The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

So today's Sunday...i work all week this week, probation tomo, getting cable turned on this week too. Got to do Spanish 2...Dre went to Prov he said to watch football game...mom went to bar to watch game with family... I am alone at Middletown library with heavy anxiety...seasons changing does that to me...don't know what to do today, planned on book store but cant steal or I go to jail...UH NOT! Got movies for him and i tonight. got free books too...on line email and book searches and stuff....CONFUSING MYSELF...study study search bye

I went to babysit for janie Sunday with Dre and I purposely left my meds at home so she couldnt trap me there. She did anyway. I didnt sleep well and had two seizures. I had one at Janie's, Dre was left behinmd with memphis. Then I went home and had another seizure. My head is blah blah blank. I cant believe how empty I feel. But it should pass. Yesturday I was in bed all day. Mommy said stay in bed today too. Relax. I am struck empty. I don't like it. Dre said you better not be on them personals online...that was dumb, becasue its not true and he dont trust me. thats ok. We wont be together forever. I wish I could talk to Calvin. He called private and his # I had dont work so I couldnt call him back. SEIZURES, 2, but back to work tomo back to normalcy i hope tomorrow. I get an $80 (almost) check Friday and that's set for mom's birthday. I am getting her a cake, red sox sweater and hat. Got to get her cards too from daughters adn brother and friend for years. YEAH! Got to let her know she's my mommy. But I am sad she out with peter now and not with me cuz im sick. But its alright. I got things to do today. Shop-soap and tp etc. I had fun with Memphis too. He is so good. I was in and out of consciousness when the ambulance came to Janie's, but dont recall the ambulance from mom's house. The house feels funny to me. I want to go stay with unce ray but dre can't so i can't dump him on the outside either. I want to stay with uncle ray i do i do . I am going to stacy's for dinner with mom there's no room for him so he said bring him home a plate. I dont remember anything before janie's-i did all my laundry there which was greaat and he got some clothes, not me. I got to call her for those clothes. If they are my size...G2G Back 2 Work tomo im happy about it...

I love going to work, its an escape to a positive (most of the time) environment. I am blind. No contacts or glasses. Then Dre says I'm not paying you back. I figured. And next month I'm getting the glasses...And he is up to prov almost everyday now without me. Its nice cuz at night we missed each other through the day. I told him I love him. I love the security I receive when he's wrapped warm and tight around me. We sleep under a sheet he refuses to use my pirates o Caribbean blanket cuz it was Calvin's. He is ridiculous when we are cold at night, Mellow is sick. She is real sick. She ate and was OK but runny eyes ans nose and coughing up nothing and heaving her sides in and out, so last night after she ate and i gave her some loving i gave her a crushed vitamin c pill dipped in milk. tried to make it to the back of her throat and she bit through my finger badly. blood and can get infected. I cleaned it with alcohol and wrapped it up but she is no better, gave her another pill this morning. I hope she gets better. Mommy wants to blame me for her not staying in my room. The cats and dog have fleas massive amounts living on them. SO I keep them out. they are yucky. I Love the cats. All of them. I got to apartment hunt again. He hasn't helped with anything. Bringing home bud sometimes isn't helping me with anything except anxiety. Now he wants to have sex. I made him hard a bunch of times now unfortunately the 1st was on my way out the door to work, the other times have been the last few days on my period. It hasn't been a painful period. I got one tampon left and its at home. UGH1 I g2g home after anyway drop off Spanish before heading to petrageous and pharmacy. Got to pick up my birth control. So I am not really satisfied with Dre. I am just hoping he shows he's grown and helps me. I am happy with him wrapped around me. But when hes not then he is gone and i miss him...we been arguing and disagreeing lots less now. But i need his assistance in house stuff (out of tp) out of juice and food he hasn't brought In any extra just dinner At night cuz mother . But uncle done like him either because he don't got a job or make any money and uncle plays love Calvin so does Janie but Janie may not know Calvin pregnant with someone. UHHH...Damn I need my own home with my two cats that's all and a job that can keep my bills paid....DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY!!! Working on Spanish 2 again and





JOSHUA FRALEY ILOVEYOU

WHAT WAS I DOING? My little sister and I stayed home from school that day in 2001 living in Newport RI. I was 15 she was about 9. I honestly didn't know what the twin towers were until they fell down. I turned on the tv and thought it was some old black and white movie playing, til I saw it was on all channels (no cable-only 6,10,12) and stopped and listened to it.

