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After a particularly dramatic night, that could have been avoided, I was asked by a Coven Master if they could add my coven to a Coven Friends page. I sent them the same response that I send everyone. I regretfully decline due to the kids in my coven, being a tad too trusting and wanting to protect them. I was worried that I had hurt their feelings. This is the response I got.
“Please Jayme I think what your dong is great actually taking the vr kids here grouping them together with other kids here making sure they don’t fall into the trap of the pedophiles here...
If I was a parent Jayme I would be thanking you for your diligence and well for heaven sakes parenting of these kids as well. We are nothing without our future and kids are our future. Besides Jayme I wish someone like you had been around when my father was abusing me, you would have listened and believed me saving years of self hate and doubt.
I had to learn a code of ethics to protect myself and children I wouldn’t ever do to a child what had been done to me you never know who to trust anymore and it makes it very hard to make friends because if you cant trust other people you cant be a friend.
Brava Jayme takes a lot of guts to make a stand and your making one that needs to be done around here”
Thank you dearest. I needed those words at just that time.
For Christmas, Lord Vlkodlak dedicated this song to me, as another one of our songs. It was our first Christmas together, after years of horrendous Christmas’ back to back. I got this as a stocking stuffer and when I finally played it, it brought tears to my eyes, the first of many for that day. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Interesting Dinner conversation to say the least...
Vlkodlak turned to me during dinner one night and said.
“Oh by the way, Heather said she will settle everything, she just needs to
know what size you are?”
“Huh?” I looked at him.
“The other night at the bar, when you girls were comparing breasts. Heather still thinks you are bigger than her, she wants to know your size.”
“Well most guys don’t understand that the number means nothing it’s the cup size.” Putting my hands under my breasts, around my rib cage. “This is the number, the inches around your ribcage UNDER the breasts but mostly it depends on the type of bra you have on.”
“What did you mean about it depends on the type of bra you have on?”
I laugh and using my hands I bring my breast into different positions as I speak. “Well you have some that will give you the concept of Madonna and her famous cone bra. Or you will have the cross my heart bra, or what I affectionately term the “divide and conquer bra.” Who in this world would think its natural to have your breasts pointing in two different directions. Then you have what Heather was wearing, which wasn’t only underwire but had the supportive sides to make them jut out on her chest, like two torpedoes.”
By this time, he was giggling like mad and I just continued.
“I want to find the right bra for me. As a size Double D, I don’t want to have them like Heather’s, I would like cleavage, but I don’t want for it to look gaudy or grotesque. Mine are supportive. Most the underwire aren’t very comfortable for me…and I am not going to do the divide and conquer thing. Most say well you need to try this or that. Sorry but I refuse to spend a tiny fortune on a bra, that nobody is going to see but me and my significant other. So, someday I will get measured professionally for a bra and see what they say, until then I wear what I wear.”
I grinned as he was so red in the face and it was the oddest conversation that I have ever had with him. Oh well….I bet the gals that read this can relate.
Most of you know that TD, likes his platypus. I was watching Robin Williams: A night at the Met, when this came on and I decided I needed to give it to Drew. Vlkodlak made this so I could give it to him....ENJOY!!!
I have known Chrisg for over a year now, when he was brought into La Rose Noir where I was the coven greeter. We got close and spoke often on the phone. When he was sent to jail, I sent him letters and we spoke of our feelings, our fears and things that give us joy. He considered me his best friend.
Apparently he has forgotten all of our conversations until three in the morning. Apparently he has forgotten all the times I have been there for him and supported him.
Apparently, he just forgot.
“Someone who thinks they know everything…Someone who thinks they can sum someone up in a few seconds….”
I don’t believe I know everything. Yet I know you. I know the situation. I know that you have changed. Not sure if its you or the drugs you are doing. Considering how vindictive and paranoid you are being, I believe the latter.
Sum you up in a few seconds. I have had 1 year, 365.24 days, 8765.76 hours, 525,945.6 Minutes and 31,556,736 seconds to sum you up.
I do believe that constitutes more than a few seconds.
I will not blab what set Chris off on me. If you wish to know, simply pm me and ask. I tried to be there for him, but he didn’t see that. Hard to be there for someone that doesn’t talk to you.
Oh well. Good luck dear….you will need it.
