Dove Wings23:34 Nov 09 2005
Times Read: 649
(((((THIS IS AN EXCERT FROM ONE OF MY BOOKS))))))))
Chapter 1: Razors
Imagine your whole body numb constantly. Your soul feeling like a piece of glass and you can't scream for someone to help put you down. Imagine that there are no more words to use to express to your therepist about your feelings. That they've been changed around to say the same thing every week and still no progress that has been found in your heart while he's saying "good" all the time. There's an imaginary gun pointed at your head as soon as you wake up. With each passing of the sun, the safety comes off just for you to wonder how long it would take before someo nenotices you're not standing in lunch with them to get food. Tell me, how would it feel if you couldn't express how each tear burns the cheeks your parents kissed.
Can you feel the burning of sorrow for another day?
On one occassion, we've all been envious to be someone else. But have you ever been envious of someone's death? There's a list of ways to die, but only one way to do it. You can have a thousand numbered and still not find the one with the most grace to make it perfectly clear to all that know you. So every day, we burn.
When you were little, you and your best friend make promises to eachother about everything: from hotties and death. How many of them were forgotten? That one is usually alone and in more turmoil than thier poetry or art or fashion lets them on to be. They've got subliminal issues and they put it in everything. For example:
I have been given a great dream;
There are many people dieing all around me
And the air is filled with blood and white smoke
I've become a hallow figure, choking on tears
With my arms wrapped around you,
Because of the great memories you've given me
How sweet the kisses were from your lips
And gentleness from your heart to your heated touches
Helping me through thickness and fears.
The wind began to blow through our hair as the sun began to come up
Through the trees and over mountains
To the base where the vines have begun to bloom
I can still see your reflection in my golden cup
Your whispers hold on through me like tar without the suffication;
Can you still hear me blink velvet?
Sitting in the mud, our bodies soak up the blood around us,
Shaping the aura we share
Sifting through the ashes of sanctuary
Pulling at the roots of judgement
Begina Armegeddon,
For you must have missed us.
I hold your head to my neck for you
Can you hear my heart beating as I hold you tight?
Ignore the shadows behind the lids you should raise
And take your wrists to bending
Reach deep into the heart you have for me
To know I'd release myself to have you move forward.
And remember the way you held me once
I thank everyday that you have wrapped youself around me
And every kiss that these dead bodies couldn't fathom
You are my heaven and I hope you know you've been one of my angels
That have saved me from myself so many times.
I found this on the computer in school under a girls long list of poerty hidden under fifteen other file folders before it. Yes, I know. Pervert looking in girls locker room junk. Nope. Not really. Just curious about someone. The title was really nice. Lucky Number Seven. And my first name happens to add up to the number seven on one level. Add my whole name up; Jack Alexander Desh and you get the number one. supriemness! Something like that. But just think of it as what you will. This girl wrote a suicidal looking poem about a break up right? No! It was about loving him so much that she'd forfiet hers for him to continue.
This little ray of sunshine happened to move in next door to my best friend, who happens to be a hermaphodite.
No, not the dog, jackass.
It's name is Paul, or Paula. And Paul is a fat man with breasts that carry pierced nipples. There ya go, that's why I call him a hermaphodite. For christmas, I baught him a bright pink bra that glowed in the black light. In good, yet distgusting humor, he tried to give me a lap dance in it and I squeamishly and respectfully denied the offer. I would rather be ass-raped by a a squid. He's the only one so far to have contact with this girls family over the past week. Everyone else just stares. Her father said to be a fake and her mother is absolutely nuts.
Their daughter was not aware she had detention for some reason.
Being the youngest out of four, I was contantly picked on by my older siblings as Desh Valley. Our house code name calling for uglier than the one with the paper bag over his head. Or if it's about a girl, Desh Valley means I'm not going to the Y because I'm gay. Clearig that up, i'm not sure. We'll have to figure that out together.
In an ice cold shower, there's no pleasure, right? Wrong. Indurance, ladies and gentlemen. I have successfully taken more cold showers than an eskamo than to my dear brothers and seven year-old sister. I've actually gotten used to expecting the worse to happen; keeps from getting my hopes up. Hence the reason to be a night owl while everyone else is still sleeping, except for my brother Joeph, who probably is on his computer having quite a bit of me-time with his hinternet friends.
On this particular Thursday afternoon, I was ready to finish my project of sketchings in the class of Mr. Rodi. A bunch of my curvitry in the shape of a key hole swallowing a skeleton key. We were being graded on our creativity. Lacking what most had, I figured what my creative specialty was, I though it would give me an awsome grade that none could withstand a chance at mastering. Close to the end of class, he had collected the wandering minds pages and let us have a bit of free time. The next day, nost of us were faltered. He'd decided to not get into the groove and give us our well earned marks, but hung the pages up on two walls. The wall of fame, and the wall of shame.
Guess where mine was.
The slithering beast managed to keep creativity inside the box.
"Reality is what I'm looking for. If you do not give me something real, it's over there." Everyone looked to the back of the room where his skinny, four eyed finger was pointing. "My clever little students, you do not want to pass do you?"
There ere a lot of moans in the room like a sea of surfing rushing in to crash against the rocks by the bay for the mid morning dew to fall from entity cheeks. In the heart of the scenerio was my graphic design. Another mark made on the matchstick to cure a defying tune. Surely I must have heard him right when he said to be as creative as you want.
"Mr. Desh, can you tell me why yours is up there?" He pointed to my piece. The feeling of everyone looking at me with disgust. Was he singleing me out by him, just because he dated my mother.
