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If you've read the other entry about my love life, this would be the bitter end to it...





A couple weeks ago...I let myself give into the loneliness without my lover... Since he was paying so much attention to his friend.... I felt so unwanted, avioded and pushed away..*sigh* I'd cheated... And so hell knocked the door down and wrecked a savage death to the love we had.. I went through hell, sold my soul to the devil and hoped for the best... No..It only got worse. What a horrible mistake.. I regret that, because 3rd chance came around, and oh god it got worse...and worse..After he sounded soo determind to not let the rift we'd stirred up push us away and destory the realtionship we had.. He held me tightly and promised nothing would happen.. Nope, my deal tempted fate to fuck everything up, and it did. I stand here burning in the flames I once danced and thrived in.. The spark we had slipped into only friendship.. He wants to let me go, when I hold onto him for dear life.. Maybe I should let go, but holding on saved from the pool of black that threatens to comsume me and drown me.. I don't want to fall and watch him disappear completly..

I visit this memory often...

It was a Sunday night, I'd slept for 12 hours so I had no plans of sleeping that night even when I had school the following morning. I was on IMVU (A chat client in 3D) one of my friends, Jordan, had snapped at this one guy I didn't really see often, Grant. We'd recently be-friended eachother that night. We'd added eachother on MSN. Grant had gotten sadder and so I lent out my hand and helped him, he seemed.. unsure if to accept it or not.

As we talked in a friend ours (his gf at the time) public room, we just clicked. He didn't seem to believe that I was allowing him so close. His pain seemed to just disappear, and nothing could hurt him when he was around me. As it did the same for me.

The 5-7 hours we talked that night, were the best hours i've ever spent talking to someone. When my night was drawing to an end, and his was merly beginning (NZ is 19hours ahead of Cali) he asked for a kiss, my inner voice was screaming at me to do it! I let him, I told him he could. It was the one kiss, it was perfect..So sweet, and loving. The night had gone..perfectly. It was the finding of the "One". Oh how I hated leaving him... I'd fallen so fast, so easily, so sweetly inlove with him.. That one night.. Showed me I could be treated right, could be truly loved, that I could let someone so close without them hurting me like all the others have..

I guess I lived and learned yes? Advice, do not cheat on someone you love...especially after they forgive you. Someone I know says, 'Once a cheater always a cheater' well, my goal is to prove him wrong. Im going to let my love live his life the way he wants to..Even if it hurts and tears me apart. He deserves to be happy, not dragged down by me trying to fix myself. If he finds another, I can at least be happy for him...I hope he can do the same for me. Although, I do not want to love again... This is all too fresh for me. I hope...The slim chance I have.. Will play on my side. If it does, I will change. If it doesn't I will change anyway. I blame myself still for this, but I learned from it. Someday, I hope he will come back to me, when he finds the girl he fell inlove with again, buried under all this corruption and hate and the parts that have been used. Its who I really am but i've shattered the trust and i can't fix it...Not now anyway. I love him, so much, that I will let him live his life instead of holding him back.

My soulmate left me...For both our goods... I can only hope he'll come home again..Someday.. I love him more than anything and everything.. This gaping wound will never heal with time..The edges continue to burn with pain that'll never ease up. He has all I was, all I am, All I will ever be. Pray for me to regain my happiness I so desperatly need... For I am alone in this...