Response from one of my members that read V's journal. Bare with her, she had worked for 20 hours straight lol.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
Its insanity to me that i even PAY for this BULLSHIT. I thought being in a group of adults would be different, compared to where I came from. I see I'm wrong again. I fucking hate people, simple close-minded cocksucking dumbfucks who think they know everything. Shit like that irks the fuck out of me. Grow up. ITS THE GODDAMMED INTERNET. I hope Bill Gates gets a terminal case of the clap. And feel free to quote me. Ugh.
Sorry to rant like that. Severe lack of sleep and food make me horribly bitter, bitchy and just plain MEAN. You know I love you, and I know you better than that
“What you think of Jesus, Jayme?” asked the Sunday school teacher. My friend had brought me as a guest. “I don’t know, I have never met him”. Giggles. She smiled and said, “You don't have to meet someone to believe them”. Then I dropped the bomb. “How can you believe in something, you can't feel or touch?” She gasped and the room went silent. “You don't believe?” she asked in an astonished voice. I repeated my question, with sinking feeling I done something wrong. She frowned and immediately grabbed my arm and half dragged, half pulled me over to the minister. She proceeded to tell him the conversation we had and he looked at me furiously. He grabbed my arm and marched me to the first pew, directly in front of the crucifix. Telling me to sit quietly until my ride came. Crying, I asked what I had done wrong. He simply stated, “If you don't believe, you don't belong with the other children.” He left me in the empty church, crying, being stared at by Jesus on the cross. His eyes condemning me.
My mother was Protestant, my father Methodist. They gave my brother and I the freedom to choose whether or not we wanted to attend church. They felt when we were old enough, we could make our own decisions about faith. My brother eventually returned to the church, I'm still undecided.
We were brought up on the beliefs of the Bible, not necessarily the stories. The joke in my house that we only know the Bible by what Bill Cosby tells us. I couldn't name the Ten Commandments but I don't believe I've ever broken one. Respect everyone until they show they didn't deserve my respect. I think of people’s feelings before I speak, I treat people the way I wish to be treated. I don't lie, cheat, steal or do drugs. I always a true friend no matter the consequences. I always try to help someone in need. I try to be a good person. I was brought up believing if you accomplish asserting these beliefs into your life, you be happy. You'd be rewarded. I found out the hard way that there's more to it than that.
Then growing up, I was an extremely sensitive, extremely emotional child. Sensitive to the point of being able to read peoples so well, I could almost tell what they were thinking, what they were feeling. Unfortunately, I would take everything that was said or done personally. Because of this, teasing was extremely hard for me. I took everything to heart. This of course caused a lot of heartache.
I grew up knowing my mother suffered from Multiple Sclerosis and my father was a volunteer fire fighter. I learned early about people and responsibilities. Unfortunately, I matured a lot faster than my peers did. I learned first-aid and CPR at 13 and enjoy the ability to help people.
I first job was babysitting for a family of eight children. I was only six months older than the oldest but as I said before I matured early. Somehow I managed to keep these kids ranging from the 8 months to 13 years from wrecking havoc. One night, while driving me home, the mother asked me if I had been saved. “From what?” I asked. “You are such a good role model to my kids. You respect your elders and are a mature responsible person. I can't believe you haven't found the lord.” I asked her, “If I’m such good person why do I need to be saved?” Again, I felt like no matter how good I was, it was still unacceptable. I wouldn't be “accepted” without the Lord.
As I began high school, I realized I was still unacceptable. My peers seemed immature to me, the teasing I endured was on going, I became part of a group of people who were misfit in one way or another. Most my days are spent, helping people with their problems. From boyfriend /girlfriend problems, abusive alcoholic parents, supporting a friend from her mother's breast cancer, to teenage pregnancy. I help everyone understand different points of view and gave them several options to help them make their own decisions. All the time feeling good about helping people but also feeling like everyone's mother.
During this time, things of my life were tense. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. Thinking suicidal thoughts, unable to answer the question of “Who would miss me?” My father's behavior was becoming more and more erratic and unpredictable. Pushing, shoving and hitting me, was becoming common. Most of this was unpredictable. You never know what would set off. Now I knew what the phrase, walking around on eggshells that meant. I was becoming more and more confused of what was good and what was bad. If I was abused for my whole life, I probably wouldn't question it but I hadn't been. So, I assumed that I was being punished. That I had done something wrong. For what, I don't know. I sank deeper into depression, cursing God for my horrible existence. Hadn’t I been true to his rules? Then why was I unhappy?
