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I think that there comes a time in your life when you are supposed to be happy with what you have and who you are. I also think that there is a time when you stop worrying about what other people think of you and if they like you or not.

I find that i have yet to get to that place in my life. I know that by now, i should be content with what i have and where my life is headed, but i just can not get over the feeling that something is missing, and i don't know what it is or how to find it.

I realise that i do worry way to much about wether someone likes me or not, and i shouldn't becuase i am not going to change for them anyway. I am who I am and I always will be this person. I will not change for anyone, why therefore do i worry so much if someone likes me or not? Insecurity? probably, people from my past that have fucked with my head? most likely.

How then does one get past this? The answer is still unclear to me, it is with great hope that i can discover the answer or fix the mind fucking that was done so that i may move on from all of this.

Oh to talk to me you would never know that i feel the way that i do, I have learned to keep it hidden. Does this mean that i am one of those people that pretend to be someone i am not? Absolutely not. I just do not let people see what hurts me, I am still who I am, that does not change becuase of a need to protect myself.

Although I have found that in protecting oneself, you close yourself off to the good things that come your way. You miss them because you are so worried about getting hurt that you miss the good thing right in front of your face.

I am trying incredibly hard to focus on the good things in front of me and not that i might get hurt by them, this may backfire on me then i guess i live and learn, again, and again. But I thing that I would rather get hurt then miss out on life itself.



I have no idea if people read these rantings, cuz that is all they are, a way for me to fill the void, have someone to talk to because my friend is too busy to listen to my problems. I use this as a way to get things out. I am sure that at some point someone is going to read these and try to use it to their advantage to use these rantings against me in some way.. oh well, more power to them if they think they can.

I just have to say that i am very tired of reaching out to people who say they wnat help or advice and then when you give it to them they throw it back in your face and tell you .. oh that won't work for me.... or ...i am just not that kind of person.....well you know what? don't fucking ask then...... i am so tired of trying to help those that ask with advice from my own personal experience only to have them tell me it won't work.. well frankly i am fed up to my fucking eybrows with people like that....so eventually i become the straight forward bitch that i can be and tell them like it is.... and you know what? if i offend them or they get mad at me... too fucking bad... i cant be brought down anymore when i have tried so hard to bring myself up from that dark pit....no way is anyone going to put me back there.... i will help if its is needed but throw it back at me and right now i am likely to tell you to fuck off then.