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my heart has been torn up. my feelings for the one I love unintentionally brought up. its no ones fault. we weren't in the right moment. but I just feel like now she really needs some one to pull her up and its not me because the person she wants it from is some one new she has and that person sucks. bad. aint good for her,but ill be okay I just push my feelings aside. because they only make shit worse. I love her but I wont let our friendship go because of my feelings. I believe we will have a time just not now. shes my world and I wait.

I don't want to be consumed by numbness and pain again. How can one be both numb and full of pain? I know eating better I know my vitamins. But what If youre consumed by the negative in the home being projected by the ones you love? how does it work? do you need a constant cleansing? what if theyre just bad from the soul out? my mother was evil from day 1. So I believe. what if the music and hobbies are not enough? why does it all come down to money? how can you constantly treat someone so negative with love and kindness when you can barely be kind to yourself? is pot an option? or will it only bring the darkness forth coming? we will find out next week... till then I stay barely breathing fighting and surviving against negative longing to be like the spirits that haunt my home... to be free of this worlds struggles yet alive enough to be with those I love. but that's a fantasy only Hollywood can produce, American Horror Stories, I curse them for the idea.