HOW I FELT THEN? CONFUSED! OMG we were bombed only hours ago on film and lost about 5000 lives-our people,just our normal citizens trying to take care of their lives and families just going to work... in the towers alone not including all the planes and the firemen, those assisting after the towers fell.

HOW I FEEL? Its Bush' fault. He did nothing to prevent or stop an attack on US soil. He knew it was coming. He let it happen. Nothing can bring those people back. He took their lives, Bush did, he might as well been driving those planes himself. THAT SOB,his father is an SOB too,

HOW 9/11/01 AFFECTS ME TODAY? My best friend is in overseas and goes back and forth with a wife at home and very strong loving family awaits his safe reuturns over and over again. My Soldier is in Afghanistan now and I can only hope he comes home to marry me. He may not. I read daily news which it tells you about all the road bombs in Afghanistan and everywhere overseas american soldiers dying everydamnday. Its still Bush' fault. Obama can say what he wants, and what he hopes we believe, but this war is not over, all our soldiers in IRAQ come home while the others are in pakistan , kuwait, afghanistan iran etc still fighting and dying.



REST IN PEACE ALL OUR LOVED ONES LOST TO TERRORISM ON SEPT.11,2001...

So much has been left out about him and our relationship. Probably cuz living in Festival Field i never went to the library. So we met in June. I started dating Sam (HA HA I'M Sam too) Sam and I split cuz he is greedy and lies and tried to use my family my people in front of me and I didn't like it. I watched Dre for awhile. I saw how he was with other girls in Fest. One Tara 400LBS not lying tried hitting on him, he was nice to her but she was always drinking outside and she wanted him to drink inside with her on the 4Th of July. The next day we heard stories of her put Tylenol simply sleep in dudes drinks. SCARY, FOR HIM! So after that he never hung with her again. She hates on me now that I have him. Then one night a pretty blond was hitting on him but had an ugly drunk face, she said how ya doing sitting down next to him, he hopped away and said fine. She was like wow hurt my feelings in a sad sarcastic tone. I liked that. So I started hitting o him not that night but the next day and forward. I would mess up his video game and blind him while playing and he reacted by slapping my leg and rubbing my knee in a flirtatious way. We tried having sex in his cousin my boy's bathroom, uncomfortable bad environmental circumstances. The 2ND time in my cousin's bed-it wouldn't go in again, UH??? Confused. Didn't matter. Cousin and his girl caught us. I was yelled at and evicted next day. But he stayed that night. I thought he'd grab shoes and bounce but he stayed by my side. Still is by my side. So we started sleeping[ing at his cousin's my boy's until baby mom said LIE LIE G2G so we left. We went to uncle ray's who denied him to sleep there. We stayed up all night on the pier. At 7am we walked back to uncle rays, i went to sleep from 7-9 woke up showered-grandmal seizure hits, wake up in ER, Uncle and Calvin are there. In and out of consciousness. Wake up Dre there. He crying actual tears says iloveyou, i say i don't love u id be lying if i said it back. Painful couldve been but i was honest and in and out of consciousness still. I had a second grand mal seizure after I signed my discharge papers at like 5pm. so mommy said come home where you are safe and sleep. I went back to mom's still there now. Dre came too. Mom don't like him now. He put in applications all summer and no job still. I don't like it. And Calvin all the sudden heard from Douglas and Chalkstone Avenues in Prov where Dre and I visit people on chalkstone that Dre is a bum and a thief. Calvin has lied and been caught in all his lies before. Calvin also stole a dragon pendant from my treasure box and claims is his good luck charm now. Reminds him of me WEIRDO! I married Calvin because he is nuts, now he is pregnant with some young chick he was having sex with. Dre and I are not a great happy couple at all. He is mean to me, and has to get his way, and not be questioned etc. I asked him do laundry 4bags in hot water with my detergent from uncle rays ALL FREE OF DYE he didn't do that. He took whatever bags he felt like saying its 2 loads of clothes no bedding or sheets or blankets he took. I gave him $15 he said he'd do it all at Tisa's his cousins. Then gets mad at me i asked him to do it. I had him do it cuz i had to go to work. He couldn't do it the way I asked him though. NOPE! I AM A GROWN MAN DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M STUPID. I think he is inconsiderate. I believe I am his possession. Love True pure love is unconditional to no limit and without possession. I am Not his love. He couldnt let me go, he had to act stupis take and throw away $130 contacts just bought, took the $140 I lent him adn my new cell that day. He knows not true love for me. I hope to find a home and leave Dre behind. I dont know if thats really possible though. He is not a nice easy breaker upper one to handle at all. 37yearsold adn pisses me off, and I just shut down so we dotn argue then he gets mad i shut down ,if i tel him the truth bout whats bother ing me he gets mean so either way im a puppet, puppy, possession.