My only true friend at the time that I felt I could trust at the time, was named Casey. Casey was a lovable hundred twenty pound AKC yellow lab. He had long legs, large expressive brown eyes and a big barrel chest, that I could cry on. When my depression cause me to have insomnia, I would go out into the living room and sit with Casey. If I cried, and he would sit as close as he could, stick his chest out and turned his head. He was the first shoulder I ever cried on. When I was on crying, Casey would lick my tears away and then lay down in front of me. More than once I have woken up, on the floor, with my arm draped over him
Some people believe I’m giving Casey human traits. He was a very sensitive, empathetic, and caring dog. The first friend that I trusted my heart with and didn't make judgments. He understood when no one else did.
My father and I were finally diagnosed with chemical imbalance that caused us to be depressed. With medication, things improved. Received associate degree and was hired as a counselor at a Catholic summer camp. I was homesick was eventually asked believe for several reasons. The main one being, that was hard to explain to the kids, why I didn't get communion. Again, unacceptable.
Eventually, I felt something positive happened in my life. I met John. John was a volunteer fire fighter with my father and a mechanic. He came from extremely religious family. In the two years of dating, Christmas was the worst. What if they found out I didn't believe? Every time I stepped into the church, I waited for someone to yell out, “she is the non-believer.” I'd sit with tears falling silently down my face, ready to hide when everybody went for communion because I'd be the only one left in the pew, then they would know..
But after our marriage, our lives began crumbling. John lost his job and nearly his life, when the lift gave away from under the ambulance he was working on. Thankfully, he was un-injured but now unemployed. We ended up living in my parent’s basement for the first two years of her marriage. John gave up trying to get ahead in life because we always seem to be slammed with another problem, just as we're getting ahead. What finely made me give up hope of was the untimely death of Casey, due to a vets indiscretion.
Why me? Was I cursed for life? Why didn't I deserve to have something other people had? John was eventually was hired at another job that paid better, with a better benefit. Yet I was still employed.
One day, I was shopping at a craft store, came across the calendar that had no weekday but every date had a prayer to the Lord. I read a couple and left the store. But I kept being drawn back to these mini prayers. Finally, I bought it. Every morning the first thing I do is read this little prayer. It's a simple seven-dollar calendar, everything is changed.
I was hired and in answering service, where I've excelled even as my own expectations. My eventual goal is to be a 911 dispatcher, I believe I can do it. My husband and I bought our first home, we've caught up on bills and only had minor problems on our minds.
Did all this happen because I began reading those prayers out loud? Or did our luck just change? I find myself believing in angels and becoming more spiritual. I believe God sent me Casey, when I thought no one cared and then John was there when Casey was taken away.
For several years, I continued to read those prayers but things kept going wrong in my life. My husband began drinking after the loss of his grandfather to Cancer. With the drinking came harsh words, uncontrollable anger and the abuse began. I was so desperate to be loved and not to loose my marriage that I did anything that he said. I gave up volunteering in the community as a Firefighter and EMT because he made me feel guilty for not being there for him when he got home. I became anal about having all my chores done, to avoid the criticism and ridicule. After years of John treating me badly, I began chatting online. It was so liberating to be able to tell someone, knowing that it wouldn’t get back to him and getting counseling from perfect strangers. Two strangers stand out in my mind as guiding angels. First was Huntsman. He was a firefighter somewhere in Arkansas and we became fast friends. Second was Smokeater630. A volunteer firefighter in West Virginia. Both these men, were having troubles in their own marriages but were attempting to save them, same as me. After chatting for over a year, I believed these men were my best friends. They urged me to get counseling and to get out of the situation. They promised me, that real men don’t hurt their women like that. Real men, cherish and protect their women. It took several years of them telling me that for me to begin to believe that I didn’t deserve the abuse for a minor thing like not having dinner ready for when he came home.
When I began thinking about having an affair, I realized that I could no longer be married. I wanted out of the relationship and I wanted closeness. I was lonely. One night I came to bed, thinking that I had to save this marriage somehow. I initiated the lovemaking but it turned violent. He held my arms down, kissing and biting me as ..well raped me. I yelled no, told him to stop. But he was relentless and made sure I came in spite of myself. I was so embarrassed, so ashamed and felt that I had deserved to be treated that way…..after all, that’s what he told me. I left him a week later. The reason I waited a week, was I didn’t want my parents to see the bruises. Silly reason, I know.
