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I spoke to Michael twice. The first time I didnt tell him anything. Then tonight we spoke, he knows who I am, and he admitted to loving me. I told him of Amy's affair with Wade Poule. He didn't know. I want to see him. Make love to him. Have his child. I am so sick&mental. He asked for my email now I am obsessed waiting. We only hung up minutes ago. Nathan only thinks I want to post he is a sex offender on Facebook, evil plot to black mail him for $50,ooo. That was never mentioned to Michael. He might have laughed or hung up. He guessed who I was and I was shocked. Would he come to me? I dont believe so since his wife probably knows its me now. I said Danny told I didnt do anything wrong. But I never mentioned what he did to me. I am mental. Maybe he'd pay for me to be in a good mental institute where they'd help me. Im sick of pills. I like my therapist but she is not really helping me. Nathan doesn't realize I do not love him, but I LOVE HIS KIDS. Christmas is coming, so is my 26th birthday. Maybe he would send me something. Maybe. I am just mental and opened a door I should have opened. But I did. His wife could break this now before anything else happens. Since she hears his part of our conversation. Both his sons are married in the military and Paul has one baby on the way and Mark has kid(s). I want to see him. I am not pretty though. Not to myself. Maybe not to him. HELP ME IM MENTALLLY ILL.



I spent last night thru 2am in ER for bleeding & discharge. I went into ER for migraine today. They gave me a shot last night of benzo something, today doc gave me two percocets at ER then prescription. I feel fine. I cant sleep now cuz I got take bed meds at 11pm. Then throw him out of bed(Nathan) for his start work 7-11am and I start Tuesday. Calvin goes to court for Haylee Tuesday. Stacey 27 Monday. Im 26 next wednesday. Another Wednesday the 12th. for now I wait for an email from him/Michael. I told him he has haunted my mind for years. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said yes. broken hearted now. Got to wait for him to make the next move. Maybe he will maybe not I must wait...

COMMENTS

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Seshat
04:01 Nov 30 2012

Take a deep breath and try and relax! :)

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I still have him in my head. I have found him, but he has no sex offender charges. His humiliation at the church wasnt enough then, since all the people from there still accept him...MAKES ME CRAZY...I could humiliate him on facebook but I want to set some thing else...I want him to hurt...He was in a horrible accident couple years ago now he him again. I cant trust anyone else enough. Like my therapist has a team of others that know all the clients on that teams info. Relive to let go??? IDK HOW 2 LET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. I WANT TO BREAK STUFF, I WANT TO BURN MYSELF, I WANT TO REMOVE OR RELEASE THESE MEMORIES & HIM BUT IDK HOW...ITS ALL AMY"S FAULT, contacting me with him on her friends list, UGH, then Mrs.Stuebe and Lisa & Laura & IM GOING NUTS INSIDE...



HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL

I tracked the monster & called him blocked from my cell he answered "waters residence< hello?" I had it on mute too. I am losing it, no one has a clue. He is in my head...the past&present, he has had everything I wanted. Coveting>??? maybe but maybe not since what he did. Its just that was then this is now Why it here in my head??? Because I found him on facebook, my friends pages from my past from the church...It makes me sick,sad,crazy. I have so many thoughts...But once he hears me, it will be over...jail for harassment out of state....almost stalking except its not there just by phone. INEEDHELP, I do not feel Jesus with the monster I will not let Jesus intercept cuz it will take it the show the past & I cant face the car but everything else. can anyone help? IM LOSING GRIP hes in my head



Well besides inside we Nathan&I had a great late thanksgiving meal with Uncle Ray. I did a small load laundry. He went to Cumbys, I came in, threw keys out window and they got stuck in the tree with the 2 mops&broom. Broom broke, Nathan climbed the tree branches bottom first few branches. One broke and with it he got everything else out the tree. But he fell out got scraped up and aching, I know I ached falling threw the chair last night. Theres three kitchen chairs all broke I fell thru one last night before walking to ambries sister jens trading mistletoe for nicotine...LOL with no money at all Nathans friend&neighbor Michael bought him newports for me for him going to the store. Weed almost gone. Monster still in my head...

