Honor: 20 [ Give / Take ]
36 entries this month
05:16 Mar 30 2010
Times Read: 891
I swear there is a cat licking my toes. It feels like it... right down to the damn freakin' wet nose and fur.
But there is literally no cat.
None.
What the hell...
I feel like I'm going insane!
God, I feel like shit. I think I have an appointment with my psychiatrist early to mid month in April.
I know I'm way too depressed and in denial about Courtney's death.
I just can't seem to find my footing to the point I need to.
I'm going to try to get some kind of sleep. I'm drinking a little bit of Bacardi 151 to see if that helps.
Here goes nothing!
16:55 Mar 29 2010
Times Read: 899
I feel horrible right now.
I had the most painful dream, both mental and physically. The dream was so vivid I could feel the dream during it.
In the dream, I had two types of cancer. I was going through treatment and everything but it wasn't working... and was just causing more misery then it was worth.
My dad was still alive and Aurora was about five years old.
The last thing I remember before waking up having to take two anxiety pills was...
I was on my deathbed for days. They had to keep me doped up so I slept for most of the time feeling the pain even while I slept.
They were all gathered around my bed... Brett, Aurora, my daddy, my mommy, and my nephew.
I woke up just to say "Don't worry guys, John and Courtney are waiting for me." Then fell asleep again.
I finally woke up crying and hyperventilating... the dream coursed on for months in it.
05:53 Mar 29 2010
Times Read: 906
Hmm, weird.
I tried hummus tonight.
It's texture reminds me of the canned spreadable cheese. That texture makes me want to vomit.
But...
The taste isn't that bad to me when combined with wheat thins.
It's just not for me though.
It so doesn't taste yummy in combination with grape pop!
Yuck!
I've gotten a lot of my homework completed. I still have a couple of things to wrap up later tonight... since it's past midnight.
*****************************
I've had a pretty decent conversation with someone who I've always considered close but haven't gotten to talk to in a good while.
:-)
It's the first decent conversation I've really let myself have only... other than chatrooms and my online browser games.
So woot for me!
Haha! Laters.
22:48 Mar 28 2010
Times Read: 926
I just did something I know I shouldn't have...
FUCK!
Now I guess I'm just watching how it's taken or what ever the fuck.
Ugh, at least I meant what I said.
I hate my impulsiveness at times.
Why can't I just forget details of people and crap? At least birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It works against me most times.
Hell, I still remember Tommy's birthday after all these years.
I'm going back to my homework. I almost have this one major assignment done. Yay for me there!
Later.
16:44 Mar 26 2010
Times Read: 943
Okay so today is devoted to productivity while my mom is watching Aurora for a couple hours.
On my online games:
On the one:
630 total points on rank.
Send a mass message.
Talk to the alliance leader about some things since I'm his co-leader.
On the other one:
172,000 points reached by the end of the day.
Talk some in the chat. =)
Farm the heck out of some NPCs!
Homework-wise:
1 Minor Assignment.
Start on the other Minor Assignment.
1 Major Assignment.
My Reading Assignment done.
2 Discussion Forums.
1 Writing Assignment.
This is what I'm setting out to do. Hopefully I can get it done and more.
=)
I need to do a lot. But I know I can handle it. After all, I've taken the trash out twice, I've driven my car once, and I'm getting back into the routine of "Tiffy" things.
I've picked back up on some of the cooking, I've been cleaning up a storm, I've been remaining quite optimistic, and I have the strength to pursue my goals if I can find and harness it!
Damn it, I want to find my strength again!
And that's that!
****************************
Oh, Aurora's favorite song is "1 2 3 4" by the Plain White Ts.
Hehe!
23:48 Mar 25 2010
Times Read: 955
I'm putting this in here for me more than anyone.
I'm now on academic probation from failing the State and Local Government course.
*sighs*
I feel stupid.
23:12 Mar 23 2010
Times Read: 981
I feel as though I'm being torn between two or more different sides of myself.
When I say that alone, I feel like I'm just "crazy."
I feel as though I'm gaining and losing my touch with reality all at once.
Yesterday, we had a horrible storm. It came and went. There was hail. I mean, some of it was huge.
Brett and I went outside to try to protect my car's windows.
It was stupid.
It was foolish.
But I got hit several times and yeah... it hurt like hell but it didn't kill me.
It didn't dent me like it did my car.
It didn't break me.
I feel torn.
I feel torn between two or more sides of myself.
I feel like I'm gaining myself back but I'm scared to even make any kind of move.
I drove my car today. It was the first time in a long few weeks. I actually drove past 50 mph to pass not one but two vehicles.
I actually felt somewhat normal today.
I didn't need extra anxiety pills.
I didn't need Brett to be by my side in the library of the college.
I feel almost normal. I feel almost like myself.
Like my true self.
Not some anxious worrier who can't seem to close her eyes at night in fear of what may come.
I just hope that tomorrow is the same.
I liked it.
I needed it.
I need this.
03:08 Mar 23 2010
Times Read: 991
Stupid things happen in our apartment when Aurora goes to sleep.
Brett and I just had a silverware war with forks and spoons.
You wanna spoon with me?!
LOL!
Too bad it ended in my bad foot getting perched with a fork!
Eh, it was bound to happen to one of us.
16:54 Mar 22 2010
Times Read: 1,000
Yet again I'm created a MSN account for the messenger. I'm pretty sure I'm going to stick with it this time. At least I've deleted all of the previous ones. LOL!
I'm only going to share this screen name with a few people though... that way I'm not avoiding it or whatever.
I have the hiccups and can't stop them. Ugh! It hurts.
But anyway, if you want to talk to me on MSN or something. Let me know.
=)
You'll find out whether I'm comfortable enough with you or not, I guess. LOL!
