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I keep thinking I could of done more....I could of done something better.

Like if I would of stayed behind while jacob took everyone home...then the stupid dog would of stayed by my side because I was a new source of attention. Or I could of stopped him from going into shock.....I know I couldnt of done anything more.....its not even my house or my kittens...but he was crying to loud and there was so much blood on the gauze.



I kept the blanket over him and tried to rub my fingers up and down his body to stimulate the blood flow....I even went as far to give him CPR. Then he stopped breathing for a minute then move his head and draw in a deep breath. The other three where crying out...hungry no doubt and missing their mother. His little body was so cold no matter what I did....why couldnt it be different?

What more could I of done?

Why am I so upset over a animal that wasnt even mine?



Sitting at home alone my own cat is curled up asleep next to me and all I can see is that tiny body that refused to move. My cat is so spoiled rotten and I love him so much. I just....I see that if he wouldnt of made it....then I would of never known the joy of having such a playful sweet thing. He could just as easily of been that baby kitten........

I just wish I could the image out of my head. He was so little....and helpless....and it must of been scary because you could tell he was in pain and with his ears and eyes closed...he never had a chance against that damn dog. The momma cat should of been there...where is she?



I know im rambling....but its closeing in on two am and I cant sleep and im alone......

So this is as good as it gets to venting to a live person....

Today was supposed to be good and yet it ended in tears. A day is marked with the death of an innocent. I had forgotten how painful it is to watch something die. Even moreso when you know its life never really got to begin. Today one of the four baby kittens passed away. It would of been fine. It should of been...but the momma cat was out (is still MIA to this hour) and the fucking poodle snatched the kitten from its nest.



Jacob and I arrived back from getting a pizza to find his mother blotting a tiny screaming kitten. It didnt look like a lot of blood at first.......but it was. The bleeding wouldnt stop so we wrapped it in gauze. His mother went out to get nurseing bottles and kitten milk. He went into shock and I tried so hard to keep him warm. I even did CPR but it wasnt enough......I just got home. We cant find the the mom. The remaining three kittens wont nurse from the bottles and...and.....I dont know. My heart is so heavy and I cant stop these tears. I hate that stupid fucking poodle! His eyes wernt even open yet......I know he is no longer in pain and the Goddess now holds his spirit.....but....im tired.....and......emotional....

Today has been.........hehe....crazy?



And I didnt even have to leave the house!



First it started off sourly with a headache that lasted for hours and a mini fight with my friend. Which may or may not have been my misunderstanding of a stupid subject....which I will neither confirm nor deny my long winded apology to said person.



Then the conversation with the love. Though I was pokeing fun at him to release some latent frustration from earlier it still left me all bubbly and smiley. Just seeing his name pop up on my phone gives me butterflies. hehe



Then...ohnoez! Interweb drama! XD

Facebook style!

Some stupid bitch is trying to claim my friends son as her own (after dating the boys father for two weeks) and calling her a bad mother and that she would be a better mother. Stupid silly cunt.

No one messes with Ameh or her son...we. Her friends....will kick your stupid ass.



Oh stupid people are stupid. Today it was kinda a welcomed drama because I got to channel my anger issues in another long winded speech about how amazing Ameh truely is and how her mother should of taught her better than to spend her time playing with shit....

It's not sanitary; ya know? lol



Everyone got a kick out of that. ^^

Anyway....rant over.



I get to see my sweetheart niece tomorrow. She is truely my shining diamond in a storm of shit. I cant wait to see her little smiling face and hear her go:

"Hi Aunti! Wheres the kitty?"

She is soooooo cute.



Then I get to spend time with my love and our friend....who has something to tell us apparently...this....this makes me wary. He has been talking about just taking off and moving.....I really hope he doesnt. Hes never the one to plan something as serious as that out. Impulsive and a little bit angry....and Irish. (really that kinda sums him up) He is Irish. 'nuff said.



But either way. Looking forward to tomorrow and hopefully my earlier icklyness will no longer exist tomorrow. ^^

Gotta go wash the dishes. (yes....wash. not stick in a dishwasher....handwash.)



Peace

Lost....

We were.....so so soooo lost.







Yesterday was the thing of awesomeness. Joshua came back and it was glorious. Everyone fell into place and picked up where we left off. It was like those eight months never existed. We were delighted in seeing our spazzy friend. Seeing him rock out to an air guitar to the music in his head. Not to mention all the random accents that we know and lov him for. All was topped off with a cherry when I got to see my other lost friend Dave. Havent seen him in about a year since he went off to college. It was truely a amazing day......until that evening.



Joshy had to go to his cousins.....all the way in another town an hour away. With the promise of gas money off we went! Getting there was easy and fun. We played music and sang loudly and off key. Of course saying goodbye was not fun but with the knowledge he'd be back in a few days we left with our pocketed gas money.