A voice chimed in from our casually famous jock with super sperm to have two kids with a coke addicted cheerleader. "There's nothing to it. Look, it's just a bunch of scribbles."
Everyone began to laugh.
A deep feeling of wanting to tear down the wall with my two angry fists rose. "It's not real? You can't see what that is?" I asked.
"I think I can." We all turned at an unfamiliar face in which had made a kitten purr beniethe a feather duster with green quizical eyes. "It's key in a lock."
Her voice reminded me of a line from a song about boys in the girls room, because she looked to entice. The waist length brown hair with purple blending streaks and the most interesting attire for someone who doesn't know the roots here yet. The short school girl skirt over fishnet stockings and chunk boots that buckled three times to the knees. And her spaghettii strapped green shirt and black fishnet tank top with her tattooed arms poked out. Black nails, bunched pracellets and four rings on her fingers. Black eye makeup under her eyes. Mascara on the luscious lashes, accompanied by a gold shimmer of eyeshadow in the corners. Very interesting to look at. There seemed to be razor sharp hidden wings beniethe her skin back there. Collassell's sexy sister was sitting a table away, with her table partners on the edge of the bench, waiting for class to rescue them with a bell.
"That's what it is isn't it, Desh?"
My name upon your lips brings a welcome cold shower.
I smiled politely to her in appreciation.
"Is that what it is, Mr. Desh?"
I nodded, trying my best to not get red. It didn't help matters much when he looked surprised to see her. As if she wasn't real. Our grand teacher. She looked around nearvously from the clock to the teacher below it.
For the rest of the time left, we got to listen to the beast talk about what was real and what is not. Or should we say, what he likes and what we like. The goddamn bubblegum on the bottem of my shoe doesn't nessisarily know what it's purpose is, yet there it is. My teacher doesn't know what art is. Through listening to his babble, I began to pencile on a fresh piece of paper I had in my sketch book. When class was over, I jumped from the bell. When you get lost in your art, you do not really know where the time goes to.
Three days go by and little Nadia Banks comes to me in lunch with her tray of dog chow she offered to share with me. THere was no reason for her to do this, but I accepted, to keep the offending demon at bay. My sketch book lay open before me. She saw my slow movements to turn to a fresh page but she put her hand on top of mine, asking me to show her what it was. My classic marks of tribal lay before us in the shape of a shroom. Images of a shrunken head was what it started off as. If you are one of the kinds, you know that it never really turns out like you plan.
"It's beautiful." She retreated her hand. The quizical look must have been sheer stupidity, because she replied with a smile. "The rose. Thank you."
Again the quizical look, this time failing. I could feel my ears burning as I pushed my few of the hundreds of braids behind them. "What rose?" I looked up. Nadia was looking at me with a look all men should know. The 'fucker, I know it was you' kind. So I fessed up. "You're welcome."
"I hung it in my locker."
Dear God, please save me from humility today.
Not to sound rude, but I think she's the stalker kind, but it didn't help if I stuck the damn thing there to prevoke it. Just wait; she's one of them one in a million that have multipule STD's and an eating disorder, which would explain the simple chest size of a model, but a little bigger. Or the reason she's covered in scars on her arm and back as self-mutalation, which I can't handle right now. I have to say no. Her pierced ears were small for her kind of pretty face, and I think she might have a little bit of a southern accent. Maybe they'll think you're sensative and you'll get lucky enough to have a hug that meant something.
Liar, liar; pants on fire.
Any touch from this beautiful creature and I'd be a waterfall in her arms. How could a pretty thing like this, be wanting to talk to me. Oh, yes, that's right. I'm the guy with half white, half black hair like Cruela DeVil. The touch of her soft hand reminded me of black sheets on a bed covered in thousands of rose petals with Type O Negative in the background. A four posted bed curtained on threee sides with black lace and every other pillow being black while the rest are crimson.
chapter2: Shadow Boxing
As the leaves fall from the great trees in the forest I emerge from the inside of a great thick Oak. The inside begins to heal itself slowly when I step out of it. Almost didn't make it. My body thuds to the ground in a heavey mark to lose my breath. Within my fall, I've seen two black cats sitting in th edistance, tied together by a chain. Thier mouths bleeding, dripping to create little puddles before thier feet. My brown eyes rolled to the back of my head momentarily. The wind in the distance carried my name. My fingers began to brittle, then explode to dust as the wind catches up to me like thick drops of honey sap. Again the wind brought my nam closer. As I continue to decay before this beautiful Oak. I scream in agony, for there's no worse way to falter in life, than to just disappear away. "please don't." I mumbled. The words came out as if a great anaconda were squeezing me in its coils. The wind carried a new message.
"Remember..."
The cats grew up to great panters. It's connecting chain busted, the blood becoming water. I fade away to the rays that ppk beyond the green canopy above.
The weekends were torture during the summer-like seasons. My mother took my little sister with her every where, but I've become accustomed to having an escape route set up when I hear them pulling out of the driveway, and my three older brothers are hunting me down. It's a good thing I can still fit through the busteds part of a window on the far side of the basement. I blocked my side off with lots of blankets and wood. But this time, I didn't manage to come back uncut. My right shoulder took a jab as I rushed to move up. I could hear them hooping and hollering as they ripped open the basement door. I grabbed a fairly clean piece of good material and ran out to the open woods holing my shoulder. Being seventeen and still running from everyone you know, it's hard to stay focused. Makes you angry. Makes you bitter. Makes you weak, until you snap and you don't know how it happens to end, but it does and then you have to answer for what you've done.