Please don't take offense... some people I know better than others. Yep, yep!
16:05 Mar 21 2010
Times Read: 1,003
Hero is one of the strongest words I've ever come across.
I only have a few...
My dad.
My nephew.
My mom.
Courtney.
I believe the strongest people I've ever come across in my life is my daddy and my Court Court.
I'm thinking of making my second account when I have the money, a dedication to Courtney.
I want to keep her memory alive in any way I can.
I refuse to ever let the memories of her fall into the back of my mind. The same goes for my daddy.
04:55 Mar 21 2010
Times Read: 1,008
I guess a couple of things are bugging me. Nothing I can do about them though.
I'm proud of myself.
I haven't been feeling like sex is a necessity so much. It's getting somewhat manageable.
3 1/2 weeks no sex.
I had sex twice today though.
=)
I couldn't really last any longer. LOL!
I'm upset because a kitten was killed by another cat. I think it was Gemini.
There's really only Shadow Dancer, Ma-ma, and Gemini now.
The kitten's neck and jaw were broken, along with some ribs and I think it's front right leg.
Today was the first real day I haven't gone outside for a minute or two in my routine.
... I've been going out every other day for like five to ten minutes. I've been talking to the one neighbor here and there.
But I'm still having the dilemma of running into the apartment because I feel overwhelmingly scared. At least I'm getting in the habit of not letting that fear show so much anymore.
I'm scared of how I'm influencing Aurora. I'm scared I'm going to screw up her life in some way or another.
I'm scared of a lot of things.
I don't think I'll find the courage to face most of it.
*sighs* Lots to write but I'm tired. Night.
01:56 Mar 20 2010
Times Read: 1,017
Bypassing the timer didn't go so well.
Four attempts.
Aunt Gina, you speak a word of this and I'm beating you over the head.
=)
First attempt...
It turned on and then went off. One set of wires became hot and smoked a little bit.
Second attempt...
It sparked a little and then blew the breaker. The one set of wires was were the spark was and it melted the electrical tape.
Third attempt...
I listened to Brett and it was NOT a good idea. Connect all the wires he said! Hell no! Never again! It fried the wires... it melted the electrical tape... and it smoked... a lot!
Fourth and final attempt...
I guessed yet again since I can't find any information on the damn thing!
I plugged it in. I went to turn it on. It didn't blow the breaker.
It shocked the hell out of me and MELTED the GROUND PRONG!
My joints hurt.
My head hurts.
It seemed like forever... trying to get the damn thing unplugged.
I'm curling up on my couch...
Later.
01:06 Mar 20 2010
Times Read: 1,018
Bypassing the timer of the dryer.
It's the timer that's causing the damn problems. The piece costs $119 to replace.
Money we DON'T have.
So I'm too stubborn to let "the man of the house" fix it. My daddy taught me a lot about electricity.
=)
I've only gotten shocked once! LOL! Blew the breaker once.
... And caused a problem with the breaker box from listening to Brett's idea.
*sighs* This is getting fun! LOL!
And Ma-ma scratched my belly badly when I lifted her up on the loveseat. Haha! I'll heal.
18:15 Mar 19 2010
Times Read: 1,020
Why do you need to know math for computer forensics, stupid person? Why?
Because math is everywhere in your fuckin' life! Get used to it!
... As for me, I'm loving the refresher!
♥
15:26 Mar 18 2010
Times Read: 1,035
My comment to someone I used to talk to a lot. But now since a lot has happened in the past, we don't talk anymore and it's just all left in silence.
*************
I'm sure no one wants to hear from me, but at one point in time we were friends. I hate to see people in pain in general.
The conversation we had so long ago about the poly lifestyle... This is what I've always seen. Jealousy. Competition for attention. Possibly envy in a way or two.
I feel as though if you really want it to work with both of them... then possibly have a conference chat on YIM or something. That way you can say what you need to say, Fawn. Set some rules up that neither are allowed to leave and have to take in what you say.
Yes, it'll hurt everyone. But would the pain be less talking to them than if they lost you or you them?
God, I feel like this isn't my place to say anything... especially with all of the past and me knowing exactly who the two you speak of are. But we were once what I consider friends. I have most of those conversations saved... so I can't just turn my cheek the other way and not say what I think I should.
From what I've seen, both of them are insanely amazing. I hope they never lose themselves. But I also hope you never lose yourself either.
Compromise is the key to any relationship, although some people say it's your relationship, you should be happy and compromising isn't being happy with what you have. -Weird tangent, I know.
But you have to look at it both ways, you feel as though you're being torn... but I know both of them probably do too whether they will openly admit it or not. You guys need to communicate... openly... honestly... and truthfully. That means saying what you have to say because it is who you are and they need to be able to say what they have to say too. It's not fair to any of you for the silence to be there.
I think in order for it to work, they need to give a friendship between them a chance.
... Before I ramble anymore, I'm going to quit typing. I'm sure my advice isn't wanted. I'm sure this comment will come off as whatever it will. I don't know. Later.
*************
I don't really know what to say. I want to help but I fear rejection on a horrible level. I guess I deserve it... but I never lied about anything I said during that whole time period. I kept names out of it. And although some people see it as deceiving, I see it as keeping my word to those I had previous agreements with.
I've talked about John some here and there in this journal now. He was a huge part of my life. Heck, I remember Tommy being so jealous of him. I remember how he called him yelling at him for hurting me. I remember him going to Courtney's with me because I was scared to go to a party by myself. I remember him sleeping next to me so many times because I just wanted to be held. Even at my Grandma's funeral, he tried to help me as much as he could.
As for Brett, he was going through enough and his father had asked me to keep him out of my writings online for a good while because of family issues.