Here is a little tidbit of knowledge that none of you know....we always...ALWAYS get lost after dropping him off somewhere. Over the course of eight months we had forgotten that. So unsure of which road to take on the highway....we went the opposite direcetion of home. Simple mistake...which exploded into a huge mess. Sign talking about going to Winsconson or Iowa started popping up and of course....the dreaded toll roads loomed. In a mad dash to avoid these states and tolls we take this odd side road and end up in a place that looked a lot like Gary.



You might be going "Oh no! Gary...thats dangerious!"



Well you'd be wrong. We know Gary. My love goes to school in Gary. Sadly....we are not in Gary. After much panicking and useing that meager eight dollars in gas cash we ask an elderly couple who shed some light that we are no where near Gary...but in fact in Illinois!

With their help we are sent in the right direction and home....dear god home! How I love thee!

Ok...Ok...I had already written in my journal earlier but I had to write this.

Yesterday was perfect...like really perfect.

Because my loves week days are usually filled with school I dont get to see much of him until the weekends.

But yesterday I was able to see him for a few hours. It was amazing.

We played marvel vs capcon (which he beat me) but not before I took him down to one character left. hehe. Then I showed him my new place and walked to the park.

Turns out that the park here leads to our favorite bridge. One that we go to all the time and sit underneath next to the water.

So we clamored up to the railroad tracks above and we walked down it...just the two of us. The track were up high and surrounded by trees so it was nice and secluded.

We just talked and talked and enjoyed the solitude. It was almost like it was just us two. The old tracks that looked over the rushing river and park. -sigh-



I live for these moments.



I love this man so much; with my entire heart and soul.

Oh joy that is today for my best friend has finally escaped the clutches of Flordia and is happily on his way back home. Finally! Our little scattered group shall reunite once again. ^^

He is my best friend and my twin. (not really but seeing we are five minutes apart and have the same hair color and similar in height....I call him my twin)



I miss my spazzy little twin. Also we can finally go into that water drainage pipe and spray paint our names. So thay our friendship shall be forever painted where no one really goes. It is not really for anyone else but us. We took a trip through the tunnel awhile back and found an old tag from 1970 which gave us the idea. A little lame but what can you expect from four teens who live in a little town.



hehe



I can't wait! Only a few more hours left!

Actually im afraid the title is a bit misleading; much more ranting in this than anything else.

^^



Todays subject children is: Drama.

Oh yes.... drama,drama,drama. VR seems chalk full of it lately. Lucky me ive kept my nose out of the ongoings only to sit pack and chuckle as I watch them scramble about their internet way.

I mean....really?

This is a code based site located inside a tiny screen that links you to people all over the globe; its not real. The people here are barely real themselves. Overstuffed peacocks with their feathers all a ruffle. So much sugar coating of their true selves....so my question is....why bother?



The likely hood of ever meeting this irritant face to face is practically zip. Even more so when you realize how much time the two of you invest into this website surely shows the lack of meandering through the outdoors.



Not that I can say much; I advoid the world like the plauge but because it houses creatures known as people...lol.



Oh drama...drama. It makes me giggle. Hacking others. Yelling and curseing through a kismet. Oh the best is: Downrating! XD

Really?

To many are so unstable in their views of themselves that a simple number system rocks your entire world. hehe.



I guess I take these things with a pinch of salt. I mean fighting online is fantastic because you can simply end the whole deal by switching to another site orrrrr (and this is a stretch) read a book :D



Hmmm....im a little amused at the online world right now.



Peace!

v(^-^)

So today was amusing...

First my floor attacked my foot and now there is a lovely bloody hole in my heel.

Then I went for a lovely walk in the rain which made me a happy Proxy and last but not least met up with some old high school friends.



We made a quick trip for coffee at Dennys (totally different during the day lol) but they ran into some friends and the subject of tanning came up. This girl thought she was too pale; so I made a quirky little remark about how much darker she was than I.



The best part was when she responded with; "Your not that pale."

Hehe...oh the awkward silence. Everyone just looked at her as if she had just laid an egg. lol

I mean I dont think im super pale but I know I be pasteh. XD



Just amused me greatly. Home and its still pretty early.....if I can bum a ride at seven then I can make it to fencing practice :D

I am a girl.....a nineteen year old girl.

I have six siblings. One I grew up knowing.

I just found the oldest.

There is another but I havent met her yet.

Then I have these three little siblings.

Two brothers and a little sister.



I found my father and met these three.

Only to watch in silent anger as he slammed my brother into a wall and choked him.

I had to leave. I couldnt help them. Not yet at least.

I felt helpless.



Alone in a place far away from my home. Watching my flesh and blood being tossed about like dolls. My heart shattered and into a million pieces.



