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I can't laugh. Seriously, it is the worst pain. 10 days.

I have to go on pain meds every four hours now. Because of this I have to take a lesser dose, lord help me his next week. Five more days at work, and somehow I have to clean my house.



This week has been hell. Thanks to a computer glitch my payment didn't go through the bank. I found out tues, only because I called. I thought maybe I gave the wrong info, but the rep said no- it was all correct. She deleted my info and re-entered it.



After that phone call I called the bank. They had no record of the money being attempted to be withdrawn - and yes I gave the correct information for the account, and there was enough money there.



At this point, I royally flipped.



Seriously this fuck meant that if I didn't get money to them by Friday- I would have to wait till march for my surgery. I got the bank to do a free bank draft to the insurance company, in case the same glitch happened- mom overnighted it (this was imperative because it gave me hard paper trails both with the bank that the money was there, and the post office tracking). That's important because it gives me solid legal grounds that they must start my insurance feb 1st.



So now I'm home, relieved because the electronic payment also went through this morning. I'm exhausted from pain and I have to take less each time, because I now require overnight meds too.



I. Am. So. Done. With. All. This.



Thankfully Netflix delivered despicable me 2, austinland, and now guardians of the Galaxy :)



Always some good with the challenging. Now if I can just keep my patience and not blow up on people.

It hard connecting to people right now. Because I don't talk about the extreme pain I'm in, I think many view it as I'm blowing them off. What's worse you tell people how to connect and because it's not in their terms- they don't bother.



So frustrating.

TMI moment #7349



My gas feels like anal sex without lube. I won't even describe what the bowel motions feel like. Count down is happening now. I call Monday to see if I might be blessed with an earlier date, but it's closer now.



That's each day's focus, one step closer to truly being free of this. Then it will be steps out of the recovery pain. I'm going to email my naturopath for juices for mom to buy for when I'm out of the hospital. I can work on meal plans once I'm holding real food down.

Some really great things have happened to my friends as of late. It's hard. Not because I'm not totally excited for them, but because when I talk I'm asked how I am.



I am great. But then it goes to how I am feeling, and the truth is just a downer; yet I feel like if I don't talk about it, it will swallow me whole.



Still it's like I'm a walking Debbie downer. But for this one moment, I see and rejoice with all my heart at the good things happening.



I'll have my usual hyper bit for it soon.

I dreamt last night of a past would-be lover. The situation was a difficult one as he had not left his wife, and I was unwilling to date him until he had, as I knew them both. Instead he started dating my roommate Marie who died shortly after Garry.



He was responsible for taking care of what remained of her estate, but sadly with how harshly I had to break things off- well it's fair to say I am someone he still avoids to this day.



The dream was an odd one, as in it I was in a horrid state of pain (which was true) but we had it out. Completely and entirely. It reminded me of Claire and Jamie in Outlander in the scenes where they first settle their relationship, through the attraction and loathing moments.



It's probably why I'm watching Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth. One of my all time favorites in that sentimental manner.

I want to cry from the pain.



That is all.

These days I feel like all I say is, "I'm good, just lots of pain."



Blah blah pain, blah blah owwww.



Plans to do ____ when I have the energy.



It's a good week, pain is less...





Pain fucking pain, damnit pain, pain, pain.



Seriously it's teaching me some hard ass patience. Especially for those with chronic pain. I'm a little afraid of how bad it will be after surgery (mine is full exploratory, not laparoscopic; so there will be considerable pain to recovery), not to mention how hard getting back into shape is going to be.



So much it is over wheming, all while running my business and trying to oversee my employees. Damn pain. Maybe I should bite the pillow.

83 patients in three days.



Yup, need to focus on making the systems more patient friendly. Also easier for the front desk. We are getting there, but there is a lot to still do.



Looking forward to the energy to solve these happy "problems".

Paid for insurance and confirmed Feb 1st start date.



Also bought myself a deck of exploding kitten (.com) cards. I can't wait till they come- they should be so much fun :)

Really good day, but bad evening. Lots of pain and nausea. I probably ate too much.



That is one thing I miss, my appetite. I also miss working out. Soon.

Seahawks win!



Now I just wish I could go home to watch the super bowl with my childhood friends. How awesome would the party be if they won for the second year?



It's just exciting, and I typically don't care about football. This team though, is one of the few that just is special.

Over did it, that is what I've done. Last three days were fun with family and lots of eating out- blerg. I now want to vomit at the thought of food. Plus yesterday was a super busy day with 33 patients, so I'm physically tired too (I got all my charting done though).



My liver hurts again. It's a sharp pain whenever I try to inhale deeply. At first I thought it was a pulled intercostal, but I'm fairly certain it's my liver as its worse with fatigue and also with foods or meds if I don't take them in my normal fashion.



I simply can't wait to get this removed. It really hasn't been that long- but I think the wait is not helping any. Ok back to Netflix as I'm really going cross-eyed even trying to write this.

The past two days I've been trying to get things done which has meant doing more than I'm used to. Typically I can do my 5 hour shift at work and then go home to relax. Some days I will push it by doing 9 hours by going out to do my shopping (which is 45 min away).



But over all as things get closer to the day, I'm honestly needing more down time. Not a forced type of thing, just a come home and sit kinda thing.



