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nothing is very simple now. calvin got a new girl so pushing divorce him and his gurl want it they can pay for it. im not. sam doesnt understand whats going on in my head. new hampshire delay til middle of july. getting bed mattress new one stick in jason's dining room. then ill be good on sleep. went to family party uncle tom uncle mikes house had like 15 jello shots some wings deviled eggs cheeseburger. spent time wuth uncle ray watched hotel for dogs today, uncle ray went to pqrty til midnightr last night. happy he enjoyed himself. jasons opinion shared my own but im got nerves jumping cuz i am so unseceure with life. Calvin pushing divorce just annoys me he goes pays for it then ill do it until then hell wait. I got rto wait too for anything adn everything. want to control my emotions and fix my situation. i dont know how or where to start... UGH!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE ME UP SHOW ME THE RIGHT WAY:!!



i am strong, i can walk and run and move adn i will make it out of this situations im in...

So I called my husband the other night. Calvin Jenkins. The man I said IDO too. I cried to him for two hours about how life went downhill when I left him.That night I thought everything would be alright. I would move back in with him and be okay. Secure. But I am not secure. I am not with him. Yestuday we saw eachother for the first time in almost two months. It didnt go well at all. No reconciliation. I hurt him yet again. My emotion are out of control .COurt in two days. Verdict trial. Guilty leads to 6-12 months at the Mass house of corrections and not guilty leads to New Hampshire mve plans June 4th. I hurt my husband. Charles told me he hopes I treat the next guy better than him. I treated him worse. I married him and left him and called him and left him. its done. I hurt him again. I cant heal his pain or the negative emotions I caused him. I told him I fucked two other dudes. I slept with four others. I got no diseases and im not pregnant. If I am it will be a big issue. FOr me. My plans. My life. I will move to NH and have the baby. Send my mom money to be there when I deliver. I am not pregnant. I am clean. I am moving on. My husband deserved none the negative I caused him. He needs and will find a real woman to love him who can control her own emotions. I can not. Not yet. Not today. I gave my mom my cell yesturday and got it back now. Sandra took it took off slept out. I got my $74 check and paid my lunch bill bought a pack boges a bag a $1 scratch-lost, a belt, tampons, $20 court ride gas monday. Nerves Alive. My husband, Jesus is there. He is standing behind me. Not puching me forward or letting me fall back. He is there. He is beside me and inside me. I coincidentally turned to divorce in my Bible, love, forgiveness, learning from the Bible. I used to have studies but my mother's church deceived me and I deceiced Jesus. But he is here now. I am moving on. Jesus help me teach me I need you to guide me, help me to learn to control my emotions. I hurt the gentlemen that fall for me, I am hurt by those I fall for. My destiny is unknown to me but not Jesus Christ. I believe. I do. FOrgive me for everything. I wish to follow you and learn and be true to You and myself. My Husband, I deceived. I hurt him I can not heal anything I hvae done. Jesus can. Calvin forgive me. I may then forgive myself. Joshua my soldier, is now in Afghanistan, he may come back just fine, he may not come back at all. I truly love him. But I may do the same thing to him that I did to everyone else. I love my family. I love calvin. But I am not ready to spend the rest of my life with him, or anyone. Not Now. Calvin, my husband, forgive me. I like living with my cousin Chris. Its cool, peaceful. We survive and get along. He and Jason are like thier father my beloved Uncle Ray in so many ways. I hang at Jason's now because I have anxiety when I am alone. I like it. We watch tv cable animal planet like Uncle Ray does. We bomb and I saw the babies that their parents were young when I was. Nugget was a child now she has 2 children. Courtney has two also. Nugget has two boys, Courtney her older brother two girls. Darnell was stabbed in the face. For a girl. Bullshit. Crazy. I tried to reconcile my husband. Not well. I wouldnt sleep at his house. He was not happy. He said Now forever stay or go. I sadi goodbye and cried. watched tv had noodles and went to the park where I saw an old friend Timmy (not him his mom an d children and niece and nephew who are older. His oldest, Tim Jr birthday Monday hell be 5. Timmy works 5am-1pm and then 9pm-3am friday-sat. His kids are all bond and bright eyes and beautiful. I stayed and played with them. Then Mrs.Rahn And Mr. Rahn gave me a ride to Fest to Jasons where I watched smackdown played with Nuggets sons. Smoked went home went to sleep woke up mommy came we went tracked down sandra and i got my phone abck. Now I journal it all. BYE