John didn’t handle it well. He began stalking me. Waiting for my parents to leave the house to try to get to me. One night he sat outside of the house, on the back porch. He had pulled a chair over to the doorbell and just sat there pushing it, for about 2 hours straight. I was home alone but online with my friends. They told me to call the police but I didn’t want to go offline to do it. Apparently John took his anger out on our 6 month old Yellow lab puppy. Lady Harlequinn, or Harley, didn’t understand why I left and since she was technically his dog, I left her. I kick myself every day for that decision. Every day, I would go by the house and see her looking out the window for me. When several neighbors told me of his hitting of Harley, I stepped in. I told him give me the dog or I will take you for everything. So, I got Harley back but the damage was done. She had never fully trusted anyone again and is a meek quivering dog that breaks my heart, every time she thinks I’m going to hit her. Basically, I started having panic attacks and lost about 40lbs in 4 weeks. My doctor told me to get out of dodge. So, I did the most dangerous thing in the world, I went on vacation and visited all the people I met online, including Smokeater630.
I can’t say it was love at first sight, but I had fallen in love with the image he projected online. He was solid, was definite in his feelings of right and wrong, dependable and loyal. Pat (smokeater) was about 6 feet tall, with red hair and green eyes. He always had a smile on his lips and a laugh in his eyes. The second time I came down to see Pat, was during Christmas. He had kicked his wife out for cheating and numerous other things. Apparently, John had began smoking cigars like his father. I saw him several times attempt to put out the cigar on Harley’s nose while we were together. So, when Pat lit a cigarette, Harley started giving him attitude. She wouldn’t totally bark at him, but she would stand in front of him, half barking at him. When the cigarette went out. She was fine. I finally realized her problem and told Pat. He got down on the floor with Harley and took her paw in his hands. I told her that he wasn’t a mean man and wouldn’t hurt her or her mommy ever. He also promised that nobody would ever be allowed to hurt either one of us again. After that, she never gave him attitude again. And I was in Love.
When I lost my job, Pat came up from West Virginia to get me. We married about 2 years ago, surrounded by our family and friends. It was outside, performed by a minister, one of the patients that I had transported numerous times. His family were jewels and made me feel welcome and I never felt the stress I felt with John’s family. I now know that no marriage will work, if you don’t get along with the in-laws. Everyone I spoke to,
who divorced, had trouble with the in-laws. Mine are jewels.
When I first moved in with Pat, I had a difficult time adjusting. Simply, I had been trained and brainwashed by John, thinking that every little thing had to be done before he got home. The first day that Pat arrived home, I was in tears, crouched in a corner of the kitchen because dinner wasn’t ready and I didn’t get all the laundry done. That led to a long discussion and an even longer deprogramming that has lasted until even now. I still have trouble at times but Pat didn’t let me sweat it.
One month after Pat’s and my marriage, I woke up to the inability to feel my legs. After 2 years, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and I apparently became untouchable. My husband started ignoring me. I was totally dependant on him until I proved that I couldn’t work anymore. I got a monthly check for being disabled. I had planned to do things, to become a EMT instructor, but for some reason my check kept disappearing, along with the $17,000 I got in back payments. I paid off all the bills and bought a truck for Pat, since he needed reliable transportation. But I got nothing in response but to have my money used and to be used myself.
I went from one husband abusing me, to the next ignoring me. I felt like a leper, unloved, undesirable and ugly. I never left the house unless it was go to the store. I kept his house, did his laundry and cooked his meals, with nothing in return. It became expected of me. When there was an emergency with my father down in Florida, I was asked to come down to help out with my mother, my grandparents and to get my father settled after his heart attack. I was just at the end of my own MS attack. Instead of coming with me, or stuff….he wanted me to stay at home, take care of him. I decided to leave and drive down. I planned my route to go past friends, so if something happen, I would have someone to call. My husband hit the roof, wanted me to drive down a specific way, so I would be close to his friends, taking me about 3 hours out of the way.
The day I left, I waited until Pat came home. Hoping to get a cuddle or some loving, since I wasn’t going to be home for almost a month. But nothing. I got up and asked him to help me take my suitcases to the car, nothing. So, I left, no kiss, no hug. No drive safe, no “I love you”, no “call me when you get there.” Just complaints that he would have to deal with my stupid dogs and with the house by himself.
