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When do things ever get easier? these days it feels like life works against me. therapy is going great, but now my lovelife is going to shit. And all I want to do is dump his sorry ass, but what if thats wrong too? so I suffer through it, spend every day hurting, and being angry and honestly Im exhausted. when is it ok to just call it quits? cuz Im always giving up on things, but Im so tired of being taken for granted or just simply ignored. I feel like I talk and yell untill Im blue in the face, and nothing ever changes with him.. but still..

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ColaDvergen
13:41 Jun 01 2011

About fucking time you dumped his ass ^^, yay me!

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Yet another therapy fail, this time I got a two day "high" out of it atleast, but today Ive crashed and can't even remember what or why I was so happy about yesterday. Im back to being gloomy and depressed and self destructive. NO I do not cut, drug or hurt myself, only mentally..

Im so incredibly tired of all of this. What kind of future does someone like me have? Im always miserable, semi-suicidal, I have anxieties that even my therapist think are weird and Im too tired to keep on fighting. nothing helps. If there are anyone reading this with things that might help, do write me a comment or a message, and if you say get high I will block you from my page.

Im starting to feel like: pills or suicide. I mean, what kind of life will I lead? Ive alreaddy been like this for 10 years.. I will NOT go on being like this, Id rather be in a coma or dead. this is intolerable and unnescesairy. guess some people are just born unhappy, well NO MORE. I will fix it or destroy it! if this can't be fixed Ill give the "happy pills" a go and when that fails Im signing out, and no this isn't a cry for help, this is the sound of a broken person on the edge and exhausted. Im tired of feeling like this and when proffesionals cant help me, then who can? Ive alreaddy written out the notes Ill leave behind in my head so many times it doesn't even make me cry anymore. I just feel so empty and apathetic, Im not even looking for a quick fix, just something that will help... I dont even understand why I feel like this, neither does my therapist, we keep digging and digging in my memories and we can't find shit. I haven't been molested, raped or abused, just mentally.. but why this emptyness? why am I always miserable and sad? what kind of life can a person like me hope to achieve when Im usually using all my energy on just getting through my days.. how can I become a mother, a wife a good friend, when I can't even get a connection with another person? I faced facts years ago that I will end up in an institusion, who thought 13 year old me would be right about something?



I just want a life. I want to live for once, while Im still young.. Ive alreaddy pissed away my teen years, and now Im pissing away my youth aswell. fuck all of it, who the hell cares right? Im probbaly just a winy bith who's had a bad day right? and no, it should have been a really really good day, but do I feel happy? nope. I feel depressed and lonely no matter what the fuck I do. FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT; HORE HELVETTE I FITTESKUMMET. that was a rant. now I am going to bed, even though nightmares keep me from even getting a good nights sleep.



yours truly, rambling -T-

well here we are again, been home for over a month now and things are slowly getting better. still uncapable of eating around mom, but I dont think that will get better any time soon..

Therapy is going.. well its going anyways *sighs* I feel mostly empty, but hey atleast Im not horribly depressed anymore, Im not anything really.. Been applying to jobs, this is going as expected, at this rate Ill be unemployed untill I have children :P Im supposed to start school again this fall but I fail to see the point. even if I do get that education the odds are I most likely won't find work even then. so why not just accept and get a job at the grocery store or something? according to people I have a very dark way of viewing the world, but does that make me wrong? I have been miserable for most of my life, and being unemployed does not help my cause.. neither aparently, does therapy *sighs* this was supposed to be it, get my life back etc, but it doesn't seem to be working out, guess Im doomed to be an eternal drug addict on what norwegian doctors call "the happy pill" as if that solves anything at all. why not just give me crack: this will solve all your problems, but yes you will be addicted to this for the rest of your life, but atleast you won't be depressed. woopdidoo



needless to say I hate shrinks, wich is why I dont go to shrinks anymore. all they do is shove pills down your throat and expect that to solve things. Im in TFT, not that this works anymore either, she asked me if I felt I needed any more sessions last week. I thought to myself, well Im depressed, I think about suicide alot, I have alot of irrational anxieties and I hate pretty much everyone. yeah. I think I could use a few hundred more sessions. Im gonna pay all of her retirement years, when she's done with me she can happily close down her shop and live happily ever after.

and for all of you who say: wow you sound pissed, smoke some weed. I dont want to hurt my kids/grandkids so no thank you. Ill drink myself silly and shout at the world. but by all means. harmless drug my ass, do your research people!

and yes I am pissed, very much so. and I sadly feel its justified so go figure. currently my life consists of my brothers dog in daytime, and by night I read, about a book a day. and thats pretty much it. Im also fighting my ass of to get unemployment money that they are trying to get out of paying me but sadly for them, I know my rights. now Im down there daily and they alreaddy owe me a few thousand krones. as soon as I get that money I am GONE, atleast for a few weeks. I need a holliday from my life.