Now I am faced with a tough decision.

I know what I have to do but doing so will mean I lose these three that I just found.

I love them all and they all will hate me but I remember when I was them. I remember being that scared little girl who was afraid of the sound of footsteps or when her step fathers car would rattle up the road.

I remember praying to God for someone to see and take me away or to fall asleep and never wake back up.

And like hell will I let them grow up the way I did.



Tomorrow I call the protection services and file a report. Lose a part of my family in hope for a better life.

I am a big sister. Not the eldest but still I am the big sister.

I will do everything in my power to protect my family....even though its killing me inside.



-Proxy

=]







'nuff said.

I love the fact that I can masquerade as an intelligent person when I type online. My words out loud never sound so well put together but a rambling of random thoughts...but then again my brain is scattered....very scattered.

Don't quite know why that I can form full thoughtful sentences when I write or type but when I open my mouth everything just.....becomes word vomit.



But thats not the point of this journal is it?

My head is filled with so much speculation of my self and of my reality. Of how others see reality. Yet...all my ideas. All my ponders and wonder are all spawned from others ideas. None of which are my own...

But then again....after all these years..its hard to imagine someone really truely comeing up with an idea that no one else over time had failed to poke at.

Just depends on if they acted upon it or had the tools to attempt to turn their ideas into reality.



Oh the pondering....pondering. My head is still filled. Much to think about while I should be sleeping. Heh. Its going to be a long day.

My storm has arrived. The beautiful torrent of violent winds that are laced with the feeling of rebirth. As the rain cleanses the ground those who also look to the sky shall be washed free from the past. This is the storm I have been waiting for. The final seal on my past as I surge forward and start anew.

My path will be long and hard but as the storm outside these walls do rage. The knowing in my heart is only strengthened. It is time to shed this skin. Make my peace and heal these wounds.



These changes are needed. I need them. I beg for them. I shall remain ever stead fast in this. For the time has come. I will step forward into the unknown and shall be reborn beneath the sweet tears of the Goddess on high.

Blah blah blah blah blah! I just want to scream at times. Im such an uptight person. Always in control always on the go. Planning my life and others. Helping.....helping......blah!

I never get to relax. I never to get to let my hair down....



Tomorrow I shall. Tomorrow I shall have fun. I shall let my hair down, relax, flirt (harmlessly) and just.....have fun. This will be a shining moment for me. A time of pure enjoyment. I will not play mommy. I will not be the problem solver. I will just be.....another party goer and enjoy the company of good friends and good drinks. ^^

He has been missing for days now and no one knows where he went. This isn't like him. I mean....it's not like we were the best of friends but I know him well enough he wouldn't just take off like this. He wouldn't just abandon his family and his girlfriend and no way he's leave his daughter.

Where did you go?!

Everyone is in a tizzy....we all just want you home. Please please be OK. Just such a good kid......

Riding on the plans of...better.

Not near perfect nor good but better. Things shall be shaky from this moment forward but hopefully we will survive this...horrible horrible event and emerge ever closer.

I mean a two year relationship is kinda hard to kill on maybes.

Though I understand where he is coming from. But we are working and moving forward and talking....its painful but getting less painful by the day. Kinda feel like a bitch since its him who thinks he isn't good enough for me.....stupid kid. He makes me sound like a saint. =/

I. Am. Sooooo. Not.



Though I did learn something interesting.



Ever wonder why your nose runs when you cry?

Its actually caused by your tears dripping into your sinuses because of the overflow of tears.

:D

Isn't that weird?

You cry through your nose =p



Weird things I look up in the midst of heartbreak. Hehe.



Well I do pray to the Goddess that things will work out for the best. I cannot imagine him not being there in my life. He isn't just my boyfriend. He is my best friend. I don't want to loose that. =(

Don't think I can deal with that right now. My head is filled with girly lameness. XP

Fuck...fuck fuck fuck FUCK!

My eyes hurt so bad from crying half of today. Today was horrible. It feels like someone shoved a white hot iron through my heart. I knew something was amiss when he answered my call.

I mean I guess everything turned out OK. We are still together but it was so close. So close. I just.......I just. I love him so much. This is the longest relationship I have ever been in. I feel like I have poured everything I have into this and he hits me with: "I dont think I can make you happy. I mean im nothing that you want."

Before those who reads this goes "Damn. Thats the sterotypical code for 'i want out'" Trust me I know that but he isn't actually one who is like that. If something is bothering jim he is pretty straightforward. Sugar coating things isn't his specialty.

My head is going to burst.......

COMMENTS

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Predator
18:32 Apr 02 2011

I would comment but I dont know nothign about you or your man so it would be irrelevant and rude.



I just hope that whatever happens you two come out fine and can stay close.

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