So Nathan was out door with emts by 9am. I cleaned the house & got in shower. Hospital called me & said will release him to me. He has altered state of consciousness, cant be alone, etc. Well we got plates one from janie&stacy, then his mom after 7 from both. He been laying back. We went to library dropped off a movie, then stop&shop for forks, pudding mix and cool whip(&cigarettes) with $20 stop&shop gift card for a turkey. We going to Uncle Rays for a late small thanksgiving. Jordyn at Janie"s for a few days, my angel. I got to see her&Mark & Sandra & Sandra 's friend Kayla. Hadn't seen her in a few years, still short lol but her face matured a lot. They were going ice skating. That skating rank is straight painful memories with my first love, and vampire family from 2004. Anyway. Everything okay now. He relaxing. He needs to take it slow & relax, I said a week, he should be fine by then, I'm scared its a permanent condition for him @ 40 in his bad health. I want to smoke. I was up at 8:30. I read Psalms 145-150, most of thankful and praise to the Lord God. My gar George dont look happy, another week for fish, but he"ll live with his krill til then. My young daughter fighting again,beat up a girl for calling her mom a name. Unfortunately I got to teach her only hit if she hit fist. Avril Sk8er Boi playing now. No word from Sean, but these restricted late night calls, one was from Joe before, fat black guy that smells like poop literally poop, who was going to pay me for riding with him, turned out he wanted more than riding in the car. So we get mistletoe from him but not anymore. Nathan confronted the last restricted call as Joe, he hung up, but no more calls since. Nothing much to say.

My Thanksgiving morning was a nightmare. I woke to Nathan slurring on sleeping with his knees on the floor. My living room was flipped over and the door was unlocked but it was locked beofre I went to sleep at midnight. Nathan had gotten altered state of consciousness. He didnt sleep after he woke up from the anestecia after having being put to sleep with Dr. Hmadeh. (TUESDAY) He ran around, went to my Uncles house. I called my Uncle getting out if bed. I told him and let him hear Nathan slurring trying to wake him up. I went into the living room & started to panic. Uncle said call paramedics I called his our neighbor who came over. Said let him sleep, he sleepwalks did you know that he s off his ativan he sold them to that f**er, so I called ambulance and then my Uncle back.



I feel lightheaded righ tnwo os going bed now.

I have been doing diary cards, not real ones, just my emotions on dates, at times, and where I was at the time. 1st was meeting my cousin Alli, second&third was beeing high. I was at Janies each time I wrote in my cell notes. No word from Sean. Talk to Calvin from time to time. I want to get him a thanksgiving card too to my husband. I got get Christmas cards for people. Our moms, sisters, brothers, my uncle, his dads, some friends etc. Christmas budget looks good. We did a rough draft so we have our kids and my nieces & nephews, lil Maylee too. Haylee if they have her for Christmas. Haylee Ann Jenkins, Calvin's baby girl. money goes before it gets in our hands but we get through. I can live without newports. I get by with rollys. Going get $15 from Aunty & will get mistletoe lol. Our Christmas is going to be nice, tree beautiful, and my new screensaver on my cell is my twins in front of the tree. I can not wait to make his photo album for Christmas just paper pics but an album full none the less. g2g mommy will be callin to meet her soon.

Tomorrow night, the walking dead, he got me timing it too. I wrote Sean Max. I will write again before i mail him. Calvin is coming down. I am happy to get to see him again, alone, so soon. Listening to Seether "Broken" ft. Amy Lee. Now Seether "Rise Above This."

I haven't done Proverbs study in two days. My gar, George's light was on all night. I tried feeding him, he ate one then went to the bottom, like he is tired. I got a load of laundry to do at Uncle Ray's and he said come to dinner, over roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and fresh veggies. Um, ummm. Nathan still asleep. That helps me shower & go to Uncle's without him. I don't want Nathan & Calvin to meet. Because Calvin looks like an angel to me. And Nathan knows I still love him. My therapist agrees with my mom, that we have left a door open with not divorcing. I thought the Lord might want us together because we made vows. But Mommy says "No not now they have a baby together." My therapist says we may be or may not be meant to me and it may be me not the Lord giving me this feeling of our vows. I am happy to have found dbtselfhelp.com a website for people with BPD Borderline Personality Disorder to help them learn Dialective Behavioral Therapy. I know I have needed it for a long time and need to focus on getting through DBT. But I must put more focus in to my Bible studies and school. School on delay due to owing $1.24. SUCKS. He getting up shortly. G2G