I guess I don't know what to do because it does involve so many people. I worded things so that people who knew me or read my journal on a regular basis knew Brett was okay and that someone else in my life had passed.
I need to drop it all, huh? I need to stop feeling guilty for things that are in the past. I need to stop dwelling on this shit before it consumes me.
*************
Last night, I broke down. After all this time, I finally couldn't hold a lot of things in anymore.
It started with a comment I made on the microphone with Brett and Okra. My comment:
"No matter how old girls get, best friends always do the whole sleep over thing talking about boys, makeup, dreams, and everything."
It hit me. My best friend passed away. She was the only person I ever talked boys with or makeup with. We talked about so much. She was always there for me and I hope I was there just as much for her. Courtney and I were always so close. When something came up, we always called the other.
After the reality of Courtney being gone hit me again, it led to John, my Grandmama, and my daddy.
Time heals all wounds and makes it easier.
... I don't think so.
My dad has been gone since 2004 and I cry every week about him still.
How does time heal that or make it any easier?
The only thing it makes happen is me forget something tiny about my dad and feel guilty and remorseful.
As anyone can probably tell, I have a lot on my mind and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere...
What the hell?
18:44 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 1,040
Women Could Win Free Human Eggs
Fertility Seminar To Give Donated Eggs To One Couple
MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer
Posted: 9:46 am EDT March 17,2010Updated: 11:18 am EDT March 17,2010
LONDON -- An American infertility clinic is offering free human eggs to one British participant for attending an informational seminar Wednesday in London.
The promotion, which has been described by some as a raffle, has sparked an ethical debate in Britain about whether women should be paid for their eggs -- which is illegal in the European Union, but not in the United States.
The Genetics and IVF Institute held a free educational seminar for British couples on Wednesday. Of the participants, one will win a treatment cycle for donated in-vitro fertilization, to produce eggs. The prize is not based on a paid raffle.
In a statement, the clinic said its egg donors are college-educated women between 19 and 32. In the U.S., women are routinely paid from $10,000 to $35,000 or more for their eggs.
In Britain, women cannot be paid for their eggs and can only be compensated for their travel expenses and time off work; that cannot exceed more than 250 pounds (USD $384) per treatment cycle. To donate eggs, a woman must undergo a monthlong treatment that involves injecting herself with hormones and then undergoing a surgical procedure to retrieve the eggs.
Because the donated eggs -- which may result from paying a woman for treatment -- will happen in the U.S., the clinic is not technically breaking any British laws. But experts slammed the event as a publicity stunt.
"There's something shocking in the association of a raffle and giving away a human product," said Dr. Francoise Shenfield, a fertility and medical ethics expert at University College London. "In Europe, we have the general idea that altruism is a good thing and we don't want to turn human body parts into a commodity."
Shenfield, who has studied how many Europeans go abroad for infertility treatment, said it was impossible to know how many Britons were going to the U.S., since they are not obliged to report it. Many Europeans commonly seek treatment elsewhere to get around loopholes in their own country, like the number of eggs that can be retrieved or implanted, how much donors can be paid, and who is eligible to be treated.
Britain's Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, which regulates fertility treatment, said the U.S. clinic's raffle was inappropriate. "It trivializes altruistic donation," the agency said, and runs contrary to the regulations that exist "to protect the dignity of donors and recipients."
Trina Leonard, a spokeswoman for the Genetics and IVF Institute in Fairfax, Virginia, said the U.S. clinic was simply offering a seminar in London commonly held in the U.S.
"They're not raffling off a human egg," she said. Leonard said one person who comes to the seminar who wants to pursue a donated egg is given a free treatment cycle. She said the giveaway was promotional to introduce "new options" for people hoping to start a family.
She said the winner would be picked randomly, not according to need because that would be too complicated. The clinic has been giving away donor cycles valued at more than $10,000 for about a year, she said. Far more egg donors are available in the U.S. than in Britain.
According to the European Union's Tissues and Cells Directive, donors may only be paid for their inconvenience. But the figure varies across the continent. In Spain, women can receive up to about €900 (about $1,200) for donating eggs.
Allan Pacey, a fertility expert at the University of Sheffield, said the British supply of donated eggs might be increased if women received more money for their time. "To donate an egg, you're really inconvenienced, and 250 pounds barely scratches the surface," he said.
Some women weren't sure if offering more money for eggs was a good idea.
Rhiannon Prytherch, 28, an actress and theatre manager in Darby, England, said even if she was offered money, she would not sell her eggs. "It doesn't feel like a commodity that should be profitable," she said. "I could never charge someone for that."
But Prytherch said she might feel differently if she were the one needing eggs. "If I were a woman who wanted to have a child, I would be willing to pay."
Pacey said the U.S. clinic's approach risked turning human eggs into a commercialized product. "Having a lottery (to get eggs) is not how we do things in this country," Pacey said.
___
Associated Press Writers Brett Zongker in Washington, DC and Chonel LaPorte in London contributed to this report.
Copyright 2010 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
16:48 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 1,046
Damn Brett!
He gave his account information to someone else in our alliance on a game we play together.
A guy at that!
LOL! He was asking me if I wanted to get freaky tonight and crap! LOL!
Hahahaha! I knew it wasn't him when he didn't know what YIM was! Everyone who gets close to me or uses the application knows what it is!
God, I've been cleaning all day and I'm still not done.
I need to return my mom's carpet cleaner this week for sure. Ugh! Every time I clean it up and have it in the car... Aurora does something to stain the carpet again!
It's to the point, my mom asked me if we broke it.
No, but it is getting on my nerves that I can't stop using it!
So I did Aurora's carpets this morning while she had her morning snack. I'm planning on doing the carpets in our living room and one section in our bedroom. There's the landing where she spilled kool-aid today that I got up but haven't scrubbed yet.
