The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather, to skid in sideways, Chardonnay in one hand & strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair,  he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel."  



Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti.  

I want the press to know this."  



Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded.  



On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper  

reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning:  

'French Fries.'"  



Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted.  



Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double."  



Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected:  

"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."  



Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."  



Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted.  



As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is  safe?"  

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such

great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike

is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It

protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her

parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the

stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her

every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total

silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, thats enough, I'll do the fucking dishes!"