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It is irony at its best to be here in this oasis of mine that i have created is actually my own prison.....at times it can feel like i am trapped sufficating as other times it can be my sanctuary..You probably wonder how can it be both.. but i assure you it is...my life remains a mistery so shall it be this way until i am no more the reasons i feel this for my dwelling are my reasons i think that is why i strive to transform it into more then a dwelling ........ recreating centuries passed as best to my imagination will let me do .......perhaps we are all trapped in our own homes in many ways...



be well

Every time i close thy eyes i see images of horror from the pass everytime i have a night terror in them i die. i was told if you die in your dreams you die in life if so why am i still here last night exausted i accidently fell into a slumber as the mare began like it does as usual i felt a difference within it i was not alone no one was there but me and the beast but i knew for some reason he was there also this time i did not perish at the hand of the beast i was awaken before the task was done how and why i do not know and neither can i explain but perhaps he is near now perhaps he will return in my dreams to caress my hair and softly whisper in my ears.... sighs.... well nay matters i am retiring for the day the sun is rising high and bright meaning my bed time is here



be safe to all may your nights be dark and plentiful

In the Dark i sit and wait, wait for what i am never sure. I listen i watch constently fighting my own inner fears of the dark as well as my passsions for it. forced into the darkness long ago i was not sure then i would even survive a decade later here i am still here still waiting for what still unsure. i hear his voice sometimes in the night calling to me asking me to go to him but i can not i that soul mate that better half that split apart ppl talk of. he calls me. i do not know what he looks like for all i see are his eyes all i hear is his voice, barely able to understand what he tells me so softly in my ears as i sleep i sometimes feel him next to me sitting there on the side of my bed caressing my hair speaking softly deeply into my soul. touching my lips tenderly. i dare never wake even if the nightmare persuise me for if i wake he dissapears until i slumber again. i avoid sleep now the night mares are stronger then his personafied presence in me. Subdude by fear most of the time i simply saty awake always wondering if the next time i slumber will he be there or will the nightmare replace him once again.. i do not know who he is, i do not know where he is therefor i can not join him but even if i had the oppertunity to do so my weakened state would prohibit me to do so.



Have any of you ever wondered if we are all part of something bigger then we can ever imagine or fathom or are we ust suppose to wonder the earth for ever wondering of where we are going where do we belong....or...even to whom we belong to......to belong......to be wanted...to be yearned for............a desire that will never be realised.





As i sat in my room this morning after a night of restlessness i realised perhaps some of us or ment to be part of another and become something else bigger then ourselves and then there is us ....me...the one that are ment to be in the dark, on the side lines always the ones looking in from the outside........alone....in utter solitude....





Solitude...can kill if you do not know how to weild it to your needs.. i have learned this well trough out this decade....... all to well and even till this day solitude weakens me, draining me slowly every day that passes one more part of me dissapears....dies.......



the dark is now my sanctuary i do not even think of surviving in the world in the light......



sanctuary is darkness..





Darkly night to all



IA

I have spent the last 3 days completing my chambers, now it is done i have posted photographs in my porfolio. It is mostly now in its original state before i made the fateful move to this place. The move that i can only discribe as a darker place then ever now i am truly utterly alone here in a baron land surrounded by nothing but feilds of gold and lilac. although the site you must think is romantic it would be, if with someone. I see the mountains from my dwelling even in the night you can still see the snow glimmer off them , ah well my move was made for a reason although i do not know it now i am sure it will come to me eventually for now i am mearly attemptimg to make this place my own for how ever long this may be this time around.



be well

Just a tought randomly traveling in my mind.. i sat for hours on my bed in the dark wondering if i was here for a reason was i here for a purpose........Alone there i stare at the ceiling thinking always thinking about nothing everything..wondering....i even have dreams when awake...dreams of things to be things to pass thing that are.........i grab a pillow from that empty side of the chamber bed and wish.. hope..yearn for another to be there in that voided place...another dark soul to share this doomned life. I have moments of happiness wathicng my child sleep at night and i wonder when he smiles what he drams of.. does he dream of chocolate rivers and cotton candy clouds or the next xmas or a his birthday arriving soon. Maybe he dreams of the days his mother could run in the sun with him laughin and smilling, sometimes i see his smile turn upside down then i wonder if at that moment does he feel sadness that i am not there like before? does he miss me? like i so miss him for i seldom see him and is angelic face always smilling no matter how bad things eventually get. I hold is tiny hand in mine and put it to my lips and feel his warmth upon them my skin cold and lifeless compared to his...mine are pale in his tan little hand ...sighs.....perhaps i ment to watch over him in his sleep perhaps i am ment to prevent the demons that haunt me from hurting him in return. ....I do not know the reasons why we each are here but perhaps one day we will al be someons guardian but for now i ask this .. who is mine? who is there to wake me a nightmare? who will hold me trought the dark nights? who? no one... for a guardian is but a lonely soul that belong no where .....

At times in our lives we do tend to be so over worked over tought and plainly over tired. We insist on seeying ourselves as invincible , undestructable even super human some form. But unfrtunetly we do come to a point in our lives were we see ther eality of our frail body and mind. It does not matter if you are super man or wonder woman but every one once in their lives ...falls.... The most disspointing part of falling is not the fall it self it is the rise, where you see no one behind you to pick you up..utter loneliness....yes that is the one thing that can destroy a being wether they would like to admit it or not but it is a simple fact that loneliness will destroy the strongest of beast.. When i wake at night i look my surroundings to find nothing, no one, i am alone no one to hold my hand in the moments of nightmares, no one to sooth me with their voices, no one to hold me and comfort me.. what is death? the fear of being alone.....



May we all in time find our soul mate, as being one is truly the lonliess number to do.