Well, that's my problem. I remembered things I've seen, things my brothers have done and none of them realize my exsistance as a human being.
There's too many ways for things to go wrong in one split second, so what do I do? I paniced. I ran. I ran hard and fast to the deepest part of where I could go. In the distance, I could hear them on thier four wheelers svreaming. This is it. I'm toast! Joseph found me first, then the rest of them fallowed, getting stuck half way, then ran on foot after me. Considering how I've ran through this forest many times. I know it like the back of my hand-so do they.
I didn't count on them knowing it better. Which is exactly what had happened. I forget sometimes just how good they are, considering they've hunted deer back here, was thier only reason. To my dismay, I looked behind me, because knowing Arther, he's an excellent shot and distance runner; I hated running from him the worse. If he caught me, I ws going to be squeeking like a chew toy. His long legs cleared over the huge log I went under like a ferret. I have no idea this time if they've frozen thier paintballs, but I'm not about to ask them if they did; I'm not out of here. So, remember the moment when I looked back? Well, that good old tree limb jumped out in front of me and I smacked the side of m cheek into it. Yeah, I was in trouble now. I'm on the ground bleeding, panting, and holding my ribs from the increase in cold air making me choke. I was not a happy camper.
Arther came to me first, hollering for them to head our way, which they did as soon as they could I'm sure. His voice just above me as he squated over my body, waiting for him to just get in over and done with. To my dismay, he waited until they were surrounding me before they continued the torture put off from last time.
"Today, Desh, the foolish genitalia, wil be cstrated in the name of all that is good."
The hooted in unison like thieving wolves. "Does the victim of the council have anything to say for his last words?" Joseph asked the air.
"Mommy isn't going to help you this time, bub." I hated when he calls me that.
"Pussies." I exhaled hoarsly through a whisper. Once in my great error, they laughed, throwing thier heads back, smacking eachothers arms. I used this time to kick Arthor in the groin and grab Todd's danglingpaintball handgun where I shot one in the inner thigh and Joseph in the ear. I really was aiming for his eye, but that just goes to show how poor of a shot I am. They all began to stumble as I scrambled up as far as my hands and knees for the beginning minutes to the point where I could get away sort of. My legs were sore from pumping and jumping, dodging and scraping. A far distance seperated me and the house, so I detored to the left and South. If I can make it just right, I'd have enough momentum to just fling myself to the rope I rigged up three weeks ago-that's if they hadn't cut it down already.
Arther ws creaming obsanities at me while ordering the rest of them to keep after me to rip my insides out. Too late, I was already moving. In the long run, they managed to come out of left fieldto catch up with me as I jumped the edge and captured the rope to drop on the other side. At the other end, I watched them come to a dead end hult as the long piece of wood at the base smacked Joe in the nose just as he came into view and Todd tripping over him to splash in the water below us. I landed wrong, which led to bucling of the knees. With much distance to carry, I have succeeded in our running my elders. With a smile I limped back to the house.
By mid fall, I'd become regular at Nadia's and the three of us ended back at Paul's. I refuse to welcome them to my house. One, Paul will never survive my brothers and my little sister would probably hermit herself like me. And the other reason is a nice pair of green eyes beniethe black velvet lashes. I'm pretty sure the main reason is Paul though. I don't like to enter others into my web, so I kindly leave the forest.
Paul lives six miles from me, which is closer than others, but he's still my neighbor. The other side of my house is an over grown cemetary ten mils away fulll of trees and such. I have to take a dirt bike or four wheeler to his place. He has an old beat up truck that pops every now and then. It's really annoying to hear in the background of my Crisis albums. That's how we met. His truck died a mile past my driveway into town and I happened to be out from falling out of a tree when he was passing by. He picked me up and I helped him push his piece of junk blue and gray meterial back to his house. I had to call my mother to come pick me up. She wasn't happy with having to come get me, because I promised to be there to help unload groceries. On the other hand, whin I got in silently, she wondered what the man with his belly hanging out of his dirty wife beater was thanking me for. So I had to tell her.
Note: I left the falling out of the tree part. Since then, I've been going back to see Paul and his rust bucket.
Those uncomfortable silences came when Nadia started driving me home after hanging out at Paul's. It has been the first time we'd been alone in my house afterwards too. My family had gone out to see my grandparents and waere enteretaining thier ideas. She needed to use the bathroom. Like the good person I am, I let her in, thanking the great guy for not having anyone here to know I have a life. When she was done, she saw me wandering through a bowl of fruit where I was looking for grapes. She asked to see my room out of curiosity.
"Curiosity killed the cat." I replied, hoping to discourage her.
She didn't care.
So onward we went to my dungeon. Past the piping and through the blankets. "Where's the shackles they put on you when the sun goes down?" She giggled. Her eyes were adjusting to the black light that mine had already done. She could barely make out the scenery that i'd painted on the wall of a huge rose with water droplets on it. I could imagine Nadia in a chainmail dress with her arms waiting for me to embrace her like a lover. Yet, she stood before me in a pair of tight jeans and a blood red tank top covered in orange fishnet tank top over it. Those beautiful hands touched the black rose, looking up at it. Her shiney long hair dipped past her buttocks. And before I could realize what I was doing, my eyes strayed all over her body. Her legs were snuggly hugged by that damn denim, making a guy think those thoughts we know we shouldn't. I knew I shouldn't because I had no intention of ruining a perfectly good friendship.
