The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The other night Nathan thru another fit about Sean Max and we both went for walks. I got in thru Lee and hung with Michael his neighbor til he got home. He told me it disgusts him to look at me and the marks of the burns on my arms were what my soul looked like, just go, he dont want to be with me no more. BLAH I told him make me leave, he told me he would get a restraining order the next time I left and have my mom pick up my belongings. I told him I wasnt leaving. He said he worked for all his stuff and his place no one helped him get where he is, no one took him in when he slept outside under trees or fed him. I cried I am sorry I wasnt there, I was a kid when he went thru that. It was a long nasty verbal fight. Then in the end he says get the budget, ours together. We know we short due to restitution in Mass. My attorney Bill Farias and I have not been able to get on the phone together but we keep calling eachother. JESUS is what I have adn what I need. I believe I am being called to the shelters now to preach the gospel of Jesus. You dont have to go to church and be perfect, no one is perfect, we all sin, we are all snners, even those like myself that believe in Christ still sin and do wrong but as long as we believe and put Jesus first we will be alright. We ask forgiveness for all our sins, even the ones after our acceptance. I spoke to my aunt who said my cousin believes the world wil consist of one world currency and world peace but dont see the antichrist, the evil behind this one man who will lead our country into destruction. We will see him as Saviour but he is to control our world and make the world follow him. Then he will want us to worship him and those that refuse will be executed. This will all come to pass but over slow motion not as fast as I have typed it. I will tell the truth but not force any to believe. My oldest sister asked me how do you know what God you are praying too/ I understand her, I was there while studying Wicca(witchcraft for years to work magic astral projection tarot cards all that but it wasnt working for me) Its all faith, people blieve psychics and tarot and palm readings but not the Bible. The Bible isnt the first religious book written, confusion. I had it then I asked and studied and prayed and opened my heart to the Holy Spirit of God and found FAITH. Anyway. Nathan & I fight ended. That night I spoke to Sean and pretended he was my dad(Jim) and told him the majority of the verbal fight. He said he didnt put his hands on you, no or we wouldnt be talking hed be in hospital or dead an did be heading for MAXIMUM myself. We play lovey dovey even though I dont love him. I do at times but not for eternity. I need Christ to show me my way. I got a sign to go to Providence shelters to live and preach and show its FAITH. Those left behind that didnt hear it or comprehend it have a chance after the rapture. unfortunately they have to be left behind to see the truth and understand it in themselves. But there will be those that take the mark and follow the antichrist, there will be those who die for Christ in his name. Church tonight. I do not know the Bible in and out, I study have a spiritual guide Kit and a Godly man I have in ym life & 75yrs old, married 50&half years. His wife Meme goes to my church but I havent had the pleasure of meeting her. The lord will cross our paths someday. I wait for Sean yes. But I wait in fantasy. Fantasies end. Sis needs computer at her hosue later.