I'm trying to get everything and anything done. I still haven't even had the time to finish decorating for Easter.
I'm thinking about what the heck we can have for supper tonight.
We had pork chops and corn yesterday.
Day before we had spaghetti.
I'm not sure what I can get dethawed in time. I should have set something down this morning but didn't.
I'm thinking we possibly have a casserole type dish.
Brett cooked last night because I was hurting too badly and was absolutely exhausted.
Breakfast, Aurora and I had eggs and toast. She had teddy grahams for her morning snack. When she wakes up from her nap, we're going to have some sandwiches or fruit. Which ever she wants to have. I think the apples and bananas will overrule though.
I can't quit feeling so exhausted though. It's always midday I feel like crap and some times I just fall asleep during Aurora's nap time and can't wake up until I hear her moving in her room.
*sighs* I think I need to talk to my psychiatrist about it. I'm not big on talking to my regular doctor about things like this because he tends to play it off as nothing.
I know I'm depressed. How can I not be right now? In the past year alone...
1. I lost my Grandma.
2. I lost my best friend, John in the beginning of November.
3. Brett and I almost ended.
4. The whole love/hate relationship I had on the side.
5. My best friend, Courtney passing away in early February.
6. I just failed something in the past two weeks because I couldn't concentrate.
7. My anxiety.
8. My nightmares reeking havoc every time I fall asleep.
So a lot of things to weigh me down. My concentration was crap for a while because I didn't have my Zoloft. I went from 200 mg to absolutely nothing.
I have a lot of things going for me though. Including:
1. I can step on the back porch for like five minutes before I feel like I'm going to faint.
2. I'm getting on myself about repeated exposure and not letting myself give up.
3. My daughter is getting so smart, strong, beautiful, and she's my inspiration and motivation.
4. My Grandma, John, and Courtney are not suffering and they each went peacefully and content.
5. Brett and I saved our relationship and are doing like we were in Nashville.
6. I'm sure I want to get better.
7. I've been doing good in most of my courses.
8. I have a great support circle I can rely on.
9. I'm writing in my journal so much more and taking the time to express myself through methods other than just writing in it.
10. Getting to see bits of my true self here and there. So all my effort and strides are not for nothing!
♥ So the good overrides the bad you see.
I'm okay. I'm alive.
I'm not living yet and far from it in my eyes, but I am starting to get better.
That means the world to me.
13:45 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 1,051
I'm doing okay, I guess. I just got rid of my couch yesterday. Lots of memories attached to it that just reinforced my decision to get rid of it. I get emotional over the smallest things. I mean seriously, I keep things because of one little memories attached to them.
I still have the room number slip from when Tommy and I were together.
I have little trinkets and things from when Brett and I were first together.
I have a cheap necklace from a quarter machine that my Grandpap got for me at More-for-less.
I have tons of things that remind me of my daddy. I have a cheap necklace I made for him that he had to wear around his wrist because his neck swelled.
I still have and still sleep with my baby blanket. I will never get rid of it.
I have a stuffed clown named Mr. Bubbles. I hate and love him all the same. My dad got him for me but someone bad used Mr. Bubbles against me.
... I still believe that clown knows what my thoughts are and will "report" them.
I have TONS of stuffed animals. I won't ever get rid of them. I have them from since I was little. Christmas presents, Easter baskets, trips to the mall with Courtney, claw machines, I won some with my nephew at the fair, Tommy Bear, Eric Teddy, Scope, Brit-Brat, MY SCOOBY DOO from my daddy before my surgery on my heel-cords, best friends in high school that aren't anymore, and lots more.
I hate getting rid of things that mean so much to me.
That couch has been a part of me since mid-pregnancy. Brett found a way to get it and a loveseat since I was having problems getting out of bed.
It's frame was broken though where the springs attached. We don't have the money to get it fixed. It was killing my back.
It has memories of me and Brett, Anthony at our apartment in Nashville, Nashville period, Tyler, Aurora, my pregnancy, and I hate to admit it... Tony.
That last one is the reason I was okay with it going. I've gotten tired of seeing where I put my name on my couch because of a silly little argument between me and him.
So I traded my couch for our loveseat. The one where Aurora has slept countless times, Tyler always slept on, Courtney's fave when she stayed, memories of me and Brett, Anthony, memories of my Grandmama, and so much more...
I think I can deal with this...
I cried yesterday and a little last night.
But we have so much more room. We got a tall media shelf that's huge. It stands about nine feet tall... we have ten foot ceilings. LOL!
I'm already making the one part of the living room into kiddy corner for Aurora.
I hope she likes it when it's done.
:-)
I've been working on my homework. I've been doing things around the house. I went out yesterday... to the Social Security office.
I was nervous, I was scared, I was fidgeting the whole time, and I got what I needed to get done, finished.
Repeated exposure... repeated exposure... repeated exposure.
I need to remember it. I need to remember the whys of me getting better. I need to stick with it.
My psychiatrist can't just medicate me and me avoid everything.
It needs to be him medicating me so I can face everything and eventually get better.
I need to go and give Aurora a bath. She's bouncing on our bed as I type this. LOL!
I'm alive. Later.
19:31 Mar 14 2010
Times Read: 1,061
I've gotten a lot done since we've gotten the internet back last night. I'm scared I'm not going to finish though.
All I can do is keep at it until 11:59 pm and know I did all I could.
This past week alone is worth 45% of my grade.
Damn AT&T!
20:38 Mar 13 2010
Times Read: 1,074
I'm on a neighbor's weak wireless signal at the moment to type this.
This week is my final week on my operating systems class. We have no internet right now. Our provider is AT&T.
This is ridiculous!