I Love Joshua anyway, my soldier in Afghanistan. Joshua don't know I was married I told him yes then no then never brought it up again.

So payday came and went. We fought and he took my cell, contacts(threw away) and $140 I lent him and now I'm blind for a month. I cried I think more for his arms around me than anything else b but I wanted his arms and my new phone-he broke the old one. Nice Guy. Calvin was in town today at uncles and library where i am and off to Newport ccri (college) asked if he hit me yet and said he heard from Douglas/chalkstone area he a bum and a thief. I know better. He don't lie to me that I'm aware of. I know he don't sleep around (hope not since he don't sleep with me) I don't think I matter. I think he sees me as a possession. He took my sight (blurry eyes for month, waste of $130.00) he rubs on me but that's it. He don't bite me or pull my hair r have sex with me...) What about my needs??? I think his flipping bud is bullshit but i cant be sure until i Don't see any money back you know... Depressed, a little, better than I was. I was in the hospital for a week from 8/26 til 9/01 then he takes my stuff bounces for a day. I went with my last $3 5 to Salas' bar across the street and had 2 long island ice teas one and half buds and was smashed. handed chic my last half beer and went hone puked napped woke up puked stayed up all night nauseous mommy bought me soup and ginger ale the following day and i ate and drank it and felt Lil better. I cleaned the bathroom and my room and did litter boxes and kitchen floor. But I still cried. Calvin is having a child, and unless I go break her neck we will never be together again. I must let him go. He must lose the charm around his neck that he took from my treasure box...Dre wouldn't like reading any of this. But he will not. He should understand these are my views and emotions and thoughts and consider that but he wouldn't, he'd just be angry at it all. Should I stay with him? Should I get my apartment and run? SOMEONE HELP! one moment at a time. NIGHTMARES AGAIN, getting worse and worse from the hospital when they took my bedtime ativan til now even on ativan again 2mg at bed...Got to handle that with doc and case manager. got to get front line and do all laundry today. Fleas got to go, dog bald because of fleas, all cats are miserable too. Don't know what else to say now headache...Hospital uncle and Dre visited and played sorry and chess, mommy bought me a green shirt that says SORRY with one each color game piece on it, I bought a shirt that says WHAT WOULD SCooBY DOO? gave it too Aunty Rhonda her dog is Scooby Doo. Dre attempting bud/movie new burnt DVDs business. His cousin SCO locked up other day and i don't want him locked up for money. I would be fucking sad. One moment at a time............. SAMANTHA

I went into the newport hospital emergency room thursday night and was transferred to the behaviorlal health unit (tower 8-crazy floor) til yesturday morning. It didnt help, came back out to my man's mouth who smashed my phone in to pieces and my mother how i dont do anything for her and her house. So I want to just kill myself. NAUSEAS! BROKE! NO CELL! UGH tears scream down my cheeks at work. From my mom and man calling and saying this aint happenin do this do that...HELP ME I WANT TO KILL MYSELF! I dont know how to release the negativity stirred in me from these actions and past events ...... NO one understands me....tears...



CARMELLA CRIES

COMMENTS

-

---

ladySnowStrixx
20:49 Sep 02 2010

just tell them to shut the hell up , its not worth it, no one is worth being with when all they do is make you feel bad , your working find your own place and move into it alone let them see how it would be if you weren't there.

---

POST COMMENT