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Hello.

So today, I turn 20. Yes, 20. Not 21. I feel older than I should.



I suppose I should reflect on my life. Wait I am. Relationships, friendships, family.... what's left of them. Currently all have fallen apart. Wait does remain is pretty much just shambles, like a torn screen door, sagging on one hinge.



I'm not in a real relationship, just another internet one. I'd like to get out of it, but I'm too much of a coward and afraid of hurting her. I've only ever had two of what the rest of the world might consider real girlfriends. And yes, I do continue to feel sorry for myself. It's like an addiction.



My friends are like twigs on a stream. We occasionally bump into each other, sometimes come together, but right now most of us are just floating down solo.



And my family... is falling apart.



I just came back from lunch with my mother, from a steak house in downtown Long Beach. 555 East, it's called. Had a filet mignon(sic). Very nice.

But now I'm home, and my friends are busy. Needless to say, I feel very alone. I'd like to spend the day with friends but, well, they're busy.



What I would like for my birthday is for things to get better. Or least maybe a hug and an "I love you", but then again I guess my birthday wishes should be realistic.



Happy holiday all. Spend the season with your friends and family, and treasure each moment. Because it could be the last you see of them for quite some time.



Goodbye

Oh wow. She's blocked me.

Her loss.



At least things are getting better.

COMMENTS

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NITEOWL47
22:19 Dec 11 2008

o.0

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HunterStone
23:34 Dec 12 2008

What is it

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NITEOWL47
16:56 Dec 13 2008

Oh nothing. It's just that you aren't usually this...cold. Just making an observation is all.

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HunterStone
22:16 Dec 13 2008

Actually, I'm quite cold.

When I'm not medicated.

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I hate myself

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xxEmaeraldxx
23:20 Dec 09 2008

Okaaayyy, well that will save someone else the bother! (don't be so hard on yourself!)

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So finals are coming up soon. And as one might expect, I'm stressing out and trying my best not to think too much about it because I'll probably have a panic attack and no good really comes from those.



Also, trying to pick new classes for next semester is a pain. I have priority registration, but I still need to act fast to get the classes I want. Right now I'm toying with German, Drawing, Intermediate Algebra, English, and History. History I will be taking (hopefully) because that's the second half of a class. But I still don't know which of the others to take. I'd like to keep a schedule of 4 classes a week, so maybe my readers could give me some thoughts?



And by the way, I've decided to take up an offer I was given. My friend's father is a photographer, and when I expressed some interest in modeling, he offered to take some face shots and such. I'm going to go for it, once finals are out. After all, a little cash flow would be nice.



Though I might have to get a "regular" job, though...

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xxEmaeraldxx
23:21 Dec 09 2008

good luck with the finals :)

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Great. Just great. I fucked up and hurt someone again.



I just hope I live a long, full life. Alone, by myself, and with no contact with anyone.



I don't deserve any more than that.

Shit's falling all around me. Either I don't know how to help people in the shit or they don't to be helped.

Stress is gnawing at me too. Various things.



I have a christmas wish (even though I don't celebrate the season). Someone send me a bottle of rum for christmas, then a bottle of bailey's for my birthday. Or vice versa

COMMENTS

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immortalxkiss
10:24 Dec 04 2008

You're not old enough for liquor yet, sorry kid.

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