I can't go outside for this. I know the hot spots are there but how can I even do that considering right now I'm so scared to leave the house to go to my car, let alone leave for McDonalds to use their internet for hours.
On top of this, we've been getting charged an extra $35 a month since November for long distance services we DON'T have!
What the hell is going on with AT&T!
I'm tired of this shit!
15:45 Mar 12 2010
Times Read: 1,079
So freakin' blahish. I got my period this morning. I want to go back to bed. Yesterday morning, it hit me hard that my best friend is really gone. Brett and I are thinking of doing something and I went to call her. Only after her cell phone rang once, did it hit me she passed away. I really want to take picture of my handwritten journal from yesterday. I'm not sure whether she would like it or not... but I guess that's more self-doubt than anything since she always loved anything I did.
I still have homework to get done... so I'm getting to it. I want to be able to write some more today. I've started picking up on stamping. I need more ink pads though.
And so many things are happening one after another, all stressful, all are making me want to hide, and yet, I actually went out with Brett yesterday to the college... I sat in my car with Aurora but I was outside of the apartment.
I'm kind of proud of myself.
Plus I cleaned out my car, which really, really, really needed it!
And just a heads up, I'm taking a sort of break from here. I'm going to sign on for my messages, check my coven, and possibly update my journal. Don't get offended if I signed on and haven't messaged back.
=)
02:40 Mar 11 2010
Times Read: 1,096
Bah, just cut her head off!
-Thanks friend!
00:47 Mar 10 2010
Times Read: 1,104
Today has been a mixture of good and bad.
I woke up from a nightmare this morning. I was in the middle of anxiety attack. I woke Brett up and wanted him to get my anxiety pills from upstairs since I couldn't get up.
He couldn't comprehend what I needed.
Once done and sorted through all of that...
I needed to go to my psychiatrist.
I was okay, completely okay and even did my makeup... while singing and acting silly as hell.
Before I even got dressed or even really brushed my hair.
Those are all before before I had to leave. Before it hit me I had to leave the apartment. Before I realized I wasn't going to be inside my zone today. Before I realized I had to talk to people in person.
That's when Brett had to force me into getting out of the apartment. He left me inside the apartment by myself until I had to go outside.
I couldn't cope with it at all.
On the other hand, I love this picture I took.
16:49 Mar 07 2010
Times Read: 1,124
I swear that boy doesn't know how to keep his dick in his pants.
=)
Just waiting for him to catch a disease.
I think I'll actually laugh when I hear it!
Wow, that sounds horrible as hell, doesn't it?
I still have to wonder how my friend got TB so long ago. Most people don't even know there are still cases of it and whatnot.
I'm listening to "Alcohol and Bandages" by JamisonParker.
I feel like just drinking my thoughts away today but I won't. I can cope with everything if I give myself an honest chance. I'm stronger than most people I know but I shoot myself down before I even start out on coping.
Tuesday I'll be back on my Zoloft but a low dose again. Ugh! Bad thoughts for a while then. My mom already knows it. She wasn't too happy with me about running out but understands.
I'm happy she does.
I want to take a bubble bath tomorrow evening. I want to do my makeup every day even when I mess it up horribly! LOL!
OMG! Yesterday, I went to put my eyeliner on and it was melted. It looked like Brett gave me a black eye insanely. I couldn't get it off because it's the one I got for Courtney's memorial service. It took forever for me to cover up the redness and things afterward! LOL!
Good Birthday, Bad News Well Situation
03:03 Mar 07 2010
Times Read: 1,133
Even with my anxiety, I think today was the best birthday I've had since my daddy was alive.
=)
I had loads of fun at the Celtic Festival but ended up taking like six anxiety pills before the end of it all. We stayed from about one o'clock to five o'clock.
I loved watching the dancers. I got tons of pictures of them!
I really enjoyed the bagpipes as always. I've always been interested in learning to play them. Their head player lives in my city. I'm thinking of e-mailing them online and striking up a conversation.
I got to play with Tyler a lot throughout the day. That always makes me happy.
I got Brett something. I got Aurora a couple of things.
...And of course, I got me lots of things. But they're small things like crystals, a couple of necklaces, some trinkets, some pendents, and whatnot.
As soon as I got home, I ended up crashing for a couple of hours. Now I'm starting back up on my homework and cleaning on my breaks.
I'm so happy I went.
It did get way too crowded before we left! I did start freaking out but Tyler and me waited outside for my mom and aunt to pick up some food.
Now if only I can get better enough to go to one of the Murder Mysteries Dinner Theater next year! That would be insanely awesome! ♥
Oh and Brett's mom and sister, Kira are trying to get us to come down to South Carolina for Kira's wedding this month.
They want us on an airplane...
Yeah, right! I would have to be on tranquilizers the whole way there!
Or a Greyhound!
Heh! The same thing!
I can't cope with being in the car for more than 30 minutes anymore. What am I going to do on a bus with a crapload of strangers?!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
They didn't want to help us with the money months ago or anything. Why do they want to do so now?
And I'm pretty freakin' sure it's next weekend too!
Hell no!
Rant, Rant, Rant. Do I know how to do anything else?
17:47 Mar 05 2010
Times Read: 1,155
If I have anything to say about it, Jared's coming to stay with us for a little bit.
Even Brett agrees he has always been a safe point for me. He's always been there for me and I try to be there for him the best I can.
That boy needs some kind of stability.
At least it's the one of the few guys Brett won't ever get upset about walking in with me sleeping on the couch cuddled up in his arms. *nods*
Aurora loves him lots and lots! She'll be glad as hell to have him here for a few days.
My mom and stepdad are bitching about him having tuberculous. He takes his medicines. He's way past time of it being contagious. He keeps track of it.
