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not sure I can do this long distance thing for so many months.. how do people do it!?! its so hard, every day without him, every night.. so lonley and msn? CAMS? I hate it! its ridiculous.. but I dont want anyone else than him, so I guess I have to wait, what I dont understand is what keeps him there? it was supposed to be our adventure, its over for me.. now where is he? I followed him to Scotland, to Malta.. now its HIS turn. its his turn now... roll the dice just one more time for me

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Angelus
15:15 Dec 23 2010

may it roll a six, for you

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Things are FINALLY starting to go alittle better here at home, the most unlikely "person" is pulling me through it. My little Hero Aron. I babysit my brothers dog Aron every day since Im unemployed he doesn't have to sit in an empty apartment all day everyday. We've developed a special kind of bond over the past few weeks, he dances with me, cries with me and his big brown eyes stare at me when I talk, while he tilts his head trying to understand me. every morning at 7am when my brother drops him off, he jumps into my bed and snooze with me till we get up, then we go out into the yard and play for a while and back inside to start our day.

I have to say he does brighten my day and force me out of my shell. Since with him here I have to go outside, I arrange playdates for him with his "girlfriend" an 8month old Berner sennen named Isma. I play with him all day, and he plays with me. Today we've been fighting eachother, being like kids lol. He growls and pounces and I chase him through the entire house, then we dance. He hates it when I dance, should I take a hint??



Tomorrow he'll have to spend a few hours alone while Im in therapy, but Im bringing Isma home with me so Im sure Ill be forgiven!



Pic of Aron as a puppy in my portfolio! now he's three years old, but still has the biggest ears on a dog Ive ever seen, lol. My little piece of sunshine in tough times. He didn't even remember me when I came home, that stung alot, but I think Im growing on him lmao.



time for bed, therapy in the morning. See ya'll after a new beginning on life !

according to an introductory session I had with my TFT therapist the reason I hate people so much is because I have built walls so high around myself that no one can get in. I must have started doing this early on cuz I have had social problems since I was a young child.. I would prefer to be alone with my books, Ive always figured my books and my music my only true friends, and to this day they are. Ill rather get drunk with my music than my friends, some people say that means I have a problem with alcohol, but some people dont know me. I get drunk once a week. Once a week I sit down and have a few beers and listen to my music and I go to a different place for a few hours, and thats how I get through a new week. tell me how thats different from going out with friends to unwind, or for some people get high?

Im not addicted to alocol, I can go for months and months without, but now that things are hard, I need to unwind, and going out with "friends" who think Im weird cuz I used to be on meds, and treat me different cuz I dont say much, it doesn't give me anything, it makes me feel like more of a freak than I have to all week. Id rather just do MY own thing. and it works, one of those nights and I am good for another week...

3 weeks home today, things are no better. still unable to hang out with my "friends" still feel sick whenever I have to spend time with my family.. my brother avoids me, he won't look me in the eye anymore and our relasionship is strained. We used to be able to talk about anything, he used to be my big brother, now he won't even try to understand or listen, it hurts more than I can say... But I suppose I dont need either of them. Would just be nice to have ONE person in this country come up and ask me about Malta or scotland, its like they pretend I haven't been away at all. they dont want to hear about the friends I made, the people I met and the things Ive seen. So I dont tell them anything, I won't force anyone to listen, Ill keep my memories in a safe place and look at them when I feel blue. I sometimes wish I never left malta and came back here, but *sighs* I couldn't work in Igaming, and that means no work at all in malta because of their stupid laws against foreigners, THATS why I moved home!

It feels like I dream now that Ive been here a few weeks. the last two years feels like a warm dream, my bf, everything doesn't seem real. since no one speaks of it, its like it never happened to them. But hey, this is why I moved away, nothing I ever say matters here, and Im a nobody, Im treated like the fat, smelly, dorky friend that thinks she's cool. I wish I could leave but Im out of places to go, I have nowhere to run, and being here is sucking me dry! what little I have left over I use to get myself through every goddamn day in this place and I hardly even have enough for that. I have always loved christmas, now I dread it. I dont want to celebrate christmas here, or at all, but of course voicing this would mean MORE fights, so I fake it...



PS: I am open for kidnapping.. anyone? =P Im not worth alot of money but atleast I used to be a fun person

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draclavladmere
16:06 Dec 19 2010

ha that is ture i was told that to about me i have a big wall up round me i jest dont get a longe with a lot of people

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Well here we are, another saturday has announced its approach, Im going out with my hairdresser and my cousin, sure they're both over 45 but they are awesome gals :D I had to upgrade my drinking buddies since while Ive been overseas all my friends are now either pregnant or they have babies =P Im in no rush to have babies or anything. hell not even sure I ever want kids, I always figured Id dedicate my life to my art, and of course my wonderful boyfriend Anders. But Im sure my female genes will eventually kick in and yearn for babies lmao. luckily Im with a wonderful mature man who's good with kids, he should be he's got so many nephews and nieces lol. Im just glad all my friends and family accept him, makes things easier, his family isn't that easy, they have some trouble with the whole age difference thing *sighs* but I guess they'll either come along or I'll keep pretending not to notice his mom's glaring, not like I can help the fact that we're not the same age, didn't exactly PLAN to fall for him. bitch lmao! Im sure they'll come along, my family couldn't care less cuz they can see how happy we are together ^^, I know Ive never been happier than since I met him. and I miss him so much, cant wait till spring when we can live toghether once again :D



thats it for now. toodles

I have been thinking, I now have a working webcam, although I am hesitant about using the cam feature on here since I have gained some weight lol =P yes vanity is MY name lol! I have always prided myself on being cute and now I dont feel very cute and I dont want people to see lol, also Im kinda shy.. bah! guess that settles the whole cam thing, untill I grow some balls lmao!