She turned back to me and I was busted. What was I to do? I'd seen everything down here a million times and this new creature before me in my own domain gave me ideas. So I made up for it by telling her she had the longest hair I had ever seen in my life. Yeah, it was cheesey, but it's half true. Most girls out here cut thier hair short. And a beautiful head of hair should not go unlooked. I was let off for now. Her fingers reached out to my hand and looked at them. Ice cold. I could tell that this shocked her.
"Cold hands, warm heart," She smiled up at me. "Right?"
"Yep."
I can't remember the last time someone willing to touch my hand without a brutal intention. It felt so alien, I wanted to pull away before I knew what to do. My heart skipped a beat and I half gasped. Nadia looked at me, but I played it off like I had a healing bruise from falling up the stairs. She blew me away when she kissed it so softly. Get out before you've been defiled. Just get out. My aching need brought my other hand under her chin so that I could kiss her on the mouth, but I kissed her on the forehead. Hers caught mine and we were shadowed with the irridecent glow from above. The faint Type O Negative in the background seemed to have disappeared for hours, but I pulled away slightly. "Idon't want to hurt you." I could see the look of hunger in her eyes and she was moving close in. "I don't want to damage our friendship, Nadia. I'm sorry." My shakey hands took hers from around my neck, only I still held them in mine. I don't know why. I should let go. I should step back. But I couldn't move. Her soft lips had me perellized in positioned. I wanted to faint.
She kissed me on the cheek before she let herself out with a warm good-bye. "See you tomarrow."
Oh God, school. I still had an essay for English to compose. It was for a final grade It added ten points to our grades; depending on what kind of grade we got when it was done. I couldn't get my mind off how sweet her lips tasted as I licked them in nervousness. Damn, you jackass. Get yourself together! But I couldn't forget. And when I fell to my boxspring and mattress on the floor, my head caved in with eroticness behind lids.
I woke up with the largest erection I've ever had in my entire life. It was aching with need, it hurt. I had to talk myself down for an hour before I could get out of bed.
Chapter 3: Light of Heaven's Door
Being chased through the woods and smacking into the tree limb wsn't bad enough. I had to deal with the ending results when I went to school to be questioned by my teachers. And each time, I tried to keep the story the same. I don't know if it changed. They've never been to my house when it's just us, so they had no idea what I was lying about and what I was trying to let out.
Mr.Rodin wasn't buying it though. He dated my mother for a consecutive week and a half. He knows everything about my brothers. He'd watched me take off from them one night when he was dropping my mother off after a nice candle lit dinner in the park. Unfortunately, he was so shocked on our behavior that he asked my mother for just her friendship. In the proccess, he's been trying to help me out with my personal life, but has come up empty handed at the gold mine. The moment he walked out on my mother for her childrens actions made me turn the other cheek. Doesn't help that her kids have three different fathers.
Joe, Arther, and Todd have a convicted murder felon father. Jamie has a romantically enticed father who Cranked himself to death, and my father is the one she's married to. The business man who's so close to his job, he's never home.
The beast asked me why I was so swollen when he pulled me out to thehallway. My eye was almost shut. Blinking hurt the worse, but when the sun popped out from behind the clouds is when it hurt the most. I felt like Dracula caught staying up past his bedtime. The look on his face as he shook his head back and forth. "Why don't you fight back?" I looked him dead in the eye. Straightened my shoulders and ran my hand through my two-toned braids. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say now. It didn't solve anything really. Just makes things worse. What am I supposed to do to keep them at bay?
I looked out the window next across from the classroom door when he didn't say anything for a moment. The reflection showed me the handiwork of bruises all over the one side. I felt like Dr. Jekel/Mr. Hyde. I've become a monster.
"Go down to the nurses office and tell her exactly what happened. I'm going to-"
"Oh my God." Nadia had her hand over her mouth as she walked our way. "What happened?" Her small hand went to touch my shoulder but I turned away from her. My back could do all the talking. "Jack, what happened?" Mr. Rodin told her to get along. I could hear her asking as she backed down into the classroom; repeating herself a couple of times.
He told me that he wanted to see an improvement on Monday. "Go right now, I'm not going to tell you again. You're excused for today."
So on to the nurses office I went. There wasn't much she could do for me, but give me asprin, put an antibiotic ointment all over the one side , and made me lay down for the next few periods. She closed the curtain around me as she turned the light out. I couldn't really stand being shut out, so I opened the curtain a bit to let in a piece of light on my face. I tried not to get any of the ointment on my fishnet sleaves if possible. Behind my closed lids, I imagined Nadia in chains, trying to sink into the wall as I came closer to her from beniethe the shadows. Her screams pierced my ears. I was a walking bulletonfor monster of the year. I didn't want her to be afraid, but she still tried to eat her way from me it seemed. A mirror nearby fell as I pounded my huge fists on the cobble stone floor. The shards landed mostly down, but those that landed to reflect light, I saw my hideousness in them. Hair in funny places, and te flesh mutalated as if I'd been burned.
I awoke to the sound of someone roughly opening the curtain. "What did you tell your bodyguard, little faggot?" Joseph whispered through his teeth. "I have to attend all my classes for the next ninety days. Thanls to you, they want to keep an eye on me."
I turned over to face the wall, smearing my ointment covered face into the stiff pillowcase.
"Just wait, faggot. I'm gonna make you scream your previously lived names, fucker."
The nurse came in the room to tell him he had to leave. "This is not a hospital, young man. You better go to class."