Hahahaha! I remember how awesome it was when Jared and Kevin stayed the night at our Jaycee apartment! LOL! They so got drunk. I went to bed just in time to miss Brett and Jared kissing!
Oh I was pissed! ROFL!
Courtney was even more pissed about it! LOL! I remember me and her having late night conversations that I'm not entirely sure Jared knows about where we talked about how hot it would be if her and Jared had a threesome with another guy! Hahahaha!
I miss those late night conversations that I wouldn't dare having with most people who ever come into my life.
I remember the conversation about the Pringles can sized one! LOL!
We talked about everything coming and going. I'm still jealous about her going to the sex party up in Pittsburgh! LOL! I wish I could have went with her.
But anyway, Brett or I are probably going to get Jared sometime soon for a few days. We'll make sure he gets to work on time. He already knows the rules of our place.
We have some Bacardi 151 that I'm sure we can all have some fun with. ♥
Like I've always told him... getting drunk is okay with moderation.
I guess at least I don't have to worry about my Zoloft in my system?
I have to admit something though.
Since Courtney's death, I've been torn in so many of my decisions. If I listen to my personality disorder side of things, I want to be reckless. I want to follow the philosophy of "I just wanna have a good time and I will do anything for a good time!" If I listen to my wants with influence from my anxiety, I want to lock myself in my closet for days except for time to go to the bathroom and have Brett slide food under the door for me. If I let my depression rule, I want to self-harm.
I feel like I'm completely off the path I'm supposed to be on.
I'm too terrified to even make any decisions. I feel paralyzed. I feel incapable of making the littlest of decisions.
I just want to be a vegetable right now so I have no decisions to make at all.
To me that would be better than living day after day feeling so paralyzed in my actions and split between the simplest of decisions.
I can't find an equal medium on anything at the moment.
I'm trying to devise some kind of plan.
I'm scared of tomorrow coming. Can my mom handle dealing with my anxiety if I have a bad attack?
Brett's had to get my anxiety pills out of my pocket before and literally force me to sallow them.
Does my mother or aunt realize that?
I'm wearing my rosary around my neck tomorrow. I refuse to go without it. I'm going to have my Serenity Prayer bracelet on my wrist.
I'm thinking of packing my bookbag... my journal, my pills, a coloring book, crayons, an MP3 player and headphones, a small notebook with information in it on me in case something does happen, a drink or two, and something to fidget with.
I would rather be over-prepared than revert back and become scared to the point I've been before.
Please don't let me cry tomorrow. I can't handle people trying to comfort me... especially not strangers.
God, does anyone really know how bad I am? Does my family? My mom?
The measures above have been talked out with my therapist and my psychiatrist... recommended to be more precise.
Do they know that?
*sighs* I can do this!
04:37 Mar 05 2010
Times Read: 1,171
I had my therapy today. My therapist wanted me to stay longer. I found out they're having problems finding me a case worker that will be capable and qualified to take my case.
Yay! So great feeling like I'm a little bit of a lost cause. *sarcasm ends*
Brett gave me the other part of my birthday gift from him. He got me the Serenity Prayer on a bracelet for me. I really like it. He also let me get a thing for my journaling and a thing for the wall that says "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love Never Fails."
The Easter Bunny has everything ready for Easter "according to the letter I received."
We got something to send to Miss Janie. She's been a real inspiration throughout our whole relationship together. I'm so glad I got to meet her when we went to Maryland.
I want to see everyone up there again sometime soon. I know I can't handle it right now... especially that suspension bridge!
I've been working on my homework. I have a little more than I let on to my mom but she wants me to go out on Saturday with her.
She's taking me to a small Celtic Festival with my aunt coming too. I want to go. I would really like to go. I need to go. I am going.
Anxiety or no anxiety... I need to go to this to see just how bad it is and work on it.
The only way to get better from all professionals advice is...
REPEATED EXPOSURE.
*sighs* But I bet they never were scared of leaving their safety zone to the point of having breakdowns... I'm pretty sure that's a damn safe bet!
In the next week, I want us to get a family picture. Just something simple done at Walmart on the $4.99 special thing they usually have. I'm going to be careful about choosing the time for the appointment. I'm going to seem insane to the poor person.
There are a total of four kittens. There was only five. One is so tiny though but it reminds me of Sandy. I'm not sure it's going to make it.
Aurora doesn't know what to think about everything going on. She's excited about Easter!
... And she's picked up some "naughty words" off of other people.
I don't want to use the phrase "bad words" because no one word is bad. As I tell her, some words are not very nice and can hurt other people's feelings.
I'm excited about my Trigonometry this summer. I really, really miss doing mathematics. I've always excelled in it. I got my book this morning!
♥ Aurora got me these Funkys things for my computer to play games with her. I think she wants to play with them more than me! LOL!
I've been off of my anti-depressant since Friday of last week. I went from 200 mg of Zoloft to absolutely nothing. Nada. None.
I can't get in to see my psychiatrist until the ninth. I missed my last appointment because of Courtney passing and since I missed, he can't call them in.
I feel really depressed at times. I'm starting to cry for no reason at all. I've had some bad thoughts but nothing overwhelming.
... It's the reason I've been staying away from talking to most people right now.
I feel chaotic in my mind... no one should have to deal with that.
I got a notebook today from my therapist for my birthday since I keep up with my journaling. I'm thinking of writing about my beliefs in it.
:-)
I want to get a Bible for me sometime soon. One just for me that I can write in, highlight in, post-it note it up, and everything else.
Just mine. ♥
My mom got Aurora a Bible Story book for Easter. She's going to write in it for her. I'm really happy about it.
Like I told Brett, I think Aurora is going to know "Hail Mary" by the end of a couple of weeks.
