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Well my first entry should be well...I dont know...a good one? But it's not. At least from my point it's not. I beileve that my life is going downhill completely. I can't get along with my mother for 1 day without something ridiculous coming between us. I just hate my school and my neighborhood. I dont even know anyone. Im stuck in the house all freaking day with just my iPod, T.V., computer (sometimes), and my books/journals. In the past Ive been to 15 school because my mother got tired of living in one house for more than a year maybe? I've lost any people I considered my friends...*Sighs*And last but not least my boyfriend. I believe him to be my soul mate...I don't care about my age. Almost 16 and I believe I've found my soul mate. If anyone's against that belief then please speak up. It's a long distance/over the internet kind of thing. But I've met him in real life before. His name is John. We've been together about 6-7 months now. Everything was perfect at first. He would make me happy and smile every day of my already miserable life. He was the thing that kept me going. About a month later or so he came to Texas and we met. I can't even begin to explain how happy I was. Sadly, that happiness was short-lived. A few weeks later he got a job. And well...it's an after school job. He goes to work before I even get out of school. He's only an hour ahead of me...John and I would fall asleep on the phone together at random times at first, then it became a habit. But when he got his job, things changed. He asked me about it first, and I said he could take it because it was something he wanted. I knew it would hurt me, but I would have to deal with it some time right? So he took it...but little did I know it would permenantly damage me. I dont see him til 11-12 pm at night. Most times now I face lonely night because he calls while Im sleeping. We hardly text anymore. And just so many things Im not sure how many can understand right now. It being my first entry and all. But for months I've endured heartache, fear, anger, tears, cutting, and so on...Just because I truly truly love him with all my heart. I've been forgiving because at some point John noticed he was hurting me. Yet, everytime he tried/started to make it up to me, he would just mess it up by falling asleep on me or working that day or the next day I need him. I've talked to many people about it. And they've all helped me feel better. But it doesn't last. All that I've told my problems too though...have said the same thing. 'Break up with him. He's not worth it.' And by 'it' they mean cutting myself, my heartache, my newly found depression. And now is the time that I have to make a choice. Should I give him one final chance? The only thing that's keeping me from breaking up with him is that...somewhere in my mind, I have hope...That hope is all in the wrong place. It hopes that the John I fell in love with is still there. But I know he's not. That John is about to die and this new one will be there for good. Yet I can't force myself to accept it. I know it and believe it. But I won't accept it. So what do I do...Give him another chance?

COMMENTS

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DrCullen
06:43 Mar 13 2009

Well, love, I would give him no other chance. That HURTS and if he has already caused you pain like this.....I wouldn't. Your magnificent journal entry! Ahahaha! This is more than I have in all of my journal. ^_^ Congrats ^_^

(ah, sorry for calling you love too, its just an affectionate thing of mine...)



Want my protection stamp?

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DrCullen
06:52 Mar 13 2009

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