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Just watched the walking dead new episode. Good. Leaves you wanting the next episode. So I asked Nathan how much it would cost for another pair of keys if he said he lost em, he said"who put that it your head, someone put that in your head?" I said "you did when you left me behind a glass door, when you choose to lock me out, no one no you gave me the idea." I pushed away from him then. He said he going to sleep now he is tired, he will be up most of the night when I got to sleep cuz he slept all day. I listening to the music group "casting crowns" beautiful music, the Lord is by my side, im still sad and down but that is the truth. He has no idea how much I do not love him. I told him last night he is the light of my world that keeps me alive, and thats the truth with shelter, food, laundry (clean clothes and blankets and lots of pillows) hot water, shower whenever I want, with soap, razors, shampoo, conditioner deodorant (I buy my own hygiene stuff but the shower is here in his apartment) I even bought the shower head with hose. But that is what I have because of him, but he does not realize he only gives me materialistic belongings he is the reason I lost my materialistic treasures, he does not realize I do not truly in love with him deep inside in my heart I want to be away from him. I want my own place and see the kids he made I love soo much. But I would like to have him out of my life. He told me last night he thought I was watching Carlito's Way and thinking of Sean Max the whole time, cuz Al Pacino the main actor Spanish man like my Sean went to jail got out and found his girl blond chic...What a fool he is to tell me to watch it (I was at Janies) and he watched it here and told me those were his thoughts watching the movie that I was watching it too thinking of Sean Max when I was watching Hocus Pocus with Memphis at the time. What a foolish dude. I call him dude cuz I dont see him as my man though I must show he is to live here basically survive normally. So I wanted to get that out of my chest and shoulders. I want Sean, I just want my own place and to be happy with pets. And no one control nothing but the Lord over my head. He left me outside last night behind the main glass building door and said "are you going to hit me or break anything?(repeat like 7x) until I said no. But I kept asking why would I hit you or break anything? Do you got someone in your place? He said no. But thats why I wanted keys. I do not get keys and its unfortunately about to be winter cold out and I dont want to have to deal with waiting for him in the cold. I am appreciative of my needs met here. We had sex for like 2-3 min today. For him, he's been whining about it. Sex with him is not about me. Its always for him. I was just lucky the two times I got off I had the energy to take time an dget myself off on his thing. G2G he behind me

Helping others helps me inside, the church and believing, and my happy church family. I am grateful for my church and family inside. I am grateful for all my senses and shelter, food, bed, meds, and I am sorry I need more medical assistance and need your guidance to find it. Being Sean's firefly helps me inside too. The money I use I use to talk to him not for him. I can do that by my own choice. I do not want to be here anymore, I want to be free, free to breathe, free to read YOUR WORD, study school, pray without sound around, free to be on my own two feet with YOU only by my side that I must turn too in hard times. Free in the Lord and the Lord Alone. I dont have that. I have freedom to worship, I again am sorry I ask for more. I want to explore, see the world, maybe I can thru YOU to tell others about YOU. Maybe Lord, only THY WILL BE DONE.

AMEN

Sean Max did call last night and I was high and told him everything going on and thru my head. I am listening to hymns, I believe in the Lord, this is all in His Hands, doesn't mean I cant be nervous bout what His Will is. LORD I need strength and endurance thru these trials. I am scared, I am allowed to be, but I am to have no fear but fear the Lord. AMEN. Court in Mass. ten days away from today. Next Wednesday. The Probation Officer in Mass Scott Fitzchero told me the last court date I owe $1325 and if thats correct which I see it is thru what ive paid and victims fund paid that poop then I am alright, it would be paid by January, Feb. latest. But should my lawyers info be what they see as true then I am going to Mass prison. I will survive it, I can handle it, it just sucks, who wants to go to jail, no one. Well maybe loser guys who choose that to be their lives. But not me. I have decided to follow Jesus please guide me thru this. I give it to YOU, still I am scared, scared is inside me, but my fear is not knowing the Lord's Will. That is okay. My fear is in the Lord. He will be by my side no matter where I am no matter where I go. I will know Halloween day. October 27th I volunteered to assist with trick and trunking. My church CrossPoint does this halloween event every year, people decorate their cars and have candy in the trunks we are going to play games. I said how bout the game Jesus says instead of Simon says. I like it, so did the others there. Mommy volunteered too, the gummy bear whipping contest (plates of whipped cream kids put their face in to find a gummy bear and win a prize if their plate they choose has the gummy bear.) Kids get candy no matter what, just a safe halloween treat. I got to be an animal, so I got to put make up on and probably paint my face with cat ears on my forehead, have to make a tail too, I got a green outfit but I dont know any green animals (reptiles-maybe a frog haha got to find something to make me look like a chameleon works) He is asleep, so he wont sleep thru the night but our busy day starts moving at 11am but we will be up before 11am. I got to be up at 8 to call Dr.G my primary doc to get in for my ears and infection under my right breast. I also am searching for a new obgyn, I feel those great obgyns that accept my medical, are only great with pregnant women and giving birth not a young women with infections, diseases, and abnormal abdomenal pain. But another person does the ultrasounds and I believe the obgyn gives me the info she chooses too not what the ultrasound may show. I recall the hospital er telling me I have PID, pelvic inflammatory disease which can cause me to be infertile if not properly treated, and my obgyn said no pid. I cant even trust my doctors or hospital how will I survive and have a healthy future with a child of my own bearing??? Nathan doesnt really care bout anything I say except no sex, and im talking to another male species. Then he listens and fights. Wow. What am I doing, where am I going? I know I got more than others, and less than some too. I am a few years older every day and more and more steps behind. The Lord is the only one who can lift me up. I keep getting up and falling down, Lord I give everything to you. I am hurting, but I believe in YOU. You are the only one who can be my hero. But im hurting, Lord take my pain, wipe my tears, I am here, and I give it all to YOU. I am not lost and alone with YOU but im hurting now Lord, heal me. Amen. I thnak you for al lI have and I ask for more from you. Lord I love You, take it all the good and the bad, happy and sad...Selah.