Nadia walked me to her car in silence. The ride home made me itch all over to tell her how sorry I am about earlier in the hallway. There was no reason for me to turn away a caring hand that I wanted to bring to my face. To make it better. To have her look at me and imagine what I didn't have floating my face to. She asked what happened when we came within the mile marker to my driveway. I slowly told her what happened, leaving out my heroics. I didn't want to sound desperate. But I did tell her I got away. The seat belt was killing my goudged shoulder. Damnit. Another slice fell when I finished my story uninterupted. When I was done, she asked if it would be alright to just drive down to her place for something that would help the abrassions on my face. I wasn't sure I should go and I told her that.
"I'm not gonna eat you, Jack. I'm trying to help you. Trust me, please." I could tell by the way she was gripping the stearing wheel that she was seriously disturbed. "It'll only take a minute." Those green eyes were sparkling in desperation. I know what it looks like, because I have it all the time.
I nodded to her agreement.
When we got there, she pulled me to the kitchen where her mother, Luna, was making cookies for the local bake sale next week. She offered a few to us, which I absolutely wouldn't turn down. Nadiea wouldn't let me eat them until she'd gotten her way with my new deformity. Luna brought over the aloe plant and her daughter opened a drawer to find some sissors. I stood there as I waited. When waiting was done, the cool gooey enzyme was smeared on. My face began to tighten up like a cold shower made it stud. I'm sure I looked like swamp thing's distant relative, because I saw what it did to her hands when she pealed the section in half. When the medical plant was put back in the window, Luna decided to ask me what happened.
I looked at Nadia.
She put a hand on her hip as she told her I had been an escapee from sibling torture.
"Dear Goddess," The woman whispered. "It's a good thing you're not like them." She commented. "A youong man like youo must have a good soul, otherwise Nadia would have left you to your ruin. Don't let your pride get in the way, hon." You're still young. And when you're young, you've got time to adjust. If it continues, let me know." And the conversation was over. I was on my second cookie now. The wonders of oatmeal and raisens. I wouldn't have had any other cookie. They taste even better when thire's whip cream between two of them freshly cooled.
I ened up staying longer than I thought I was going to when her dad invited me to play pool against him. After losing twice and winning once, I sat down and watched a graphic movie I'd never heard of before. It was about a ninja who felt displaced among his life, an washes away his sins through sexual pleasures until he found someone he didn't want to defile with his wickedness of seed.
I always thought ninja's were, I don't know, celibet to some extent.
Through the second make out scene I felt Nadia's hand slip into my own. I almost jumped out of my skin. After my nerves calmed down, I gave it a little squeeze. Out of the corner of my good eye, she resterd her head on my shoulder. I could feel the pseudo-mortal feeling seeping away. The side of my face felt forgotten. Her soft hair brushed my cheek as she settleed in a little closer, stretching out a little. I looked at her to discover a blanket tucked under her toe. I grabbed the other end close to us and drug it down to put over her. My innerds began to tumble a little to become shrapnel. How I've missed being arouond someone.
The end of the movie came and I felt breatheless. Nadia was asleep with her head in my lap, facing the television. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. There wasn't anything I'd do to trade this moment in for. Not even the respect of my troll brothers. And I too, fell to the dust sprinkled beniethe the feable demons of arousal. I feared to wake up with an erection jammed in her ear. Nope, I turned the televission off by the remote and put my head back again, listeneing to all the noises and movement in the house.
I opened my eyes to light pouring in from behind us through the open curtains in the dining room. Nadia's face came into focus as she reached behind my head to help me raise it out of the sleeping nerves. If not for her lifting it, I think I would have had to embrassly lundged forward. I think she would have looked at me funny for it. She smiled. "that wasn't so bad, now was it? You're face is looking much better."
"Apparently your parents still have a sex life." I told her as quietly as I could, rubbing the back of my neck gently to work out the kinks.
Her little face became instantaniously beat red. "Oh, I'm sorry you had to hear that. They're trying to stay young as long as possible." Green from the side of her lashes. "Hopefully, you won't have to hearit again next time." Next time? Due to my uncontroling efforts, she rolled her eyes. "Next time. I'll make sure they at least try to keep it down." She took my chin to look at her fixing. Then nodded. "Come on, we gotta get it off before it stains. I can't believe we fell asleep."
Inside, I was dancing.
She allowed me to take a shower, telling me to wash my face three times. Once as soon as I get in and twice after I condition. I wasn't really worried about it, but I wanted to be perfect for her in every way. The hot shower in the middle of the day was the best part. I told myself that I better not get used to it. Turns out, she washed my clothes for me so I had to walk arouond for an hour or so in a damn rose petal pink towel. Sitting at the diningroom chair was a task I just couldn't wait to handle. Yes, for a few times I wanted to cross my legs. No lie. Can't help it. I'll never forget the laughter in the entire house from her as she watched me constantly shift in my seat. I think she drooled out some of her milk. I promisded to never let her live that down.
When my clothes were dry, she pulled things out of the dryer for me. I disappeared when I had my boxers and pants. I didn't care much for my shirt, but really I wanted out of the damn towel and into my jeans. She even took the belt off my pants for me. Personally, I think the thing could have used it. I came back out, scars exposed and all. She dropped my shirt, I do remember. I had to pick it up at her feat. I think her toenails were painted orange then. My whole body shuddered as I froze when her hands grazed my scars over my chest. The look of tears almost rumbled in when I finished getting dressed. My braids had covered my scars, but now that I came out, they were exposed completly.
Heaven help the grazing antelopes in the African field, holding the juice that crumbles beniethe the rough tongue. I stood tingling from the happy ending to a well fed meal. I'm still watching the kitten stareing up from the feather duster, batting at a loose shard.