ILOVE CHRIST

PS Schools been going GREAT

Tonight Nathan thru a fit about Sean max again. Told me several times thruout day pack my shit & go. Then dont go. Well I was talking to Uncle Ray whispering on purpose cuz he was whispering in the bedroom (7-8 tonight-fights started around 3-4) he leaves all dressed and says pack your shit & go, dont goto whisper with your boyfriend being sneaky. So I started crying, put about 15 cigarette burns on my lower arms top sides. Then I slam my head on floor a few times, Nathan finds me on floor calls ambulance "could have had seizure" said he was gone bout 20 min. So I just got out of shower after home from ER. Now my mommy came and I tried covering my arms. Then Nathan turns and says to my mom "ma it looks like she got leprosy hahahaha" I said so fucking funny you dont even know what it is, I burned myself up with cigarettes hahaha retard funny now? and started crying cuz mommy's there her bday party tomo bday monday and she had to be up all night with me there and hear nathan&I fighting. Oh he said he was at bathrm door this morn my 8:30am Sean call and said what was u talking bout I heard ya I was at the door listening and I said so what was I saying/ he said tell me what u were saying, I said none ya fuckin business it wasnt bout u or his dick going in me so why do u care? He said I heard ya back&forth then you was having phone sex with him I fucking heard ya. Lauh my ass off, I havent had phone sex since I was 15. Then his dumbass takes his sneakers off in ER, I said your 40yrsold put your sneakers on...We were not yelling but mouthing at him I was. this piece poo there, I said why u here? he said u told ambulance guy u wanted me to go. I said no I asked if u were going, cuz I was sure he wasnt planning on it. Mom sticks up for him with SeanMax situation IDC. He dont care he went home after ma said u cant have your cake & eat it too, I said how do I got my cake and eat it too my cake in jail I aint eating it. He left then. Then I call him I want my phone and Bible bring it back. He said no im in pjs in bed. I said yea just like my Uncle ray had a stroke & u were in bed. He dont care bout no one, not even himself. I missed Seans 8:30pm call, must have went to hospital before that. but then cell on vibrate too. I g2g, get out his hosue go. I told him he cant hurt me. He cant. I told him bcuz I have Jesus Christ in me&be side me. Well I pray for forgiveness for my burns how he my Lord Jesus takes the cross for me and I burn my own flesh. I am sad. I am breaking out all sudden(seasons, stress, pms IDK yet) & to go to my mommys birthday party with burns on my arms, with my oldest sister who screams out everything UGH! And then my sister nieces mother will keep me from girls more&longer if she finds out. He said all night I want go to sleep (wawa baby sounds cant spell it lol) So now I say dont touch me I have leprosy blah blah blah. I told him we could have sex after my rectum healed or cleared out, now two more moths, he does to himself makes it easy to say no when I dont want to have sex with him even tho he gave me those 6 things that one time in 13 months. JESUS HELP ME! Everything flipped again. Nathan would say nothing about Sean if I was having sex with him. No letters from Sean but calls coming in keep me so happy. Bad day, dont know how to tell Sean bout this one. Im ashamed my mommy saw my arms and her party tomorrow and Sean aint going to be happy bout my scars I did to myself past and present, was so good for so long...JESUS FORGIVE ME LORD, YOU DONT DESERVE ME TO TREAT MYSELF I GAVE TO YOU THIS WAY. Only Jesus of course, Nathan, my mom, nurse, and now VR knows. Rest of family, UGH! His nike backpack string thing I emptied on table and put the colored mini tote my sister lent me probably lent me not gave me is on table with all my stuff. I threw away my favorite witch data book and tarot cards away. Its against his will. A lot is but I must follow him. I want to write everything to Sean now but to much. Im afraid tomo im homeless again. I told Nathan too you throw me out you take away my education (internet access school duh) take it. Jesus will give the way to succeed. JEsus Forgive me, heal me. ILOVEYOU LORD! ON TOP TO BOTTOM, GOT TO CLIMB BACK UP, WITH JESUS INSIDE & BESIDE ME ALL THE WAY! ITS ALL IN HIS HANDS!

Church today, about Jesus 2nd coming so I found the movie series A thief in the night 1972 and Nathan &I just watched it. Jesus is coming, And this movie spoke of Matthew 24&25 the same chapters I was looking at in court and with Kit and services today. Amazing. I am ready Lord. Believers look forward to our Lord's return, non-believers are looking forward to death and doom. Amazing. There's no time to change your mind, when he comes will you be left behind?



I Wish We'd All Been Ready



Life was filled with guns and war,

And everyone got trampled on the floor,

I wish we'd all been ready

Children died, the days grew cold,

A piece of bread could buy a bag of gold,

I wish we'd all been ready,

There's no time to change your mind,

The Son has come and you've been left behind.

A man and wife asleep in bed,

She hears a noise and turns her head, he's gone,

I wish we'd all be ready,

Two men walking up a hill,

One disappears and one's left standing still,

I wish we'd all been ready,

There's no time to change your mind,

The Son has come and you've been left behind.

Life was filled with guns and war,

And everyone got trampled on the floor,

I wish we'd all been ready,

Children died, the days grew cold,

A piece of bread could buy a bag of gold,

I wish we'd all been ready,

There's no time to change your mind,

How could you have been so blind,

The Father spoke, the demons dined,

The Son has come and you've been left behind.



