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Starting today in my computer's class, and things are getting better between me and Rickie again. Thank god. The past three days have been horrible. I was finally able to sleep, and eat, and I dont feel as hurt anymore.

Life seems to be spiralling out of my control. I want to die today, but I dont entirely feel like explaining why. I have a valid reason for my emotions, but are they being taken the wrong way, yes. By quite a few people, I might say.



I wish I would have just stayed out of the bedroom....

Today was a good day, although I am now officially sick and my stomach hurts. Rickie came over today, and (of course) we had some fun. We ate Panda Express afterwords on my bed and we talked for a little bit.



He wouldnt let me look through his phone, and I'll admit it worries me. If there is something messing with his phone, why not let me see? He made it clear that his phone keeps "fucking up". But.. *sighs*



Too tired to finish this. My nose and head are congested. I want to sleep...

I feel like I've been hit in the face with a brick. But not only in this a "physical" brick (physically miserable), but its an emotional brick. I am emotionally exhausted. I am being forced into doing things I really dont approve of. But I do them to please people. I dont talk to anyone specific about them. Not even Rickie. If theres a stranger out there who wont judge, someone I dont know in the slightest but has gone through what I have, please message me. I need someone to talk to me..



Well now that I'm officially broke, I can stick to my diet now. (Did I mension Im on weight watchers yet?) Its about time I get rid of this baby fat. My baby is 7 months for gods sakes.. *sighs*.. Thats part of my stress, see?..



I want things to be perfect in my life. But I cant help but feel like this is just the beginning of something much worse.. I feel like Im being cheated on, I know it but the person wont admit it (figurativley). I'm always tense. I always want to cry. Like an abusive relationship. Like all my abusive relationships before have been balled into one apocalyptic relationship. (still being figurative)



I want to rip my eyes out.



~Emilia