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I cannot stand people victimazing themselves in their profiles. What are they expecting? That I feel sorry for them? Telling me all the horror they've experienced? why do they have to glorify their misery, humilliation and stupidity? or these bi girls that glorify their men...they're so naive, poor things. We as women are superior. We are to be adored, not to adore. God, what is wrong with humanity? Why do we glorify horror?



I will teach my D'Or her superiority. I will teach her not to depend emocionally from nobody. There is nothing more unpredictable and unfaithful than a human heart. Therefore the only worthy loyalty there is in life is that that you have with yourself. Please love yourself D'Or , please do! do not expect a feedback from nobody besides your own self. Do not be like these poor little girls that need a man to reassure to themselves that they're worthy. This is the real reason for this so called "sexual revolution" Fucking slavery. I cannot believe what women do to themselves. It is disgusting! It pisses me the fuck off! and poor men, they just dont know any better.

I saw her today. It is unbelievable how our lives coincide. I had no idea she was so similar than I. She is nice to me. The first person being nice to me in so long. She has this feminine "vulnerability" that makes me crazy. She actually talks to me like a real friend. She speaks to me. I had such a good time. Oh, Lord, how vulnerable my childlike heart is now! This is the result of years of loneliness. How sad I have been! I am thinking about her. Maybe tomorrow she will be gone in my mind. NO REGRETS.

I think I am too kind for my own good. I really do not understand people acussing me for being cold. Honestly I'm about to think that there is something wrong with me and not with the people as I usually think but what that can be? I think I'm pretty nice for the most part, and I'm reliable. Husband says I'm a racist and my loneliness is my fault. It's like I really don't belong anywhere. It sound so pathetic....so teen. My husband's family is completely useless. I'm not even bothering with being nice to them no more. They wanna know my real face, now? they will... As all this fucking world will because I'm fed up with trying to be nice. I feel dependent and little. I just feel little.

My life before D'Or is a secret.

This was just a stressful week at school. I feel restless and I can't sleep. I feel I'm always running. I feel tired. I have lost weight and I don't want to lose one pound more. I'm 120 lb now. Never been so skinny in my entire life. It's because I'm always running with Baby , school and home! and besides the breasfeeding thing.



However I think I feel peaceful for the most part. I'm in love with my D'Or. Whenever she goes to sleep I miss her. I really do. I cannot believe how much I have changed. I remember my life at home and it seems to me that is not my own life but somebody's else. I miss my youth somehow. I have become a very boring person. I am praying that I can see life through my child's eyes so I recover my youth. I like to be an adult though in the sense that I feel strong. I feel mature and brave and very motivated to improve myself and my existence in all aspects so my D'Or can be proud of me. There is nothing more important for a child that the example she sees in her parents. I think I need to be prepared for D'Or. She needs to see in me the woman I expect her to be... and what a creature! I want to see all my grandiosity in her! Words are useless if they are not acompanied by actions. I want to be with D'Or every minute of her life. Beyond her there is nothing else.

I will have to keep a very michievious attitude. I speak too much.

I cannot believe how weak and pathetic I really am. Because I know I'm not gonna meet anybody that read this, I 'm letting myself speak, the way I FEEL. My ego and grandiosity are false. I am a really sensitive creature. I feel that nobody else feels the way I do. I feel that despite my coldness, I have a child like heart, so innocent still! I feel so naive, it makes me sick. I do not cry. Instead I tremble... all day long.



I feel I am not ready to cope with the world. I am horrified by it! now even more horrified that I have D'Or. I feel I am coward. I feel that all the courage I talk about is just a fantasy of mine. My false SELF! But now, not even my False self come to help. I feel naked in the world. I don't feel my armor no more. I distrust all. But overall I distrust myself. I'm INNOCENT! but knowing of all the evil in the world. I KNOW IT! But it disgusts me. It disgust me having to play all the time, not being able to love freely..not even my D'Or is mine...she will leave too. I pray to my god that that never happens, but it will...unless I get really blessed. I love my mother, and where I am?.... thousands of thousand of miles away. I abandoned her and I can't recover from it. Maybe my frozen soul is the karma I have to pay for that. I have done pretty bad things in my life...too many, I feel I'm 90 years old already and however I look back and I see just an innocent hurt child! but I am very prideful and I can't tolerate my own weakness. I can't stand myself when I take my disguise off!. I am so unbelievable scared!



This was a relief! I am not trembling no more. Then, when I finish with this, I will strategically plan what I am gonna do to save myself, put my armor back on, and keep my guard up again.

Misiva Tercera



D'Or: Por ti vuelvo a nacer y cuestiono esta vida sin fe. Por ti busco a mi fe perdida y la recupero. Los mormones me han estado buscando por anos ya...pero por supuesto es hasta ahora que estoy preparada para aceptarlos. Mis creencias han sido confirmadas a traves de esta peculiar religion y quienes se burlan de ella no saben nada. No son dulces y humildes....hay mucho poder y conviccion. La creencia de que siendo humanos nos podemos convertir en dioses! La celebracion de la vida y las busqueda de la PERFECCION!