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Sometimes, you just need to put on a nice collar, clear the junk out of your room, pour yourself a drink, and watch some gaming & cooking videos.

I haven't felt enough like myself in quite a long time.

When I first started settling into my gender identity, I started exploring male fashion. I mean, all of it. It was a fantastic journey, but even as I started gaining a sense of style, I also lost a lot of it. I went from having a decent goth wardrobe to kind of being more... all over the place. I still have plenty of black clothes to work with when I really crave surrounding my flesh in darkness, but it feels harder for me to really dress up nice. I had gotten rid of a lot of my nice stuff because it was just too feminine, and dysphoria is a bitch. The thing is, I don't hate feminine fashion; I'm not really a hyper macho guy. But it is important to me that I get as close to passing territory as possible, especially now when I still haven't been able to start testosterone. I want to wear pretty things once in a while, but I want to do it after I look masculine enough that I won't be mistaken for a woman.

And makeup? Forget about it. Even if I learn to contour so my face looks more masculine, that shit is expensive, and I live in Arizona, AKA the devil's armpit. Sweat city, baby.

It's been hitting me that I don't know how to pull off masculine goth fashion when my body isn't doing me any favors. My current situation isn't giving me much room for experimentation, either. I just don't have money or the space to build up more of a wardrobe at this time. The best I can do is casual goth, which, while being a perfectly valid subset of goth fashion, still gets boring fast. I want to look and feel fucking hot once in a while, ya know?

On top of all that, I've also been struggling with my own kinks and overall desires, both old and new. On account of the hex that plagued my love life for a decade, I haven't really had much of any partners in my life at all, and being transgender doesn't make finding someone any easier for me, even now with the hex broken. So my newfound desire to find someone for a bit of occasional romantic vampire roleplay, that I presently have no way of exploring, coupled with my frustrations at feeling so unattractive, has been driving me a bit batty.

Last night was a bit rough in terms of mental health. First I tried taking a bath to relax and enjoy a sense of sensuality, but unfortunately, the house where I am currently staying has an atrocious water heater, and hot baths just aren't possible- the water starts cooling long before the tub is full. The best you can get is half a moderately warm bath. It wasn't at its best last night, to say the least.
So that was depressing. And don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a home and to be able to bathe, but it was the wrong choice for calming me down at that moment.

This is going to sound so silly, but the thing that ultimately gave me an outlet for my self-expression was the Sims 4. I started up a new file and I built myself a fucking mansion. The entire top floor was a library/ballroom combo. Downstairs was the kitchen and living room, the master bedroom, bathroom, and guest bedroom. A fancy bed and coffin was made ready in every bedroom. I decorated that place until it was fit for a vampire king. I made a vampire sim and his human pet to live there, and Gods, I'm going to have fun turning the townies into my vampire legion.

The sims may be goofy as fuck, but it's also so charming. And it truly is a wonderful creative outlet. I haven't been able to paint lately, and I've barely been able to write, but I feel renewed after that.

Maybe it's a good night to pick up the paintbrushes again.

COMMENTS

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Cora
12:30 Nov 06 2021

You are already creating. Our brains stash away what ever we create at see it as reality .On some level the brain doesn't see a difference. That is why it is so satisfying for us.

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POST COMMENT

I was hexed before.

I was hexed for ten years before I was able to identify what was happening, and who was hexing me. The caster was someone who was simply mad about being turned down. For that "crime," my love life was blighted. I was single for a decade. I've only been free of the hex for about half a year.

Things haven't improved for me yet. My love magick has been failing to take. The trouble is, I can't find the same confidence in myself as when I work other types of magick. How can I simply believe that it will work, when for ten years nothing did? It's all dead in the water, and I don't know how to breathe real, lasting life into it.

That person is already regretting harming me, I know it in my heart. They cannot escape the baneful energy they built and cultivated for a decade. Karma will not be merciful to them.

But I do not want them to get their wish of me dying alone & unwanted. More importantly, I do not want to die alone & unwanted. I have wanted a mate for almost my entire life.

One way or another, I will reanimate the power of love magick within me. And I shall love & be loved.

So mote it be.

I recently bought & played Red Embrace on Steam. I enjoyed it a fair bit, but it was just too short & rushed. Can anyone recommend some other similar games that are longer & more fleshed out? Preferably LGBTQ+, although any are fine.