Chapter 4: No Lock, No Secrets
I wasn't sure where I stood with Nadia or whether I wanted to really. I wanted to tell her she made me happy at every turn, but that would just sound like I'm the needy type and that's not what I'm wanting. There wasn't any reason for me to just get used to being alone. The factor of being alone for so long made me want to ignore life in general. And yet here we stood the only thing that could make me shatter to a million pieces. I noticed that she wasn't avoiding me most of the day that we spent with Paul camping at his grandparents grounds. So when we all went for a walk in the daylight we held hands as we waked among the trails.
Paul's humor kicked in and whe grabed my other one, skipping, tugging on my hand every ten minutes. And on he went to skip ahead of us, singing Knick Knack as he swung his arms and raised his feet a little more than a normal five year old would. Have you seen a fat man skip?
I knew I had her in my grasp, but I didn't want to crush her when I put her in my pocket. She was as beautiful and delicate as a soft red rose. I didn't want to create a mess with her as I took her slowly into my heart. I could tell she wanted something out of it, but what would happen if things didn't work out? I'm pretty sure I'd go insande. We've all heard the line that guys don't cry, but we do. We cry when no one sees us. Behind every wall in a house, there's usualy the insulation, right? Well, our tears are the insulation no one sees, except the ones that build us or tear us down.
The leaves brushed against eachother like wind chimes. Nadia's soft hair softly wrapped itself around her neck a few times, causing attention to dip at the base of her neck. If I wasn't careful, I'd embarrass myself. We could hear Paul humming nursery rhymes in the clearing ahead of us. We stopped, our hands wrapped around eachothers waists to watch a butterfly flutter around us. I lifted my hand to see if I could touch it, but it wouldn't come near me. It just went on ahead of us. So our walk beniethe the patches of light pouring through open spots in the leaves above continued. Her laughter was meledious. The free hand I hand picked a leaf off a tree to tear it as many times as I could with my thumb through it. When I couldn't tear it anymore like a lion, I let go of it to ride wildly to the ground behind us.
My nervousness wasn't as bad anymore, but my shyness seemed to be.
I could tell by the different ways she reacted to me and Paul that she was feeling right at home with us. Even her humor tried to tie into our but most of the time, she wasn't all that funny. When she laughed the last time in the open fiekd, she stuck a couple of buttercups behind her left ear. All she needed now was was a black panther curled around her and skimpy outfit to complete her looks.
Out of nowhere, a strong excrusiating stench surrounded us. I wsn't sure what it was at first, but the culprit was no further than two feet away when we beoth looked over to see Paul's shoulders shaking up and down and a shitty smile on his face. "I think I shit myself." He wheezed as he took a deep breath of it. A little ways away Nadia was turning green as she sat upgagging.
"You think?" She gaasped, pulling her white shirt over her nose. "That's nasty, man." We bothd did the same thing as he broke into a sinisterly deep laughter. "It's pretty bad when you can smell it."
The next day, Paul dropped me off at her place. When I found her on the couch alone, holding a pilllow up to her chest. Some sad hard rock was blasting from the surround sound system. I could hear it outside, walking up to her door. I didn't have to knock anymore, they'd given me permission to just walk in. They knew I wasn't going to steal anything. I knew my limitations. Just major stores and small cheep markets. I don't walk into Paul's because I never know what he was doing. For one thing, I don't think I was going to walk in on him having sex.
I asked her what was wrong. A few minutes went by before she moved her trembling lips to tell me that she had bad news about her father. I sat down near by so she didn't feel sufficated. When she didn't say more, I turned down the music. The plane was to land in Albany, New York. From there, he was to take an ajoining flight to Paris, France where he was to meet with new cunsumers for the company. Just as they were above the ocean the plane some how collided with another. It had crashed the day before we were walking in the woods. He was the third person they found. Most of them had been split to pieces or shredded. There were no survivors. The only way they were found, was from the previous radio emergancy frequancies picked up. Several of the seats that had floated to the top of the water had waists and headless or multipule missing limbed bodies. Her mother flew out to the coast to identify the body. When it was done, she called her daughter. That's when she told me she really lost it.
"Are you bleeding?" I asked gently as I could, without sounding accusive.
She closed her eyes and a salty tear fell. The look in her eyes that I could see was another desperation for reality to finally kick in. Her head slowly bobbed to answer my question. I went to the kitchen where I could find a dark blue washcloth to dampen so I could clean her wounds off. I took a tube of ointment and found some gauze and medical tape in the bottem junk drawer. I told her I was really sorry to hear about her dad. Then she started rambling on spacey-like about some of the best memories she had. One of them happened to be when she was busted smoking pot on the back porch and her father asked her why she was out there. He busted her for smoking a joint, but the best part was when he out stretched his hand to take it from her and hit it. He handed it back to her and walked back inside. After that, she found out that her parents were potheads from way back.
I asked her to pull her long brown sleeve up for me because I didn't want to hurt her doing it myself as I squated in front of her. I was a little angry for finding out that she'd done it, because she knew she could come get me instead of scarring herself up. I asked her to promise me one thing. Se wasn't sure what it was she was promising to, so she said she couldn't but would try to do the task. Ass I began to gently wipe away the crusting blook I spoke to her of the little duty.
"Don't look like me. I have enough scars to carry for the both of us." Some lump began to swell in my throat as I let out a little pice of me to this decaying creature.
"Would you still love me if I had more than these?" She whispered, looking at me.