Beautiful day, having serious abdominal pain but ER was packed after church and at dinner time. So Advil got me thru church and napping got me thru early evening. Not sleeping at all at night. Dry mouth & eyes from seroquel and up al house of morning. I got call Dr. Rosenthal in AM hoping to get in asap pain.

I walked to work today up&down back roads, some didnt have sidewalks, some sidewalks had dog poo up & down it, it was a great walk with his MP3. It took bout hour, wouldve been shorter if I didnt stop to text my girl Antanika back. I am proud my self for walking. He said you didnt walk back! jerk. Eating better too, no bud, portion control, not lazy got energy. I had a good therapy session too, said nate&I doing alright, have our arguments & next day discuss what argument was about. Its usually about Sean(MAX) on his side, mine is him acting stupid & he aint that stupid, he forgets all doc appts his & mine. I had cardiovascular pulmonary tests today, breathing & come home to smoke. He dont care bout ne1 or nething. I know. I lived here off&on a year. When I got home from tests, he wants to go out for a walk. He never walks to go out at all. walk anywhere. today he does. I went to Dunkin to meet mom on her 1st date with stranger & we got all his info. He walks over to Jerad, my friend, and some his other "friends" I catch up Melissa his the only word "Melissa said why is she answering your phone?" Funny you didnt tell me that when she called. He said "oh oh...yes she did you were right there" She wasnt on speaker but his words back were "mama baby drama ha ha-(lil laughs)" I blew up his spot but Jerad already left. I said he might have went to work, he said "he aint got no job" I said nemore? he said what no, I said yes actually he does unlike you. Dont run your mouth & be two faced I do the hi bye not the OMG I miss you to some one I hate & talk about. Im too mature for that except venting. I called him out on the bus he was a bitch for not taking care of male problems, not having my back. DIrty Sam was hanging at uncles, all the sudden Uncle Ray missing all his cards except buspass & missing food. Then DirtySam calls Uncle & says your fleas gave me infections, at hospital im suing you. I said yo handle that. He wouldnt go to jail just over night station. But I already on a year probation (like August 7th 2013 off) & assault w/deadly weapon pending so I cant do nothing. My man in lock up said he was going to be beat nathans ass for disrespecting me while I was on the phone with him. I need a man. Who has my back and take care of me in all ways, have my back in time of need. He got me shelter bed food washes laundry cooks (I had to explain not to soak dishes overnight bcuz they filthy & stink in morn when he just rinses em) He is real immature & doesnt take care himself or have my back, he wrote me while I was doing a bid-2 weeks in intake plz. He had Dana&Melissa here when I left him before, they were here in minutes. He talks mad crap bout Melissa biological mother of twins but had her living here and she ripped him off, then he says blah blah blah cuz she dont love them kids. Actions speak louder than words. I still argue w/ him to get kids, he should already have them. He been gone over 30 minutes now & I didnt see him walk down the road by post office. He may be at michaels but Idc much nemore bout him & what he does, as long as he dont throw me out or leave me for another, im sex off w/him. one day in over year explosions but he dont deserve to be in me. I want someone I love in me that I love & makes me wild. Im so sad I want kids all the time. I had myself & therapist thinking we working, every time he acts different or withdrawn, I feel he is ready throw me out. I am putting luggage bag on Oct. budget in case I got throw everything in it & head to shelter. Emergency Ready MUST BE! Especially w/ ppl w/mood swings & mental disorders. I wonder where he is & what he is doing. Well I icy hot most my muscles he did my back b4 he left. I took a flexeril too for aches soon to come but in shoulders now. May get sleepy. Noon meds then lay down. Here & okay his lies later. I got to get head of myself. $400 court ($300 incl. m/os already done for aug. & sept. didnt tell him that was added to $400 so its not $500 total) At least in prov shelter I have my freedom but schedules wake up get out get in go to bed times. I would have Calvin. Then I would not get Sean. Im sure he is keeping my letters. Cant prove it, cant deal with it. so sad. no one around me knows. kids cant hold us together. He wont grow&mature @ 40yrs old. My mom wont change at her age either. Im still changing at 26.

