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so nathan hasnt taken his schitzo meds in two days. he laughs crazy like a mental case alot lately. hanging wit cousin chris lately and his girl sabrina(bree) work work work... halloween party kat ate some suboxins tripped flipped danced and they knew she was high on pills and made a new award for most energy to her I cried. I flipped. right after awards i ripped off my costime left crying...i told a few people she got an award for being high when they knew so upset. my emotions. i won $10 scratch ticket lost the $10 yesturday in the rain when nathan left my job...i broke down...today lost pack newports i bought found it later in jacket pocket sleeve... just want to smoke some weed...got to sell my vics for bud cuz i need to smoke...nate and my own emotions are out of control...I go to an appeal hearing for my own apartment tuesday morning probably on my own to fight for it...fight to survive on my own...no more cigrets,bud, clothes,shoes extra stuff, be lucky to get my dental done in providence to afford it. he giving me a headache yelling to describe a movie idont want to watch...i had sex to loosen our stress and tension then he started laundry...tension, so much inside me...apartment may help me... might...g2g

college delay cuz case manager really keeps up with me...i dont know how to sign up for grants or financial aid and stuff...nathan driving me nuts...whining to my cousin Bree about us...i fight for everything i have...i fought to keep nathan, my security and safety, roof, clothes, everything...i get denied my place he will torture me for as long as im here...taunt me 24/7

got our kids coming and he is never happy...he talking to nathan lil nathan now see when the twins are coming...he lied to her about me being here, me supporting the kids every frigging weekend we have the twins, my chgeck goes to the twins...she treats him like trash and he accepts it...he is in more of a relationship with her than me...she controls him...not with his kids, he dont fight for the kids, i did, my mistake...no apartment im screwed...its a fight...my whole life will be a fight for anything i want...



wishihadweed,wishicouldbehappy rightnow





JOSHUA ILOVEYOU ONLY YOU FOREVER

Back at Nathans. Nice. We fight we get over it. Uncle Ray faked passing out and hand holding with the doctor (pretended couldnt squeeze one hand but could hold a phone) Doc called him on it and he flipped tried to jump off bed and flee the room...ugly...doc called security and ma and i went out side for a min...then came back, wanting to discuss with the doc with what they were going to do with him. I got to the hospital before the ambulance did everyone else showed bout ten min kater...he would be in hallway awhile so we all left and came back. He was discharged, he is going through his year holiday depression. Jason needs to remain living there for uncles life safety. He could have another stroke, cause it himself right now and needs someone there for his life. im worried... doctor could have caused uncle a stroke threatening him with a nursing home...OMG threaten him with that shoul djust kill him yourself...Yersturday was at jenn's whose in PA birthday break and trin home with ambrie, some family drama with boyfriends and events. But ive made my decision to be with Nathan right now... What is the outcome IDONTKNOW...



ILOVEYOU JOSHUA SOO MUCHHH

JUST TRYING TO SURVIVE AND GET BY



work well, switched schedules mon,tues,fri 9-11 fri 11:30 and thurs 9-1 dont know i hated being bored in clerical but one of us couldnt do snackshop anymore took clerical...NO PROBLEM... I love working working there with my everyday customers and music and snackshop...



ONLY NEWS I GOT WOW

HALLOWEEEN WOOHOO

RED RIDING HOOD

Another day...okay ...went to sleep at 5:37am & got up at 10:30 i think... got my ring designed (highschool grad from JMHS) budget in check...minutes, class ring, mass probation...i think im going to save/store all other $$$ to go to GA to see my love, Joshua, my true love...



thats all for now

Feel empty somewhat and lonely...shit dream phase again sucks...i feel like a threat to myself and others...stupid 8th flr doc is an idoit and doesnt care if we go out and kill ourselves or someone else...im ok with nathan at his house... waiting for my own home...another year for my license, got my diploma now apartmernt...i need it for my health sanity and my life period...g2g lkegal services should i be denied again...i need this place, 1st floor one bed rrom in park holm...yes i need it...close to uncle ray...and college adn bus line...and it will be mine with my cats and myself...i know i may take in others that have takenme in...nathan friend michael is taking care of cable and wire hookups cuz nathan changed living room around, came out nice now hooking up television...im chilling on computer music videos and solitaire...



tokyocrisis from experience project CALL ME IMISSYOU (401)301-2148

another day...had a lil bid...moods up and down...nathans do too...im ok now, happy or simply content how id put it...i lie and say iloveyou but its a lie. theres only Joshua...g2g he here with friend...

Nightmares i dont remember just pieces that haunt my head...David from the hospital calle dme at 5:15am and left a voicemail...im with nathan now but i want to have fun...so i told nathan i might sleep at jens house and i lied...not good relationship for me to be lying to him completely scheming to go hang with another man for a night...he may be dangerous like pop from bronx like try to sleep with me or pass me to others to sleep with, try drugging me or something...dangerous scary ppl are liek that... shoudltn judge him by his looks and attitude from the ward we were on together...well docs today hemeroids possibility work off cover next tues joanna swappe dwith me cool...$74 lunch, library, pharmacy, bag back$owe 10 Jenn...g2g early morning for nothing...



JENNIFER I LOVE YOU HIT ME UP AT 401-308-2148

my new #######

so its been awhile...Last Monday afternoon I lft nathan after going to defend my husband calvin from his abusive obeist pregnant girlfriend. Monday I end up with my old next door neighbor chris...turned 40 this monday and from northcarolina, his son stone was friendsa with us and our niece...we were together 5 days then frieday i had 2 grandmal seizures and sunday night admitted myself to the psyciatric ward. now im back with nathan...crazy....feel like im ina dream...met david 46 black criminal drinker gave me his adresss liuves in prov and kissed me on lips when left...my borderline has control over my moods&relationships...Joshua has my heart...