I am at a very insecure place right now, since without my bf here I am once again on my own. Guess I have been spoiled rotten since I moved in with him! haha, nothing wrong with that I guess, except now I have completely lost my footing! =P

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draclavladmere
19:38 Dec 16 2010

ha ur going to do ok cola ur boyfriend will be there soon

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MyArmyLife
20:09 Dec 16 2010

Don't worry about it. The meds they put me on made me gain 50 lbs. People told me I was still hotter than hell so even though I don't see it I still feel pretty good about myself. :) I've lost 20 lbs since being off the meds so I'm back down to 170 and I'm losing at least a pound a day. ^_^ If you don't like your image, do something about it. But don't be shy. You're a woman. Be proud of that. Hold your head up high.

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Been home for over a week now, lost my apetite, cant sleep, no one to talk to- that will listen anyways. and when I do try to talk, they shush me or ignore me till I stop talking, then they go on sharing gossip and bad mouthing eachother.. My mother makes me feel sick, everything about here sickens me. She's everything I dont want to be. she badmouths all her friends to me, has done so for all my life, and thus rendering me incapable of having any kind of lasting social relasionships, because she has taught me to only see the bad in people. Its a struggle every time I talk to someone to see the good in them. She also makes me feel like shit every time I start to gather my confidence. She'll tell me Im too loud, I talk to much, Im bothering people, she makes up stories to "prove" her points, and if I dont believe her she will fysically shut me up. When I dress up and feel good, she will tell me that it seems that I have gained some weight recently, or plain out that Im fat...

My father is weak, over the years he's been with her he has lost his voice completely, and only when he's drunk and we are alone can we have any kind of rewarding relasionship, but those nights are rare and far apart..

Over the last 10 years I have become broken, I can no longer see anything good in myself, or others,- except my mr. he is my light. I can no longer get drunk with people around because I cannot relax with anyone around me, I dont laugh or make jokes or talk to anyone, I sit there and listen untill its over and I speak only when spoken to. I used to be the life of the party *sighs* a few months ago I got anxiety about everything around me, I couldn't leave the apartment, I couldn't stay at home alone so I had to be drugged to sleep and had to take pills for the anxiety that just made it worse..

Now that I have completely lost my capacity of being social and happy I feel very lost, no matter what I do alone or otherwise Im, I gues apathetic is as good a word as any. I feel trapped in my life and theres not a thing I can do about it. Im waiting to get therapy, but the list gets longer each time I ask, unless I actually try to kill myself Im not any kind of priority to them, and Im not there yet.

The only person I can talk to is on the other side of europe and is bad shape as me, so in no condition to help me.. so its just me keeping it all bottled up inside and doing my best not to cry myself to sleep every night, and to not start swiping my dad's sleeping pills. My "wonderful" parents tell my my sleeping disorders are my own fault because I dont go to bed early, the fact they seem to be missing is that I get up at 7 every morning when my brother drops off his dog that is also uncapable of being alone. the last 3 weeks I have gotten 1-4 hours of sleep every night, all I want to do is get really really drunk one night, just to unwind, listen to my music and try to hit my reset button, BUT if I do that they will call me an alcoholic and we'd be at eachothers throughts even more than we currently are. I am a passive person, and Im too depressed to get fired up with them so our fights consists of them yelling at me and telling me what a horrible person I am, and me taking it, and believing most of it..



How do I find energy to on in this fucking shit?`Im so tired

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Angelus
23:27 Dec 13 2010

**scratches head**



am on the other side of Europe

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MyArmyLife
05:12 Dec 14 2010

Leave. If it's getting that bad then leave. A lot of people will say that you're running from your problems if you do that but a lot of times it helps settle everything out and makes it better. If you can't fix a situation then it's okay to leave and it's not technically considered running. It's saving your own skin and sanity.

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draclavladmere
22:20 Dec 14 2010

ya jest talke to ur boyfriend and friends

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well here I am, back in Norway. Its strange, I haden't even been here an hour before I was reminded why I desided to first leave my town, then my country.. Me and my family are back at it as usual, making me even more depressed. They never listen and most times I wonder why they wanted me home in the first place. They treat me like a small child, even though I have lived through things that would most likely break them into pieces.

Therapy starts up again the 21st, I cant wait, maybe she can make me stop hating them so much, and hating life so much. Im so fucking tired of being miserable and fighting every goddamn day just to get through the whole day without crying. Im tired of the thought of suicide creeping in on me every now and again. After I had therapy last time, I got to see how life CAN be, but it slipped away.. this time Im gonna stay in therapy till it sticks like superglue! when it went away it made me more miserable than ever...

and when the effects of last time where still strong, I had more inspiration and ideas to paint than ever before! I want it back. If the effects wear off now too I dont know what Ill do. Ive tried everything now, the pills, shrinks, three kinds of therapy.. I want my life back, permanently.



This has been a depressing personal note, for more, stay tuned to the loony bin