On the way down I stopped to meet Hellsguardian69. A friend I had made on VR. I stayed a day with him and another friend. It was great to have these men, seemingly cater to my every need. When I left them, I not only was giving crushing hugs, kisses and told I love you. I was told to call them if I needed them and to call when I get there to know I was safe.
These two strangers said everything my husband couldn’t be bothered to say.
The 8 hour drive, I went over my life and everything that I discovered. I thought about my relationship with Pat for a long time. During the following weeks, I felt useful, admired, trusted and respected. My phone calls with Pat would consist of him telling me all about him and his work. Including taking my money to go and get boots for his job with another woman. I got pissed at him and told him what I felt and thought, but that fell on deaf ears.
After I came home, I tried to talk to him. He was so proud at how clean he kept the house, but it was still a pigsty in my world. The counters in the kitchen hadn’t been wiped down and there was still food left out on the counters, rotting. The living room took a garbage bag to clear the garbage in there. It was disgusting. Along with piles and piles of laundry still on the floor, as the only laundry he did was his uniforms for work.
For a couple weeks, it was us tiptoeing around each other. I finally asked, “Are we ok?” A simple question. But it was a 2 hour bitchfest, telling me everything that is wrong with me. That I spend all of his money on VR and Photobucket ($30 bucks every 6 months). That it was my fault that he attempted to become a cop (and failed because I wasn’t a good enough trainer to keep his ass in gear to pass the physical but also that his shoulder had a pinched nerve). That I supposively cared more for people online than him. My response was simply, they pay me more attention than you do. He told me basically after this 2 hour diatribe, that I had a choice to leave or stay, but if I stayed things would change. He would take away the internet and long distance, he would take away my cell phone and I would be the proper wife to him.
Sorry but been there done that. Those are the beginning steps to isolating me, more than I already was. In boondocks WV, more than 8 hours from my own family in any direction. I had been isolated by my first husband….and I wasn’t going to do that again. So, on Jan 2nd, I told him I was leaving him. End of Jan, after I asked for some of the money returned to me that we used to pay his bills, I was kicked out of my home, with my two dogs out into the snow.
For months, I was frustrated that I seemingly failed again in my marriage. Twice now, I ended up walking away, because my husbands didn’t want to do anything but control me. But want me to cater to them, to be their slave, their housemaid and their mother. Sorry but no. That isn’t what a marriage is about.
I am in a relationship now with a man that loves me unconditional. He doesn’t mind me singing and dancing in the kitchen, while I cook or clean. He doesn’t mind, coming home to a hug and a home cooked dinner. He doesn’t mind taking me out to a movie, or to dinner. Out with friends, just to have a good time. He cleans the kitchen when I ask, does his own laundry. But the key is….he respects me. He understands my past and knows what I need. Every day, he gives me a hug and a kiss. Every day I hear I love you, every day, I am touched, both emotionally and physically.
You can’t get much better than that.
Through this all, I had no god. I had no religion. I felt that god had forsaken me. Ignored me. I began looking at other religions. I found paganism, with the help of my new man. A religion that worships the environment, the animals, the forest, the water, the wind, the moon and sun. It doesn’t insist that I go to a church and be judged. It doesn’t insist that I pay this said church 15% of my income for its upkeep. The church is the forest. Can’t get better than that. I am still new to this religion but I like the idea.
Things that I have learned? Churches often don’t act as they preach. They ridicule, put you down and insult you, same as anywhere in the world. They are a bunch of hypocrites. How can you preach the word of the lord one day and then backstab people, degrade them and make them feel small the next. Only to be forgiven every Sunday when they go and get communion. Sorry no.
Its interesting talking to Josh about the differences in religion. I recommend it, as he has very definite views. But this is my search in faith. Its not perfect but it shows you difficulty that more than one person has in it.
We decided to celebrate Yule, by going to dinner and going to see the new National Treasure movie with Nicolas Cage. But before we left, he took me in his arms and looked down at the tree, with all the presents under it. He said, "You know that our tree hasn't had this many presents under it for over 10 years." I started crying, because it was the same as me. Not having Christmas like this for a long time. Dinner was at a barbeque place and I was proud that I didn’t get it all over myself lol. It was surprisingly an excellent fair. The waitresses wore a tee shirt that said, “Stop looking at my Rack.” lol. The movie was cool, funny and I caught V giggling like mad sometimes, so I can only assume that he liked it.
