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That's Just The Way It Is... Things Will Never Be The Same...
22:00 Jul 31 2009
Times Read: 564

I know he loves me. I just feel so blind sided... Like it was out of the blue. Talking on the phone every night..



We'd talk about our future together... We'd talk about living together, and getting married. He told me I was the one. Was there for me, when I would rant about how hard it was for me to get a job... About every time I'd get rejected.... Told me to keep my chin up, that I'd find something...



I still haven't found something... and its tearing me apart....



I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel..



Everyone keeps telling me how great I am... How wonderful I am to be around.. but when it comes to the nitty gritty, here's the facts about my life:



I've lived in MI for the last two years. the first year, I wasn't in any emotional shape to even hold down a job. and the second year... I landed in the hospital nearly bleeding to death... and my periods have just started recently getting to the point where I'm not scared to leave the house...



I feel worthless.. The only problems I seem to be able to fix are my friends. I can't even save my own fucking self...



They all tell me I'm amazing.. but no one can stand for more than several months... I'm a great friend.. I guess I'm not great girlfriend material.



I'm 23, and I'd hoped I'd have been married by now. Started a life with that amazing person who was going to sweep me off my feet. (I also didn't expect to be jobless and constantly feeling like a leech to everyone around me, either... ) Sure times would be hard. But we'd have done everything the smart way... Saved some money, gotten a comfortable house together... maybe invested a little.. if possible.. Have some kids running around (yeah that's another thing that will probably not happen, either... *sigh*)....



I'm going no where in life, and no matter how hard I freaking try, nothing seems to work... I finally get something to work, and every other part of my life goes to shit...



I wanted to take on the world, so to speak.. instead, I'm fighting to keep it together.... All I can do now is save for my future, even I'm alone in that future. Yes, is a positive way to look at it... but I'm not happy....



The one person who can take my pain away, is the one that's shredding my heart into a million pieces.. I want it to all be a dream.. I want to wake up, and someone tell me it was all a bad trip. I want to look up and see that it was all a bad movie I had watched... But no. Its a broke heart and a bad taste in my mouth.



I know love is blind, but this blind????? seriously???? I mean, the whole Jason thing was one thing... (The dude from SC that claimed he was gonna marry me, ect ect ect... ) But this. I talked to him every night. We IMed each other al the time.. This past month was the first time we'd gone a really long time without seeing each other... I cherished the time we had together.. it made our time apart, so worth it! To see his face. touch his hair, feel his arms around me... it was so worth the wait. I'd have waited a lifetime, just to see him for one day... And now. I'm just a friend...



I love him so much. More than I ever allowed myself to love anyone.... Sure I loved all those that I said it too.. But I really felt, deep down, that he was the one. Part of me still clings to the hoe that he is... I saw my daughters face in a dream. She looks just like him. It seemed so real. So vivid. I could almost reach out and toche her blonde hair, and feel its curls between my fingertips...



I miss him so much. Just the idea that we aren't a couple anymore.. There is no "ChrisandAndrea" its not one word anymore.. we are Chris and Andrea.. seperate.. I pine for him. I just want it to all go back to the way it was... only better this time. This time, i've got a job, and I'm going places. This time I'm going to be someone. Someone that he feels is his life's equal. someone he doesn't feel is going to hold him back from taking life by the horns....



If I'm not that person... then I guess I hope he's happy.. Hope he finds someone who's as stubborn as he is.. who loves history like he does.. who knows old movies line for line.. someone who is.. different than all the rest. someone amazing...... someone.. *sigh*





I love him so much....



And he's already come to terms with us being apart... Me.. 11 months.. it felt like the beginning of a lifetime. I was looking forward to spending our one year together... but there won't be a one year for us.... even if we got back together....





Guess we proved Steph wrong after all... you won't be proposing to me, within the year of us dating (though I didn't see it coming that soon, anyways)...



It just feels like the relationship meant more to me than it ever did him... I know he loves me... but all those times he told me he wanted to marry me. all those times he called me his "fon fon ru".. that time he said...



All those pretty words.. what was he thinking, when he told me them? What was his internal monolog saying? was he questioning his own words, the very second they came out of his mouth?





I was so blind..



so stupid....





I never saw it...



and now its killing me...

"I love you, like you and miss you! But that simply isn't enough for me. I need someone I can see more then a total of a month out of a year... I need someone with direction and at the moment, I want to be single. That's how I feel.....



Like I said, our social and sexual relationship was awesome! But for me, it's hard to have a relationship when your not here... It's like I'm single without being single... I'm just alone... I don't want to be alone... I'm just tired of it.....



It's more of a bad situration I can't stand anymore. Your a great person! A great girlfriend and an amazing friend! I love you with all my heart! Just right now, it wasn't meant to be, love."

-- Chris said this to me in IM

He says he understands where I'm coming from....





I think he let go of me a long time ago..... he says it kinda just snuck up on him...



yeah it did.. in the form of a perfect little 18 year old girl... a baby.. a virgin...



well, not all virgins are pure, and I can't look at her the same way...



she's so perfect.... and i hate her.. I don't care if he has female friends.... hell, i have more male friends, that I ever did female... (He isn't dating her, or interested in dating her. They are just friends.... )



she's so fucking perfect.... Nothing like me.. never like me... but she's turned my whole world upside down. And it might not have even been her fault.. but she's so god damned perfect.... with her comfortable life, and her soft skin... (soft skin is a metaphor, people) everything handed to her....



Her life's got direction....



She is 18 fucking years old?! anything could happen!!! just look at me?! Shit was fucking perfect when I was 18! then I got fucked over and went to shit, and I can't even seem to get it together long enough to have more than $1 in my bank account!!!