As soon as she said the L word, I'd stopped and looked at the caution-like eyes. Then I went back to cleaning her arm off. There was more blood than I knew about when I turned it over. There were scars up and down it. They were so faint that I'd never really noticed them before when I became transfixed by her enchantingly distracting eyes. "Even if you had buck teeth, Nadia." I smiled at her. She gave me a side look as she smiled, rolling her eyes. "But you wouldn't be going near my pecker." I pointed the paper towel at her as I began to pat her arm dry. The smile widened. I think there was a faint glimmer of soft happiness for a second.
The bandages were on and I moved closer to her, holding her in my arms, resting my chin on the top of her head. "look. If you need someone to talk to, you know my number, right?" She shook her head. I'd have to give it to her before I left.
After a long silence, sweetly making my heart pound, she asked my a question I'd never been asked. The question echoed in my head over and over again if I'd stay with her tonight. When I didn't answer for a long moment, she asked in an earnest voice, adding please to the end of it.
I nodded.
Exsistance of a heart beat became unknown momentarily.
The couch was comfortable, so I figured I'd be set for a while. I swear she could feel the tiny hairs stand up on my arms because she pulled the blanket over us. I ran my arms up and down her arms gently, trying to warm her up. When there's a lose of blood, your body temperature begans to drop. The same thing when you're depressed or crying. All the humidities begin to drop instantaniously or very slowly to the point that you can't really handle it without some sort of comforting cover for it. I've always wore the long ways. Hence the reason for my cold hands.
The rose on my wall began to wither away to a brown root. Then bloom again as it regrew in my head.
She turned in my arms to straddle my lap before I could have any say, even though she did it very slow. Her sweet salty tear brewed lips covered mine. The nerves in my hands began to twitch to cover her back. At first they were slow brushes that lingered, gradually turning into a longer, higher rated kiss that I've never felt before. She was showing me something none of my ex-girlfriends have been willing to let me do to them. I couldn't control myself in the Southern route as my pants felt a little tighter as I swelled. One hand was on the back of my head, carressing my scalp slightly while the other ever so softly held the side of my face that the tree klunked. One hand stayed on her back while the other dug into her soft shiney hair. As slowly as I could, I worked my way around her waist as I carressed her hip.
Nadia's lips were still on mine when she unbuttoned her shirt. In her bra, her breasts looked bigger than they did covered up. The wonders of a band labeled push up bra. I watched her head lean back as I kissed the valley between her barely tanned breasts. I let her put most her weight in my hands between her shoulder blades in the little event. One hand dipped in front of her to rub her lower region through her jeans. A faint vocal intake of air going through her lips echoed off the high ceiling. I closed my eyes.
Her fingers eagerly began to fumble with my belt. Our clothes came off and we joined together as one soul. The first slide down shuddered me to the very soul. My hands squeezed her back, trying to hold her in one spot. I was afraid that I was going to release my seed before I could stop it. I almost couldn't. When I calmed down some, we began to spin in our heads. My hands had gripped her buttocks to rock her back and forth, then up anddown. Everything became lost to me. Somehow, we made it to the floor with my turn on top.
It felt like we were sharing one soul and I could take any pain she had. I felt as tall as the statue of liberty to stand by for her. Suddenly it occured to me that she might have been a virgin. She had to have been. I must have set some alarm off to her and she asked if I was alright. Here I was taking my time with us together like this, thinking she might be a virgin or only had sex once in her life maybe, and she's the one asking if they're alright.
I should have checked her first.
"Are you?"
Her green eyes were sparkeling with gloss and faded redness. It was either tears or the pot. Even though she nodded, I could feel as if I'd done exactly what I didn't want to do. I'd defiled someone pure. I took shomething very perfect and ruined it. I tried to calm down as I took her with my mouth with my own.
Her smooth legs wrapped tighter around me. This was a very scarey and very beautiful thing to see written across her face. When I saw that she was finished, I waited bit before I pulled out to pool on her belly, trying not to get it in her navel. The legs slowly released thier grip to allow me to get something to clean up with. I felt like an animal as I handed her a roll of toilet paper, but she took it with a soft smile that turned my stumach with self-disgust. How could you, I asked myself? My other hand offered her a glass of water she sat up to drink greedily.
The clock in the kitchen read almost midnight. Paul dropped me off around five. We'd been romancing for almost half a day. We'd returned our clothes before we stretched out on the couch beniethe the fleece wolf blanket when I asked Nadia about the thought that crossed my mind.
"It was my first time." She whispered.
All the blood froze in my body. "Why didn't you tell me, Nadia." She sure as hell didn't move like a first timer.
She turned in my arms to look at me. "I didn't want to scare you away. If you'd gotten scared, I wouldn't have been able to do it."
"It didn't really dawn on me until afterwards." The worrried look in her eyes while she played with one end of my white braids made me almost feel like a rapest. So many thoughts of the monstrosity that I've done hit me like a brick wall. What was I thinking? I wanted to leave. To run home the long miles until I fell on my old bed a dead man. Yet I took her closer in my arms, kissing her forehead softly.
"I didn't mean to scare you, Jack." Sarrow hints filled her voice.
"Why did you let me take it?"
Her tone wasn't nessisary because I knew what it meant to someone to share the same feelings. "I love you, Jack. ...I didn't want to scare you away." My arms wrapped around her tighter as I blurted it out that I loved her back, only more. I told her that I wanted her the moment I met her. She sighed softly, snuggling in closer. I wanted to shatter into incredabley small pieces of glass. What was I doing here with this wonderful thing in my arms? The thought brought tears to my eyes; knowingly let them fall. She knew what was up, for she kissed each of my closed lids before we calmed down.
