The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i cannot breathe. i cannot do anything i want. i am totally devistated. in pain. mentally mostly.



I am not sure what to do.....



the other day. im not sure when. its sorta been a blurr since.



well the other day. charlie was walking me home. we were walking on the train tracks. its the fastest way to my house.



well a train started to come. on the other tracks.



and i went on them. and started walking.



charlie yelled at me to get off them. i stoped and asked why.

he yelled at me again BECAUSE~!~



the train was then 4 blocks away.



i flipped around and started to skip towards the train. and then i stopped. the train 3 and 1/2 blocks away.





i stopped. he stopped. he looked at me..and i looked at him.



its strange how time slows down when your in quite a bit of danger.



i kept thinking these thoughts.



this is not so scary(which it wasn't, i was not scared AT ALL[thats the scary part]) and i wonder what it will be like. and should i get off. i do not want to. but should i. what will happen. will i die. what will Charlie think.....what will Charlie do. he has already been suicidal over just a friend dying. in a car accident. what if he saw someone he liked more than a friend. die right in front of him. what will happen to him. what will go through his mind. if i stand here will he try and get me off. should i lay down. i hope this kills me. what if this doesn't work, and my mom is left with a huge ass hospital bill. and me a vegetables . what happens to vegetables. are they still there. do they just watch from the inside. and are trapped.



it was hurting myself to think.and now i think that i should have just ran face first into the train.





the train got 2 and a half feet from me......



and i got off the tracks...and walked behind charlie on the other ones. while the train was going by...he walked sorta ahead.



and i kept thinking

"



oh god, what is he thinking. is he thinkingbad about me. maybe i shouldn't even have done that with him near. if he wasn't with me. i would be dead right now. i wish he wasn't with me. so then i wouldn't be alive. i wanted to die. and he ruined it. i do not want to know what would happen to him if i died. so i didn't. why couldn't he have just let me walk home alone. why didn't i tell him i would walk by myself. i could have don eit. and i would have been able to. i wasn't even afraid. it was fine. i could have done it. if he wasn't there. theres no doubt in my mind. i could have done it. i would have done it. i almost did it with him there. but then me trying to be as good as i can to others. it had to stop me. why. why me. why couldn't i have done it. i evny ryan hayes. he did it. he hung himself. why can't i do it. it wouldn't be that hard. i mean he could hang himself. and i cannot just stand still.



and now im thinking.every night since. as i cry. because im so devistated. and lost. i could have done it. and i sorta wish i did. well more then sorta. i wish i did.





im not one to be emo. and suicdal. do not get me wrong. yes i get depressed but who does't. grown women and men fall to their knees in pain. from depression.



why can't i be depressed. and not have lots of people look at me for it. i may dress in black. but that doesn't change anyhting.



i do not know anymore. and i just needed someone to talk to....so i wrote.....i bet no one will ever read this....i hope not....its quite raw.....



raw fucking emotion. all on a site. for everyone to read. just wonderful.

i have been sitting here for two hours. crying.

just crying. listening to one song over and over.



it hurts.



i just got my tattoo....and it was for my ex.

i lost my virginity to him. and he was my first love.



i used to draw a little heart on his hand, when we were first together.

and i would fill it in everyday.



and he was like maybe i should get it tattooed.

i think he was joking.



well long story short.



he broke up with me. sad part is the night before he told me he loved me. i mean if he was going to break up with me. why didn't he just stop saying it.



and then his broher died. recently i think. like a few months ago.

and we broke up in december.



and it took me two weeks. which he says a month. to see if he was okay.



and i was like i really like you still so its hard for me to talk to you.



he said i didnt ever love him.



and i said i did. that i cried for weeks. and still cry. that i was suicidal over him.



and then he told me......that he when he broke up with me....he cried for like ten minutes.....and when we were together....he only cried cuz he was with me...and not her....his ex.....the one he loved......



and i cried for weeks again. and still cry



that thought it stuck in my brain...

and it wont go away..



thats why its hard for me to get close to people..because it hurts. i cannot get over him.......



so today was hard..i got this tat for him







the heart stands for my heart i gave him, and the heart i kept drawing on his hand.



the arrow is because it hurt me so bad. like an arrow to the heart.



the noose is because i wanted to die,and was suicidal over him.



the wings were mainly just for me.

but also the fact that he just up and left me, and i thought wings would represent that the best. as if he flew away forever. flew out of my life.

as everything went crazy.



and the clouds the tattoo guy thought it would look better with. so i went with them.



so im just sitting here...crying to....a song...









your guardian angel-the red jumpsuit apparatus