Fuck..





But I'm the strong one. I have to keep it together, for those that need me... if I'm not, who will they lean on?? Who will be there for them?





I am hurt.

I am angry.

I am lost.



I don't know what to do.. I don't know what to say... I find little humor in anything...



I feel like a fly that's lost a wing.. you've seen em.. they just spin around in a circle, until they die, cuz they don't have enough sense to walk...



I feel like that stray dog that's kicked instead of fed.



I feel like the ant that's being terrorized by the kid with the magnifying glass..



I feel like I'm trying to push a boulder uphill....



I feel like I'm trying to fucking slam a god damned revolving door!



I feel like... erg...



like my chest has opened up and my heart is ripped out....



One second I'm numb, the next I want to drown myself...



One minute I'm so angry I could spit fire, the next all I want to to is cry and cry and cry until I'm all dried up...



I feel nothing and everything at the same time..



I am fighting so hard to not shut down completely..



what would that solve? It would prove that I am every bit the thing he wanted to get away from...



A girl that's going nowhere.... .......

Rest In Peace, Cherie Arnald
22:26 Jul 24 2009
Times Read: 579

"Now the sad part, my friend Cherie had been missing for a few days and then one day my friend Kevin (Her BF) calls me up and said they found her, I was rather happy to hear this, but only to find out they found her body in a Van down by 7 mile, she had OD'ed... Her family keep blaming him though she was doing this shit long before he came along and she likely wouldn't have lasted as long as she did if he wasn't around. So, Friday I scored him a ride to City Club and we had a blast, then Saturday he helped me out and took me there and again we had a blast. I think he's feeling better, but then Cherie's step brother stopped by to talk to Kevin, saying the cops were blaming him because he was the last person she called on her cell phone and the cops were going to come get him the next morning for questioning. Well, next morning he called the cops to ask about it, only to find out her brother had totally lied! He gave her brothers number to the police and they called him, of course he denied doing this to Kevin. So Kevin still arranged to talk to the Cops soon, he might have info that would help, but it'll keep her family off his ass."

-- Quoted From Chris's Blog

I don't want people to read this and think that Cherie was just a drug addict. She was a girl that needed help, and didn't know how to ask for it. That's the case with most people. Sad, but true. But more importantly was who she was, not how she died. I didn't get to spend that much time with her, but from what I have seen and felt, she was so smart, and she was pretty. She was tall lol she made everyone around her laugh and smile, and have a good time. She had a smile that would light up a room. Cherie wasn't just the drugs, she was heart and she was soul. If you were down, she knew just what to say to cheer you up. We hung out a couple of time, and I slowly got to know her. My last memories of her aren't of a drug addict, they are of a fun loving sweet girl. I'm going to miss her. I only wish that I knew her better. We were slowly becoming friends. What breaks my heart is that her family seem to only be focused on what happened, instead of who she was, and how much they loved her. And Kevin might possibly be the last person who told her that they loved her... and they treat him this way. I'm not going to sit here and dog on them, they are hurting. I'm just making an observation. I loved Cherie and I'm going to miss her so very much.









I have been really down for the past few weeks, because I didn't know how to handle losing her. She's the first person that I've lost that was my age and wasn't "a friend of a friend". I knew her directly. Part of me is angry that she was left the way she was. Part of me is sad because she's gone. Part of me doesn't know what to feel because she and I weren't that close. But she touched my life, no matter how short of a time she was in it. Every day I go through the routine of being up, and getting online... and I know that she's affected my life because when I run across her thumbnail on MySpace, I get sad. I don't want to believe that she's gone. Its so hard to wrap my head around. She was so damn young!

A Twilight Rant
23:14 Jul 20 2009
Times Read: 589

I don't want to post this anywhere else....



Ok, for what its worth, I have to say this:



I understand that the "Twilight" series was written for young adults. I also understand that the series was written by a Mormon mother who wanted to write a series that she'd feel comfortable with her children reading. Mormon's values teach self control, and no sex before marriage and not doing things in excess. Some extremes encourage taking care of one's self, and not drinking tea, and coffee, and things with caffeine in it, ect ect. That being said, I actually enjoyed the series. It was entertaining. It made me laugh, made me angry, made me cry.



I know its not a traditional vampire story. The vampires sparkle (something I loath, but its easy to ignore), they can also go out into the light (something that even Lestat could do, after he drank Akasha's blood).



What I can't stand is people who claim to be fanatics getting things mixed up, or facts wrong.



And the one thing that bothers me the most are fan art and fan made tribute stuff... Well, them making stuff doesn't bother me. What does is this:



JACOB WASN'T A FUCKING WEREWOLF, HE WAS A SHAPE SHIFTER!!! They tell you this in the last book, and if you read all of them you'd know that!!! ugh.



I hate looking through Etsy and seeing "I love Vampires" / "I love Werewolves" jewelery! He wasn't a damn werewolf! The shape his family chose just happen to be wolf. If you know anything about the lore of shape shifting, you know that they can change into anything, they just pick the shape they like most, and go with it. Over the generations, the ability to shift into other forms gets harder and harder. That doesn't mean they are werewolves. It never did. Get it right, people. I'm sick of seeing that shit. I really am.



For what its worth, I hated the movie. Worst adaptation for a book I have ever seen. (And Queen of the Damned doesn't count, because it was a loose adaptation, and they didn't even ask for Ann Rice to help them. Ann Rice said this, in an interview she did. "They didn't even consult me, when writing the screen play. They just wanted my permission to use some aspects of the story." The lady didn't even like the movie!)