The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Santa Claus Is Real LOL
02:16 Jan 29 2006
Times Read: 965






Well I thought I would start my profile of with this since the rest is pretty much depressing and no my profile is not just full of melodramatics as one person thought. I have worked hard to make my profile protray the real me and not somebody people think I am. But anyways I always joked with my family when I was little, the innocent little girl in the pictures below I mean. She would always joke saying she would still believe in Santa Clause even when she was 18 years old. Well the little girl has grown up and for a day I will admit I believed in Santa Clause until I got home and faced reality. It was great to be a little kid again and believe in the silly little childhood dream, so innocent and wondering. But anyways, ya I know I am weird but oh well.

From my profile... message to court and mandy
18:42 Jan 16 2006
Times Read: 978




I will be taking time from many things in my life right now. I have too many things to deal with including personal problems. If anyone messages me, please do not feel offended if I do not respond right away. I will respond just might not be for a little bit. I am to the point of getting away from everybody, including friends and the only people I will be around (not by choice) will be when I go to my classes. VR will very much so still be part of my life since I will be redoing my whole profile when my classes start and will have fun with it. But I just need to get away from people for awhile. So if any of my friends that I hang out with around my area read this I am sorry but I will not be talking to anyone. I am having a very hard time and trying to keep out so I hope you understand. Later.



TO COURTNEY AND MANDY





And if by any chance it is Courtney and/or Mandy reading this, my answer about everything is further down my profile. Just scroll down and I am sure you will find it. But I doubt that you will read everything since you guys have not read anything or visited my profile since I have joined. I love you guys but I need to take some personal time right now. Later.

Calmness and Sleeping
16:50 Jan 16 2006
Times Read: 981

I guess this is the calmness after the storm my friend told me about. I have been happier then anything lately. I know there are always hard parts in life, like a roller caster, but I need to continue on still. I do not plan on breaking promises, especially to a person who means the world to me or to Wicked who is one of my best frinds. I am okay. Watching as someone slept, not saying who or anythig, it reassured me that it was going to be fine. No matter how bad things get in my life, I can make it through. I only hope that they understand that. I was crying but when I saw them sleeping, I could not stop smiling. It, in a way, made everything right in my world. I lost track of time and nothing really mattered to me. It was a wonderful thing to experience. I have never sat and watched someone sleep like I did. I was only watching over them just as they did with me.

I am Sorry to All Those Who Were Worried
06:33 Jan 15 2006
Times Read: 990

Okay I am doing this journal entry to tell my friends, I am okay now. I am much better. My Mom and I talked things out and those who I had fought with on Friday the 13th have forgiven me. Why they did, I have no clue. I would have forgiven myself if I was them. I was a complete bitch. I still cannot believe how much of a one I had been to those I love. I am so happy I was forgiven. I shall not take happiness for granted anymore. Also I will not react out of emotions anymore either. I always do this without thinking, I seriously need to stop. I will only cause more pain if I dont. I am going to go to sleep now but I am okay. I want to make that clear. I am much much better then what I was. Thank you Shinedemongod (i kinda forget your new name right now even though you are on my friends list sorry) and scope. You both helped me to see where I was wrong and I needed to grow up.

This Morning I wrote this on my profile
20:08 Jan 14 2006
Times Read: 993

Right now I want to cut so bad but since I made a promise to one guy, I will not do it. I cannot do that. I cannot break a promise to him. I hate myself for everything I have done and I always have a tendency of fucking everything up. I can't even stand to look at myself right now, so all of the pictures of me on my profile may be taken off sometime in the next couple of days. I may delete my portfolio too. I am now worst then I have ever been and I just want to take everything back. I know I can't and I knew I should have shut up because I say things I don't mean sometimes.





To the person who is probably upset with me:



I am sorry. I was depressed last night and you already know why. I am tired of losing the ones who I love, even my family members despite all the stupis shit they do and what they put me through everyday. I do not want to lose you but I know I probably already have. I have been in the woods all night and I value the promise I made to you more then anything. I stopped myself from doing something stupid only because of you. I already broke the promise to my Dad about not hurting myself no matter what happened. I did that the same day I made it. But that was only because he died. I won't break the promise to you, even tough right now it does feel like you have died and I have lost you forever.