FOCUS: JESUS CHRIST, SCHOOL, COURT $, JOB SEARCH, STICK W/DOC APPTS (finding new docs too that may do there jobs or I have to do it my own which could/will cause me serious pain&blood loss.)

BYE 4 NOW

Yesterday was very hard & emotional on me. I got through it as did millions all over our country. Things are only to get worse. I went in to "work" today to find out I dont have a job, but meet with the leader of jobs(TEP) Tyler cuz she is my vocational worker, to help me with things in my life such as work,school, home what I may need and she needs to help me with something its her job. I see her every two weeks now. She put me thru for TEP and said it may be a month or two cuz there is 6 referrals ahead of mine. She said but she knows im a reliable good strong worker that will do what work is available. Cassandra's father, the man that was there 7-9 years of my childhood called me. SHOCKER, again. To say I can go up to New Hampshire after my next court date (Halloween, what luck?) set up visitation with probation here and will see his doctors while up there. UM, pathological liar, so dont fall for anything he says anymore, its a complicated love/hate relationship. He is very ill and gets worse day by day, and I love him too but since I was 11/12 yrs old he has been "dying" 26 now I know he is now its just hard to take in and eat what he gives me. Well Sandra was ready to go up there Saturday and I was sad cuz id miss her and Ive been wanting to go camping and out of state for awhile now, couple years. I wish to visit Maine & see my Aunty Karen I have not seen since I was under 9 years old. She lost her only daughter Linda my cousin to suicide by alcohol over dose. Linda's husband abandoned her for another and she was young & beautiful but emotional pain can make us depressed and act out terribly. Then she was diagnosed with breast cancer, a survivor of it now, but big heart, troubled life...Jim or Dad(dy) is Aunty Karen's brother. I believe the only photo of her I had was in the bin thrown away by Ken. Ken was my mom's old landlord, SOB! So day by day. 9/11/11, 4 days after my twins were born, same year my oldest niece&nephew were born. So they didnt under stand it but I showed my 11yrold daughter a music video HAVE U FORGOTTEN? the planes hitting us and the dire effects on our country. I also explained it to my son. I tried to avoid the world yesterday cuz I was so down&emotional. Well Nathan, lil Nate, mom&I went to our church service last night and it was an amazing teaching. So that helped last night. Today, did things that needed to be done, new EBT card and I waited for ma to get off work, called Uncle Tom to pick us up to go to DHS 4 EBT then shaws. I called Nathan for meats for us and did great job. Mom bought me oil, ground turkey, bread, and our twins an icecream cake for their birthday like she said and I was so happy. I get $28 foodstamps so she saved me like $12 and we were very grateful. So im sure Sandra, Korena, Memphis, Mom will be here for the icecreamcake Saturday we are going to do it and Korenas boyfriend UGH ishmeal. Im mad at nathan for not watching a movie with me tonight, jerk. wonders why he is not gettn laid cant do nothin with me like my man should. Its cool. Thats y I get verbal love from Sean(ACI/MAX) & make love to my husband whenever we can(right now no where to go&make love.) even though Nathan gave me 6 internal explosions for the first time he gave me any in over a year just last week I believe...its why if I had a place to live not in the shelter I would not live here. Unfortunately court Mass restitution has damaged my budget severely and thought had job back and was wrong.CHAOS IN MY HEAD & LIFE! No weed for bout a week and not gone nuts, he has severely hurt my feelings and he is alive no damage to his home either

Watched snow white & the huntsman 2012 tonight with charlize theron & kristen/kirsten stewart Good but the huntsman kissed her in the end but they did not oblige love for one another, she became queen alone an dit ended. Dwarfs there were more than 7 dwarfs with different names and one died SAD...Beautful scenery & special effects with magic&stuff. I got go bed, see doc in am for med swap agreement...