Thanksgiving is next week already, 2012 will be over soon. December 21st or 12th of 2012 came the prediction of many that the Lord would take us that believe in Him and His Son Jesus Christ, or the world would be completely destroyed. I don't know. I believe we can not predict Jesus' return, Jesus Himself said "No one knows the day, not the angels in Heaven, but the Father alone." Things at home go up and down, my fits, his fits, we got a warning from landlord assistant that Nathan would get a letter about people living here, but everyone is getting is getting this letter because of complaints reports. I live here with my black girlfriend and we use the laundry room and I prevent others from using the washer & dryer by keeping my clothes in there longer than needed. I have not been once in the laundry room. And I don't recall seeing a black person in this building actually. His official landlady took care of Nathan. Said you will get the letter and I cant be here as often as I am, 24/7, I got to go somewhere else more than I am here. So today I went to Janie's on 10:45 am bus-she called to bomb wit Ant he dont like bombing alone. Ma&Janie went wit Uncle Tom around the world shopping. So after bombing with Ant I couldnt keep my eyes open and went & slept in Memphis bed til like 3-3:30. Woke up& bombed. Then walked home. Put on music videos. All I did last night til 11:30. Woke up once at 6:51 am in cold sweats, had nightmares I dont recall but nightmares. He had nightmares too, that the girl I beat up in his house, I hit her and her jaw fell off, like in the walking dead tv series we watch. I told him it is his own fault he watches the series but we enjoy it. My beloved husband came down with his girl, yeah, Ashlee bought me a coffee too and he dragged her to my Uncle Rays and my moms, must have been awkward for her. I didnt want her around but they have a child together and I left him but we still legally married. He liked the flyer I made him for work. They have court Nov. 27th. I pray they get Haylee back. But they fight ugly. Nathan&I fight ugly too not physically in front of the kids but nasty verbally. I always thought the Lord wanted my husband & I get back together because of our vows. But Mommy says "No they have a baby, no no no." Her opinion. I wait here live here to see where the Lord leads me. Scared, somewhat, until I put all trust inside myself into the Lord Jesus Christ. Like court and cages, I give all to the Lord, I know should I end up back in jail for past crimes I can count on HIM to get me through. No calls from Sean but my cell goes off and I cant put $ on him to call me. I am broke. Shoot I spent too much $ on junk this month. Too much side knick knacks adds up. December is tighter budget with Christmas, kids, him (Nathan), Mommy, Uncle Ray. Always want $ to have drinks & food for New Years. I will be living here. We will spend the holidays 2012 and bring 2013 together. I am going to make him a photo album for Christmas. With pictures of the kids and cat and George our gar, our days out at the mall, his bday cake at Janies, walking with the kids and them being funny and crazy. He will love it, just got to print as many as I can at the library and buy a nice scrapbook so some large pics some mixed on pages and cut apart. He will love it. I know. Lil Sis IDK gave her $25 in a card. Mommy maybe a coat, got to buy myself a coat. Uncle Ray a wild cat calendar and a shirt wildcat tiger too. I need these tats the tiger for him, house cat for mommy that resembles Friskie, black panther on a branch resembles jungle book panther. for myself. My element is fire because I heat up ice water cools me down LOL it would and I am uncontrollable. I am waiting patiently for Breaking Dawn part 2 to come out when I can see it. My beloved husband Calvin gave me a book called Wizardology the book of secerts of merlin and a cloth poster of breaking dawn part 1 with Edward&Bella while getting married, or just after saying I DO. Calvin&I said I DO and I left him, now he has a daughter with someone else. It is my mental issue but Nathan & I made 15 months. A couple splits but together still now. Through everything. I dont belong here. I dont love him. Sean is not much help, fantasies. Jesus Christ is the reality. I must live for HIM, I am HIS, I gave myself to HIM. So Nathan goes back to have his lung black mass looked at again, and I see a colorectal specialist in Pawtucket. Life is crazy. I need my own place but I can not afford one. We havent been physical since black eye&stabbing. Mental health never saw my face, I didnt go there last week. They expected me Tues. for more seroquel but I had spare older ones. Not over a year. I go tomo for meds&therapy. Maybe I should do some lessons online for DBT. Dialective Behavioral Therapy. I need a break and need silence, the 8th floor for a bit. Thanksgiving next Thursday. Sooner better out for holiday. Burning myself will get me upstairs. The burns are healing and scars fading with the $17 mederma scar gel. It works good, and fast. Megan his case manager said they are too booked to find him a case manager who can manage his condition. I can cuss at her but not hit her or threaten her. Got to be careful, she'd have no problem sending me to jail to have Nathan under her thumb. It doesnt matter. He deserves something else. I shouldnt hit him or curse or call him names. Same goes for him though. Only so many saw my black eye and his cut looks like a cat scratch not a butchering. I am sad and lonely. With my loved ones. Speaking of my family. gg2g nosey close

