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I seriously doubt I'll be able to find a place here in the US that I can feel comfortable with, specially now with the baby. I HATE IT ALL. Land of opportunities? MY ASS. I've never ever come across to such vane and stupid people. I have traveled coast to coast trying to find a place to call home and I haven't been successful. EMPTY PEOPLE, IDIOTS! IDIOTS! I CAN'T STAND THIS CITY ANYMORE. GUETTO MAKES ME SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. People here are so fucking mean and ugly and poor. Can't believe this country is the first power, my lord HOW?I don't really think I like the suburban life either. Back home I was surounded by ALIVE and EDUCATED people. Here? just fucking human garbage from other countries. BUt my past is my past. There is no point in being nostalgic anymore. That crisis is over.



D'OR my love where I need to take you?



The closest Ive been to feel somehow happy has been in SLC. Im just so afraid to take that big jump. I'm tired of beign a coward. But this is the result of years feeling insecure and lost in this land. This country has killed my braveness. Or was I just YOUNG and NAIVE? How come before I was so brave? so brave to come here by myself?

I pray that I can see the world through D'Ors eyes. It is the only way that I don't miss anything. I pray that I don't become the typical parent that buys toys ang get stuff for the only purpose of distracting the children. It's PATHETIC ans selffish.



It's not only about entertaining your child so she doesn't bother you. That action is so selfish!. You really need to interact with her , become aware of her mental and physical needs.



I have been invited to two "familiar" parties. Good lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I deeply dislike going to such events. Is there any way to run? I guess not. I need to remind myself that the true path of enlightment is through love and understanding so these people's rudeness does not affects me. But I'm gonna feel so different than them! I dont belong there, gezz, such ignorance, it makes me sick. But then again, who cares? I AM WHO I AM. I can always leave, cant I? I'm just gonna go there to show how different I am...I have to prove my HGA that I'm actually progressing.

Physics is almost over. I have been so dissapointed at the courses this term but this is the last week. Good!



Baby D'Or is doing wonderful. She barely cries anymore. We watch anime together. I want her to start putting all those magnificent worlds in her brain. It seems she enjoys it. I also play with her. She's every time more interested in the world around her. She is enjoying her little feet. I observe her. Life is definitely a precious gift. I love how she is so true to herself... to her humanity. Her divine nature.



This oncoming saturday we'll be going for her vaccinations. AY! .... not much to tell today. I feel peaceful. I feel I'm going through the right path of love and understanding... and forgiveness. True power.

I believe in Beauty. Everything around me must be magnificient. Belongings included.



I believe in Power. Self control. Will power makes me strong, set me apart and gives me immortality. Conviction. FAITH



FAITH I'm having a crisis of faith.... I have too much to think...to learn. ...I'm born again. Everything is new. I no longer can live in ignorance, in fear.

Breastfeeding is the most vampiric act I have done in my entire life. I feel so proud of myself that I can keep this beautiful creature alive. I, myself, my body can do this. It's a nectar. I love the way my little baby plays with my nipples and caresses my breast. That first bite! I always thought that I would enjoy it but not this much. At the beginning it was kind of dificcult of course but I had the will and perseverance and now I do it with no problem. It is so enjoyable. I don't wanna start solids! geez. Happy moms breastfeed. This makes me realize that I absolutely adore the female human body. We are most definitely superior. Women need to realize this. Society has taught us wrong for thousands of years. Every single thing of us, including all of what "they" say is a monthly nuisance is MAGNIFICENT. It monthly reminds us of our immense power. Oh lord! and now this stupid propaganda threatening our superior nature!.

I did. Breath, focus and relax.





I'm happy today. Finally survived my mood of yesterday and my childish outburst. I had made peace at myself. I forgive myself for I love myself. This is HOME. I'm not going anywhere.

Clear thinking has abandoned me. I think in circles. I make decisions, absolutely positive that it is the right idea and then anything stupid happens and I doubt myself. I am doubting myself all the time it's sick!. One thing I'm sure is I'm NOT HAPPY WITH MYSELF. I feel anxious because of this moving thing. I have tried to settle down for so long. Traveling is not exciting anymore. However, I don't want to live in this city anymore. I know hell goes with you everywhere you go no matter what but I think I can change some external circumstances that are clearly affecting my mood in this city. But what if I go and then regret it? you see? I'm doubting myself again!. I had made my mind today. Well, fuck it! there is no other way to know it but actually do it, maybe it's not that horrible as Im thinking and even if everything is a mistake, is not the first nor the last one I make. I have made my resolution. I don't want to think of details that will make me crazy. Just the necessary. Focus on the essential things. BREATH, FOCUS, RELAX!

I'm not leaving my D'Or with NO NANNY. After I get my bachelor, I'll wait until she goes to school to find myself a regular job and this job will have to coincide with D'Or schedule. School has to pay off...all this time spent and commitment. My lovely D'Or needs ALL of my attention. I don't want her to become a teen and then an adult and look back and not knowing my daughter and ask myself when did this happen?. I deeply distrust everyone.

Everytime I feel more in love with D'Or and I'm enjoying her more. She is a DOLL. Looking at her from a third person perspective she is unbelievable beautiful (putting mom's pride aside) We go to the park almost everyday. She really enjoys that. She loves noisy kisses. I got her a little bunny to play with. She bites its ears all the time. It seems it's her favorite. I had bought a lot of toys for her but it seems that she still enjoys my company better. I pray for that no to change ever. Whenever she goes to sleep I miss her despite how exhausted I usually feel. The most important thing in my life now is D'Or but there is something that I worry about all the time: HOW TO BECOME BETTER FOR HER? HOW TO PREPARED FOR HER? HOW TO TURN MY MAGNIFICENT THINKING INTO ACTION? I NEED TO BE THAT WOMAN THAT I EXPECTED HER TO BE. It would be stupid on my part trying to teach her things that I myself don't do....



I'm looking for wisdom every single day, beautifying myself, trying to feel again that power I used to feel when I was no wife. I know that is my KEY for Happiness. The only one I have. My secret. If I find it again I will never let it go. My treasure.



I know that thinking of myself means thinking of D'Or. I need to be happy and feel peaceful in order to do a good job as a mother, the biggest responsability of all. I really need to make peace with myself so I can put things on perspective and teach D'Or. I have been mad at myself for so long now. It's time to STOP! I have a worthy man at my side. A very unique man. Too good to be true. He deserves my loyalty because he adores me. Every single day.



I need to recover that magnifient power and strenght there is within me which has no limits. I need my grandiosity back. My audience.

You definitely need to be selective in life. Husband really wants out of Chicago and with a reason. D'Or needs to grow up in a safer and cleaner environment with educated , neat people around.

I saw her today. She said my teeth were so white. I take it as a compliment coming from her. I spoke and spoke, telling her how is that I am where I am. All the crazy things I have done. She said my life is like a movie. Yes it is, but it's no fun. We have so many things in common. I'm just happy that she calls me and she's nice. It's been such as while since meeting somebody nice. She is softly spoken and walks slow.