Before this would be when I'd do my chores, crafts, read... Whatever needed doing. Now I am getting home and just resting. Part of me likes this, the other part is screaming because I'm sick of my house not having the chores done.



Sadly my "condition" has my mom in the same place- so I can't rely on her help to clean, which at times irks me; although I understand it.

And with a phone call- I'm back to the other insurance. I have to wait for it to activate Feb 1st, but boy am I glad to not have this fiasco over.



I've also put myself on call for the surgery starting the 1st, so anytime after the 1st I can be called in with 24hrs notice. That one phone call- and once again I feel like everything is back on track and I'll be ok. It's a great feeling.



Next week I will call my new (old) insurance to start the preapproval, so going into feb there is no question. One good thing is, I believe I may have warned someone about issues they may not have realized their plan had (they have the troublesome ins I just dropped). Hopefully this is not the case.

Rescinded.



Seems they think it's more appropriate for me to travel three hours to another specialist that doesn't know me will have to redo all the pre surgical... Nope, not going to happen.



It's disgusting because this also means they would force me to do chemo three hours away vs 45 minutes away. Welcome to the world where we as people don't matter, just our money and servitude to pay our bills.

To help my mom contact my friends, I set up a texting tree. This way she texts two people with one message and then it get copied and pasted to over 85 people. Today we had the first successful completion of both the American and Canadian tree. Plus it was finished in less than 3 hours. Not too bad, and it's kinda cool.

It's going to be a great Monday. Approval is a great word to hear to start off your week.



The date is now the 23rd. My only bad news with all of this is that I can't take the regime anymore. This means by next week I will be struggling more. I'm considering not working one extra day, but loath to do this unless needed. Truth is, I like my work.



So that is the last of the "up in the air" pieces. Now to get end of year and other items complete.

When it rains, it pours.



Woke up this am to a pup needing out fast- so we went for our walk and once again Egon is sick :( another day of my bad bowel mix for him (yogurt and child amount of pepto). If he's not better tomorrow, then we are off to the vet.



Yesterday the repair guy came and finished my dryer repair, so after the walk, I figured it was a good time to do the weekly laundry. Put in a few items, heard the water go- then a bad noise and smell. Open the laundry door to find tons of smoke, turn off the machine, and now I get to wait to get it repaired again (it's a stacking unit).



Went out (wasn't planning on going anywhere) to Home Depot for vinal piping so I could drain the washer. It seems it not only caught fire, but it leaks too.



Pain at least is managing better with the combo I'm doing. I should be able to avoid it for the remainder of the time pre-surgical, or be able to take it once a day. Wishing you a far less eventful Sunday.

So day three of regime and I have clear thinking again. Using the pain meds to conquer the pain worked last night and this morning. With my energy being back, I think I'm past the worst of this round.



Now back to netflix

I hope I sleep well. The pain is horrendous tonight. My menses has started and I can tell the blob has changed my anatomy since last month. I work tomorrow then a day off.



Winston had really bad bowels today- I'm hoping he's better tomorrow as I've given him yogurt and pepto to help firm it up.



My mind is vibrating from the pain. Time to try to sleep.

Huston, we have a delay. And I'm trying so hard not to be angry.

I'm managing to keep my spirits up even though I took tha tree down today. I find out tomorrow if we have to do another delay to my surgery or if the insurance company will approve it.



Part of me wishes they would just deny it so I can switch insurance companies and know the date.



We shall see. Regardless the pain is back and people are noticing I'm not doing well (I've gotten pale and the pain doesn't help how I look). If delayed, I'll have one week on my regimen to get me back some of the benefits; and should we go to Feb date I will have two and a half weeks on it.



Just tired and wanting the wait over, but there isn't much we can do about it right now.

Today should have been my surgery date. Hopefully by Wednesday we have approval and this can all be done on Friday. I have to say it's demoralizing when you see the scope of what these companies do; and how much they financially have our country on its knees.



I'm in quite a bit of pain, however I'm still keeping basic function normal. There is a lot of positivity in just that. My hope is we have a definitive answer soon so I can either keep on, or go back to my regime which basically normalized my function.



Segue: I keep going back to how over the past 50 years we went from a country that took care of its own, to one who actively has created an endentured servant class of the majority of its citizens. I think about how if you worked hard, you could be ok. That is truly not the case anymore.

We have a tentative date of next Friday. If I don't have approval by Jan 15th I will be going back to my old insurance and will have surgery Feb 2. What an effing nightmare.



Plus I'm starting to research how to prevent this bullshit for others in the future. Really, I called to make certain the plan_____ covered Dr _____ at _____ hospital and was told yes. Had it been no, I would have stayed with my other insurance.



How convenient they lost the phone recording of that call.

True story-



When the pain is so bad it is paralyzing, the first thought originally was "why me". Now it is, "it means I'm alive" and from there moving through it doesn't seem nearly so bad...



Happy New Year VR

I'm 95% certain we will have to cancel my surgery. All because I was given the wrong information by the insurance company. So it's another month of this while I wait for new insurance to kick in.



I have nothing nice to say.



I need to apologize to everyone that has had to deal with me today. Still I'm looking forward to 2015 and having this taken care of.