t open up to people easily. I am confused and hurting, but learning to deal. Don’t automatically assume that I am one of those people saying, “Oh pity me because I’m depressed.” I’m not looking for help. If it comes along, it comes along. I like reading and writing, and enjoy spending an afternoon doing nothing.

I have learned not to let my heart blind me. A person who was able to help me with things in my life has left because it was too big of a challenge. They were my equal in many things and that is what I was searching for. Four years ago, I thought I found what some call 'The One'. A few days ago, I have finally seen the light. "You are too reserved... and there may be someone else out there: someone better." At least that is the reason I was given. The only one you can truly count on is yourself. This isn't great news for me, because my memory has a tendency to come and go, but, currently, I am the only constant in my life.

The future is not set. Fate may have a twist in store for me yet. I’m still not completely comfortable around most people. I am not sure that I will ever find someone who can understand, and I refuse to delude myself with false hope.

I don't care if you understand how I feel. That is the way that I am. Go ahead and read my journal. Some people like what I have to say and some don't. That is their personal opinion. I will be glad to talk to you if you feel like chatting.


This is my quote. I created it and would appreciate it if you ask before using it.

Quote: “Close the drapes and strip away the many layers of masks that you wear every day to hide you heart. Dim the lights and break apart the shields that you wear to protect your mind. Turn out the lights and lower the impenetrable barrier that protects your soul from the cruel world. Only then will you see the true person that lies beneath all the lies…” – Me


suicide

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes of mind. – William James (1842 – 1910)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


THE ULTIMATE SILENCE
October 12, 1998


Listen to the mustn'ts, child.
Listen to the don'ts.
Listen to the shouldn'ts,
The impossibles, the won'ts.
Listen to the never haves,
Then listen close to me ...
Anything can happen, child.
Anything can be.

~ Shel Silverstein


Ten years ago, Matthew Shepard was murdered for being homosexual.
He was only 21 years old.
He could have been your brother
or son
or nephew
or neighbor.
What will you do to end the silence?

Now that all that fun stuff is over, please leave a note.

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Member Since: Jan 12, 2005
Last Login: Oct 10, 2013
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