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So when you feel like ripping off limbs, predominantly your own, and then using your now torn off limbs to throw said removed appendages at passing cars. Whats to be done? other than nothing.



But anyway, im stuck in a rut, plus it the internet, im alot happier off the net, i just use cyber space for whinging. But the rut is as such that im whinging alot in my day to day life. NOT a good sign.



Hence, im aboiding ppl, my mates shouldnt have to put up with my shit. I dunno, ive been like this since Holly left me, despite being mostly over Holly, something about having a girlfriend leave me, its perverse, something about us, like her leaving becuase of misunderstanding and not knowing me as well as she should, its wrong, feels wrong.



But yeah its fucking my mood, combined with how shit uni is this year for the simple reason that i just dont get it, last year i did no work and still pulled a distinction average, but this year i go to queensland for a wk (gig's and all) then i come back and uni makes no sense, ive lost the plot (and my girlfriend dumps me cause i was away too long, go figure) yeah, its just not working. I went to a party last night, one of joss's parties, and i couldnt get into it, i only really sociolized after my mates left so i had no choice, which is very bad cause usually im really good at Joss's parties.



It was amusing watching my best mate starting something sweet with my X, jaki, it'll be good for her. He's well innocent and sweet, they'll do real well together. Thats my high note. My low note, my phone broke last night, so when i finally haulled myself out of bed this morning to go to class it was half an hour late, unbenowns to me, which resulted in me getting locked out of my research methods class, which i need to attend for the coming lab report which i only have a week to write, fucking lab reports, i hate math reports, anything else is great but fucking maths.

i realise i dont trust most ppl's opinion of women, they think the lead singer of the pussy cat dolls is the hottest thing around. Fucking fools.

Im in another of my states of doubting everyone cause their all so everly insincere (cant spell today) i had innumberable thoughts before, but the whole walking to uni just to write shit into a computer is a put off so i wait and because i wait i lose the thoughts and now im just nothing in my mind or in my mood.



Yeah holly left me to boot (1st time anyones ever broken up with me, i had no idea it hurt so much, god im a cunt!), WOOT!!! its the few times i have actually liked someone that it goes to shit, or so it seems. If i dont want em, they throw themselves on me (dont get jealous, girls throw themselves on me TILL they get to know me, then suddenly, they all lose interest cause im never what they suspected and dont fill alot of box's on the average boyfriend criteria, plus of those girls i have only ever asked 3 out, which kinda shit's those i dont).



Anyway im rambling, i just feel like its so pointless right now. See, i've dedicated my life to people, i did ages ago as i've found nothing else (bar music) thats worth investing life into (and im a hopeless muso) hence why i did youth work and am now doing psychology, i cant see any other path worth taking as everything else would be pointless vanity to me and i have no aspirations for money nor possetions, infact im heavily anti capitalist, because all i want is music and people, both of which are fucked up by the selfishness that infects this culture.



So yeah, right now it all feels shit cause people always treat me shit and use me for their ends. Im no better, much as i thought id grown, i realised im still wired wrong to really connect to people. I try but i cant, it just seems against my nature to relate like most do. I can have deep conversations but the surface stuff that largely binds many people eludes me, i can see it there, but i cant do it.



So it seems people just use and dont want anything real, lasting or unselfish, much as i've at times tried to give, its making me very disillusioned and so im thinking im wasting my life.

I wont end it tho, who knows what could happen next? or what lies beyond death? do i really wanna rush out when something dramatic could happen here and i dont know if anything better lies over there?

didnt think so.



Yet still i cant write.



Later people.

Peace

Dave

Well, no ones really writing to me anymore on this, kinda ood, i send emails and get no response. Probably cause i dont have time for it anymore.

Aside from that started writing a journal by hand, its so much more releasing cause i dont have the emotive block that i experience thru computers. But yeah, shits being dealt with so now the Holly issue aint worrying me.

Aside from that, dreams have been crazy and a big doof is on the horizon, shame i missed the opeth and pendumlum tickets