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I guess this journal is just a place for me to bitch and complain. Because I sure as hell havent written anything other than that the past few times.



Anyway. here is my weekend.



work sucked

credit card information got raped

school shit heads cant get their crap together in the financial aid department and it cause me to be tossed out of my classes until they fix it.



the worst part about that last one is the fact that JUST BARELY got done with a class and I was waiting for my final grade. My instructor couldnt post my final grade because at the last minute I got pulled from the class.



If I have to take that class again..Im going to throw a bitch fit in the middle of the student union.



siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.



I did get my work issues resolved today. And I got my credit card issues resolved today. But this school thing is driving me crazy. its seriously fucking with my head. I dont do the whole stress thing because theres usually nothing in my life I take seriously enough to stress about, BUT this has me a little tense. I will call them first thing tomorrow and phone slap them.

Isn't it weird...that when you finally get into a relationship with someone, you both work really hard to become someone you're not? All of a sudden certain aspects of your past are locked away.

I mean...I don't do this. Well, I HAVENT done this in a while because its fucking pointless. BUT my ex girlfriend is all of a sudden lecturing me about not talking about how we had sex because she doesnt want her current girlfriend to get mad. Really? I mean, I get it. But it still struck me as very weird. How can you be an adult and still tip toe around reality?

I feel that people's pasts should be embraced because they made them who they ARE. The last relationship I had, man...we were completely open about EVERYTHING. There was no jealousy. We were titans in our little world were nothing could touch us. Of course...it destroyed itself from within from over use of chemical substances...But thats beside the point.



Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is, If you are with someone, its ok if they have a past. You have one too. Love them for their past and their present and dont give a fuck about the future.

Don't you hate it when you work your ass off at your job...because, well...no one ELSE is going to and shit needs to get done so bust ass all day to get as much done as possible and an hour after you get home and you collapse on your bed, your boss calls and asks why you did such a shitty job?



I hate that.



Then you make your apologies and try to get the issue resolved and when youre done you stare at the ceiling and just get more and more pissed off about it, even though you KNOW you shouldnt give two shits about it. But youre mad because you DO work your ass off and the only time you here anything from anyone is when they have something to bitch about.

And you make it a point not to complain about the job at work to ANYONE because you know shit gets spread around like soy sauce on rice. but of course every time you walk into your bosses office all they do is complain about some stupid shit like, oh no...3 guys want me and they are all the jealous type..or, man I hate my job, I wish I could use my BA like I'm supposed to because this work is beneath me....or, I wish my ex husband would move out because he is so annoying.

And then they tell you, 'i love how you sit there and let me rant! ^.^'

But what you are really doing is sitting on your hands and biting your tongue because all you want to do is stand up and slap the shit out of them and scream, 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???'

But you know...you like making a paycheck so you suck it up.



In reality you sit there and wish to fucking god her problems were your problems because they sound so much better than having your dad laid off his job and having your parents live with you because they lost their house. Her problems sound so much better than learning a week ago that your mother has a golf ball sized mass on her Thyroid AND COPD and she has no plans to stop smoking AT ALL. Your boss's petty bullshit sounds so much better than having to work full time, go to school full time, care for you parents and give up your entire social life just so you can support them and get a degree so YOU can afford THEIR retirement.



Yes, Boss. Tell me how horrible it is to have some guy text you at 3 am and how that pisses the guy in your bed off to no end. Tell me how fucking horrible your life is AGAIN and AGAIN. PLEASE! BECAUSE I CANT GET ENOUGH OF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FUCKING FAN, TEEEEEEELLLLLLL MEEEEEE!



SIIIgggghhhh................



Well. I feel better.

Sometimes it seems like we're all living in some kind of prison, and the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to look in the mirror sometimes, and admit the truth: that when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually... beautiful. Possibly even me.

Sometimes I don't feel as old as I am. Alright, all the time I don't feel as old as I am. I still feel like I'm in high school and all the important stuff that meant the world to people then is still secretly important to people now. It's like..everyone knows that kind of thinking is juvenile, so they don't admit it. Sometimes it feels like we become human beings in high school. Our entire structure is built in those 4 years. And then we spend the rest of our lives covering it up under some crazy view of how we think we should be at any given stage in our lives.

Of course..Maybe this whole view is just me and how I see things within myself.

When I was little I worshiped Halloween. And truthfully, part of me still does. Because it's your one chance all year to finally be able to be someone else. One year I was Alex DeLarge, the main character in 'A Clockwork Orange.' It was great to pretend to be a delinquent who was obsessed with ultra-violence. Even if such things were beyond my actual scope of being. At what age is it unacceptable to play pretend? To step out of yourself for a while and completely forget your life for a moment. Maybe that's the appeal to internet addicts. The internet has the ability to take you from your physical self and all that seems to exist is whats in your head and what you want to pour onto a blank screen. Some people even pretend to be someone else. They make up these fake profiles and have completely different lives when the computer is on. I wonder why they do that?

I know what I want to do in life. I know how I want to make money so I can support my family. But that doesn't define me, does it? Maybe it does to an extent because I am pretty passionate about it, but when I am sitting at home eating dinner, who is THAT person? Is that person someone I can be happy with? When it's all said and done, us sitting at home doing nothing is all we are. We aren't our jobs. We aren't our degrees. We are complex beings in the truest sense of simplicity. But how many people in our lives actually SEE that part of us? How many people have the time to look at someone else and consider what goes on in their heads while they try to go to sleep? I know I don't have any time for such things. I am far too busy. Maybe I should make time.

COMMENTS

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Sulks
21:21 Jul 08 2012

:)

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ladybriarrose
19:50 Jul 28 2012

So insightful for one so young...many people live a lifetime and don't ever even begin to see what you do. Please take that as a compliment but also know that the depth of your awareness makes both the pains and the pleasures you'll experience much more acute.

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