The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I guess I'm just a whiny little emo today.



I may or may not end up erasing this. Enjoy my whining while you can.





Flash…

Back…



Sixteen years old and already raging against the machine. Raised voices, locked doors, and padded walls. I barely knew there could be love without anger. And it was always my fault. Still is, but…



The voices are still raised, including the ones in my head. Managed to keep from getting locked up in years. Maybe I’ve just gotten trickier. Luckier. Maybe Marilyn was right. Now I just do it better, in smaller amounts.



And then I wonder why some people can’t live without the fist, without wounded pride or righteous indignation. I wish I could show them that life is hard enough without it. Short enough, at least.



You’ll never find me on some talk-show, blaming my parents for my mistakes. I’ve always made my own choices. But no person ever showed me how to stop hearing the voices after their mouths were closed. No one ever said “It’s not your fault,” without taking it back the next time around.



Pipe, to needle, to knife, to rage. Poor substitutes for a little peace of mind. I quickly learned how to indulge in distraction. Maybe that’s why I still can’t think clearly, or why I feel sick even writing this (instead of screaming, or laughing, or drowning in chemicals.) My therapist would tell me it’s healthy to write all this down. My therapist has no idea how this feels.

Okay, I’ve finally figured out what to do with my journal (mostly). Here’s a rundown of the sections:



1- Toxicum Seclorum -- This is where I’ll write about daily bullshit, personal thoughts regarding my life, and also anything related to VR/my journal.



2- Tego Arcana Dei-- This is where I’ll babble on about whatever has my attention at the time. It’s where you’ll find my deeper musings and observations on all manner of things.



3- Le Fin Absolue DuMonde-- In this section, Chaos shall be given reign. Open at your own risk. Who knows what kind of weird shit I’ll decide to throw in here…..



4-Poetry (?)-- The oft-requested “poetry” section (obviously).



I’m saving that last section for future use. Don’t ask.



I’m not sure how often I’ll update, but I will say this-- If I notice that people are reading it, then I will make an effort of update more.



And now, a brief disclaimer:



WARNING! If you read my journal, I cannot be responsible for any effects on your mood or sanity. Parts of my journal may offend you if you fall into any of the following categories: Christian, Satanist, Muslim, Jew, Atheist, gay, straight, idiotic, republican, neo-Nazi, Eskimo, midget, Storm-Trooper, construction worker, feminist, feminist-construction-worker, carbon-based-life-form. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.