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LadyChordewa's Journal


LadyChordewa's Journal

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Counseling....

01:31 Feb 25 2008
Times Read: 741








Xxxxxx wrote in her journal about feeling alone. She was trying to change aspects of herself that she didn’t like. Such as lying, cutting and stealing but she felt that nobody would give her time to change, that everyone expected her to snap her fingers and be changed. Again she felt truly alone in her endeavor to better herself. This Just goes to show you, a little advice, understanding and respect, will go a long way, in turn the way a person feels about themselves.



xxxxxx: I don't know, I just feel like everyone's leaving, not you guys, just, people here. None of my friends are talking to me that much anymore. And sometimes I feel alone that no one wants to wait for me.



LadyChordewa : if they expect you to change overnight, they aren't real and true friends. Change comes from within with time dear.



LadyChordewa : *hugs you close* Dear I have been through major changes in my life...and it has taken me over 10 years to do it. Please know, that if you try to take a huge step, you will fail at your goal. Its alot of little stuff and you need to know why you do something, before you can change it at its core




xxxxxx: But after all this time, at least something should have changed. And it doesn't




LadyChordewa: you need to know why you do something, before you can change it at its core




xxxxxx: I want to change because I hate who I am now and I miss how i used to be.




LadyChordewa: that isn't good enough a reason...

LadyChordewa: you have to discover....why you changed in the first place




xxxxxx: I don't remember why. First it was just for thrill, then it got into a habbit and now it's compulsion. I think it was because of a friend that did all of this stuff, and to keep that friends and to have something in common with her I stole things too. Maybe it just escalated from there.




LadyChordewa: ok...so start breaking it down. When you feel a compulsion....like cutting yourself. Ask yourself why? Because you hurt isn't good enough answer....Because you want to feel pain, isn't good enough. Find another healthier compulsion

LadyChordewa: write....walk around the block, do sit ups...jumping jacks




xxxxxx: I see what you mean. I sorta do that through my writting, but when it's done, or when I'm in the middle of it, I would get that compulsion, and sometimes, i can overome it, but other times it seams like the only answer. And even recently, the compusion got worse. I couldn't overcome it and I said, okay, just one cut, and it turned into 3 then 4 then 5 and so on.




LadyChordewa: so how about cutting something else that "bleeds". Cut an orange...cut a carrot, cut a beet




xxxxxx: I guess thatd work, I havent tried it but i could




LadyChordewa: Find an alternative....you want the pain. try to do situps...or pushups until they hurt. It will exhaust you and you will have the pain you so want but in a more healthy manner




xxxxxx: i understand. I can see how it would work that way.


xxxxxx: But an alternative to stealing? To lieing? Wanting to fight someone based on something they said? I dont' know what to do with all of these.




LadyChordewa: the key is to question yourself with each and every habit, to find out why you are doing it. Hardest thing to do is to be honest with yourself dear. Ask yourself why you want that and want to steal that. Ask yourself why you felt you needed to lie. Ask yourself is that person's words are worth fighting, or is it something that their words represent to you.

LadyChordewa: again, it comes first to the reason why and understanding why you want to do these things




xxxxxx: I don't realy understand how looking for the cause helps the solution.




LadyChordewa: I didn't know why I hated pedophiles or why I allowed myself to be put in an abusive situation again and again. Then I talked to V. He made me realize that I was trained from 14 years old, with my own dealings with pedophiles, that when I was trapped by one, the easiest thing to do, was to do what they wanted and I would get my freedom.

LadyChordewa: it went on for years...

LadyChordewa: so I was trained to be sub servant to someone

LadyChordewa: I was trained to do whatever someone wanted....to please them and to keep myself safe, hence why I allowed myself to be abused. Once i learned that, it was easy to teach myself different ways of handling things




xxxxxx: Oh i get it.without knowing whick road got you to the place you are know, you will not know how to fix a mistake and take the next turn out.




LadyChordewa: exactly




xxxxxx: i.e. you will continue to keep taking wrong turns untill you discover this.




LadyChordewa: yes

LadyChordewa: and there is no shame to taking the wrong roads hon

LadyChordewa: as long as you learn from them

LadyChordewa: if saying to yourself..."I stole because my friend did." and you still steal by yourself. You know that isn't the right answer




xxxxxx: and learn not to go back to those roads and get losrt agaon.




LadyChordewa: that is part of life, getting lost and finding your OWN path

LadyChordewa: that is why you are here

LadyChordewa: to find your OWN path

LadyChordewa: or forge your own




xxxxxx: I see.

xxxxxx: I also can see why it would take a logn time to find a path with out this information.




LadyChordewa: that is why I am here hon, to guide the coven to short cuts if needed, but some need to learn the hard way

LadyChordewa: well i'm gonna go and cook dinner for josh...and watch some movies

LadyChordewa: just know we are all here for you hon




xxxxxx: Thank you so much. I can't fathom what i'd do without you




LadyChordewa: Well think long and hard about things and know that you can talk to any of us, anytime




xxxxxx: Ok




LadyChordewa: *hugs You* remember we love you









I spoke to xxxxxx the next day. This is what she said







xxxxxx: I tried cutting a orange last night.




LadyChordewa: and?




xxxxxx: It helped.




LadyChordewa: How so?




xxxxxx: I ate it afterward




LadyChordewa: lol well at least its healthy for you




xxxxxx: Lol, (in more ways than one) i think it helped me in giving me something to do, I made myself just observe everything about it. The little sticker, the little spots.

xxxxxx: things of that sort.




LadyChordewa: that's good...








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