We came home and put the dogs out (after cleaning up some deposits). Then opened one present each for Yule. I gave Josh a collection of 6, Legends of Star Trek Johnny Lightening figurines. He had often complained to me that his ex wife, wouldn’t get him any, because they were childish. So, he slowly pulled each one of them out of the box, he sat there in awe, reading and looking over each and every one. Giggling when he didn’t recognize the battle station or ship. I then opened my gift and was in awe. He got me a karaoke mic to plug into the TV and a disk of some of the country songs I sing, to sing. The kind of amazed me, as he has only heard me sing Karaoke a couple times. He pointed out that I sing all the time, in the car, he heard me sing across country. I sing in the house, while cleaning. It just amazed me. Someone that wasn’t telling me to shut up, someone that wasn’t saying to stop embarrassing him. But I had someone that wanted Music to be part of my life again. That wanted to hear me sing and to sing with me. Amazing.
Then we started getting ready for going to bed. Let me explain about my dogs. Harley is the oldest at about 11 years. She doesn’t always have the best control over her bladder so I put her out in regular intervals. At night, around 3 or 4 am, she will stand at the bottom of the stairs and shake her tags, to wake me up, when she has to go out. I have to give her credit for at least indicating, even though the timing sucks. So I will get up and let her pee real quick and then go back to bed. But after awhile, it starts to wear on you. The lack of restful sleep, causes you to be emotional and sometimes that alone causes trouble. When asked what I want for xmas, it was simple. To sleep through the night….to sleep in. But if she isn’t indicating to go out….she will indicate that its time to wake up and feed her, at 9am.
Well, after taking our dogs out for their last time, at 11:30pm, I told V that I had to go to bed, considering I would be awake in about 2 hours to put them back out. I went up to bed, taking Maddie with me and putting her on her bed. I slept very well and what woke me up at 4 am, wasn’t Harley or Maddie, but Josh’s cell phone. Someone had called at 1am and left a message and he sets his phone to continue to indicate that he has a message until he picks it up. So, I got up to shut it off because V sleeps like the dead. Decided I hadn’t heard Harley and Maddie was already at the door to the bedroom, so I got dressed and went downstairs to put them out. I noticed when I hooked Harley up, that her tags were missing. I started mentally making plans to go out in the yard and look in the morning, when I noticed them sitting on the table. V had taken the tags off so she couldn’t wake me. I know it’s the simple things that strike me, but it goes to show that he is listening to my desires.
Last thing I will say.....This Christmas is starting to give me hope.
For people who believe I am being cold and ignoring them, who cares. Friendship is those who see you aren’t acting normally and ask. Most that see that I am not being talkative, know that means something is going on in my life, whether it is health, family or simple emotions. Most will ask me, “What’s going on?” or “Why are you so quiet?” But not you. After ignoring me for a month, never talking to me, unless I spoke to you first….you go off on me in a journal AGAIN. Sorry but the Mark of an adult, is to go to that person and ask, why haven’t you spoken to me. Not post it in the journal, *Goes into a nasally kid voice* Everyone look!!! She's being mean to me. Sorry entries like that cause drama. People will flock to you saying, oh you poor thing. Not me, not again. For someone that doesn’t like drama, you tend to cause enough of it yourself. But I digress.
Your stamp was sent to me, in the middle of a emotional day, sorry but I have shared what happen that day with those that message me for more than, “help me with doing a HTML” and going off about the next hussy that is trying to take your bf away from you. I share it with those that recognize that I’m not very talkative, that will ask, “what’s up?” Not get pissed because I haven’t messaged them in forever. Normally when I see a friend online, I send a message. But lately, I have been so emotional, I have been doing mundane stuff, working on a things for VR and my coven, keeping my head down. Those friends that care and know me, will hunt me down and get me to talk.
Fuck this. A friend is one that will be there for you to pick you up and to help you understand things. A friend is someone that can put their own shit away long enough to help a friend and be there for them. Whatever. I don’t have the emotion for this, I have nothing for your drama. I don’t have time for someone that is so full of her own life that she can’t take time out to help a friend. But just accuse and expect people to come crawling back. Life doesn’t revolve around you, it doesn’t revolve around me. It just revolves. Get over it.
