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I woke up this morning with some big thick chunk of smokers gunk in my throat again this morning, except today, when I finished hacking it out, and in to the sink, I went back out in to the living room, to the couch where I slept, but instead of laying there to think, and possibly fall back alseep as usual, I heard drops, in the quiet, nearly noon day, and went to the front door window. It was raining, Pouring. Right back, as if it had never left; A perfectly, chilly, rainy day.



I woke james, and told him to look out at it. He didn't seem overly thrilled. though I'm sure he had to love it, he too like me loves the cold weather, he was just still sleepy, and is always cranky in the mornings.



After sitting there for a little too long on the couch, having wanted to go out, and walk , and smoke since I woke up, I was getting very impatient, and a little flooded in the mind with thoughts I didn't really care to be having. I had decided somewhere in thoughts that it would be a better idea if I hung on to my own money again for a while ( James has held on to just about everything I have had to my name since he's gotton back from West Virginia) since it seems that my ability to hang on to, and manage money has severly decreased in the last year to near nonexistance.



There seems to be a strange slowness here, that I just can't adapt to. It's something beyond anything I have ever been exposed to in all my life. Everyone takes time to heal, and recover from almost eveything they do, it takes almost an hour sometimes just to get out the door to the store, or some other simple place, that I would otherwise just take a quick run over to in ten minutes, and be done with it, and to get to have a cigarette is an unpredictable tast, that could sometimes be as simple as sneaking out at the right time, and walking a block away, or as difficult as waiting for sometimes hours, frustratingly counting the minutes, and then constantly walking, blocks away, out of breath by the time it actually comes time for the smoke, and then fighting ovr who smoked the majority of it.



When I finally left in the morning, he chased me out in his socks in the rain, he always seems so high strung sometimes, and almost like he doesn't even like me as a human being, or like my being a person frustrates him, and if being nondifficult, simply seems to have no concern in the world with what I am doing.



I waited for him in the rain, smoking, by the tree at the corner of the road. We were going to go to the grocery store to pick up a morning supply of drinks, vitamin waters and energy drink type stuff. I felt so frustrated, and invisible somehow, but when he finally came running up, he grabbed on to and hugged my, and I did the same back. We seem to have a very good idea of how our bodies work, and when we mean nothing by anything we say or do or how we seem. We seem to know pretty well when it's just shitty circumstance talking, and annoyance. He said sorry, and so did I, like we always do, and we walked, arm in arm to the store in the thick rain.



When we got there, we walked around, being horribly indecicive about everything, as usual. We finally ended up getting some 'Vidration' water, a vitamin rich power juice, an energy drink, and some soyrizzo. we walked around after shooping, looking for a phone, to call someone to pick us up ( it was raining way too hard by then, and we were both freezing). Finally found one, and called, only Jimmy was home, and said he'd come get us. We had a smoke, and stood and talked in the rain. Before that, I took some Elmo balloon from the store thinking it was trash, but I guess not, the clerk came and took it from me. We sat on the little kids ride stallions until finally caryl drove up.



The day was nice, it was cold all throughout it, and we smoked out back, and I made him breakfast, and we watched the movie Sleepers, Which brought a lot of thoughts to the front of my mind, that I didn't realise until later.



We were happy, and frustrated, and loved eachother, and were annoyed more times throughout the day, but it was one of the nicer ones of these last couple annoying ones.



We played Guitar hero with jimmy, the entire time, I was just listening to him sing, off and on, and thinking about him, as I always do, and thinking about memories I have. Somewhere between there, and going out for another smoke once jimmy went to bed, I started wondering if everything I had was nothing because of some of the random things I was thinking about. If it had all been taken, and he was too much of a person for me.



I feel like it did, sometimes. I remember being at the bar, wanting to cry when they called my name to sing kareoke, just becasue, and how I can never think, and I hate being touched too often. And I hate when I can't control how people see me. So many things that pass through my mind, I know they're too fucked up, but it just seems so normal in the world where they live, it's only when they're brought out in to this one and evaluated, that something seems horrible wrong.



He was sitting at the bar a moment ago. I love his back. I lovw looking at him. He says we're a part of eachother, I love everything about his except me. I love him, but not the him with me.