I really like how there's a decade to meditate on each mystery. It gets me thinking about a lot. And there's different mysteries for each day of the week and five of them. So by the time, you're done, it is five decades of "Hail Mary."
I'm going to stop rambling about everything and anything for the night.
Oh one more thing before I forget, we're thinking of getting Aurora her own set of rosary and a wall rosary too.
18:41 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 1,187
It came. It's so gorgeous. The energy is strong and I've never felt anything like it.
I'm determined to learn to pray with it the proper way and develop my own way.
Like I said before, I believe if someone talks, God will listen.
It seems as though it's my turn to speak up.
16:50 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 1,190
Not good, not good, not good.
I can keep going. I can do this, damn it.
I'm going to take an anxiety pill. Go decorate Aurora's window with her for Easter. Wash the crayon off of her walls. Possibly vacuum her floor. Put her down for her nap. And go downstairs to keep busy until someone I feel I can talk to get online... well able to talk to me... or I can talk to Brett. One of the two...
I can do this.
I need to believe in myself.
Done, Done, Done!
15:05 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 1,192
Done list so far:
-Two assignments.
-Aurora's bathed.
-Breakfast done.
-Bathroom *completely* cleaned.
-Hallway crowded with toys tackled.
-Writing in personal journal is done.
-Read some of my one book called "Ana's Story".
That's how much I've done just since five o'clock this morning.
I'm going to get done. I know it. I feel it.
:-)
12:06 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 1,195
Playlist for this morning on my computer...
-The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
-Work It by Missy Elliot
-I Know What Boys Like by Lil' Kim, Jay Z, and Puff Daddy
-Lose Control by Missy Elliot
-Hypnotized by Notorious B.I.G.
-Oops Oh My by Tweet ft. Missy Elliot
-Big Poppa by Notorious B.I.G.
-Candy Shop by 50 Cent
-Tootsie Roll by 2 Live Crew
-Imma Bee by Black Eyed Peas
-Piece of Me by Britney Spears
-Break the Ice by Britney Spears
-Get on the Dance Floor by Ciara
-Know Your Enemy by Green Day
-Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce
-Gossip Folks by Missy Elliot
-Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too by Say Anything
-Carry Out by Timbaland
-That's Not my Name by The Ting Tangs
-Dollhouse by Pricilla Renea
-Scream by Zoegirl
-Gimme More by Britney Spears
-Click Click Boom by Limp Bizkit
-Buried Myself Alive by The Used
-Booty Bounce by DJ Funk
-Over You by Chris Daughtry
-If You Seek Amy by Britney Spears
-Starstruck by Lady Gaga
-Bootylicious by Destiny's Child
-So Human by Lady Sovereign
-Bang Bang by Lady Sovereign
-My Humps by Black Eyed Peas
-Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Fortado
-Fuck Me on the Dance Floor by Disco D ft. Princess Superstar
Wide range of music. All upbeat though and makes me want to move all the more!
:-D
Game plan?
09:57 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 1,198
Here in a bit, I'm going to be making breakfast for everyone. Steaks, eggs, and toast.
Once done with that, I'm going to do some of the dishes.
Give Aurora a bath.
Scrub her walls from the crayon she stole into her room. *Thank you for magic erasers! They have been amazing for these kinds of things!*
I'm going to upgrading and keeping up with my browser games throughout the day.
For lunch, it's going to be fruit for me and Aurora. Yum!
I'm setting out to do at least ten assignments done today.
I need to try to get pictures of the kittens so we can see who is taking which one.
I want to read some of my one book and write in my real life journal about it.
I want to figure out what's going on with our printer.
I need to fold and put away clothes.
For supper, maybe I'll bake the turkey in the freezer. Make some spice mixture to be injected into it. That sounds really good.
Oh and Aurora and I want to bake a cake. A yellow cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles to be exact. *smiles* Guess who is helping mommy with it?
I want to also start decorating for Easter today. Aurora didn't want to decorate for St. Patty's Day. We gave her the choice since Brett and I never really celebrated it with our families. Maybe we will next year or the year after when we learn more and more of the history behind it. I do miss green milk and cupcakes though. LOL!
I can't believe I've been up for an hour an a half before Brett needs to get up. Nightmares and I'm scared to go back to bed.
I guess this whole entry is my attempt at making a game plan for the day. LOL! Attempt... yeah.
It's all about the ATTITUDE! ♥
03:48 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 1,203
When someone hits a rough spot in their life, be supportive and don't think the worse.
It brings them down even more.
If they're hopeful, why can't you be? And even if they're not, be the light in their life and give them something to look forward to.
I've learned a lot in the past three years about living, faith, courage, love, true friendship, and death.
If you're going to be a friend to someone, believe in them. Don't bring them down. There's a difference between being dramatic and being realistic.
A huge difference.
It's like I don't need to hear people tell me I need to look to God to help me through my anxiety.
God will help me, if I allow him/her to and only if I work for it.
No lessons in life are free. Nothing in life is free. Even the simplest things have a price that is paid even if it is not noticeable.
Be a friend. Be there for them when times are hard. Support them. Help them. Listen to them. And be informed about what's happening to them.
Don't think the world is ending when it's not going to... and it's not even close.
Courtney found out right before her 21st birthday she had stage four cancer. To be specific, stage four small-cell carcinoma cancer.
She was one of the bravest people I ever had the pleasure and honor of knowing. She faced it every day with courage and faith in her heart.
Sure she had her bad days but even in the end, she was confident in her beliefs.
She is one of my heroes.
Most diagnosis and situations are all about a person's outlook and attitude.
I'm going to get better from my generalized anxiety disorder, my sexual addiction, my personality disorder, my post traumatic stress disorder and my major depression.
I'm going to get better. I'm going to reach my dreams and excel in everything that I want!