Mass. Court blew up in my face again today. Sean Max hasnt called today or yesturday. I am sure I am getting locked up Halloween day in Mass. I am sick of Nathan, he tells me move out when I get my night breathing machine (for sleep apnea) and he is at the church dinner Sean Kuiee poop I stabbed is serving food. He is not a man, not a soldier, not a real man. I want a real one but I got to have myself on my own two feet cant expect a man to pick me up, I got to pick myself up and take care myself. Housing first program, I dont meet its criteria, for drug&alcohol rehab history or shelter history. Great. I dont meet that. I cant even afford a shack or hole in the ground right now. Mass PD told me his paperwork says I owe $4000 restitution, which poop got 2200 from Mass victims fund. The man who beat my sister for a year collected money from a abuse victims fund. NICE JUSTICE RIGHT? I need to learn to take care myself. I need my own place to live. It doesnt look like thats anytime soon. I give everything to the Lord. But not giving up cigarettes, pot, cursing makes me not completely humble at HIS feet. SUCKS! Mirror on the wall by Lil Wayne&BrunoMars plays in my ears on headphones at my sister's computer. I only got myself but I dont even know how to take care of myself. Nathan is the only reason I have a comfortable roof, big bed, control of a home that is his own. But my CPAP machine is coming soon just a couple of weeks and I am lost. I have myself but how do I get on my feet? THe PD says $4000 restitution, $1200 probation fees and $150 attorney fee. Unfortunately I have no proof of what Ive paid besides the $370 money orders at home. Babysitting here til like 8pm. Sean Max please call...Im so down. But I give everything to the Lord im still blue though even with Faith, Trust and Hope in HIM.

I got my first college course completed, a B+ 83 and my first exam of my second course passed with 80. HousingFirst is a program for felons to get housing well criteria is shelter history and drug/alcohol abuse. So not passing their criteria. I am going to cancel the Intake appt they made me and do my Bible study with Kit instead. I got be financially able to go off on my own and having a record is not what's keeping me from an apartment. Nightmares last night but not horrible to handle. I prayed a lot of the night for peaceful sleep, peaceful dreams, and didnt get it. I know for the Lord to give me what I ask I must give HIM all of me. No cigarettes, weed, procrastinating in school&church, procrastinating with HIM, morning & evening prayers, Bible studies etc. WOW doesn't seem like much to give up for HIM after all HE has done for me. I'm really selfish to not give up stupid lil things for the Lord God & Christ Jesus. I dont know where im going from here. I know HE will show me when I give HIM everything. Pot is something so small compared to the 39 stripes across HIS back for my sins. How do I say no more and give HIM everything? I'm going to church tonight, we have a children's choir from Uganda Africa singing in our church and I see this as a beautiful and amazing experience for them and their families and our church family. Got time to spare, but not opening my Bible...Lord forgive me.

But I love you and I believe in You and I still sin so how do I persuade others to turn to YOU while I still sin openly? CONFUSION COMES IN, NO NOT RECENTLY, BECAUSE ITS ALL FAITH&HOPE TO KEEP ME BELIEVING...