I have read Khayman's, Stabbs and now RedQueen's journal entries about those teenagers that feel that they know what love is. That it "tis better to have love and lost than to never have loved before."
My take. Life is a learning process and part of that learning process is the pain of dealing with relationships. Whether it be the mother in law from hell or the bully at the playground. You learn to deal with everyone. Learning to love and being hurt by it, is a process we all have to endure.
The previous entry kinda explains things for me. I have two husbands, prior to finding Vlkodlak. One use to abuse me in all mannerism and the other totally ignored me. What did I learn from them? Plenty. The main thing I learned. Survival.
I can give you a list of what I have learned. Or i can tell you, because of their treatment, I am more grateful to finally find someone to treat me right. Either way, my sentiments are exactly as RedQueen so eloquently has stated in the following. *Applauds RedQueen"
yup...chiming in on the side again...
19:34:49 - Dec 11 2007
Times Read: 15
I often read through several journals on here daily, mostly because they belong to people who are intelligent, open, and honest about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, or their version thereof. And I oft times get a kick strolling through some of the other journals at random, just for the odd giggle or quirk or sheer out and out retardation of the person writing...
As for the general consensus that those of the teenage persuasion who spout off with the time worn "tis better to have lost" yadda yadda yadda.....
I agree in principal with both Khayman and STABB. These kids are too young to have, as of yet, had the experiences to make such an assumption, much less quote it as if it were carved in stone. It lands squarely in the same corral with the ones who are so blatantly in your face about their sexuality- "I'm BI" " I'm GAY" "I'm PURPLE" et al.....You ain't been around long enough to know for sure what you are, what hurts the most, etc. And don't even THINK about dive bombing me with the obligatory "You're just too old to remember what that feels like".....
I am old enough to know better, and young enough to do it anyway. I am old enough to remember what it was like to moon over that one guy in high school because he was everything I thought I wanted, only to have him step on me like so much trash. Years later I learned that he not only "became gay", but died from AIDS. After 25 years, I STILL cried for the better part of the day over him. I can remember what it felt like to be so in love with someone in college, only to have him leave me and go overseas for over a year, and to feel like my life had stopped until he came back, only to marry him and then find out what he REALLY thought of me. I can remember what it felt like to find someone on line I thought I could talk to. To open up to, and be completley honest, both with myself and him. And he....played me...he used me for his own personal enjoyment long distance, and led me a merry chase across the US. And THEN I found out that not only had he done this unspeakable thing to ME, but to several other women on the same site. Only I was stupid enough to buy so far into it that I traveled half way across the United States to be with him, to share a life with him, only to be left adrift in a strange place, miles from anyone I knew, and him refusing to talk to me at all...
Those things stay with you, kiddies, they help you to grow and learn and make yourself better. They give you the chance to hurt, and grow from the pain, and hopefully teach you not to make the same mistake twice. Sometimes you still do, but you always learn, whether you like it or not.
It isn't better to have loved and lost- it is better to have learned form the pain, rather than to have never experienced it at all. For how will you EVER know to appreciate the best things and people in life, if you don't have bad things and people to compare them to, thereby giving you a reason to thank GOD everyday that you came through all that a better person, alive, and willing to try again?
Live and learn kids, but don't preach to the choir....people like myself, Khayman, STABB, and many others on here have been there, done that, and yes...
Its been an emotional few days as Josh and I continue to work on the different training that our ex’s instilled in us, making us doubt even the simplest things about each other. I had several bad days with my MS, as I spasmed hard and eventually lost the feeling in my Right foot. MS is a wonderful interesting disease. Although I couldn’t feel the foot when I pressed it, I felt pain in the muscles.
Ever had your foot or hand fall asleep? That is what it feels like when I have an bad day. Like my leg, arm, foot, hand is trying to wake up. That nasty tingling that is on the slight side of pain.
Well, throughout this whole weekend, Josh was there. He would massage my foot, hold my hand, hold me as the spasm hit. Last night, we went and got the xmas tree and then sat down to watch the Muppets Christmas Carol (one of my favorites). Because of how I was feeling, we decided to decorate the tree another night. After watching the movie, we settled the dogs and went upstairs. Josh warmed some oil and gave me a full body rub. I woke this morning, with feeling back in my legs, pain subsided and a renewed belief in the decisions I made this year.
