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Friday has come atlast! Im at home with my folks, right now Im babysitting on the thunderpuppy called Aron Lier, look him up on facebook, seriously he's on there, not sure why lol

As soon as mom gets home Im gonna take a roadtrip into sweeden to buy some wine, tobacco, soda's and whatever else catches my fancy while Im there lol THEN tonight Im going solo drinking at the pub, as usual when Im home. Gotta love fridays *sighs happily*



Last night me and mom went shopping and it was very fun, we got to talk and stuff, I feel like we're finally developing a nurturing relasionship that doesn't always end up in shouting matches lol ^^,

Well I dont really have anything to write about, just not looking forward to the hour and a half drive to sweeden. Wish the border was an hour closer lol! But hey, as a smugling pirate, who am I to complain anyways? lol! It'll just feel great to come back home and sit down with moms homemade pizza, a bottle of wine, good music and relax. At this moment, life feels pretty good.



Have a great weekend whoever reads this! :-)

Sometimes life sucks, we all know this to be true. Sometimes it just feels like the whole universe is trying to bum us out, piss us off or break us into tiny unrecognizable pieces og misery. For me, this happens alot. Could be anything from every other week, to every other month, but no more than that. And now I am down once again, it started as a longing to utter the words I love you, or atleast have someone to feel that way about, and now its ended in a major depression. Dont get me wrong, Im not writing this long sap thing about how sorry I feel for myself for being single. Im just saying that lonelyness was what got it going, its like a snowball slowly gaining more snow and more momentum untill finally it crashes into something. Tonight my snowball smacked me over the head and brought me down. No reason, no major thing happened. I knew it would be soon so Ive been painting like crazy to stave it off, but you cant fight these things, atleast I cant. This got me thinking, this thing thats wrong in my head is genetic, are these episodes things Id want my children to go through, all through their lives they'll never know if they'll be happy one week to the next, they'll have troubles keeping a thought in their head and trouble remembering what they say or what others say to them, and thinking hard on problems will make them feel dizzy. Im used to it and even I hate it. When people say "I was so touched when you said this and that." I dont know what to respond.. and in fights Im hopeless because those angry at me actually remember the things I said that made them angry, I dont... school is hard. Everyone says that I am an A student if I would just apply myself more.. I cant! I do my papers as best I can, and I try to read through them after to see whats missing, but then I just get dizzy and hand them in and get B's and C's, unless its on a topic I actually know from before.. then its easier..

I worry about my future.. I wanna become a teacher or work with teenagers in trouble, but to do that I need a bachelor degree in something, thats alot of work and I cant focus my head to it.. it just feels like fog, trying to see through fog or hear through cotton, some things get through but not all of it..

So sometimes life sucks, it really really does. Im doing as best I can and now Im depressed for no reason whatsoever, I have great friends, a family that loves me and recently told me how proud they are of me, they've never said that to me before so that was kinda big for me, I got a brother that looks out for me, and every other week I meet someone fun, a new friend, or I get to know the people around me better and we get closer. And I am depressed, because of a dumbass chemical in my brain that goes haywire, it tells me I am sad, I should lay down and die, I am unseless etc. who knows, tomorrow I may be insanely happy, but most likely this thing will last a few weeks and Ill bounce back. Guess thats what good about knowing somethings wrong, I know Im not some ungratefull bitch complaining my ass off about minor things, my head just makes those minor things major a few weeks every year, and a few weeks every year I get to wish I was dead, and BE that ungrateful bitch thinking if only I lived THERE or if only I wasn't single, or if only my friends would just... and then it passes and I can see and hear again. The dizziness is always there, but atleast most of the year I am overly exited about silly things like a cat on the busstop or a kind gesture from a stranger...

No one knows I have a diagnose, not even my parents. They all just think Im a weirdo, well I am a weirdo, but mostly thats not my fault, my brain just got messed in the wireing process, got it from my mom, all though she was never diagnosed, Ive just watched here over the years, she's like me. Wich makes her shortcommings pale in light of all her accomplishments. She's my hero. She always has been.



If Im not online for a few weeks, dont worry, Im not gonna run off and kill myself. I just like to be alone when Im hurting.

Take care everyone, and take care of your loved ones, specially when it seems they dont need it. People always need love :-)