The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Life Thoughts...
18:16 Jun 17 2009
Times Read: 761

Marriage changes passion....



Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it



So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

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How come we choose from just two people to run for President and over 50 for Miss Universe?

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

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I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

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Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

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Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

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Wouldn't you know it....



Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells

live forever.

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Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

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Bumper sticker of the year:



'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

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And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Summary of Life
06:10 Jun 08 2009
Times Read: 763






GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.



GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.



5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.



SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.

At age 35 success is . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Chinese Zodiac... uh-oh!!!!
05:35 Jun 08 2009
Times Read: 764

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence , but....



2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.



Has anyone else noticed this? ...



It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

BITCHOLOGY
04:24 Jun 08 2009
Times Read: 766

BITCHOLOGY



When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,

they call me a bitch.



When I stand up for those I love,

they call me a bitch.



When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts

or do things my own way,

they call me a bitch.



Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's

in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way.

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.



When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it,

I am defined as a bitch.



The same thing happens when I take time for

myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.



It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.



I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!



So try to stomp on me, just try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.



You won't succeed.



And if that makes me a bitch ,so be it.



I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.