JOSHUA BE SAFE OUT THERE

SO BEEN STAYING AT CHRIS' COURT IS MONDAY MUST PAY MY LUNCH BILL FRIDAY AND GAS FOR RIDE TO FALL RIVER. BENJAMIN IS ACTUALLY GETTING ON MY NERVES WITH HIS "business" ME HELPING HIM IN TI FINDING SOMEONE TO TRUST AND TRICK A MEN UGH WITH TRUCKES AND MONEY AND PLAY WITH THIER MINDS AND EMOTIONS. NOT COOL WITH ME. PUTS HIS FRIEND ON PHONE "I'VE HEARD SO M UCH ABOUT YOU" WHAT EVER. HE SAYS HE'S GETTING "LOYALTY TO SAMANTHA" TATTOOED ON HIS NECK. IM GOING TO GET B-$100 TATTOOED AS TRAMP STAMP I SAID ILL "SINGLE" TRAMPSTAMP ON MY WAY DOWN THERE. HE GOT MAD HAHA. IM LONELY. I HAD SEX WITH PUDDY IS JASON'S BATHROOM. WE BOTH ENJOYED IT BOTH SWEATING AND HE CAME IN ME. IM ON PILL AND TESTS JUST ALL CAME BACK NEGATIVE. I DIDNT ORGASM NOT SURPRISED BUT TREASURE HIS KISSING ME AND COMPLIMENTING ME ON MY BODY. JUST STARING AT ME MAKE ME FEEL BEAUTFIUL. I CAN'T SAY WHETHER IT WAS NOTICED OR HE TOLD. IM SURE JASON REALIZED IT BUT DONT KNOW IF IT WAS SPOKEN ABOUT. SB CAME TO CHRIS WAKING US UP THIS MORNING. CHRIS HAD A SEIZURE IN HIS SLEEP AND BIT HIS TONGUE WOKE UP WITH HEADACHE. HE WENT BY NEW ENGLAND AMBULANCE TO HIS DOCTORS APPT TODAY. I HAD NIGHTMARES ALL NIGHT AND ALL MORNING. IT WAS BAD. RUINED MY WHOLE DAY. THEN SB LEFT FOR BAG, LEFT HIS BOGES, CAME BACKK, BOMBED UP, GOT HIS BOGES BACK, I TOOK A SHOWER. I REALIZED YESTURDAY I HAVE A LUMP UNDER MY ARM PIT. NOT GOOD. DOCS AGAIN. COURT MONDAY UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH UGH PUKE NERVES SICK ANXIOUS...OKAY EARTH AIR FIRE WATER MY MEDITATION PHRASE TO CALM COLLECT MYSELF. AT LIBRARY. MY STUFF IS STILL AT JACOB AND ASHLEYS PLACE AND THEIR GAS GOT SHUT OFF HAHA I DIDNT CALL IN, THEY WANTED $590 TURN BACK ON NOTORIZED COPY OF LEASE WHICH IM NOT ON AND LANDLORD DANNI WOULDNT DO IT. THEY WOULDVE BEEN FINE IF THEY HAD LET ME STAY THAT IS THEIR KARMA. IM NERVOUS BUT DONT THINK THEYLL THROW MY PICS AWAY. OR CLOTHES. HOPE NOT. G2G DO MOM'S RESUME...

So Benjamin from Memphis has caught my attention. I am setting appointment for divorce and my court trial is next Monday, hoping its done too. Benjamin may be unhappy with my decision to spend the summer in New Hampshire with my father. But he had to deal with it. Devon, my secret is gone I dumped him when I got really high and argued with ashle. She has got on my last nerve. I changed my number because of her and other reasons too. She kept texting the same shit so I texted her "Lacey stop texting me grow up" I must get my belongings to my mothers but havent gotten chance for Ashle to let me. Jacob and I still talk. I wanted to break in today with no truck to take my bed and tv adn nigt stand and glass painted lil teddy collection, my mother's school haha work $74 a week if work all 10 hours. LONELY DAN COME GET ME for real... BYE comedies, my house supplies i bought and stuff damn she had to leave and i have no vehicle at the time. Would have went through her window. Pissed her off real good then turn off thier gas yeah got to get my belongings first. Anyway. So I am house hopping now. Went from there to uncle rays to chris for now. I want to go stay with Dan in Seekonk, he works now in west warwick cox. Lives in a 5 bedroom hosue by himself. WOW, let me move in with all my stuff from thier hosue. UGH So benjammin keeps me going. He makes me so h appy thinking fantasy. Talk to others when on chat 39 yr old Bill lives in newport middletown border smokes bud in a bowl may be handsome etc UPDATE: Benjamin says we will have a child since we dont have children we will have one together & he is going to get a tattoo on his neck that says loyalty to Samantha when I get down there. He told his mother about me, and I told him his gambling was going to stop. He needs a lady, I can be that lady. My kids are growing up and I went to a family cook out at Aunt Jane's with my older sisters, mom, cousin Cari, and all their kids. I had a couple drinks hit my lil cousin's new 4 foot tall "gator" new green bong. And hit a smaller one was blazed. Cassandra my lil sister owes my cousin money and cousin's friend. Fronting not cool. CAnt think