So my eye looks a lot better but the bruise is still on top. I got to go to therapy with it too. He dumped his case manager Megan I didnt like still dont but he dumped her for asking him if he burned up my arms. I only told Tyler about burning myself, everyone else I told I burned myself cooking with hot oil. I got out of Tyler's appt cuz weather conditions. I saw another PO cuz mine was not in and go again in December, we get along up&down. We had sex today and he is getting sick. I may be sick soon too, flu season back but I bought alka seltzer plus cough&cold liquid gels & mucus relief pills. Got em early. We will need throat spray too but thatll be December. I got to pay $100 for my poetry book but dont got it. December is Christmas and kids I will mail my sister a birthday card. He going to buy a blunt now. I believe Sean Max is in seg he hasnt called me and I dont got dough this month for calls so I wrote him, I know he im seg cuz she wanted me to 3way for her to talk to him bout $$$ and she texted me. I dont want to be here, with him at all. But we doing Christmas together this year. Got out tree, tree star he bought a tree necklace for the tree that flickers lights and we got some ornament bulbs. He is a scrub, but so am I. He doesnt realize im ugly thats why were together. He looks good sometimes but I am here with a roof, food, school connection, address etc. Life sucks. Black eye, slashed his arm with the biggest butcher knife in the house (looks like a lil deep cat scratch) Need to do laundry somewhere today. Wearing his camo pjs. I want to be happy, JESUS I NEED YOU, for strength, wisdom, determination, happiness, YOUR LOVE LORD!

school going good getting done.

Uncle Ray has no house heat, he is freezing wearing a hat in his house and he doesnt get cold often. I hope his health doesnt go to hell for no heat when its windy&cold. Skipped church all week, BAD SAMANTHA! I must stay focused on the Lord for HIM to help me and answer my knock.

G2G

We just watched the newest episode of the walking dead. AWESOME NEW EPISODE! So Nathan&I he sold his ativans and flipped out, keeps flippping out. Paydays were ugly days. He gave me a black eye, my first black eye, my eyelid just bruised pinkish and I stabbed him in his hand and called 911, he told them he cut his hand cooking and was going to take an ambulance but changed my mind, ill just walk over. He only needs skin glue and my left arm bruised up< his other hand he wasnt stabbed in I bit into the pinky knuckle. My I got a blackeye and I belong in jail and he said I belong here with him and I dont want to be here but live here. Our daughters know we beat eachother up. And our 11yrold daughter is suspended now for beating a boy up in school, now this was before she knew bout her dad&Is ugly fight but we are not good role models. Had our 17 yr old here with her boyfriend, just hung out had pizza and wingz from diogiorno wings elsewhere better but whos complaining. I see my probation officer wednesday and a colorectal specialist in Pawtucket. Soooo

Another day. Yesturday this all happened, today was he tells michael all of us like I tell my uncle ray. and I dont like it. He wanted Michael to be our marriage counselor. I dont want to be with him and I am already married. Talking to my husband and his girl Haylees mother Ashlee getting along well. G2G

brush my teeth and go to sleep

And my daughter's punishment for suspension for punching a boy in the face brutally is reading the Bible and having to answer tough questions I pulll off biblestudy.com and she chose to read Matthew now im learning it as well...Skipped church. I burned and cut my arms up a little bit more too, my face hurts like my nose and eyes still hurt.

DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIP! I would accept jail for this abuse I give out and fight harder when he got abusive back...He doesnt deserve this maybe he does but not from me. good night VR

ILOVEJESUS ANS NEED HIM NOW MORE&MORE