It's not arrogance or empty words anymore. I'm finding my footing and it's determination and faith in myself and another higher power that will guide me on my long, tedious path!
20:06 Mar 02 2010
Times Read: 1,209
The kitten didn't make it. We tried everything we could. Before we absolutely had to go to bed and leave the mother do her thing... I actually told Brett the kitten looked like a "dead cat lying."
"Dead cat lying" is a phrase my dad used when I was younger and couldn't or wouldn't understand the cycle of life and death.
I feel almost numb today.
I'm working on homework that I absolutely have to get done. I have twelve assignments left for the one class. And I need to count up how many is left for the other one.
I need to get my ass in gear.
I fell asleep for like 30 minutes a little while ago.
My dad was lecturing me for trying so hard when my instincts told me the kitten decided it wanted to go. Courtney was playing with the kitten.
I'm going to work on my homework because even though my Rosary beads are for my birthday, I feel like I need to work for them.
:-)
Brett already knew it before he told me to get them. He had money stashed away and just didn't know what to get me.
I love him so much! LOL!
He's my Meanie Mouse always! ♥
05:57 Mar 02 2010
Times Read: 1,224
One kitten probably isn't going to make it through the night. I'm crying and I';ve had to take anxiety pills. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn between leaving matters to the mother kitty or staying to try to help and make everything harder on both of them. I just don't know.
22:00 Mar 01 2010
Times Read: 1,237
My premium membership expired today. I used the money I had for it to get Aurora clothes for the year. I'm not upset about it or anything.
I was actually debating about letting it lapse for a little bit. It's refreshing to know who has been on my profile, rated me what, read my journal, and whatnot. It's a relief in a couple of ways.
I'm back playing one of the browser games I had left. I've missed playing it. I'm already climbing up the ranks quickly when I joined about 24 hours ago. I'm already in an a kick-ass alliance that I like being a part of.
I can't wait for my rosary to arrive here. It had free priority shipping on it.
My birthday is this Saturday and I'm pretty much indifferent about it. I'm missing my daddy more. It's hard to realize I won't even get a phone call from Courtney. I want a hug from my Grandmama. I want advice from my Uncle Jeff. I want cuddles with John. I guess I want a lot of things it's just not possible I'll get.
I know one of the smallest things I want for my birthday is to see the stars for one night. It's always cloudy during the night anymore. It's always snowing. I want to see those stars Courtney missed so much when she lost her sight.
I feel so selfish for missing so many people who have left my life. I feel like I'm in a state of self pity for missing them so much. But I know I remember them in the best of ways a lot of the time.
I'm thinking more about what I believe in more in this week than ever in my life. I won't lie or anything. When it comes to my beliefs, I don't honestly know what exactly I believe in. I know more of what I don't believe in and that terrifies me.
I believe there is a God.
I believe all religions are connected in the end.
I believe that the multiple Gods and Goddesses that some religions believe in are different aspects of one God.
I believe the God does not a gender.
I believe God will help us have faith when we need it the most and that God will help us as much as we're willing to help ourselves.
I know my beliefs in the end are more "Earthy" than anything.
I believe everything has energy.
I believe a rock can hold emotions and have a soul.
I believe that when someone dies they can visit those they love the most a couple of times before leaving.
I believe in guardian angels.
I believe in spirit guides.
I believe people can "see" or "sense" things in the environment around them.
I believe people can have foretelling dreams.
I believe religion is a great thing, but people take too many things personal and literal.
I believe I have a connection with animals somehow. I know I miss my wild skunk.
I believe in writing letters to those who have passed, burning them, and the smoke will carry the messages to them.
I believe in the afterlife.
I believe in different planes.
I believe in reincarnation.
I believe everyone has a purpose and everything happens for a reason.
I believe there has been many watching over me throughout my life.
I believe God or "someone" is watching out for us because every time I've really needed something and tried to get it with no real possibility of getting what I needed... I got it from another source.
I believe you don't have to go to church to pray.
I believe if someone talks, God will listen.
I believe people misunderstand everything at one point or another.
I believe I need something to believe in right now or I'll relapse more than I can handle.
I believe the strongest aspect of my personality is the same that causes me so much pain... that is the urge and need to help others whenever I can.
I believe in the famous saying from Albert Einstein, "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."
I believe the only way to change the world is random acts of kindness every chance you get.
I believe in listening to what nature has to say and that all things from nature can help a person in one way or another.
I believe in making friends with trees. They make better friends than any person ever could. They love cinnamon sticks and apples.
I believe in multiple soul mates. That belief is complicated.
I believe I can overcome my anxiety but it's going to cause myself more pain and grief then I've ever experienced. But I know my family and friends will be there for me and more importantly my journal and God.
I believe in familiars. But not just in the sense of "magick" or magic.
I believe spells can work, it depends on the energy, beliefs, and your own efforts.
I believe all spells, prayers, lighting candles, rosary beads, etc are the same classification and that's being a ritual of some kind.
I believe there is no good or evil. There's just grays. Sometimes it's just more dominant than the other and that's where the concept of good and evil came from.
I still believe in fairy tales and leg popping kisses.
I believe the rain can wash away so many negative emotions.
I believe colors can affect our moods and thoughts to a certain point.
I believe our environment can have a huge affect on ourselves as a person.
I guess I believe a lot that has nothing to do with religion but a lot to do with how I see the world.
Like Courtney always said about herself...
"I love and hate everyone I don't make much sense =]"
COMMENTS
-
Angelus
00:55 Apr 01 2010
I'm depressed.
I'm grieving.
I find it hard to sleep and, impossible to relax.
[my mother died]
To see tomorrow, with contentment, look forward to one thing.. one little pleasant distraction, from there, you work on the next.