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I have fallen back into this vampire rave, in an attempt to understand if indeed I am to become something more, something powerful and confident, something that makes its voice heard and its abilities desired.



It is here in this rave that I found vampires, that I found a piece of myself that I had never known and now all that I am is mixed. I cannot tell the voices apart and in the end, I cannot know who I truly am.



I wish to be done with this once and more all, may a merciful fate be granted to me.

I feel happiness and power swelling in my chest, I can see a great destiny and a transformation to something far beyond that which I am. This twisted, broken form some kind of preparation for the future. Though it is in all possibility that this insanity is not the signs of preparation for my soul and my mind to embrace a darker side. Is the darkness for me or does it disgust me. Do I drink it in ever thirsty for its darkness, or do I vomit at the very mention of itself. What am I to become, if anything at all. I am torn and numb, I feel no love, I crave no sex, I sense nothing. Where once I could sense things of every nature I now can sense nothing, as if all the emotion in the world has somehow disappeared. I laugh but it is hollow. I frown though it lacks sincerity. I care and love, though they never reach the deepest parts of me. I do not care to be with another. I do not care for what my future holds. I want nothing, I care for nothing. though even when all seems to fade and die. a small part remains that wishes to be innocent once again. children, precious and innocent, the world is open to them, the stars are no limit, the sky merely another thing for them to explore with awe and giggle at clouds. in some ways I wish to be once more a child, though wishful thinking never solves anything. and then even children have the thoughts that wipe away the small smile that comes from their odd but selfless behavior. they will grow old, they will become twisted by the world in one way or another. there will be no more limitless possibilities, only those of fact.



What ever can I do for myself, when I am lost.