I'm in deep shit!
I'm in love with a popped cherry. Lord God, please save me just this once. Give me the worse life, but let me make her happy. That is all that I beg of you. Spare us when the medior hits the earth for a new beginning. Let us be the new Adam and Eve. And that is how it felt. With her, my marks didn't matter any more. Mostly forgotten. The scenery was gone around us when we were together.
It was another day when we decided to become a couple. I felt like I was going to marry this wonderful creature I sketched in my basement smiling.
My mother noticed my mood change so she asked me about it. I told her I wasn't single. Joe pipped in from the livingroom to say, "Don't let him lie to you, Mom. He's in his room all the time, and when he's not, it's because he's running from us. He ain't got no girl. Little worm." She smiled at me smartly; asking who she was. When I told her she wasn't really all that surprised. She said she might have seen the family a couple of times in the local super market called Price Chopper.
But when there's good news there is alwasys bad news. "Did you know she lost her father?"
"Yes."
"Did you know her parents are freaking Pagain?"
"Yes, I did."
"Well, did you know thier daughter has been in and out of mental health institutes within the past four years and has been on suicide watch?" Umm, no. She'd politely left that part out.
"Thanks mom." I left her alone in the kitchen to her tea.
Chapter 5: Deep Impact
I wasn't sure how I was going to bring up the new material my mother had told me about Nadia. If I could do it without pissing her off, that would be great. But you can't avoid pissing someone off forever. I had to talk to her. There's always something, I'm pretty sure. So I brought her out to somewhere public to grab a bite to eat after school. She wouldn't want to cause a scene. In the middle of our eating, I took the plunge, hoping I wouldn't come out half drownd; starting it off that I didn't now that our mothers knew eachother and hers freaks mine out. A little ease on the tension as she gave me a smile. That's when I took the liberty to tell her that my mother was pretty nosey and hers told mine something pretty personal that concered me. When she asked me what it was with a worried look. I began to think that I was about to make a really big dent in our trust issue. I told her as I leaned back in the booth across from her, looking out the window
There was a slight pause before she said something that I did not expect.
"No. I was in an institute. My mother had found the best doctors where I could get the best help money could buy. She was with me every day, adding things to a shrine that bloomed over the four year period time. My mom was testing yours out, Jack." She took the cherry from her sunday between her teeth.
I think I dropped my spoon on the floor.
I was so relieved that I could piss, which I had to do anyway because I was becoming nervous about asking her all day.
I appologized for my mothers nosiness. It didn't seem to bother her really because she just shrugged it off like I'd just passed a test.
"At least you were honest about it being concerned. Ten points for the man in black." She flung a peanut from her sundae at me with her spoon. Judging ;by her aim, it was supposed to hit me in the forehead, not my ear. She was still wearing the gauze bandages, changing them every now and then. Taking it off every other hour for a bit.
By mid summer she was wearing tank tops with fishnet again.
As usual, good things have to come to an end and that's where fall folled into a cold gusty time. The leaves began to change like butterflies from thier cocoons and the acorns tumbled downt he branches like silk stocking, bouncing off cars as they went down the road. A path by her house held our foot steps faintly in the distant memories. She stopped at one of the trees that was almost as thick as her house. It reminded her of the plan her parents had made to carve the inside out and put a picnic table on the inside of it. And shelves to put things on.
In my opinion, I thought it was pretty slick. I'd only seen one tree on television where it was hallowed out for cars to pass thought.
I told her it was a great idea and they should keep with it.
Nadia sighed.
Only her father had drawn up the blue prints, but her mother didn't want to do it without him. It was to be a family project and passed down from generation to generation. "We were starting a new tradition. My father bought this land, the house, and it's in the will to my mother. My mother made her will after the funeral. I haven't read it yet, but she says I'd get all this and the house if I wanted to." That's when Nadia looked at me in a sort of serious manner.
My hands reached out to take hers, but she withdrew to make a momentom. A camera from her pocket that she handed to me. She sat down at the base of it, leaning her head off to the side, where she cold look up at the leaves above. How the light casted down on her was undescribable! She had to say my name to get me back to focus. And the first picture of the project took place.
The walk back wasn't so bad really for nothing really being said. To tell the truth, I was pretty glad, for I wasn't sure really what I wanted to talk about next. That's when I got an idea! That night, my mother came over to have dinner with us. She was blown away about how neat and clean the carpeting was, the high ceilings, masterful pictures of different Gods and Goddesses, and especially the brand new posts and pans they had when they first moved in. The fake flower arrangement that Paul, Nadia, and myself gave her mother for Mother's Day at the kitchen table made my mothers jaw drop.
A short dozen short cut roses, carnations, and three white roses fro friendship. And some other odd arrangements.
While Luna gave my mother the grand tour, Nadia gave me a devious look walking into the kitchen. This was my cue to fallow her in her deep purple felt dress with a black leather corset that pushed her breasts up quite nicely. A long silver chained penticale hung just above her breasts to create a nice reason to stare. My right hands finger tips gently ran across the top of them, watching them rise heavily. i could tell she was hungry with venom love in her eyes. Then again, she was always hungry for some sort of touch. I felt like I was being mirrored constantly.
Her hands cupped my face, kissing my mouth softly.
Remember that poem you read earlier that I found on my computer? Yeah, well, here I suddenly felt like I was the man in it, being clutched by a disasterous person who's cryong heavily over me to open my brown eyes.
COMMENTS
-