I slept on couch but woke every hour, he didnt sleep again either. I see Dr. thurs. hoping for switch in meds trazedone 2 seroquel for bedtime and klonopin in afternoon instead of ativan or seroquel...Im still not happy with him. He tried to act fine this morning. Rent got to its destination an dcox said theyd probably relieve it today or tomorrow cuz of holiday. We went to church served lunch (lunch for poor&home less) not out regular church but they serve dinner buffets once a month maybe, huge and some delicious. I cannot attend the oneprayer becuz sleep study at hospital tonight. Busy week. Tomo they kick u out at 5:30-6am of hospital and @ 11am our beloved Kit. Tomo night @ 6:30 is church. Wednesday back to work for 11am...So much to do...Staying busy with schedule keep me sane somewhat. I threw asstray last night when he called me a baby. Dont call me names, taunt me its only so long I can control it and I have been doing so well inside.

Another Day, Unfortunately tomorrow is another year 11 years since our country was attacked and bombed by Iraq. And it is still a day we must live our daily lives but still mourn for our country our loved ones lives lost that day and since then with our beloved soldiers lives. I can not say this war was for nothing, Bush set it up but these men&women fight for our country as ordered and they do just that. We were bombed and attacked we must fight back. TOBY KEITH SONG COURTESY OF THE RED WHITE AND BLUE

So I came home tonight to being screamed at the money orders for rent and cox cable were not received yet (not cox) and I told him I am sleeping on couch & leaving. I'm going to stay on couch until he makes me move out. the twins biological mother called them here Friday for their birthday supposedly and I didn't flip or nothing. She was polite and so was I. She wanted him or his house and she realized when she called house was taken by me. I'm going to go to jail as of Halloween day bcuz his cox never got to the billing center so Im going to give him the money and rent (don't kno if was received yet) so that's lil over $400 (cuz "I stole it and im taking everything he worked so hard for" stole his meds, chain from his bff gave him b4 he died in NY bills and money order receipts) but I filled them out in front of him he said he didnt see them filled out LIAR and he mailed them out. I know he is keeping all Sean letters from me ASS those letters give me happiness lil inside make me positive mood but here after church I went to my sister's Janie's to see my pumpkin and had an okay day. then come home tonight to this...i have not stolen from him, a hairbrush months ago lol, but this is too much for me, living here with him, I'm going back to work Wednesday HAPPY BOUT THAT! Going to all church services I can to learn and be in a loving positive atmosphere. A few groups are for me alone not him young people (22-35) mid week service his excuse "KIDS" and women's ministry opening services as well...I truly bless our pastor in Jesus' name, he is an amazing loving God loving Jesus believing man. Yes we all know no one is perfect. I am far from perfect, far from peace inside right now but feeling Jesus with me & in me gives me peace. I gave those kids all the love I could and still will should our oldest stay in touch and bring them out to see me. This is an easy decision to leave him but shelter is where my fault is. I'm bared from this one and girl I beat up lives there, so I'd have go to Providence and my husband lives in one there, I just want my own sanctuary. not much luck there...I figure should the Lord's Will be for me to go to Mass jail then it will happen but I can pay as much as possible Oct.31st to stay out. Nathan's bull crap should the money orders go thru im still leaving where? idk ill survive...

The fighting is on and off. He is never going to change, this situation will never change. I must leave. I believe the Lord wants me with my husband becuz we made vows to God. And I broke them & so did he, he had a child. I have been a bad wife. I can be evil to those im close with. I wait for Sean now to see what happens. Sad. Unhappy. I G2 LEAVE here asap

Kids went to Prov.Place Mall with my nephew him and our 17yrold daughter came. It was great. Nathan got to see his sister he hasnt seen in 12 years. It was awesome. Kids loved stuffed animals(I got some too lol) Those the other scooby stuffy and the only hello kitty stuffy(their big) going to send to my nieces. Not good with him. Amazing Bible study with Kit today in John. Jesus is the Word in Genesis and John...Word stands for Jesus and John stands for an eagle. Powerful reading. Im not happy here. It just became completely obvious shell never give him the kids. She wouldnt let us take Nathalie to school her first day and her school is one block away. I cried. I got to go. I love theses kids but I must make myself happy first through my Lord&Saviour Jesus Christ.

I look to you Lord for guidance I love and know you exist beside and inside me.