The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Today the plan was to go to some friends house and have a barbeque with loads of people and their kids, but now my dumbass bipolar has desided that Im deeply depressed, apathetic and angry at people so Im gonna stay home so I won't ruin it for everyone, inside, under my blanket while all my friends have all the fun together with boardgames, beer, great food and music. The worst part is this fucking day was my idea, I put the whole thing together and I won't even get to enjoy it with them. Hopefully they'll have a great day together and it won't be soured by me not being there with my crappy fucking bipolar dumbass head.

Yes Im writing this in anger to vent some of the frustrasion

COMMENTS

-

---

Angelus
00:56 Apr 30 2013

writing helps me... same reason, tho i still call it manic depression...

---

POST COMMENT

All of a sudden I find that with my new relasionship there are these two creatures that depend on me. Not that I didn't know he had kids lol it also was no surprize that this would make this relasionship different than the others Ive been in. I just am amazed and sometimes it scares the hell out of me to think of these two little girls, they now need me, love me, depend on me and miss me when Im not there, and this feels very scary sometimes. I mean, I am now a part of their lives, their everyday lives and they expect me to be part of it, want me to be a part of it. Him too, he also scares me silly, he dotes on me, cuddles me, misses me and treats me better than anyone Ive ever known has treated me, this is all so fantastic! - and that makes it scary, I keep waiting for it all to blow up in my face. But no, his mom loves me, his ex wife and her new hubby love me, the kids have accepted me without any trouble, they dont argue with me, what I say goes without a fight. My friends and family love him, and the mom fell inlove with the kids when she met them even though she had objections to me dating a man with children..



No one probably even reads these so Im just venting out my fears, cuz when im scared I tend to run, for now Im hanging in there because I think I love him, and I adore the little ones! Today we went for a walk and the youngest grabbed my hand, her little warm hand in mine just melted my heart, and last night the oldest sat on my lap for like 2 hours and we were goofing around and cuddling and I absolutely loved it! I mean, yeah- sometimes they are a pain in the ASS, but what kids aren't from time to time? lol They have scream fights like all other kids sometimes do, but I think Im getting the hang of this. Being kinda like a "spare" mom lol.. So I dont know why Im so scared, I guess its cuz if things dont work out Ill hurt them aswell as him. Its all so serious and he wants me there all the time, and I wanna be there too, I mean I practically live there. Its just scary, being needed. Ive never been needed before, or loved like this, for the most part its been me against the world regardless if Im in a relasionship or not, now all of a sudden THREE people need me around!



I shouldn't have a thing to complain about, and Im not really complaining, Im just hoping I can.. not fuck this up with my fears.. fears of being loved, being left, of loving.. of not being enough, of being fooled, of being hurt again.



Ive got no job, no money and nowhere to go, - so atleast I cant run lol! And I really think I love him *smiles* Atleast we're headed that way, and I think he loves me too. I Know the kids love me and I LOVE IT! Hell I saw them just a few hours ago before their mom came and picked them up for her week with them and I miss them! Specially when its all quiet around me lol. I never thought I could be in a relasionship with kids that big that weren't my own.

Im talking in circles now, soo many thoughts lol.



Goodnight to whoever reads this *hugs*