Giving Up... Goodnight
04:29 Jan 14 2006
Times Read: 1,001

I fear I know what is going to happen. I fucked it all up. I am sorry for that and I regret it more than anything. I am sitting here crying, wanting to cut so bad. I always fuck up everything, ALWAYS. I won't be online for a couple of days probably or maybe just one hard to tell with me. Just taking some time to study and do homework. Everything is going to hell in one day. My Mom and I are at each other's throats again about her not telling me something important. I can see her reasoning for not telling me but she should have told me so I didn't have to hear about it when she was talking to another family member. I have just messed everything up in my life again. I am a screw up. I don't care anymore. Everyone can do what they want. All I want is to stop being hurt like always. I guess I just need to take my Daddy's advice, "Fuck everyone, you need no one to survive." I just want to get everything done and over with, I am tired of all this shit. I am just tired period. Tired of pain and tired of crying. Tired of life. So in saying all of this I say goodnight but I will talk to everyone later always. I refuse to prove my one uncle right and kill myself. He always said I would take the chickenshit way out of my problems. I hope he burns in hell and I do not regret saying that. Later.

My Fears
14:48 Jan 12 2006
Times Read: 1,006

My fears are simple. I am afriad of the following:

Silence:

My reasoning for this is quite simple. While in silence I have more time to think. I have a tendency of thinking about my flaws, regrets, problems, my friends' problems, and I just dwell on thoughts to the point they become unbearable to stand.



Losing Everything as it is Right Now:

This is because for one of the very few times in my life I am happy. I have my Mom's approval and the love of my life. I am afriad I will lose it all. That I will do something to mess everything up and I will not be able to get it back. This is the fear that stays within my mind both day and night. It is one of my greatest fears.



The Dark:

The reason behind this is because I have been left in the dark before with my worst enemy. Now when left in it, I will remember events of the past. It is like they are projected onto a screen of black velvet and I can see everything happening again but I have no control over it. This is another one of my greatest fears. I cannot sleep with the lights off unless I am with a close friend who I trust.



Water:

This has existed ever since I was a little girl. I fear I will drown with someone I love watching me struggle for my last breathe. I have had a dream about this since I was about six. Because of this fear I have never learned to swim.



Losing the Ones I Love:

This one is more understandable. I replay situations in my head where I have losted loved ones, especially when the lost was not caused by death or natural death. I am to the point that when someone even promises me it will not happen with them, I cannot leave myself believe no matter how much I want to. My way of thinking this way is simple: If I don't believe them to begin with, keep my guard up, and expect it even, it seems to hurt less if and when it happens. THIS IS MY ULTIMATE FEAR!!!

Why Am I Like This... Fear
04:23 Jan 12 2006
Times Read: 1,009

Things in my life have recently made a turn for the better since the new year began. I know that there have been promises made but I cannot believe this is going to last. I love being happier for once and not being depressed and stressed out all the time. But I have only learned from the past and my dreams. But can they not both be wrong! Can't they both be as broken laws are after the fact has happened. Right now I feel like I am struggling against myself. I only know the fear of everything ending. Scared that it will be my own fault, that I will mess up like always. I know most things don't happen in my life because I have caused them, other people did, especially the bad. But I cannot help but think I will lose everything. I love this I don't care about my past right now. I feel as though I have no pain. But then when I think of my friends I have not been talking to so I can bathe myself in the happiness of my life right now and try to become better and heal myself, I feel a huge amount of guilt. I know they worry about me but I need time right now. I need to deal with my own problems before I can deal with other's problems. I need to think of myself for once and not of the others that only complain. I have too many complaints of my own to deal with, too many problems. I know this sounds completely selfish but I need to think about what is good for me, what I need in life to be happy, what I need to get rid of, what I need to be able to heal emotional scars, what I can accomplish only to become I better person and one I can live with. One that I can actually look at in the mirror without saying something negative or telling myself it was all my fault. I need to face the fact that I cannot change what has happened and need to learn to face the demons that are left. I need to do all of this within my life right now. So to people that are special to me I am sorry if this sounds selfish or if it hurts you but I have to do what I need to do for myself for once. I cannot care about everyone else's problems ahead of my own. Mine come first for once. Okay this felt great to get all of this off of my chest and to my friends on here it is okay. I really don't mean alot from saying all of this. I am just struggling and trying to fight back old habits whose urges come and go now because of certain things happening and certain people.