I had a dream last week, odd funny, that someone, I believe was a child, couldve been my daughter Nathalie, unsure, telling me finish my book. I have not written a book. It is based on a true story, my stpry, with others take part in it, its their life too, in these stpries. A family that believed in I dont know what now, maybe just manipulate younger teens, but maybe not, maybe to make a family, FAMILY, was what we saw each other at first, well I saw family, maybe others thought different. Then enemies in the end, all just full of hate, anger, betrayed by each other. SO much hate and betrayal in the end and we all went out own ways.

Some with kids, some with out kids, some have families now, some have jobs, careers, living their life. We have one death to the family that I knew and he died a soldier, a Sargent, in the US ARMY.

My point was I was being told work on or finish my book I was halfway through it. In reality I am not. In reality it was 8 years ago now. I dont have a great memory, It would be very difficult. But this story is true, most part, and I can only give my story out of this family. There is many others who have their own parts and we can not have all their parts. I will not put in Rex' story. He is the man that died a Soldier, a Sargent, a man, a husband, father, brother, son etc. He deserves to rest in peace. I also need permission from authors of other books to use their words in my book and I havent even been able to track down the book the words came from. It would be a vampyre spiritual story that is true. My first love is in it. Unfortuantely. He is a father now, a man I can not call him but I can say he has his son. He has not changed as a person though. Mean, nasty, liar. Anyway. Many friendships were formed in this household. We all lived together basically in a one bedroom. See this can be confusing but my story takes part in this place & time, others were here before me and left before I came along as well. But when I came along, there were 3 living in the apartment. Then 2 more. Then another and another and another. People came and left. Love&Hate, lies, betrayal, where is the love? I believe the love was all one sided. But I cant speak for anyone else here. So long. So out of control. But my dream spoke of me to finish it. I thought I would drop that in a memory.



OTHER NEWS

I miss my husband, and worry about him a lot now. I wonder about Sean Max. Mom said sure talk to him and they get out and forget all about ya, but im okay with that. Sean may not disappear after release. He might. I am okay with his decision. I feel alone. Like no one understands. Like those I want to listen to me and understand listen for minutes before they're in their own land mines. Memories. Played no mans land by Billy Joel. Listened to this on my way to Jersey a few years ago. Housing is under watch and details going through my case manager and vocational worker. So its being looked at and worked on.

School first college course will be completed by Monday. No more money, pot and one newport left school will be top focus. Got to exercise though its cold. If the MP3 is charged I could walk to therapy need too must be focused and awake in morning so meds and bed now. goodnight VR

So much has gone on and I cant even remember what to write. Nathan & I are up&down. My stomach has been rough. Sean is there on the phone when he calls and I reach his calls. I am tired, but I got to get motivated on my goals. I am in some stomach pain. After church he got mean as usual every Tuesday night after church he throws fights with me. I went to Janies and bombed last night. He waited awake for me and I took my meds and went to bed. I reread John 15-17 cuz our beloved Kit came and said reread it and I did this morning. I am sleepy and did my breakfast morn meds and Bible study. I am aware completely for the Lord to answer my prayers, any, I must give myself completely and humbly to HIM. I worry bout Calvin, my beloved husband who I can not reach at this time for awhile since he turned his cell off and I worry cuz I love him. And so much has gone on in both our lives. I want my own home, place, santuary. Maybe the Lord will give me what I ask when I humble to Him. No smoking, anything(smoke bud&cigarettes is all) give up all things the Lord wants me too. Until then my prayers are repeats and He waits for me. To do what I need too to show HIM I am worthy of HIM to be HIS disciple. I must witness to those around me. I can keep Satan from myself but I must be out there bringing people to Jesus Christ not just protect myself from the opposing team. Church is a beautiful place for my insides and outsides but I must be in and outside the church doing the Lords work. Easier said than done. Its all pretty easy top do its just doing it. Quitting smoking. Motivating myself for school, and work, and HIM CHRIST first. I MUST DO WHAT I MUST DO FOR MY BELOVED LORD TO ANSWER ME! NCCMHC is supposed to be on top of immediate housing for reasons due to my self mutilating cigarette burns on my arms. One night of burning myself has left scars on my physical body for all my physical life on earth. I got special oil that may lighten these scars but they must heal and they get itchy now. I LOVE JESUS CHRIST! I am a human being, with sins still in my life and I will still sin but I must show the Lord is first to me. Maybe it will be a long day. Maybe not. JENNIFER I LOVE YOU I HOPE YOU ARE DOING AWESOME WITH YOUR LIFE AND CAREER! I just activated my new walmart reloadable prepaid mastercard to put $@% on Sean Max phone account to call me. But I must do the process of the inmate connections and I must do that by voice cuz I cant figure it out online yet. LORD I know I must give you my all to receive YOUR ALL. Please help and guide me. AMEN!