I left a husband that would avoid touching me, in any way, when I was having a bad day from my MS or even if I wasn’t. His version of a back rub is him sitting there watching tv and just rubbing my back in circles, in one place. He avoided touching me when I was hurting because he didn’t want to hurt me more. Yet it made me feel as if I was a leper, undesired and unwanted, which is not the best thing to feel when you have a debilitating disease. My ex would never hold my hand, except when we were in the car driving someplace. He wouldn’t hug me, nuzzle my neck, kiss me, hold me. For the longest time I felt it was my fault. I was overweight and had a debilitating disease. Who would want that. Apparently Josh does.
A man that cuddles in the morning and at night in bed. Holds my hand while we watch TV, bringing it up to kiss, like a long lost knight, greeting a lady. Dirty dancing in the kitchen, hugs from behind as I cook his dinner. Are you getting the idea here? This man continues to touch me, in every way possible. Both physically but also emotionally.
I never knew how it feels to be loved until Josh. You would figure with two husbands behind me, I would have felt love before. But this is, knock you on your ass and be in awe kind of love.
Most of you reading my journals are probably getting sick of hearing about Josh and our love. I simply write about it, because it floors me. I'm waiting for someone to jump up and say, "Fooled you." For someone to tell me that this is a terrible joke. Or for something to happen and for Josh to walk away. Part of me is beginning to believe that isn't going to happen, but there is that little part, that reminds me that I have not been lucky in love. Until now.
I also put this out there to show people what love is suppose to be like. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't degrade, insult or slap. So, if someone looks at these entries and begins to get an inkling of what love, true love, (yes i'm hearing "true love" from Princess Bride, lol)
God I love this girl....Makes me laugh my ass off!!!
01:21 Dec 04 2007 Times Read: 1,027
Very rarely do I get the pleasure of laughing until I pee my pants. But when I read Vampirewitch39’s journal, I could image it, especially with one of his pics showing him lying on that same couch. So, I figured that I would share it with Cancer…..this is the response from Cancer, which I then forwarded it to Vampirewitch and her response.
First the journal entry….
Cancer's Ad for The Dark Network.
17:01:41 - Nov 27 2007
Times Read: 8
Seeing a commercial on TV and it hit me. Cancer needs one for his new websites. I can see it now….*lost look on my face*
Cancer jumps up from the Victorian Carved Sofa, and starts it with “Welcome to the Dark Network, where one membership gets you several websites to browse. Now hold on …hold on. I know you are saying (and he does the hands up move, eyes to heaven) OH LORD what is the crazy Cancer talking about now? Well.. Lets look at the sites I am bringing out. First we all know the true vampire site of Vampire Rave.”
(Does a hands up, nails showing as he hisses in a vampire way.)
“But now we have SciFi Section and the Supernatural City. Both for the science fiction and paranormal community (Does poor impression of Dr. McCoy) Damn it Jim- I'm a goth…Not a doctor!” (Does poor impression of Fox Mulder “ The truth is out there… and its in these websites.”
Then we have Gothic Invasion and Gothic Rave. These you will love. All are welcome but your Emos ass cause trouble and I will use my computer wicked ass knowledge and take your picture, dress you a country club golfer in plaid pants and alligator shirt and post it in the main forum for all to see the “true” you. (Gives the camera a evil eye)
Now for the best… TheVampire Heart. For those dark souls out there that need to find (pauses as if he is finding his words) … another dark soul to ... be dark with. (Goes back to the couch and lays down, showing off the buffed body.) Besides… you know those with a darker side are just freaking better at it. (Sexy wink)
Come over to The Dark Network and see what I mean. I will be waiting. (smiles)
CUT! PRINT! That is a wrap!
*giggles, runs to hide*
Gods my mind goes to the stranges places when I need sleep. LOL
On 17:16:41 Nov 28 2007 CHORDEWA wrote:
My dear friend Vampirewitch was thinking of you the other night.....this is her journal entry. Thought you could use the laugh.
On 18:26:42 Dec 03 2007 Cancer wrote:
That is pretty funny ;)
So I sent the response to Vampirewitch and this was her response.
On 00:40:00 Dec 04 2007 Vampirewitch39 wrote:
O.O
Oh my gods!
*runs to pack her bags*
Well been nice knowing ya, Jamie. Keep in touch, will ya.
LOL- good thing he saw it as funny. :)
Thanks- I needed a boost about my journal and you just gave it to me.
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